A Perfect Hal Jordan Dis

I think it's fair to say I am something of an expert on not respecting Green Lantern, backed by a twenty-year track record of highlighting his foibles.

For which twenty years is not enough.

Yet, this week, in Aquaman, of all places, I read the most damningly dismissive dis of Hal Jordan I have ever seen.  And from the mouth of a little girl.

NEVER HERE-O BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

A witticism truly worthy of a young person discriminating enough to dress as Aquaman for Halloween.  One which strikes at a flaw in the execution of Hal Jordan as a character that is more pervasive than his being stupid, 

or clumsy, 

or vain.

It strikes at the fact that the "Hero of Coast City" is never there.  His adventures seldom occur there, he has few connections there, and it seldom has need of him (except when it is endangered by the fact that he lives there).  

He is NOT at home, washing his tights.

It's the same criticism I make of his infamous heel-turn into a universe-destroying maniac when Coast City was destroyed.  "How could Hal be that upset about Coast City when he's barely ever there?"

My own interpretation is that he wasn't upset so much because he LURVED Coast City, but because he felt guilt for being away so much, including when it needed him most.  It was own failure that drove him mad, not grief.

The fault isn't really "Hal's", as a character.  It's the fault of the writers who consistently favor extraterrestrial adventures for Hal rather than terrestrial ones.  It's an understandable preference; Earth is, after all, lousy with superheroes and in space there are lot fewer things to hit your head on.

Fewer. But not zero.

The Ga-Ga Gun

 August 1964

Owlman uses his Illumina-Gun in "Crisis on Earth Three" (Justice League of America #29)

April 1967

The Owl uses his Owl-Gun in Dell Comics' The Owl #1.

September 1967

Dr. Mid-Nite uses his Cyrotuber in "Crisis Between Earth 1 and Earth 2" (Justice League of America #47).

The Ga-Ga Gun (or its equivalent) was quite simply an idea whose time clearly had come.  But has it gone?  I have never seen repeated uses of such a device.  

I must agree with the assessment that Dr. Mid-Nite's blackout bombs were a threadworn device, even in the '60s.  I find Dr. Mid-Nite more interesting when the character's uniqueness in being a brilliant physician is relied upon narratively more than his uniqueness as a (daytime) blind person.  Giving him a a wider variety of weapons based on his knowledge of this weaknesses of the human body seems like it would keep the character much more interesting in a contemporary context.

The New History of the DCU

Having just read the second and third issues of The New History of the DCU, I want to share my thoughts on this masterpiece of synoptic lore-spinning.  It is a tremendous, unenviable undertaking with impressive results, even if I don't agree with each decision made in the process.

I am delighted that the creators choose to represent the original Teen Titans with one of their most absurd adventures, where they fought giant disembodied body parts.

Well, that caption box packs a wallop. By describing Wonder Woman as a "born of clay and endowed with godly powers" in strongly rejects her new-ish "secret origin" as the daughter of Zeus in favor of her traditional origin.  But PERHAPS it is simply that Barry doesn't KNOW the secret origin?  That's my hope since I like Wonder Woman more as a demigod than as a Galatea.  It also embraces the concept (first offered by John Byrne, I believe) that there was a Wonder Woman in WWII, but that it was Diana's mother, Hippolyta.  I guess I'm not the only fan who wants to have his cake and eat it, too.

Bulletproof cape?  An understandable, if strained, attempt to soften the idea of letting a kid run into battle with gun-toting gangsters... as if he would ever actually get the chance to use the cape, WHICH FLOWS BEHIND HIM, to protect himself.

My feelings about Cyborg remain unchanged, by the way.

More cake having/eating.  This telling keeps Cyborg in the JLA's new initial adventure fighting Darkseid, but cleverly puts him in suspended animation afterwards,  keeping him out of the formal formation of the League with the Martian Manhunter after the battle against the Apellaxians and making him still young enough to be a Titan.  That is an impressive bit of legerdemain, accomplished with only one phrase.

