Things That Made Me Happy...

...in my comics this week.


And the award for Best Ironic Trapping of Villain goes to... Batman.

Vibe's all that and a bag of chips.  Heh.

Why Basil doesn't feel guilty.

"Breathing's overrated."  Practicing with super-fast-hardening plaster and submerged sarcophagi in the 1960s really paid off, didn't it?

Well, of course, he needs therapy, SK; HE'S INSANE.  No one listens to me.

Alfred and Bruce watch home movies.

Ph-ph-phil?  Phil Cobb? LMAO, oh, yeah, now I am totally sold on this ride!

"He's one of the closest friends I have."

The Catcave.  Tee hee.

Apparently someone still remembers the Great Joker-Clayface Feud.

Cisco single-handedly takes down three Ivoids. And then some. 

"Never understimate what bad caviar can do."  I think I have a new favorite character.

Hawkman versus Green Arrow.  That didn't take long.

Alfred Pennyworth, drama critic.

"Doll."  BWAHAHAHA; jackass.

Well, of course Superman knows the Gallic word for "expel". 

SEIZE HIM!

Today's haiku comes from Batman #52, where the "Thinker" -- a sort of Ur-Egghead -- using his 'thinking machines' to deduce that Alfred Pennyworth is Batman. Which gives you an idea of why we never saw this 'Thinker" again.  

It's titled, "SEIZE HIM!":

"So YOU are Batman!

You stupid fool! Did you think

you could outwit me?"

What haiku can you compose to comment on this misguided villain, the hapless butler, or the tendency of characters in any single Golden Age panel to each be wearing a different color of clothing?

oboyoboyoboyoboy!

Bat-Mite has arrived.

Hey, Wizkids.  Thanks for Bat-Mite. But if you went to the trouble of making him, how is it possible you screwed up the fact that one of his bat-ears, in every single incarnation of him, is alway always always drooped over?  I honestly do not understand how such things happen.

I suppose it was only a matter of time before Wizkids would create a Bat-Mite Heroclix figure.

The occasion has made me realize that in my entire time on this blog I've never once written about Bat-Mite.  And, love him or hate him, there's no denying he's powerfully symbolic of a certain era (1959-1964) in Batman's history and emblematic of a certain approach to the character.  It was the Era of Bat-Mite, during which he appeared in 12 stories.

Usually, I’m pretty firm about what I consider the divisions between the Great Ages of Comic Books (Golden 1939-1955, Silver 1956-70, Bronze 1970-86, Iron Age 1987-2004, Platinum Age 2005-2012) and come down against subdividing superhero history into smaller segments.  

To be fair, there is a degree of conceptual overlap making it hard sometimes to see where one ends and another begins.

It amazes me that many current readers get a distorted view when they look at comics in their rear-view mirror.  I’ve seen websites that baldy and incorrectly state that Killer Moth is a Silver Age character, probably simply because he’s “goofy” (KM is, in fact, a Golden Age character);  I’ve seen descriptions of the “New Look” era as Bronze Age (it wasn’t; it was Silver Age).  Perhaps objects in mirror are farther away than they appear? 

But if there is an age of Batman’s history that can be subdivided cleanly, it is his Silver Age.  Unlike some characters (such as Flash and Green Lantern), the border between Batman’s Golden and Silver Ages is kind of “soft”.  Along with a handful of other headlines (Superman and Wonder Woman), their retinue, and their back-up stars (Aquaman and Green Arrow), Batman didn’t break continuity between the Golden and Silver Age.  However, I place the beginning of Batman’s Silver Age at Batman #92 (June 1955) with the introduction of Ace, the Bat-Hound.   I don’t feel that requires a great deal of explanation or defense; if there’s a sign that you’re in different world than the one where the Joker poisons Henry Claridge at midnight, a crimefighting dog in a mask is a pretty good one.

A disfigured corpse in full view.  This is the Golden Age in a nutshell.

A dog in a mask.  This is the Silver Age in a nutshell.

Ace the Bat-Hound was the vanguard for the expansion of the Batfamily to include Batwoman and Bat-Girl (as opposed to Batgirl) and eventually… Bat-Mite.  As odd as a dog in a mask fighting crime is, it's still about as realistic as a man in mask fighting crime is. But when you have an extradimensional imp popping into your stories and using god-like powers with the stated purpose of spicing up the action, you are clearly somewhere very different than Bob Kane’s Gotham City.  

