Superman under the Gunn

Well, it wasn't as bad as I was afraid it would be.

But it wasn't nearly as good as it deserved to be.

Superman/Clark Kent  

David Corenswet

who is a REALLY BIG MAN, by the way--like, oddly, noticeably BIG, in a way no other Superman actor has ever been--

is quite fine as Superman.  He carries it off, remaining believable despite Gunn's, well, Gunnisms (more on those later).  He never swears (although there ARE several "goshes"), saves squirrels and (freaky bad CGI) babies, and really cares about people.  Aesthetically, I rather like that his costume is not skin-tight; after all, he's got on a working outfit for putting out fires, he's not an aerobics instructor.  

Et al. 

The movie is full of supporting characters who do next to nothing, such as Ron Troupe, Steve Lombard, Cat Grant, even Martha Kent.  But I mark that as a plus.  Anybody's real life has lot of "supporting characters" in it, who are not all always essential element to every "plot" you are experiencing.  I appreciate Gunn's inclusion of them just like that of the DCU's signature brands (Zesti Cola, Big Belly Burger, etc.).

Jimmy Olsen

The actor still seems a little off-model to me.  But he is more on-model than almost every OTHER live-action Jimmy Olsen.

I mean, we all know what Jimmy Olsen is SUPPOSED to look like.

But the character is used well in the film.  He's not a damsel in distress, but he's quirky, pro-active, gets his story in a characteristically weird way, and is, for no reason anyone in universe understands, attractive to the ladies.

Lois Lane

I don't know how this actress is but, well, not to be unkind, but she just doesn't seem IMPRESSIVE enough to be Lois Lane.  Although she is certainly more on model than that Amy Adams (?) person.  She simply doesn't seem sufficiently substantial to Superman's love interest (or even Clark's frankly).  I'm no fan of Margo Kidder, but at least her Lois Lane was someone to be reckoned with.

Lex 'Bingo Caller" Luthor (Nicholas Hoult)

Look. Nicholas Hoult seems very nice. And pretty. But he was in WAY over his head in this role. You know what more frightening than Hoult's Lex Luthor?  Gene Hackman saying, "Almost nobody", while not even ON SCREEN. Or "by causing the deaths of millions of innocent people".  

I am STILL unnerved by the inhuman coldness of that line, fifty years later.

Hackman's Luthor may have been goofy but... that was part of the point.  That didn't make him any less dangerous. Kind of goofy but still very dangerous is ALSO Superman's brand, remember.  

Kevin Spacey could say "kryptonite" in the goofiest way imaginable, but I never doubted that he was exactly as brilliant as he claimed, dangerously as heck, and irremediably evil. And that's just Spacey, not even Spacey's Luthor.  

Even Jesse Eisenberg

poor, terminally weird Jesse Eisenberg

seemed achingly smart (as all his characters do, I believe).

Hoult did the one thing you can't do as Luthor; he made me doubt Luthor's intelligence. Badly. 

This man shouting 'brains over brawn!' as he threatens to burst the seems of his clothing with every movement and is literally taking over a foreign country with massive firepower is ...
well, I will be kind and call it "comic book irony".

Eve Teschmacher

At first, I didn't like her. Then eventually I realized what they were doing with her and that everything I thought was wrong about her was.... my mistake.  Also on the villain's side of things, I have to confess that Gunn's geek bait of Sydney Happersen and Otis Berg ... yeah, fine. He made me smile with those.

Hawkgirl

And the award for Least Impressive Hawkgirl of All Time goes to... whoever that actress was. Really, I can't even be bothered to look it up.

4

Quick, at this point what could be more trite than Alan Tudyk as an alien or a robot (AGAIN)?  Answer: Alan Tudyk as an Alien Robot.  This is the same kind of casting from the Geek Toolbox that gives us geek favorite Nathan Filion, looking every bit of 75 years old as Guy Gardner.

Mister Terrific

Fine; Mister Terrific WAS exactly as bad-ass as he should be.  But why he should occasionally sound like a cast member of "Good Times' simply because he is black is beyond me and not really in character.