Yes. I Ching and his contempt-filled relationship with pantsuit Diana Prince remains in continuity.  

Thank you for reasserting that Guy Gardner was a gym teacher. In Baltimore, by the way, which I suppose is where the ability to overcome great fear comes from.

I REALLY think we all could have done without Kobra, of which no one is fond and upon whom no significant continuity hinges.

Really? I had thought this was gone from continuity, as it certainly seems as though in current continuity Arthur and Mera just has their first child.  I would have to read more carefully, but perhaps this is something that DID happen, but then Unhappened due to Crisis, meaning Barry could still write about it knowingly, even though it has no longer happened.

Ambush Bug, who to my knowledge has zero fans (if he ever did) and zero importance to lore, REALLY should have just been left out of history.

ART FAIL.

I do not know who the lip-obsessed artist for this comic was.  But I DO know that the Phantom Stranger is not The Phantom and does NOT wear a mask.  His eye are simply shadowed by his hat. AND his eyes are not actually blank; they just APPEAR that way when he wears the hat, because he's the Phantom Stranger and doesn't have to make sense.

"Legends" was an under-remembered but great crossover (the one in which the Phantom Stranger keeps smack-talking Darkseid and Glorious Godfrey turns the common folk against superheroes).  I am glad to see it remembered here as well as its connection to the JLI.

I am touched to see this remembrance of a young Paul Kupperberg's X-men-like version of the Doom Patrol, including tentative hero Scott Fischer, who no one remembers was the first fatal victim of the Dominators' Gene Bomb, and Arani ("Celsius"), who claimed to be Niles Caulder's wife, and who sacrificed herself silently in battle when he returned and denied ever knowing her, which was one of the saddest and most mysterious plot resolutions I have ever seen.

Look, I know Barry Allen is a scientist, not a humanist, by trade. But I refuse to believe that Barry could write a sentence as clumsy as "Would that such deep tragedy limited itself to the stars, but no."  He's read too many comic books to write that poorly.

Wow. I'd almost forgotten The Ray.  So... where is he now?

I had forgotten that the Eradicator was the one who saved Superman.  It make sense; the Eradicator was focused on preserving Kryptonian stuff (including Kal-El). But I certainly didn't remember it.

Heh. "Slowly healed."  This is tacit acknowledgement that we can all forget about Bruce's love interest Shonda Kinsolving and her magical healing touch (which is what ACTUALLY happened).  I really think they just should have thrown  Wonder Woman's Purple Healing Ray into the mix; what are super friends for, after all?

Happy to see Static, of course, but... when are they going to take advantage of the opportunity to link him to Black Lightning?

Why are we not allowed to erase this? Other than complicating Lex's backstory (and making some powerful real-world allusions), it has zero impact on continuity and causes considerable headaches.  Like, does the Secret Service still protect ex-prez Lex?

Well, whatever else, Jean Loring is still crazy!

Another Home-Run for Lex

MLB will test robot umpires in 2026.

Naturally, Lex did it first.

DC Super-Stars #10 (1976)
"The Great Super-Star Game"

Forget Superman; Lex Luthor is the Man of Tomorrow.

The Greatest of them All

Many's the villain who has had a private name that turned out to be exceptionally fitted to their eventual villainous identity.

Rocky Grimes (who became, uh, Rocky Grimes) is a mild example, since the hook is just his first name (which is obviously just a nickname, anyway). 

Subtle as a brick Rocky had a way of really FORCING the connections to this theme.

Joe Coyne (who became the Penny Plunderer) is a bit stronger, being his last name.  

But, given another set of circumstances, Joe might have become, say, a coffee-themed villain, The Java Robber.

