Octopus Week #3: What's the Difference?

When we last left Al Michaels, now known (at least to himself) as The Octopus, leader of the not-particularly-dreaded Octopus Gang, he had let his pet Octavus choose their next crime by means of the famous Octo-Alphabet Board.

"What's the difference?" is pretty much the motto of the Green Arrow Creative Team.

An eight-themed crime?  At an ice rink?  

Why, I can't figure that at all!  I simply can't see any possible connection that would link ice skating with eights.  Can you, kids at home?

In case you didn't know it, ice shows are just oozing with Fabulous Gems (tm).

The list of Star City celebrities includes: 

that Couple Batman Rescued from a Mugger When They Visited Gotham City, 

the Sailor Who Saw Aquaman Once from a Distance, 

Kay Daye's second cousin, and 

that trampy gal who once slept with Basil Karlo.

A figure... EIGHT?! Oh my god, everyone, look out...!

 

Okay, now I've seen everything.  Apparently, the Octopus's "preparations" involved inventing, in one afternoon, remote-controlled micro-heat coils, complete with power source, strong enough to melt ice that's thick enough to have an ice show on, and then somehow building them into the skates of the one skater you have somehow identified as the one who's going to skate a figure eight that night.  

Michaels! Ditch the half-assed thematic criminal career and send an application in to DARPA.  Do you have any idea how much damage we could do with that kind of techno-tactical talent during our next war with Norway?  I bet they'd even let you wear your costume; that's what warrant commissions  are for.

Not pictured below: hilarious falling through the floor by the skater.  "I thought you said you were going to scare the Ice Princess?" "She looked pretty scared to me!"

"Abruptly"?  How 'abruptly' can eight guys in suits and hats craw out of a hole in the ice?

Did you know that the ice at an ice show isn't on a floor?  It's a big sheet of ice hanging over, say, a tunnel or crawlspace or something?  You learn something new every day in Star City, folks.

Another thing I learned: the Celebrities of Star City are total morons who think armed men with hats are part of the show.  What do you think this is, "The Untouchables On Ice"?

"These Halloween costume Bizarro-hands will hide our fingerprints!"

"Haw! Yer a genius, boss!'

Unfortunately for the Octopus Gang, among the moronic Star City celebrities in attendance is Oliver Queen and His Pet Kid from the Reservation... AND their boomerang arrow.

I can just picture the GA Creative Team breakfast meeting in 1953 where they came up with this, all wearing their Mad Men outfits, holding cigarettes and martinis.

• "So then GA shows up, but the gang has a head start and gets away."
• "But then GA will look ineffectual!"
• "Can't have a guy who fights crime with a bow and arrow look ineffectual."
• "Amen."
• "Alright, alright, but he can't capture them or the story's over six pages two soon."
• "Not if you ask me." 
• "We'd didn't, Murray, so shut up."
• "Well, they get away but GA gets the loot."
• "Yeah? How?"
• " .... .... ...."
• "*snap* Got it! Boomerang arrow! I'm a genius!"
• "Dumbest damned--"
• "Jesus Chri--"
• "I can't draw that!'
• "No, it's okay, we'll cover it with a word balloon."
• "Look, boys, I got a hot number waiting for a nooner at the Hilton..."
• "Boomerang arrow it is.  Breaktime!"

I'm just being silly, of course.  We all know that, even if "GA Creative Team" weren't an oxymoron, they certainly never had meetings.

"Damn! Can't stop to shoot Green Arrow and get the jewels back; 

gotta have these masks back to the Beagle Boys by ten o'clock!"

What's this, you ask, my criminal friend?  It's a total defiance of physics, let alone the very concept of "arrow", as in "straight as an arrow",  "the arrow of time", "I shot an arrow into the air", etc.  No wonder the crooks are surprised.

 

"I SAID I CAN'T DRAW THAT!"

"They''ll never catch us in this 30-year-old Studebaker!  They're on foot!"

"Haw! Yer a genius, boss!"

"Gosh, GA! If only we had some way of piercing their tires from a distance!"

"Yes, Roy, it's a pity.  We'll work on coming up with something back at the Arrowcave, right after we're done perfecting the hoola-hoop arrow."

Well, they flopped in this round's robbery, but at least they put on a good show.  Hey, audience,  should the gang give up this no-profit life of crime and become improvisational comedians or performance artists? Or should they ...

RETURN TO THE OCTO-ALPHABET BOARD!

Octopus Week #2: Octo-Improv Comedy

Al 'Slippery' Michaels' decision to heed the omens and re-style himself as the 8-themed villain 'The Octopus' is an ingenious move, one that will surely inspire excitement and loyalty in his men.