Metamorpho

Metamorpho looked terrible (and not in the way he is supposed to). Naturally, Andrew Carrigan was flawless in the part, because he always is.  But the character uses his powers in EXACTLY the way he CAN'T, according to every single story the character has appeared in since his inception.  It's just another piece of evidence that Gunn doesn't really care about what the characters are, but only about what function they can serve in the story he wants to tell.

Plot Twist

Believe it or not, I actually approve of the plot involving Jor-El and Lara. But I also remember that John Byrne did it first.

Q.E.D. Byrne is NOT a subtle writer; but he is MUCH MUCH subtler than James Gunn.

Plot Problems

I'm only going to list one:

Lex is desperate to make Superman look bad, eh?  But he never uses HIS OWN SUPERMAN CLONE to frame Superman?  Stupid.

Atrocious Gunnism

Oh, they were legion, I'm afraid.  Here's a few.

• Fight scenes with diegetic pop music scores.  I would have preferred simply watching Mr. Terrific kick ass, thank you.
• Supergirl as a drunken frat girl for comic relief.
• Krypto as comic relief. "What?! Krypto's out of control! That's hilarious!" No, it's not. The ONLY Krypto joke that comes close to landing is the dog's perfectly natural reaction to a T-Sphere.
• The Kents as comic relief.  Just because the Kents are "simple farm folk" doesn't mean they would use bad grammar.  
• The sadly GotG-style "Justice Gang" as comic relief. By the way, the idea that such a group would have a corporate sponsor WITHOUT yet having an agreed upon name and image is embarrassingly unrealistic.  
• Was the Justice Gang fighting a giant evil beach ball in the background of a very serious conversation supposed to be funny?  It wasn't.  But that's just about what I would expect from Gunn.
• "So is 'Gary'." Is that supposed to be funny? Not only do I not find Gunn funny, I frequently can't even recognize his attempts at humor as such.  
• Oh, no, are plunky sidekicks are about to fall off the edge of the building! Oh, whoops, it's okay!
• "I'm doing ... important stuff."  Yeah; no. Superman is not a Marvel character, Gunn.
• Clark Kent, a professional reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, completely blind-sided and nonplussed by Lois's straightforward report questions during their 'interview'?  Leading to their faux relatable-couple badinage?  Ugh. Gunn really can only write one style of character, it seems.

Many people will simply be happy to get a non-grimdark version of Superman and, yes, that's in the plus column.  I simply hope that it is the message that resounds from this film, rather than Gunn's goofy, Marvel-style take on things.

Speed Saunders' Mammoth Mystery: HELLO

While searching the tent of Joe Samson the Circus Strongman, Speed says, "HELLO--what's this?"  I just love it when detectives say "HELLO--what's this?"  I always imagine them saying it just like William Dozier.

 

Well, it appears to be an Acme Do-It-Yourself Inflatable Clown Kit, Speed, but I'm not sure what it looks like to you.

Speed has found something you would NEVER IMAGINE an innocent circus person to own: a wig and false mustache.  They reek of deceit and spirit gum.  The props, I mean, not the circus folk, although I suppose it applies.  

I can only assume that since this is September 1939, that author Fred Guardineer lifted this plot point from Agatha Christie's "Hercule Poirot's Christmas", which was published in the U.S. in February 1939.  See, Speed, I can make unwarranted leaps of deduction, too!

"Bushland Bill's Hair and Mustache!" is now my new signature exclamation.

I have no idea how Speed can recognize these objects as "Bushland Bill's Hair and Mustache!" I guess staring at corpses can pay off in the end.  As for the rouge, I guess BB had a ruddy complexion (being an Explorer, you know, especially one who can't drive and must walk across the Serengeti  during his adventuring).   Anyway, this confirms Speed's suspicion that Joe Samson The Circus Strongman wore Bushland Bill's Hair and Mustache(!) while teasing Jumbo, in order to train Jumbo to attack Bushland Bill (or at least to attack Bushland Bill's Hair and Mustache[!], with Bushland Bill bearing the brunt of the damage).

Do tiny telegram messengers just... wander about traveling circuses looking for recipients, as if it were a fixed location?  The past is a foreign country, especially when Speed Saunders is living there.

The postal telegram confirms Speed's suspicions, because how could it dare to do otherwise?