Edward ("E.)" Nigma is delightful because it just COULD be a normal name and doesn't seem odd unless you use the first initial.  Sadly, later writers would change "Nigma" to "Nygma", which I suppose they thought was more realistic because it was less on point.  At one point, one writer (Denny O'Neil) decided even that was too silly and posited that his REAL real name was "Eddie Nashton".

And god forbid Serious Writer Denny O'Neil do anything silly.

Julian Day (Calendar Man) is extremely on point, of course, but that name was a retcon. In his original appearance he HAD no "real name"; he was a magician named "the Maharajah"..

With a really strong dental plan.

Harley Quinn is an example similar to Calendar Man.  When she was first introduced (BTAS "Joker's Favor"), she was completed unnamed.  Only during a subsequent appearance was she given the codename "Harley Quinn". It was even later she was given a backstory (which definitely contradicted her first appearance, where she was a self-confessed beauty school drop-out, rather than a psychotherapist) and the birth name of "Harleen Quinzel" (because it is NOT easy to reverse engineer a name like "Harley Quinn").  I assume it was partly in honor of her original voice actor, Arleen Sorkin.

For a few precious years, Harley Quinn's first appearance was the most destructive thing that had ever happened on September 11.

But in yesterday's post, we caught a glimpse of the greatest of these characters, hands-down.  Oh, sure, everyone is quick to proffer "Roy G. Bivolo" as the greatest example of the prophetic name phenomenon.

His air of confidence helps.

But the real champion is this guy:

Richie Rich foe, Dr. N-R-Gee

Dr. N-R-Gee is ALSO probably the greatest objected-headed villain of all time, but that's obvious.  Now, you might think that his original identity was some name with the initials "NRG" because, well, I mean what ELSE would it be?

We found out differently when his origin story was finally told in Richie Rich Money World #16 (1972).

You may recall its dramatic cover on the spinner racks.

It involved an unfortunate accident with a electric head-scratcher.

Yes, Dr. R-N-Gee did this scene BEFORE Jack Nicholson's Joker.

Before he became an object-headed supervillain, Dr. R-N-Gee was a brilliant engineer named

PHIL LAMENT.

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, has been, is, and will always be the ultimate prophetic villain name.

The Green Arrow Blacklist

Having listed yesterday what I consider some prime candidates for re-entry into Green Arrow's rogues gallery, I want to balance it with a list of villains who should NOT be brought back.

1. The Cat

Really? "Look, a mouse?"  smh.  Be better, Golden Age.

Look, Bull's-Eye vis-à-vis the Joker is one thing. But a female villain in a dark cat costume, named "The Cat"? No; absolutely not.

2.  The Question Mark

Despite his name, the villain wasn't ACTUALLY Riddler-like at all. 

He's colorblind and has weak ankles; he is remarkably unimpressive. 
Even for a Green Arrow villain.

But the name is still a disqualifier.  Even if he weren't a feeb hiding out among the staff at a Green Arrow -themed hotel.

3.  The Skylark

The Skylark was actually a villain who appeared more than once, which argues strongly for updating him.  But...

This may seem odd to say about a supervillain, but...
this guy is weird.

A bird-themed villain with a prophetic given name? Urk.  If we "approve" him (or these others), Green Arrow's Rogues Gallery starts to look like Bob Kane and Al Brodax developed them.

We all remember Cool McCool,  don't we?

You COULD argue the opposite. That these villains seeming like Batman villain knock-offs could work in their FAVOR. You could lean into it and have them be conscious imitators of the Gotham originals; it would make them a deliciously painful embarrassment for Ollie, who is sensitive about being a Batman knockoff.

4.  The Wind

Now, at first glance, you'd think I would be 100% behind The Wind (World's Finest #38.)

Nothing says "confidence" like wearing a weathervane on your head.

He looks like a Doom Patrol villain.  But he's barely a villain at all. He's just an arrow-obsessed zillionaire who fakes being a villain so he can *sigh* add Green Arrow's arrows to his collection.