The third panel (ZOOSH)?  That should really be in a museum somewhere.

Although Mr. Mxyzptlk preceded Bat-Mite by many years, it was Bat-Mite who was the first character to really lean toward the metatextual.  He was a fanboy who used his omnipotence to 'rewrite' the Batman universe to indulge his whims for 'what if' scenarios and angling for Batman to hook up with Batwoman.  Bat-Mite inherent metatextuality was perfect captured by the Batman:Brave and the Bold animated series.

Bat-Mite’s impish antics continued on and off until 1964, when he (and the rest of the extraneous bat-campfollowers) were displaced by the “New Look Era” (so called because Batman now had a yellow oval, for no apparent reason, around his chest insignia). 

Thanks to Bat-Mite, there are three fairly clear periods with Batman's Silver Age:

1. The Bat-Hound Era (1955-1959),
2. The Bat-Mite Era (1959-1964), and
3. The New Look Era (1964-1969).

The Bat-Mite Era is the nadir of urban realism with the Batman mythology and how you feel about him is bellwether of what fan-camp you inhabit.  

How do YOU feel about Bat-Mite?

Adventures of Superman #1

The Adventures of Superman #1 is both good and significant.

I didn't think we'd ever be seeing Superman in his old "circus strongman" costume, red underwear and all.  I mean, even the child-oriented Superman family adventures uses the New52 costume.

But here it is in AOS, in all its pajama-y glory, sending a clear "this is Superman in the abstract" message.

The story, however, is quite concrete.  The threat Superman is facing -- a junkie whose suddenly acquired enormous telepathic power -- is very threatening (to Metropolis and Superman) and pathetic.  Frankly, I can't recall the last time I was so moved by a Superman fight scene, both by concern for Superman et al. and by sympathy for his opponent.  Superman is a much better character when he's facing Problems (such as a threat who seems more confused than evil) rather than Villains he can simply beat down.

OMG, it's the soundtrack of my last date!

This was no cinematic scenery-breaking showdown without consequences. People were hurt; lives were at stake.  I felt the threat palpably, not just intellectually.  At times it felt like a punch in the face.

This image is an instant, permanent classic.  You'll be seeing this for the rest of your life now.

The real villain of the piece actually doesn't appear until the end, and that scene (particularly the final words) is about as classic a Superman set piece as you will ever see.  The whole thing was not only done well, but done-in-one.  And that in the equivalent of only ten standard pages, with a clear set up for following stories.

Aside from ALL of this, I realized only upon a second reading that I was, for the first time, reading a comic book that was designed to be read on an iPad, rather than just reformatted for it.

If someone asked me to recommend an introductory superhero comic book to 'a civilian', I now have no question what I would recommend: AOS #1.

A comic book that's out of New52 continuity.
That's done-in-one.
That's action packed, but full of sympathetic and interesting characterization.
That's digital first.
That only cost 99 cents.

"I need only reach the sun."

That seems pretty significant to me.  And I want a lot more of it.

Things That Made Me Happy....

...in my comics this week.

• Topo.  Unlike the Atlanteans, I'm always delighted to see Topo.  Although I suppose we won't be seeing him play any instruments any more.
• "You enormous oaf."  GODS, I just LOVE that man.  He's really the only person who could/would say such a thing.
• Third-world terrorists? The real world.  Third-world terrorists in high-tech ant costumes?  Comic books.
• Is Swatt the new version of one of my favorite supervillains from the Pfeiffer-Gleason Era?
• I think Dr Veritas is only studying the hideous body-horror results of alien-mutant-viral proliferation so that she can do something about her hair color.
• So, do you think they took something out of that Atlantean or put something into him? Because those stitches are there for a reason.
• Always good to see Lion-Mane, although I prefer him with fewer limbs.
• Hm. I didn't recognize "the Boss".  But I suppose it no longer matters, eh?
• Like Batman, I found that funny.
• Scavenger may not be a very flashy villian, but he's obviously pretty slick.
• Reading "super-immune-system" gave me a Silver Age rush.
• So did the "vapor bats". 
• Why "Dr. Fate" has a silly name.
• Speaking of silly names, I don't know that they've ever actually called it "the Tumbler" in comics books before, but I was amused they did.
• Never has the Penguin used an umbrella more poignantly.
• Looks like Grant Morrison's version of Lex Luthor lasted about as long as a sneeze, and had much less impact.
• Well, that's a place I didn't expect Mera's husband to show up, and apparently neither did she.
• Batman hates sarcasm.
• ATTACK OF THE SPHINX!  Where's Prof. McElroy when you need him?
• Speaking of which, I couldn't read that final narration box in Batwing without hearing William Dozier's voice. If that's how it's going to be, count me in.