Not every circus roundabout is sufficiently secure in his masculinity to sport apricot nail polish, but Speed is no ordinary man. 

Hm. Tusks is plural.  So there were at least two stolen. "Last July", however long ago that was. Oh, not for nothing, you'll notice that in his original telegram Speed referred to himself as "Inspector Saunders", but the reply addresses him as "Detective Saunders".  You see why he eventually just evolves in "Speed Saunders", which is all the title he needs to exercise authority.

Thanks for withholding essential information like the name of the circus until it was absolutely necessary, Speed. Wouldn't want to confuse your readers.

Bingling Bros.? Honestly, you'd think trademark infringement would be their main concern, not murder.

You know what might have been more detective-like, Speed? Noticing those scratches during all your hours cleaning that elephant.

Now Speed goes to the tent of Elkins The Animal Man, because he is full snooping mode, convinced he can wrap this case up before the evening show.

Elkins' thinking: "Well, these mammoth tusks--and the wire used to affix them to Jumbo's own tusks--have served their purpose now. So I guess I will:
dispose of one of these rare and valuable pre-historic items in an unspecified way;
leave the other stuck in Bushland Bill's corpse, hoping the police won't notice it; but
definitely keep the WIRE, because, gosh, that stuff is just so darned HANDY it would be a shame to waste it merely to avoid a murder conviction."

Speed has a rare moment of self-realization that all his victories may well be unearned.

"The evidence is all ready for court." Dream on, Speed. Harvey Dent couldn't make that case stick even if he used the wire to attach it.

Well, Speed seems to think the case is all wrapped up... with a full page still to go! Tomorrow, we'll enjoy a full page of Speed just kicking back and relaxing, perhaps driving slowly the 12 miles back to town while taking in the countryside.

Perhaps.

Tomorrow: Perhaps NOT!

With Due Respect to Paul Lekakis

Sometimes our entertainment media from the past have built-in limitations.

Say, for example, you, having succumbed (DESPITE MY WARNINGS) to the soul-eroding lure of surrealism, wanted a big-ass eye-popping hi-def repro of a Dali for your dorm room.  Because obviously if you want a big-ass eye-popping hi-def repro of Dali in your living space, you are in college.

Probably "The Persistence of Memory". If you were cool, it would be something more like "The Temptation of Saint Anthony'. But it you were that cool, you wouldn't want a big-ass eye-popping hi-def repro of a Dali on your dorm wall to begin with.

Well, too bad. I've been to the Dali Museum, and I can confirm you can't have one, for a very simple reason.

Good luck looking for a signature, bub.

"The Persistence of Memory" is a very small painting.  You can't just "zoom and enhance" like a future-computer; any attempt to do so is just a hornswoggling boondoggle.  All you're going to get is an increasing fuzzy-looking version of "The Persistence of Memory".

A result surely intended by the waggish artist as a visual satire of the elusive vagueness of actual memories, which resist any efforts to force them to resolve into clarity, even when they persist.  
Or, you know, just because it's small.

I have some "cleaned up" versions of some classic pop tunes, ones where modern technological techniques have been applied to bring clarity to the voices of the original singers, historically buried under the mud of the limitations of the means of recording available to them. And it is eye-opening.

Unfortunately it is also ear-closing.  Turns out there is a REASON that Toni Basil is a world-famous CHOREOGRAPHER.  Being able to hear her singing voice more clearly emphatically does NOT make "Hey, Mickey" a more enjoyable song. It ruins it, in fact, and you have to try to block it from your mind anytime you hear the original version again, lest it destroy your ability to enjoy that, too.

Pictured: Eye-opening.
There are times when the persistence of memory is a downside.

And the less said about the cleaned-up version of Boom Boom Boom by Paul Lekakis, (whom I met during an eventful weekend at Rehoboth during his floruit), the better.

Some memories are best left uncleaned, like Paul Lekakis saying "Let's go back to my room."

So it is with that I mind that I confess to you my utter inability to understand anyone's excitement about the announcement of a 4K remastered version of "Mask of the Phantasm".  

This is not because I am not a fan of "MotP".  Quite the opposite. I cannot imagine it looming larger in anyone's memory than it does it mine.  

