Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Bronze Age Batman Boogie

I grew up reading Bronze Age comics and, like any sensible person, hating them. I reserve particular odium for the Bronze Age Batman.

In the past I've had difficulty finding ways of expressing my exasperation at this goofball version of the Caped Crusader (though that hasn't stopped me from trying). Somehow, he managed to be less competent than the Golden Age neophyte Batman, less emotionally stable than the irascible Iron Age Batman, and goofier than the space-faring Silver Age Batman.

In fact, the only I like about him is that he used to go dancing. A lot. And not subtly, either. But that's okay, because I like my heroes to dance.

But thinking of dancing gave me an idea. I will express myself just as I do on stage: IN SONG!

And so I give you, to the tune of American Bandstand's theme song (Charles Albertine's Bandstand Boogie, as lyricized by Bronze Age goofball Barry Manilow)...

The Bronze Age Batman Boogie!

I'm Bronze Age Batman!
I'm stupid in my own way.

I'm Bronze Age Batman!
I'm stupid both night and day.

I"m Bronze Age Batman,
and I don't care what you say,

'cause I'm Bronze Age

I'm goin' swingin'
We're gonna swing in the crowd

And we'll be clingin'
And floatin' high as a cloud

My head is ringin'

I'm always talking out loud
'cause I'm Bronze Age

And I'll jump, and hey,
I may even show'em my handstand
Because I am the dumb
and wholly incompetent Bronze Age

when we dance real slow
I'll show every slavering Bat-fan
What a swinger I am,
because I'm the Bronze Age Batman

I'm Bronze Age Batman!
Can't trust a word that I say!

I'm Bronze Age Batman!
I'm goofy, happy, and gay.

I'm Bronze Age Batman!
I let the crooks get away,

'cause I'm Bronze Age

Bronze Age
Bolas away! Suddenly ten, fighting Big Ben, all in day.

Hey I'm makin' my markGee, my bed is jumpin'

Dick made such a fuss just to go for a driveHey, it's Mr. Dick Gray-
son, he's shedding a tear;

Swell, son! The music's hot here

Dancing in line,
Dance like it's nineteen seventy five!

For an all time-low
I'm caught by the dumb Ten-Eyed Man's hands

Because I am,
Because I'm stupid Bronze Age Batman
I react real slowI'm showin' my ass layed out flat, man!
I fight like a girl,
'Cause I'm stupid Bronze Age Batman

I'm Bronze Age Batman
and I am frequently bruised

I'm Bronze Age Batman
and I am easily rused

I'm Bronze Age Batman
you'll find me often confused

'cause I'm Bronze Age

I'm Bronze Age Batman,

and I am helpless alone.

I'm Bronze Age Batman,
sometimes I'm Matches Malone,

I'm Bronze Age Batman
and I am accident prone,

'cause I'm Bronze Age

And I'll shout and pout and grouse every chance I can,
Fight on giant props, just because I canTune in, dope up, turn on, drop out, I'm on
No way! (BATMAN!)


Nate said...

Such a lovely song -
so brilliant, so beautiful
almost hypnotic

SallyP said...

Why...why this was delightful! I love seeing Batman get whacked in the head even more than Hal! And if there is one thing that I love, it is seeing Batman be less...than omnipotent. Although I have to say that I'm impressed by the sheer level of batstupidity on display.