Another Vaguely Ribald Superman Panel

Artist Wanted

I have a project for which I need a comic book style artist that relates to the 1960s Batman television show.

I need someone who can DRAW the various henchman (in their characteristic outfits) who helped out the villains on the show.

If you're interested in helping let me know.

The Bat-Road Not Taken

How different the world might have been...

This is the screen test for Billy Anderson and Berton Gervis (you may know them by other names) for the Batman tv show.

If you go to 4:45 at this clip, you can see how the scene was actually played in the show:

Quite similar, except for Burt's embarrassingly absurd imitation of a train whistle.

But the producers of the show had another choice; they could have chosen the other pair who were tested for the role.  And, oh, what a different world we might be living in if they had.

Here, if you've never seen it, is the Batman screen test for Lyle Waggoner and Some Kid Who Was a Better Stunt Man than Actor.  

In fact, if you compare the two screen tests, you'll notice several things.

(1) Lyle Waggoner, despite his ridiculously full hairdo and puffy period face, was much hotter than I remember.  He actually looks like he could THWACK! you into the next panel with one punch.

Holy beefcake, Batman!

(2).  Both sets of actors take the material seriously.

(3).  The West/Ward test feels much more... substantial.  More cinematic.  More 'big-screen' than 'small-screen'. More...real?


Despite what some people might think, you can't just say "Adam and Burt were playing it for laughs." It's not that simple and it's something that most people don't really appreciate.  

Remember, this is the first episode in the series and there's very little sense of 'knowingly camp' about it.  If you set aside your knowledge of where the series went and watch the West/Ward test again, you'll be hard pressed to find any evidence that they are 'playing it for laughs'. If anything, they are playing seriously, deadly seriously, more seriously than Waggoner/Deyell.

Which is why it wound up being so much funnier.  Which is the genius of West.

Now, we all love Television's Lyle Waggoner. Who cannot love the 'Steve Trevor' of the 1970s Wonder Woman show?  Every time I see him, I expect to see a superimposed cartoon sparkle on his teeth, just like in the intro to Wonder Woman.   Great guy, good actor, funny fellow; perfectly capable of playing it both "straight" and "for laughs".  

But watch him in the clip above.  Yes, he's serious. But the whole issue of Batman's identity being exposed by the Riddler seems like... an annoyance.  "And after all that work I did decorating the cave!  How...tedious!  *eyeroll*  Now where am I going to wear this bat outfit?"  Yes, it's a serious problem for him.  For HIM.

Now watch Adam West.  West doesn't take the scene less seriously; he takes it MORE seriously.  It's breathless, momentous drama. Starman-level drama.  He pauses at times as if he's barely able to bring himself to face the terrible consequences of the situation.  The possible unmasking of Batman isn't merely a problem for him; it's a problem for the WORLD (at least the world of Gotham City).   This is the key to making a comic book world acceptable; it must be larger than life or it simply doesn't work.

Here's another example; it's Adam West appearing as both himself and Batman on some old tv variety show hosted by Milton Berle.  [I don't recommend watching the whole thing; it's got painful goofiness by Martha Ray, Adam West crooning a rather touching love song, and that just might be Olan Soule doing the voiceover on the closing commercial]

In the opening few minutes, West is not only capable of playing it perfectly straight against Berle's antics, he's about 50 times funnier than Berle as a result.    The fifteen seconds in which he straight-facedly describes the Batmobile is one of the most amazing things I've ever seen on television; it is quite literally as if Batman has dropped in from a completely different world. 