In late 1993, all four of my jaws were broken simultaneously and i spent quite some time with my faced bloated, bruised, and wired-shut, subsisting only on Ensure-based milkshakes laced with horse-strength painkillers, sipped through a post-dental straw.  I spent Thanksgiving that way, and, since most of my friends don't know Sign Language, I had to communicate the entire time through a 1990-style laptop that someone loaned me so that I could type out conversation on it.

This is about what that looked like, in case you don't know.
It's a memory whose persistence definitely has a downside.

On December 25, 1993, I had not left the house for at least two months.  A snowstorm began to hit Washington DC that day. Not as bad as the historic "Superstorm" in March, but still nothing that anyone in their right mind would choose to go out in.

And yet.

A friend came and trundled me into an uneasily-procured cab, immobile face and all, and accompanied me on the trek to a small now-long-closed cinema in upper NW DC so that I could see "Mask of the Phantasm" on its opening day.  I had a large Cherry Coke and had skipped my painkillers so I wouldn't be foggy for the experience.

I wanted to make sure my memories of the event persistent and weren't fuzzy.

It still remains the happiest Christmas I have ever had and I am very very fine with that. I cannot imagine any single day making me happier than I was getting out of the house for the first time in two months, into a blinding snowstorm, to sit in a nearly empty cinema, watching that film.  I remember how much I enjoyed it as if it were yesterday.

What can "4k" add to that?  Greater "clarity"? It's a broad scope cartoon; there are no 'details' to see.

I... don't think I'm missing any useful details here.  Does the Joker have something stuck in his teeth I can't see? A piece of scenery, I'm sure.

Like the Golden Age Batman comics it was modeled on, BTAS (even big-screen Mask of the Phantasm) isn't about 'visual detail'. It's all simplification, abstraction, and chiaroscuro.

This panel still remains my perfect example of the power and virtue of the Golden Age art style.

Perhaps Fleischer's Superman cartoon benefit from such a treatment.  But those are a different animal indeed.

I mean, they used roto-scoping, for pete's sake.. Doug Jones went BACK IN TIME to do mo-cap for those robots.

4king "Mask of the Phantasm" just seems like throwing tech at something simply because you can.

And just possibly because you can get people to give you additional money for something they've already seen and own.

4K isn't going to help me, at least, enjoy "Mask of the Phantasm" better. Certainly not better than that Cherry Coke did.

Wild Dog: My Thesis

So if told you I was going to talk about a comic book character who was:

• a millionaire

The fruits of evil are FUNGIBLE.

• man of mystery

That's a brave camera-person who took that.

• who's a dramatic gun-toting vigilante

R.I.P.-lining!

• inspired by the death of a loved one

That bear saved his life.

• who wears a garish outfit

Imagine laying that out on your bed and saying,
"Yes! THIS is the look I'm going for today!"

• drives a signature thematic vehicle

"Red Rover, Red Rover, let Wild Dog run over."

• has cozy relationships with authority figures

That's just the police guy; there's also a reporter guy and a spy guy.

• and fights colorful and semi-deranged foes

THOUGHT-ROBOTS!

• in a city of his own

Or cities.

• who kills without compunction

Eleazar P. Wilddog's portrait approves:
"No decent man would wear that shirt."

• and quips for the reader's amusement while doing so,

Wild Dog turns vigilanteism into performance art.

you would, I should think, assume that I was going to discuss a Golden Age hero. If so, then, congratulations; you've come to the same conclusion I have:

Wild Dog is a Golden Age hero who just happens to have been created in 1987.

More Fun (without Green Arrow)

 Our story begins as all the best Green Arrow stories do: without Green Arrow.

And yet people are still booing.

Actor Richard Bright thinks people don't like him any more because his looks have faded, when the more obvious conclusion is that he was always a crappy actor who used to get by on looks.

Certainly not the kind of thing that would ever happen to Green Arrow.

So, instead of honing his craft and developing a second-stage career as a character actor, the inappropriately named Bright decides to go with the Sensational Cure-All of 1942: plastic surgery.

Paul Sloane would like a word with you, Richard, about keeping things in perspective.

Fortunately for Richard, Professor Angel, director of the world-famed Angel Hospital, is eager to help.