"It is also the ONLY collection of arrows in the world, because arrow-collecting is NOT a thing."

I'm SURE he could have just hired Bull's-Eye to get him some.  Yer a poseur, Wind.  And you could tell his heart wasn't really in it.

How do you FAIL to say
"Run like The Wind!"
under these circumstances?
smh again.

5. Homer Lampe

Really, what else would you expect?

Homer Lampe was a scientist of the "They laughed at me and my inventions! Well, I'll show THEM!" type.

This is what the world was like before GoFundMe.

Naturally, he turns his inventions to crime.

Specifically, pickpocketing facilitated by hypnotic lights.
Crime was a LOT easier where people still had CASH.

Okay, points for the appropriately villainous use of "Confound!", but this guy is no Dr. Light.

What on earth are you going to do with a mink scarf?  Take it to a consignment shop?

He takes no codename (then again, where can you go from "Mr. Lampe"?).  He devises no costume.

Even though he definitely had some easy options.

Then once he's caught, he goes all GOODY-GOOD just because someone shows him some RESPECT.

BAH! Confound you, Green Arrow, and Star City's advanced techniques of penology.

What good is a someone who becomes a villain to gain respect then becomes a not-villain when he gains it?  

6. St Louis Louie

Oh, you remember him; he's the guy who took on the three lieutenant Arrows (Fat Arrow, Tall Arrow, and Hillbilly Arrow).

He also looks DISTURBINGLY like Ally Babble.

Time has been kind to the Batman mythos.
VERY kind.

This is the pinnacle of St. Louis Louie's career and always will be:

He's the man who almost killed Green Arrow by bouncing an empty revolve off his empty skull.

Any additional appearances or attempts to revitalize him would pale in comparison to that one perfect moment.

7. Greenface

Exists there a sadder excuse for a villain than Greenface?

He looks like the Composite Humphrey Bogart / Don Knotts.

His origin is so absurd -- some industrial dye blew up in his face, permanently discoloring it-- that they refused to depict it on-panel.

Any villain whose origin is THAT stupid is clearly marked as Z-grade, permanently.

He talks like a thug, droppin' his Gs and talkin' 'bout Dis and Dat.  The Joker may have the same stupid origin, but the Joker wouldn't hire someone that inarticulate even as a disposable goon.

Even Rocky Grimes was more eloquent.

His only shown crime is making off with some gold leaf his gang managed to SCRAPE off the walls of a museum.

Pathetic.  Might as well fish coins out of a public fountain or mug a pencil-selling blind man.

Which he then has to waste on some pipe-dream of getting in the Criminal Hall of Fame by killing Green Arrow.

"Corny" isn't the word I'd use, Greenface.  I see why they gave you a green face;
it's the only way to tell you apart from your own goons.

Even Greenface's delusions of grandeur are pathetic ones:

I think this would even sadden Killer Moth, and HE's got an EMPTY Hall of Trophies.

Face it, Greenface; you'll never reach the exalted status of someone like The Flag:

It's actually rather sad that there is only ONE Green Arrow villain in the Criminal Hall of Fame.  No justice for St. Louis Louie!

And then, like an ultimate putz, you STAB YOURSELF in the process of fleeing from Green Arrow.

Where is Rocky Grimes when we need him?

Then it manages to get WORSE.

I mean, REALLY, though. What kind of Z-grade imbecile stabs HIMSELF nearly-fatally while trying to get away from the good guy?

Because the Greenface does an Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge bit (*sigh* or The Squid, if you are not well enough read) and imagines himself framing Green Arrow for his murder, leading to his triumphant ghost exulting at his inclusion in the Criminal Hall of Fame.

I wish he had died, because the GHOST of Greenface might be a viable character.

Goober that he is, he couldn't even die properly.  

You just know they waited there HOURS for him to wake up, simply so that they could rub it in.  The archers are petty people, with a lot of time on their be-gloved hands.

What kind of idiot can't even die right?