Berle was a comic giant, for sure, but no one ever accused him of being a sophisticated comic.  He mugged, went for the obvious punchlines, and wore dresses for laughs.  But Adam West?  There's a sophisticated comedian with a deft touch.

The tables were turned not longer after, when Berle guest-villained on Batman as the flower-themed gangster Louie the Lilac.  What could possible be more ridiculous?  And yet...

Note how seriously Berle takes his role.  Despite groovy-talking hippies and giant man-eating plants, Berle is completely committed to portraying Louie the Lilac as a serious and threatening gangster. There's not a hint of winking irony on Berle's part; following suit in the game he was joining, Berle played it just as straight as West did.  In fact, he's kind of scary in his earnestness. 

West's genius is such that it still refreshes and surprises, even fifty years later.  The other day (doing research) I watched an episode where someone compliments Robin on being well read.  Robin says, essentially, that one of the nice things about working with Batman is that he helps him learn about literature and such between bouts of fighting criminals.  To which, Batman says, "But enough discussion of prose and cons; let's go, Robin!"

I'm sure I must have seen him say that about 30, maybe 50 times in my life, without batting an eye.  Finally.... I got the joke.  And laughed my fool head off.  So serious was West's delivery that it had never occurred to me to look for an underlying joke; and it was so much more delightful when I finally found one.

Lyle Waggoner would have been a great Batman.  But I'm glad they chose Adam West, because Adam West made Batman great.

Another Vaguely Ribald Superman Family Panel

Okay, I don't think I see to any more of the depths of Supergirl's cavern

POWER PAC!@

I know I talk too much about Heroclix for those of my readers who don’t play, but, gosh darn it, some huge positive changes have been made to how the game is played that I just can’t keep quiet about!

Some powers that were a bit too powerful have gotten reined in.

Outwit/Perplex/Probability Control  are the “distance” supportive powers that let you affect other figures’ combat without being directly involved yourself.  Outwit cancels another figure’s power, Perplex can alter another figure’s combat values, and Probability Control can make a figure reroll a combat roll.  They are very powerful, particularly since they are ‘free’ (you can do them during your turn and still move or attack).  The range for using the power has always been untethered to the regular “shooting range” of the figure; it has always been 10 squares.  Since the average shooting range is about 6, this made them TOO powerful.  But now the range of these powers is limited by the figure’s shooting range (for a minimum of 6 on figures with shorter ranges).  Now all the many characters will O/P/PC can’t just hide away from danger, having a huge impact on the game without being anywhere near the action. 

Leap/Climb (L/C) & Hypersonic Speed (HSS) are powers held by gymnasticky types (Bat-family characters often have leap/climb) and speedsters (the Flash family have Hypersonic Speed).  The powers do various things, but one thing they did was provide automatic “breakaway”.   ‘Breakaway’ is the rule that a character next to an opponent needs to make a die roll of 4/5/6 in order to move away; if they fail to breakaway, well, then they are stuck there and just wasted a turn.  Breakaway helps keep figures that can attack from a distance (by batarang, gun, or zappy powers) from overwhelming characters that have to punch you in the face in person.  But since there are a lot of characters with either L/C or HSS, breakaway’s relevance had faded and there just wasn’t any hope of pinning down a figure with either of those powers.  But NOW that’s been changed; rather than providing automatic breakaway, those powers just add +2 to the figure’s breakaway roll.  Sure it’s still likely that the character will escape (5 times out of 6), but it is now possible for such figures to fail to breakaway. In other words, occasionally, Blockbuster’s gonna grab Batman’s cape.

Some powers that had grown nearly useless have gotten boosted back into relevance.

Plasticity represents abilities or powers of characters who are hard to get away from and conversely can elude you easily.  Characters like the elastic Elastic Man, Plastic Man, and Mr. Fantastic, particulate characters like Marvel’s Sandman and Hydroman, the ductile Metal Men, Element Man, and Element Woman, and shape-changing characters like the Martian Manhunter, Beast Boy, and Chameleon Boy.  Plasticity’s effect  has been improved (explained above) by removing ‘automatic breakaway’ from figures with L/C and HSS.  Those powers (and flight) also used to let figures zwoosh past an opponent without stopping (ordinarily a figure has to stop when entering a square adjacent to an opposing figure); but no more!  That still works but NOT on opposing figures with Plasticity, who are now like big sticky gumdrops of comic book violence.  This means Plasticity figs become a great way of controlling who can go where on the board, which is big strategic advantage.