"Meanwhile, may I offer you some refreshments? Perhaps some Microscope Under Glass...?"

Unfortunately for Richard, Professor Angel's services are a total scam.

Professor Angel's chipper tsk-tsk smells like a signature saying.  Do we have a recurring GA foe in the making...?!

There's often a point early on in Golden Age stories where all common logic must be thrown out the window in order for the reader to proceed.  As in, what kind of crime can be more profitable than actually running a legitimate plastic surgery business?

"NOW I'm going to get RICH. I have a has-been pretty-boy actor at my disposal!"

So, these imprisoned saps in backless hospital gowns agree to their captor's demands to come up with some half-assed, cobbled-together crimes to make him richer than the owner of a plastic surgery clinic.

What better help could a criminal mastermind want than three random disfigured civilians with zero experience in doing crimes? It's foolproof, I tell you!

The first guy uses his expertise in trucking to help them hijack a rubber tire shipment.

It's the FRAME that really makes the mirror hilarious, like they borrowed it from Apache Chief's bathroom.  How much do you think that whole set-up cost? Less than a truckload of tires...?

Ah, the preferred target of Golden Age heists: SHIPMENTS. If you can't snap a payroll, go after a shipment (actually payrolls ARE shipments... of cash).  Golden Agers weren't lazy like you modern criminals, with your cryptocurrencies and micro-transactions.  They robbed big SHIPMENTS of STUFF, like rubber tires, to sell on the black market. 

Never forget that Two-Face was not above stealing shipments of chewing gum.

Shipments of random products were the cryptocurrency of the day.  And this particular day was during World War II where rubber was in high demand and short supply (what with the Japanazis having taken over most of the rubber-producing countries of the Pacific and the war effort requiring so much rubber for military vehicles and the like).  So, as ridiculous as stealing a truckful of tires sounds to us now, it make more sense at the time. Certainly more sense than chewing gum.

So, obviously the plan is to use the mirror to make the truck drivers think another truck is coming toward them, causing them to slam on the brakes; thus stopped, the truck drivers can be forced to disembark at gunpoint, with the thieves making off with a truckful of valuable tires.  All very tidy, and with no bloodshed!

Oh. Or that instead.

Oh, right; what was I thinking? This is the Golden Age, and body count MATTERS.  

Gotta say; that's an AWESOME scream. Poor Wilhelm!

"This is horrible!" says the guy whose idea it was to lower a giant mirror in front of an oncoming truck on a curvy cliffside roadway.  Some trucking expert he turned out to be; now, I guess, they'll just CARRY a ton of tires away by hand. What a haul!

Gotta admire Professor Angel's sang-froid about (indirectly) causing such a hideous accident and their potential booty lying in a flaming blood-covered heap of twisted metal at the bottom of a cliff; this guy definitely has the makings of a good long-term Green Arrow foe.–

As you may have already guessed, Professor Angel has three stooges to set up the standard Golden/Silver Age tripartite structure of encounters (1. Villain successfully steals and gets away; 2. Villain's theft is foiled but he still gets away; 3. Hero foils theft and captures villain).    This is the first encounter, but, this being a Green Arrow story, he's nowhere to be found and is probably lounging on his sofa watching--

Oh, gods help me...

Things That Made Me Happy...

in my comics this week.

