Heroclix Sunday: Porter Pogs

Actor Scott Porter is a faithful fan of Heroclix and has been doing their unboxing videos for years now, and, as a way of honoring him, Wizkids is coming out with a Scott Porter bystander token (basically, a sculpt-less pog that functions as a one-click figure).

Clearly, they wanted to do right by Scott, as his stats and powers are great:

A triple-targeting, incapacitating, sidestepping wildcard with a very helpful special power that can vastly increase his teammate's chances of making a successful attack, for only 20 points! Sure, he can be taken out with one shot, but you are meant to protect him accordingly.

Now, I like Scott Porter, but I like even more all the characters I can re-label this token as.

Such as...

Hawkman's SHADRACH, MISHACH, AND ABEDNEGO

whom, you'll remember, are the bigwigs in the Hawkfoe organization CAW (the Criminal Alliance of the World)

Or the Flash's PATTY SPIVOT

whom you'll remember as the person Barry Allen should have married instead of that hateful witch, Iris.

Or the Atom's HOWARD CRANE

whom I hope you will remember IS NOT WIZARDO.

Or Wonder Woman's BRENDA

who does not have a last name but I called her "Major" because she's a drum major.

Or Aquaman's playful water-sprite QUISP

whom you'll remember Grant Morrison turning into a murderous Fifth Dimensional imp, because Morrison is not at ALL as original as you think he is.

Or deeply unloved Martian Manhunter foe, PROF. ARNOLD HUGO

whom you won't remember at all, because no one does, but who be hilarious when pimp-slapped by J'onn out the game in one swat.

Anyway, as these are cheap and easy to make, I intend to make "Chris Porter" tokens to join the friends and foes of each of the icon heroes for whom I have Heroclix.  Any suggestions as to whom the Porter Pogs could represent in the Green Lantern and Green Arrow mythos are welcome!

Taking Head Week #7: CAW and the Unsatisfying Conclusion

So the Hawks have rescued the Head McGuffin and Miss Sparklejuice from obscurity (and CAW) and are heading to return them to the Nine Unknowns, the people irresponsible enough and lazy enough to have lost them two thousand years and never looked for them or made replacements.  Great idea.

"Aren't we tandomly wonderful?!"  

The Hawks are totally That Couple You Hate On Facebook

The hidden sanctuary of the Nine Unknowns, unhidden by the Hawks' portable absorbascon.  

Wow. There actually are nine of them.  That's a level of fidelity I wasn't expecting in a Hawkstory.

First of all, the Hawks are NOT humans.  Second of all they are in mid-air; so they haven't set foot anywhere yet.  Third, what the HECK are you wearing?!  

Why not just take them to the Midway museum? 

They'd be broken within a week.

The Nine Unknowns take the Hawks on a tour of their sanctuary, because, although nameless like EVERYONE else in this story, they are still polite hosts, which is impressive since they haven't had any guests in 50 years.

Hey, that means... someone visited them in 1914. Any guesses?  A young Sonny Blandish?  Arne Saknussen? Vandal Savage? Enemy Ace?  Yeah; probably Enemy Ace.  Hans got around.

The spinning indic-arrow at the left of the machine really makes this panel.  Also, I have zero doubt that there's almost always strange radiation in Hawkgirl's body, just on principle.

The Hawks are so constantly afflicted with tingling sensations for some reason or other, that they don't even think twice about it anymore.  All those special pleasure-enhancing lubricants, no doubt.

Figuring that the radiation was just CAW's way of trying to find the sanctuary, the Nine Unknowns (or at least The One Unknown Who Talks A Lot) turns on the sonic shower and purges the Hawks of the strange radiation.  

It's a lot like the Decontamination Room of Sexiness on Enterprise, isn't it?

It's beneath the GANGES?!  Um, yeah.  No, thanks. NO treasure is worth going into the Ganges River.

As the now radiation-free Hawks return to Midway City, they are tailed by an evil limo.

Why would you need to tag the Hawks with special radiation to track them? Is there anyone easier to spot on earth?!?

And who is IN that evil limo? Why, the leaders of CAW:

Shadrach, Mishach, and Abednego.

Uh-oh, they have the power of serialocution. That's dangerous.

That's some multicultural WORLD evil, right there.  A fedora, a fez, AND a turban. I'd be more impressed if I didn't know Jervis Tetch could kill these guys in 60 seconds.

Their back-up plan is a pretty clever fake-out, actually, The REAL target (um, currently) is the portable absorbascon Hawkgirl is carrying, which can tell them anything damn thing the plot requires. 

Which is WAY more useful than a Universal Death Ray, 

by the way.  What are going to do with a ray that kills everybody?  

Is this the point where I mention that the absorbascon SITS IN THE HAWK'S OFFICE at the museum all day and could be stolen easily?  No. No, it is not.

So Manny, Moe, and Jack press the button that should kill the Hawks and...nothing happens. Because of course the Hawks have been purged of the offending radiation.

"Next time, Gadget!"

What an impossibly byzantine plot.  No wonder CAW hasn't taken over the world.  More like the Criminal Alliance of Frustrated Impotence, if you ask me.

I still love CAW, though, because they are true villains and not mere crooks.  Real crooks would just have shot the Hawks during one of their frequent, obvious fly-bys and THEN gone after the Head McGuffin and Miss Sparklejuice.  

That's why the Hawks don't live in Gotham.

Talking Head Week #6: CAW Needs YOU!