 You can tell criminals don't go to a lot of costume balls.  I mean, who wears purple hose, a tee shirt with an octopus transfer, and a tentacle hat to a costume ball?  Lady Gaga? 

Or perhaps just derision.  Note the guy on the right of panel, who's about two seconds away from bolting toward the door: "Jeez, If I wanted to deal with this kind of crap I woulda stayed in Gotham!"

Okay, so the boss wants to dress funny around the house.  No harm in that, particularly when we fight a guy dressed like Robin Hood.  I mean, it's not like he's really going to overboard with the--

 

HOLY CRAP THERE'S A GIANT OCTOPUS IN OUR LIVING ROOM AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

I've made fun of how obviously low-rent Al Michaels is, but I must confess I'm starting to be impressed.  Just a few days out of prison and he's already:

(1) experienced a transformative enlightenment into thematic supervillainy;

(2) had his mom sew up one of the most, um, memorable costumes in comic book history;

(3)  installed an enormous salt water aquarium sunken into his living room floor (which is NOT easy, let me tell you); and

(4) purchased a giant octopus.

Do you know what it costs to buy a live giant octopus?  Do you know how hard they are to find and have delivered?  I spent the better part of yesterday trying to figure that out, and neither Google Shopping or eBay could help.  And Michaels is pre-internet.  Really, it's quite impressive.

Well, so, the boss has gone a little... eccentric.  I mean, it's not like he's really going to let that influence his criminal decision making.

Um. Um. Um.  What?

Okay, yeah, that's what I thought you said.  

Michaels, I mean, "The Octopus" has gone fully around the bend and is running his gang by celaphodic divination like some sort of criminal improv show. "Hello, everyone! I'm your host Al 'Slippery' Michaels, and welcome to WHO'S CRIME IS IT, ANYWAY? ! Let's take a look at the octo-alphabet board, shall we...?"  Cluemaster must be SO jealous right now.

 So, how does this M.O. work in practice?

"Hey, boss; Harvey Dent just tweeted about you.  

He says 'michaels wtf you sicko get therapy now not l8ter ha ha #arkhamwannabes'.  

You want I should write him back...?"

What's the difference, indeed?  I think the most charming thing about the Octo-Alphabet Board Game is its arbitrary nature. Unless Michaels really is the greatest criminal improv genius of all time, you know damned well he's already got the Ice Show gig pre-planned.  Like a good gameshow host ready to segue from any contestant small talk into the next round, Michaels has probably already figured out a way to interpret any letter chosen as representing the crime he wants to pull.  "X? Of course! There is an... Xcellent ice show at the arena tonight! Thank you, Octavus!"  "Boss, there's actually a xylophone concert tonight at the--" "I said THANK YOU OCTAVUS; now let's go!"

Try not to think about the fact that the naive assumption underlying the Octo-Alphabet Board Game is that Octavus will ONLY TOUCH ONE LETTER.  Octavus has eight tentacles; that is, after all, the very point of having him.  I'd love to see Michaels' face if Octavus went full-bore at the board with each tentacle.  "AFGHRSTU?  Uh... there's a ... an Afghan restaurant on U Street that---oh, fudge it, we're robbing the damned Ice Show, okay?!?!"

Octopus Week #1: Behind the Eight Ball

Oh, it all starts simply enough: nine guys break out of jail after hitting a guard over the head.

Star City: where life is simpler.

When Ollie Queen and his Young Ward Roy Harper hear that a bunch of desperate criminals are coming out of prison, they do exactly what I would do:  start stripping and dash to the prison.

You're a man after my own heart, Ollie.  
Or the hearts of nine desperate and lonely prisoners.

Green Arrow discovers the breakout is the work of Al 'Slippery' Michaels "one of the biggest crooks I ever sent up." 

Note that this is in November 1953.  By 1953, Batman has defeated and captured the Joker, the Penguin, Two-Face, the Riddler, the Scarecrow, Clayface, Hugo Strange, Deadshot, Firefly, Killer Moth, the Mad Hatter, the Cavalier, Crazy Quilt, the Crime Doctor, and the Gorilla Boss of Gotham. 

During that time, one of Green Arrow's biggest collars was Slippery Michaels, some guy with an eight-ball in his sock. 

No wonder there's no 'Hall of Trophies' in the Arrowcave. 

"Will I ever have as many trophies as Batman does?"

"MY REPLY IS NO."