• Okay, I'll admit it: I didn't know who Charles Bukowski was either.
• Only Cliff Steele would say, "Typical" at that point.
• Yes... what is a human life, balanced against a perfectly cooked omelette?
• Batman discovers that Moscow ain't Gotham.
• "At least they're about how fairness and justice still prevail in the world, and that's important these days." Hear, hear.
• Really, it surprisingly anyone is allowed to build a Ferris wheel or a roller coaster in the DCU anymore, because it's always just a matter of time... .
• Eddie's sex-change shortcut.
• I'm amazed that I've been made to care so much about Kryptonian politics.
• Heh. Now THAT is Artemis.
• The Human Flame versus Miss Army Knife. Guess who wins?
• Whoa. DP kicks butt.
• The Gotham laws about important conversations.
• Lookalikes. In flavors.
• Free will override? Heh. That's the Chief's work alright.
• Alura does her job.
• It's good that someone remembered Jay's friends. But that was a cheap and unnecessary way to do so. I officially disapprove.
• "I eat impossible for breakfast and crap out unicorns!" is my new signature saying.
• Rita and Karen as friends. That makes perfect sense!
• Black holes that negotiate.
• Really, of all the sentences I've read lately, "C'est le chlore, un element chimique gazeux!" was among the least likely.
• Mr. Polka Dot's ironic fate.
• Wow. A riot of Kryptonians is not a pretty thing. Unless it's drawn really really well.
• Kanigher Street, indeed.
• Zummazumma, the Living Doll. Priceless.
• Ah. Banshee. That's makes perfect sense.
• Wow. James Robinson remembers how Ray and Freddy know each other. Impressive.
• Mr. Bateman. Lord, I nearly fell out of my chairing laughing at that.
• I LOVE Copper.
• Say, what you like; it's good to see Congo Bill again.
• I actually had to look up 'furikake'.
• That's from Dante's Inferno, by the way. "Abandon all hope, ye who enter."
• 26-th dimensional hypergriffins. Really, want more do you want?
• I, too, am still unhappy with my fricatives.
• Skelecopter. Priceless.
• "This a job for Superman." If you are not reading World of New Krypton, I call thee fool.

The Shield: Who He Is, and How He Came to Be, III

And now the final segment of the origin of ... THE SHIELD!


When last we left the Shield's origin, Joe Higgins, having discovered the secret of the SHIELD formula, strapped himself down on the Table of Pain and Pleasure for 12 hours to become THE SHIELD.

Forget exploding planets and bats in the study. THIS is an origin panel, people.

With no one to witness it except his faithful sidekick, the Green Chinese Lamp, Joe Higgins transforms into THE SHIELD. Even more amazing, the fluoroscopic rays interact with the chemicals to dye his blank costume into an American flag pattern, to which he need only add stars.

What are the odds?

Joe tests his powers as the Shield using every-day objects you find around the house, such as....

The Flame RoomThe Kodak Insta-matic Machine GunThe Crushy-Walled Room and International Shadows Project InstallationAnd, last but not least...

the World's Largest Open WindowNo doubt a souvenir of his Dad's stint in Cy Coleman's Defenestration Follies of 1940.

Now confident in his superpowerhood, the Shield reveals himself to J. Edgar Hoover by changing clothes in front of him. And, no, I will not show you the panels; this is a family blog.

This is followed by an extended sequence of setting a trap for bad guys, then beating the crap out of them and hanging them off flagpoles, in order to reach the Big Bad: Hans Fritz.

As previously mentioned, the action quotient in Shield stories is high, but the level of discourse is not. So when Fritz escapes via a trap door (inGENious!), the Shield has clearly not yet prepared himself with a signature saying (as I have).

"Hey!" Joe, you really are a stupid American swine.

So, Joe simply kicks in the trap door with his famous pointy-toes of justice, then goes skittering along the underground passageway looking for all the world like Penelope Pitstop running from the Hooded Claw:

Then the Shield captures Hans Fritz in one of the great comic book sequences of all time...

First of all, to get out of the passageway, Joe doesn't just remove the exit door with his superstrength. No, no. This is THE SHIELD we're talking about here. To the Shield, there's only one way to deal with such an obstacle:

If Geoff Johns does not at some point reveal that the Shield is related to Hal Jordan, it shall be a tragically missed opportunity.

Follows then the Shield's patented "running leap at a plane taking off" maneuver.

Washington trivia: During the '30s and '40s, there were entire neighborhoods where all the buildings were yellow, orange, and lime because no one could afford any other colors.

The villain, however, is unimpressed and says the Golden Age equivalent of, "So, hang on the plane; whatever, dude." Then the Shield pulls another Shieldtastic trick that ranks just below setting himself on fire and launching himself at an enemy ship:

Props to you, Joe.

Maybe somebody else has done that, but I've never seen it. And did they do it with their legs, while humping a nosecone and snarking? I think not. The Shield rocks, people.

Having captured the men who framed his father, Joe offers his on-going services to J. Edgar Hoover, who accepts, provided Joe passes his "examination". Ahem.

Subtext? What subtext?

And so was born.... THE SHIELD.