Big Winners here: Beast Boy, Rag Doll, Bruce Wayne, Godiva, the Black flock of bats, Swamp Thing, GL Hal Jordan.

Force Blast is for characters who have a way to push you away without touching you.  Like Red Tornado, or Superman’s superbreath, or Blue Beetle’s BB gun.  Before, the opportunities to use it were kind of limited but NOW, a figure can use Force Blast (which pushes an opponent back a few squares) any time they successfully attack them.  This is great because you can use it to smack people into walls, off the edge of buildings, or into the arms of some big bruiser. 

Big Winners here include: Blue Beetle, Red Tornado, Superman, Ocean Master, the NML Batgirl.

Energy Explosion is for bomb throwers and blasty types; it lets you hit one main target but also do some damage to any adjacent figures.  Used to be that you couldn’t use EE with other powers and when you did use it reduced damage to the main target to 1; very wussy.  But NOW the damage to the main target isn’t reduced PLUS you can use it with other powers (like Running Shot).

Big Winners here include: Fire, Starfire, Rocket Red, Black Lightning, Green Arrow, Live Wire, Wildfire, Lightning Lad, the Haunted Tank.

Some powers have been adjusted to have more flexible use.

Incapacitate (a.k.a. ‘incap’). This for characters that can impede or halt other characters without necessarily doing them damage.  In the game this means adding an action token to an opposing figure (figs with one token get a penalty for acting and those with two cannot act at all).  But Incap was USELESS against any figure with two action tokens (because that’s the maximum).  Now, however, if you use Incap on an opponent with two tokens already, it takes a click of penetrating damage (that’s damage that can’t be reduced in any way).  This makes Incap figures hugely more useful.

Big Winners here include: Robin, Nightwing, Scarecrow, Black Canary, Mr. Freeze, Blue Beetle.

Smoke Cloud.  This is the ability to create areas the temporarily impede movement and visibility.  The number of spaces you can affect with it has gone from 4 to 6, and anyone in one of those spaces now gets -1 to his attack.  This makes Smoke Cloud a much more offensive power. 

Big Winners include: the Batfamily, the Question, Sargon the Sorcerer, the Scarecrow.

Close/Ranged Combat Expert.  This used to add +2 to the damage your figure could do to a particularly type of attack.  But now you can distribute that +2 over both your damage and attack values, making these powers MUCH more flexible.

Big Winners include: Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, the Batfamily, Aquaman, the Superman family.

There are some characters that benefit from several of these changes, making them over into nearly figures, game wise.  BIG WINNERS OVERALL INCLUDE: SCARECROW, BLUE BEETLE, BLACK LIGHTNING, GREEN ARROW.

And all this is to say NOTHING of the four new PINK powers (Sidestep, Precision Attack, Invincible, and Empower). It’s a great time to be a Heroclix player; consider it!

Things That Made Me Happy...

...in my comics this week.

Well, it’s about time somebody called Chase on her crap. Not that it helped.

Watching that ridiculously hubristic Towel of Babel, Weber’s World, crumble like a giant popcorn ball.

I really like Kate’s step-mother, even though I don’t even know her name.

Uh-oh; Validus wakes up CRANKY.

OOoo, Bruce saw Clark and Diana kissing in the parking lot after school, I’m tellin’!

At first I thought Cisco’s brother was just going to be an annoying culo.  But now I see he’s going to be a very necessary annoying culo.

The Sons of Adam; heh, nice touch.

Kid Flash gets his mainline cut.  Those 2.27 milliseconds must have seemed very long, indeed.

ZEKE! That’s hilarious.

Wait, shouldn’t the Justice League at least have some sort of administrative assistant?  Where’s Snapper Carr when you need him?  Oh god, I can’t believe I just said that… 

Quietly bad-ass Element Lad working hand-in-glove with sympathetic Brainiac 5.  What the heck is the world coming to…?!

