Respect Your Elders!

Comments on my previous post have given me an idea for a new rule.

It's occurred to me how little sense it makes that Tom King, who began writing Batman in 2016 and was born in 1978, should be allowed to summarily kill off Alfred Pennyworth, a character who's been supporting Batman rather essentially and consistently since 1943. Do seniority, gravity, tradition, history, resonance count for nothing? Did you read any of those stories, Tom? Or were you so obsessed with breaking down Batman that you didn't care? Your resume says you interned at DC, but you sure seem like an outsider to me.

Maybe you considered Alfred your competition.

I think it goes without saying that writers shouldn't be killing off characters willy-nilly or really, you know... at all. Hey, comics writers; I know a lot of you are novelists (or frustrated ones), but these characters aren't fodder in YOUR novels. They are part of society's collective mythos. More to the economic point: they are IP, baby. IP is gold. 

Remember this throwaway moll from "Joker's Favor" (BTAS, 1992)?
30 years later she's worth more than most Caribbean nations.

No wait, that's not right, because gold is static. They are money trees, really.  How many stupid, obscure properties need to become hits on tv or the movies or cartoons before DC realizes that WRITERS are way more replaceable than characters and that characters are potentially a LOT more profitable.  DC, if you are given a choice between "killing off" your characters or a writer, the choice seems pretty obvious.  After all, the character will never abandon you for Substack and no writer is ever going to headline a show about their adventures as a member of the British SAS.  The Polka Dot Man has a major motion picture; I guarantee you Tom King won't.

But even if you can't agree that no writer should even be allowed to kill ANY character, I ask you to at least concede this:

No writer should ever be allowed to kill off a character older than they are.

I mean, if a character has lasted longer than you currently have... it wins.  It's earned its safety, at least from YOU.  You have no idea what the world was like without it, so if you're thinking of killing if off, you don't know what you're doing.  

Let's take me as an example. If the new forces at DC (because strong winds of changes are clearing blowing there) were to call me tomorrow and say, "Well, we all stayed up all night reading the Absorbascon and agreed that YOU'RE the only person who can write VIBE!, Vibe & The Groove Crew, Vibe Family, and Breakdancer Comics. Will you do it?!" I would say (loudly enough so that my neighbor, Tom King, could hear), "Yes, but only on the condition that you not allow me to kill any characters that existed before I did."

Admit it:
you're thinking about just WHO would be in the Groove Crew.
Suggestions welcome.

Here's a list of some of the characters I couldn't kill because they are JUST older than I am:

Flash characters Eobard Thawne, Ira West, Mick Rory

You know damned well she'd shoot you first, no questions asked, before you could get to her dad.

The Doom Patrol and General Immortus

What a relief to know that one is at least SLIGHTLY younger than General Immortus.

A truckload of Kryptonians (Kru-El, Nor-Kann, Gra-Mo, Sul-El, Tala-El, Gam-El, Roz-Em, Hatu-El, Ras-Krom, Zora Vi-Lar, Ha-Kor, Nim-El, Tur-Tel)

Of course "killing Kryptonians" isn't really much of an issue any more.

Batman villains Thomas Blake, Simon Hurt, Zazzala 

Catman, in particular, has proven to be pretty resilient as a character

Green Lantern villains Neal Emerson, Karshon, Abel Tarrant 

I'm sure you didn't really need me to post those pics for you.

Aquaman character Mera

Frankly, I pity the writer that tries to kill off Mera, may they rest in peace.

Eclipso /Bruce Gordon

Have you ever wondered why Eclipso hasn't met Two-Face?
Like, even just for coffee or something?

The Legion's Jan Arrah, who doesn't know anything anyway.

Much though some people might like me to.

Hawkman foe Ira Quimby

I'm sorry, if you don't love a villain who dresses in biker drag and becomes super-intelligent by sunbathing, why are you even reading comics?

 

Wonder Woman foe Mouse Man 

Although if I DID kill him off, you had better believe I'd have Catman do it.

and...

Zook 

Oh.
Oh.
Um....
Perhaps... perhaps I'm being a bit hasty with this idea...

Disturbingly Parallel

I've never done psychotropic drugs, but I did watch a lot of Gumby as a child, which I suspect is a fairly similar experience.  

Oops; wrong picture; but close enough.

The similarities between the Martian Manhunter and Gumby -- both of whom debuted in 1955, by the way -- have been noted before, mostly famously in Justice League America #38 :

That was also the issue where Despero killed Steel and then killed Gypsy's parents and propped their bodies up in the living room for her to find. 
But no one remembers that part.

 

If you aren't familiar with Gumby, well, he's a green shapeshifter with red eyes who can phase through objects,  whose powers are pretty much limited only by his imagination, and whose adventures manage to be both mundane and surreal. Sound familiar?

Also not a big fan of fire.

