Friday, April 15, 2016

The Fate of ...GLOAT-FACE

Naturally, the story ends with the real Leaguers beating the crap out of the fake Leaguers (the disguised Livergoons). Be grateful I'm skipping the two-page spread that's wasted on that particular fight.


Maybe the Livergoons impersonating the Leaguers isn't so ridiculous, 
given that they all speak in the same annoyingly repetitive way. 


And Superman returns from space to track down the no-so-dead-after-all Tattoed Man.  Turns out the Headmaster just put him into suspended animation and hoped the M.E. didn't have time to gut him that day.  


If you won't kill because it's 'nasty', 
then supervillain may not be the best profession for you, H.M.


This gives writer O'Neil another opportunity to try to use the familiar conventions of the Silver Age while simultaneously deriding them as stupid. 


Um...you pretty much NEVER punch regular humans in the jaw, Superman. 
And with good reason.  It would be nasty.


And, while capturing Headmaster, Green Arrow says something stupid. I mean, stupid even for Green Arrow.



  1. Ray, they aren't king-size; you are tiny.  You're not fooling anyone but yourself.  
  2. No human being has ever said "gloat-face".  Wait...isn't that a Green Arrow villain?
  3. Batman: "Your thing, Ollie?  You mean, get pwned by some goons and captured like a noob sidekick? Sure, Ollie, knock yourself out! It'll save them the trouble."


So, the Headmaster and the Livergoons are defeated and captured, Superman's back from his space-cation, and Ollie is cleared of (these) murder charges. There's nothing...

Wait.


Editor's Note: Charlie Sneed working in a pretzel factory is supposed to be funny.


What about the opening scene, the gripping one with the paper airplane, thrown out a barred window by someone claiming Green Arrow was going to kill them?!?!?!  What does that have to do with the plot?

Nothing.  At all.


"PLEASE let me be something other than Green Arrow! ANYTHING!"


It was just a bunch of kids, playing in an abandoned barred-window room at the top of a skyscraper (as kids do), which apparently the police never investigated after Charlie took them the first note.  


With stories like this immediately preceding it, no WONDER people manage to have fond memories of the Satellite Era that followed.






Wednesday, April 13, 2016

I've gone ARROW-SHOOTING WILD!


Meanwhile, back at the Atom's undercarriage, we discover...

that the court order that banished Superman from earth until Green Arrow could be caught by the authorities was requested by.someone named ...Cabeza Maestro. Which none of the Justice Leagues realized was "Head Master";


Once again, the answer to the League's problems is Vibe.


and that Headmaster, who I thought so cleverly was delaying the execution of the Leaguers so that their corpses would be fresh, as part of his plot to frame them and then get elected dictator for killing them, actually just... forgot to kill them;



I told you the bomb was a lie.  I bet he promised the Livergoons cake afterwards, too.


And that a Livergoon can't even stop talking enough to take the opportunity to kill three Leaguers, because he's too busy talking about how boring talking is;


"Quickly, GA! Use your mighty Martian-breath! Oh, wait....right."


and that the Atom's mighty undercarriage is strong enough to stop a bullet;


That's... is it wrong of me to think that's kind of hot? I don't care, it's what the internet is for.


and that the Atom's ingenious plan for not-exploding the bomb is, in fact, to let the bomb explode.



Avoiding collateral damage is not the highest of Atom's priorities. Or even 'one of them'.


Adding "exploding villagers" to the 1001 Ways to Defeat Green Arrow.  Fortunately for the villagers, THERE IS NO BOMB and the bomb is a lie.  Not that Ray cares.  Ray's all, "Exploded villagers, whatever, that's not carnage, I live with Jean Loring, I know what real carnage is."

Anyway, Atom knocks out Ringo, and Ollie, Bruce, and Barry go off to tackle John, Paul, and George, who (disguised as Batman, Flash, and Green Arrow) are "rampaging" through the nearby village, provided that "rampaging" means "causing minor property damage."


Holy crow, they just CANNOT SHUT UP WITH THE STUPID THINGS.


You know, if I had a Livergoon with sufficient super-strength to bend a lamppost with his bare hands, disguising him as Batman would probably not be my first instinct.  Just saying.

Next... the (exceedingly  non-)thrilling ending!!!!



Monday, April 11, 2016

C is for Crumbiness


When we last left the JLA, the Flash was brrzzapped unconscious, Superman was banished off-planet by a court order, Green Arrow was captured by a quartet of british-biker-garbed Livergoons (who, despite their outfits, talk like the Bowery Boys, non-stop), and Batman (who beats the crap out of the Livergoons who capture GA, because he's Batman) has been ray-gunned into submission.   


 He's lying, by the way; 
because he's not only a villain he's a cheapskate, and lying is cheaper than bombs.


That (now revealed) villain, in case you don't recognize him from behind is none other than : 


THE HEADMASTER


We agree with you completely, Flash.


The Headmaster.  Another powerless, ugly, and idiotic JLA villain brought to you by Gardner Fox and Mike Sekowsky.  Actually his full name was "Headmaster Mind" in his original appearance four years before this, but by this point he seems to have lost his "Mind".  So to speak.



"Vanquisment" really is a word; I had to look it up to make sure.


His plan is to frame the captured heroes for crimes committed by costumed Livergoons and then dump the real heroes corpses nearby afterwards claiming to have killed them, which will then make him popular enough to be elected dictator.  





Yes, really.  


This plan took him four years of careful planning.  This is why you probably haven't heard of the Headmaster.  He's the in-universe equivalent of Zack Snyder, since his plans depend on making the world hate and mistrust DC's greatest heroes.


 That's a better grade than the writer gets, GA!


Add 'crumbiness' to the list of 1001 Ways to Defeat Green Arrow. One nice touch to this plan, though. It does give the villain a reason not to kill the heroes right away; he needs their corpses to be fresh for later, or the frame up won't work. I mean, at least, that's what I am deducing; he doesn't say that or anything because that would make too much sense.

Anyway, obviously the Headmaster's plan is *ahem* foolproof.  So what can possibly save them...!?!?!

Don't worry, because the one thing that can save them is currently flying to their rescue:

This is for you, Damian.  It's all for you.


THE ATOM'S UNDERCARRIAGE!