I have to confess, I secretly like portrayals of Wonder Woman and Superman where they are willing to say, “Screw the rules, I’m fixing this now.” Because that is very much how they were when they started, particularly Superman.

So, barely two of the Fatal Five are in action, the U.P. is already falling apart, two more are coming into play and we haven’t even SEEN the fifth one.  I cannot WAIT until the Fatal Five get the ‘team base’ treatment in Heroclix.

I also kind of like the idea that maybe everyone just thinks that Firestorm is a crazy person.

Poseidon made me laugh: “Um, yeah, maybe myths actually moved forward a little during the 7000 years you were buried in the earth.”

Well. THAT should knock Mon-El down a peg or two, shouldn’t it?  Never thought I’d see the day. 

Today I said, “Way to go, Gypsy!” out loud.  What the heck is the world coming to…?!

The Atom versus the Myth of the Geek Girl.  Who won?

Vibe; oh, yeah, crack my planet wide open, papi!

Catwoman in a straightjacket, bwahahahaha!  I’ve been waiting for her comeuppance for some time.

Bette’s backbone!

Dang, Orion. Now even I want to go out with Wonder Woman. Or you.  Or both of you. Or even just watch.

I have always lived in terror of the Emerald Eye of Ekron.  This week didn’t help.

Haikuesday: Animal Cruelty

It don't get no more wholesome than Batman defending helpless animals against being teased by the Joker. UNLESS it's Batman defending helpless animals against being teased by the Joker IN HAIKU.

From now on, Joker,

don't tease the animals, and

that includes Batman.

What haiku can you PETAphiles compose to applaud Batman for his pro-animal stand or condemn the Joker for making little dogs wear silly outfits...?

Superman Explains "Injustice: Gods Among Us"

Zowie!

As I mentioned in February...

Wizkids has announced that they will be making a Heroclix set of the 1960s live action Batman television show.  

  

My fear for the set, however, is that the villain's cannon fodder--the goons and molls--will get short shrift.  Sure, our attention and memories focus on the colorful principals, but we mustn't forget the essential ingredient of criminal tofu provided by the villain's gangmembers.  Without them, there would have been no POW!-laden bat-fights, no betrayals by "traitorous wenches", no kidnapped jurors, millionaires, or beauty contestants.

Besides... who says they were colorless?  Sure, they paled a bit in comparison to the lurid technicolor portrayals by the principal actors, but they have flavor and interest all their own.

Surely you remember....

The mimic Cornell, played by swoon-worthy Paul Mantee (to whom Adam West himself played second fiddle in the classic film Robinson Crusoe on Mars?).

Wow, Paul. Nice...pants.

Creepy Sid Haig as King Tut's Royal Apothecary.

If anyone would make zombie bugs, it would be Sid Haig.

The uniquely disturbed voice of foolish art-mad heiress Baby Jane Towser.

Even the Joker is mortified by Baby Jane's paint-peeling vowel sounds.

The inimitable Harvey Lembeck as Eagle-Eye?

Give 'im da finger!

Naive cheerleader Suzie from Woodrow Roosevelt High?

"Poor... DELUDED creature."

Lawrence Montaigne as the robotic, inaptly named Mr. Glee?

Those do NOT look like people named "Joker" and "Mr. Glee".

Lesley Gore as the lyrical Pussycat?

Nope; too easy to make a Leslie Gore / "Pussycat" joke.   Besides, we love Leslie Gore.

I'm sure none of these folks, or their less interesting colleagues, will be represented in the announced Heroclix set.  I can't do them all justice, but I can help a little by creating generic tokens to represent the molls and goons of the show.

The Moll is identical to the Amadeus Cho token in the Marvel "Mutans & Monsters" set (muB005, to be precise).  A perfectly vulnerable "ordinary person" dial except a special power, which allows you to give her a power action to use Outwit.

This might seem like overkill; a Moll with the powerful Outwit ability (the ability to 'shut off' one of the powers on an opposing figure's dial)?  But in the show, molls weren't just eye-candy; often they used to stymie the Dynamic Duo somehow.  They passed themselves off as innocent citizens, or provided a distraction, or served as hostages, or bopped you over the head with a vase when you weren't looking.  They aren't the major players in the battle, but they are often the pawns used to frustrate an attack.  As such, having to give them a power action to use Outwit (which is usually a free action) is a fairly good representation of that role.