Sometimes I've wondered whether Gumby could be a source for MM stories. Gumby's "foes" include:

the Blockheads (G & J), 

the Mocking Monkey, 

rampaging robots, 

an evil sentient glob of dough, 

and Dr. Zveegee, 

all of whom really sound like they'd fit right with foes of the Alien Atlas.   But it wasn't until today that I realized that both Gumby and MM had pet dachshunds:

That one's Gumby's.

You can tell there are no dogs on Mars. Or SPCA in Apex City.

But this is the real eye-opener for me:

Zook

Pokey

They both have orange, tag-a-long, semi-pointless, pet-cum-sidekicks.  

The Justice Pack of America

There are some ideas you just can’t get out of your head.

This is mine:

The Justice Pack of America.

I mean, after all, if the original Robotman could have a robot dog, then the JLAers certainly deserve them, too

Krypto the Superdog

For all his other super-ness, Krypto can’t talk. He apparently doesn't even bark. He just makes that ‘yip’ sound that only other dogs understand.

Krypto is that rock-dumb but pleasant dog that never gets tired of playing fetch. Particularly with Kenny Braverman's femur.

Ace, the Bat-Hound

It’s really important to me that you realize that Ace – in any appearance, in any media – is not actually a hound. You can tell by the ears. But we are kind of stuck with the name now.

He was very well characterized on the "Superdog" cartoon show. Personally, I like to picture him doing a constant inner monologue of his own adventures, like in a Frank Miller book. Because some dogs are very serious people.

Ace is that dog who you can tell from the first moment he looks at you has already sized up the softest parts of your body and how long it would take him to crush your trachea and eat your liver. Just in case.

Salty the Sea Dog

Aquaman's never had a dog, but, it's a very son-of-a-lighthouse-keeper kind of thing to have some stoic, faithful canine by your side as you walk along the beach. Remember all the dogs that had to be thrown back in the sea to keep them alive in Sub Diego? There are water-breathing dogs in the DCU. Aquaman needs one that can communicate telepathically. He would be the quiet leader of the group, helping them to communicate with one another and with humans. And aliens. And other things, like Egg Fu and Geo-Force.

Salty's the kind of quiet, faithful dog that sits by your grave when you die. Until you rise from the dead to command an army of dead fish.

Oistos and Toxeuma, the Arcadian hounds

If the idea of Wonder Woman's having dogs (instead of, say, gorillas) seems strange to you, then you're not thinking about Artemis, Greek goddess of the hunt, whose Roman version was named... Diana. She was always traipsing around with a pack of hunting dogs--just ask Actaeon. It's not unreasonable that Artemis would gift a couple to WW. With Amazonian prey-hunting skills. And super-toughness. And Collars of Truth.

Oistos and Toxeuma are those hyper-alert dogs who you only see as a pair and are never more than five feet from each other.

Rex the Wonder Dog

The original Green Lantern, Alan Scott, had a dog named Streak the Wonder Dog who, quite famously, wound up supplanting Alan as the star of his own book. But the DCU still has another "wonder dog": Rex. Rex has mystically imbued powers like immortality, telepathic communication, and human intelligence. This would make him a perfect companion for Hal Jordan, who, despite his ring, has none of those powers.

Hal could really use a dog like Rex. It would be kind of like Inspector Gadget and Brain the Dog.

Rex is that kind of dog that really loves to be useful and needs to look after its master 24/7. Lucky for Hal.

Bolt, the Hypersonic Hound

The Flash needs a dog. A super-fast dog that’s still super-lazy and moves as little as possible.

That would, of course, have to be a Greyhound.

Can't you see Barry being late for some world-shaking emergency because he's gotta walk the dog and wait until it deigns to go Number 2? As for why the dog would have superspeed, well, just chalk it up to "The Speed Force". Works for everything else, it seems. Geoff Johns would make it all feel so inevitable... Barry would rescue some dog from a racing track ("I know how you feel, my friend, always having to run ..."), and then the dog would wander into Barry's enormous apartment lab poking around because Barry was wrapped up in some experiment and was late feeding him, and go poking around some funny smelling cabinet of chemicals just as a lightning storm was hitting its peak... .

Bolt's that creepy kind of dog that never makes a peep and is either moving REALLY fast or pretty much not all. In other words, a Greyhound.

Jupiter II, the Dog Not From Mars

Jupiter II wouldn't be a real dog; but he would look like one and think he was one.

The Martian Manhunter’s first dog was a dachshund named Jupiter. Yes, really. But his more famous pet was Zook, the hideous pidgeon-talking space-monkey thing. I’ve always imagined that, at some point, Zook might start to go crazy and became a public danger, so J’onn would have given him a little psychic whammy to convince him he was just a dog, so that he wouldn't have to put Zook down. And so people wouldn't hate him so much for being a space-monkey.

Zook would still have his odd abilities (specifically, to change temperature and stretch his shape). He'd still be able to talk, but only in odd two-word non sequiturs and outbursts, kind of like Invader Zim's "dog". But Zook would have no idea that any of this meant he's obviously not really a dog.

Zook is the kind of dog that... No, scratch that.

Oh, and, occasionally, when the mood struck him or the situation warranted....

the Phantom Stray.