Points for you if you can recognize which moll this is!

For the goons, I looked outside of the box a bit and based them on the Orc token from the Lord of Rings version of Heroclix.   

Ugh.  These guys are nowhere near as cute as Paul Mantee.

But then again... who is?

These guys are a bargain.  For just ten points, they have Flurry (the ability to make two attacks on an adjacent figure in one turn, rather than just one attack) and Combat Reflexes (an extra two points of Defense against attacks from adjacent opponents).  But the real kicker is their special "Swarm" power ("When stacked give Orcs a power action and as a free action you may unstack any number of Orcs tokens and move each up to (S) squares.")

Um...okay; maybe this guy is.  

In fact, if I had to choose between this guy and prime Paul Mantee...

 I wouldn't.

Translating from the rules jargon, that allows you to stack up to 8 of them on one square, move them as if they are one character, and then, when you're ready to use them to attack, they can all fan out and move up to surround an opponent (although, of course, they can only attack one at time).  Which, come to think of it, is almost exactly how the goons in the show used to behave. 

  

Rocky Grimes Week #7: Stone Cold

When last we left Bullwinkle and Rocky, er, I mean, Batman and Robin, Grimes had put them each into a stone-themed traps.

Robin has focus issues.

 

  

There are many ways one can imagine the modern day Batman escaping such a predicament (breaking the chair not least among them).  But this is the Golden Age Batman, where everything is about THEME and IRONY.  If you get put into a theme-trap, you darned well better use a theme-escape or you'll be laughed out of the Club of Heroes. "Hey, Batman," Hourman would shout across the dining room, "how'dja get out of that trap last week?  Oh, wait, don't tell me; sonic screwdriver, emmairight?  Just like the last four times. Haw haw!"  Hourman was always a jerk. Which is why Batman invented Miraclodisulfiram.  But that's another story.

Anyway, Batman cleverly uses a grindSTONE to escape his bonds and then goes to rescue Robin, where, rather than just jump in the water and cut him loose, he lets Robin drown for a while, while he comes up with some ridiculous rock-and-pulley system to haul him out of the water.  That way he's using a STONE to rescue Robin from the STONE trap, because THEME and IRONY.

Then they haul ass to the petrified forest out west where Parks (a nicely fitting name) is about to get beaten to death by a petrified log, courtesy of Rocky Grimes, who is DESPERATE that you should get the joke.

Rocky, take a tip from the Joker; if you have to explain the joke, just don't.

"Ugh, of course, he's running. *eyeroll*  Now I'll never make it home in time to listen to 'Chess Hour' on the radio.  God, I hate crooks."

 
Rocky flees, and Batman engages him on stone bridge over a yawning cavern; one wonders where this is headed. Hint: things aren't looking up for Rocky.

Sigh. Rocky, real villains do not say,
"Okay, pal, I'm gonna beat your face in for you."

I think I give up on you, you're never going to go very far. 
At least, not UP.

Rocky appears on the verge of triumph (don't they always?) until Mother Nature, who in the Golden Age had little patience for those with false pretentions to villainy, decides to indulge in some playful irony of her own:

Hailstones.



Hailstones lead to headstone.  A thematic, ironical death for a thematic, ironical life.  Requiescat sub saxo, Rocky Grimes!

As Rocky Grimes Week draws to a close, let's review what we've learned from it all:

• There's not really any theme or irony to your life; you're just imposing that on it in a vain search for meaning.
• Commission Gordon is fat sissy stalker who knows everything about you.
• Christopher Lowell was right: uplighting is the key to atmosphere.
• Do not shout your own full name out loud while committing murder on a public street.
• Revenge is a dish best not served at all.
• One man with a machine gun could kill everyone at Gotham City Police Headquarters.
• It takes a week or so to write about a Golden Age story, because that's how long it takes to read them.
• Real villains can talk as grandly as they plan.
• If someone in your gang threatens to squeal on you all, just shoot him; that's what the Penguin would do.
• There will never by a League of Ironically Themed Villains because they all die at the end of their stories.