But unprepossessing Mr. Michaels is on a slippery slope toward crazy Gotham-style supervillainy.   Why?  Because criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot, that's why.  You see, he made his little escape with his eight pals on August 8,  and, well, as he puts it:

Well, you can't fight fate!  So he decides then and there to do the logical thing.  He must be a creature of the eight, purple, terrible...a...a...

an octopus! That's it! He shall become an octopus!

If this were a Marvel character, he'd have already had at least three different Heroclix figures made of him, not including the "Hulktopus" version.

As hilarious as the 'tee-shirt with gym trunks over hosiery' look is, it's the hat that puts the Octopus's outfit beyond "pants-wettingly funny" into "pants-shittingly funny".  I shouldn't laugh, really; I sure it took his mother hours to make.

I wonder how Michaels'--er, the Octopus's new outfit will go over with his gang...

Octopus Week #0: Better Than Heroin

I left on a trip yesterday (the boys and I ...

are doing a concert tour in China; yes, really).  But while I'm behind the Great Firewall, I didn't want to leave you with nothing to read, so I wracked my brain for something to write about that would close off August (the eighth month) here at the Absorbascon.  I just couldn't get my arms around the problem; I felt like a real sucker.  

But then reader Dale lent me a hand by sending me a story that combines two of our favorite subjects here at the Absorbascon. Specifically:

The stupidity of Green Arrow...

  "Maybe I can do something with the boomerang arrow!" 

Like what, Ollie?  Hit yourself in the face?

... and sweet sweet octopus love, baby:

  You know, you'd think after a childhood spent like this, heroin would be rather a let-down.

Are you ready for....?

 

P.S. Trust me; you're not.

Things That Made Me Happy...

... in my comics this week.

• Actually, the kiss kind of makes sense.  I'm okay with it.  But it will, of course, never work out between them.
• Now the Flash is almost as fast as it used to be slow.
• Well, that's the most interesting Black Mask has ever been.  Although certainly not the most comprehensible.
• I'm looking forward to seeing David make it up to Hartley. Yeah, I'd rent that.
• Wow, Dr Elias is pretty much Luthor without, you know, conscience.
• A-a-a-and there's the wind up for Justice League of America...
• After what feels like ten years of trying,  Geoff Johns finally make me like Hal Jordan, and in only two pages.
• See? I told you Aquaman should lead the Justice League.
• I now need more than two hands to count the number of times I've seen Aquaman make the "I'm going to kill Black Manta" speech. I'm thinking of turning them into a collage.
• Power Internalization!  Smart move, a logical development, and efficiently handled, Mr Manapul!
• "And don't call me Monkey!"
• Okay, Mera lied to Aquaman for years about who she really was, so I thinks it's quite fine that he never told her about his old war buddies.
• Wait, did I just see Titano poop out a piece of red K in downtown Metropolis?
• The Rogues' second rule.  Nice repudiation by Manapul of a bad misstep by Johns.
• Lois fixing Clark's hair.  She totally knows.  She just doesn't care.

 

Vibe in the Justice League of America

As Absorbascommenter Kevin Trudeau kindly pointed out in my previous post, the inevitable has, indeed, come to pass.

I speak, of course, of the Inevitable Return of Vibe (as I have spoken of before).

Vibe is part of the re-branding of the Justice League.  More accurately, the diversification of the JL brand.  There are a lot of comic book supergroups, but none has the power and Q rating of the Justice League, which ushered in the return of superheroes as a genre in the comic book medium, forged the Silver and Bronze Ages, and inspired the creation of the Marvel superhero line.  In 1980s, DC experiment with the brand, diversifying with the Justice League International, Justice League Europe, television's Justice League Unlimited, and more regrettable experiments like Extreme Justice, Justice League Elite, and Justice League Antarctica. 

The original Silver Age Justice League of America was, of course, an experiment to begin with. Let's put all our most popular heroes in one book and see what happens.  It was (as I have said 100 times) the opposite of the editorial philosophy behind the Justice Society of America (which was, "let's put all our heroes together who CAN'T sustain titles on their own, have them operate in coordinated solo missions, and see if we can generate a breakout character). The experiment succeeded.

The next level of experimentation came with the Bronze Age Justice League of America, which widened membership beyond the traditional Seven Icons (sacrificing also-ran Martian Manhunter in the process) and introduced some occasional internal conflict in the formerly oh-so-chummy group. On the whole, that experiment succeeded and many readers still remember the Satellite Era fondly.

The next experiment, meant to modernize the Justice League when its icons were deemed to have grown musty, was the Detroit-based Justice League.  That experiment, it is fair to say, did not succeed.

Further evidence not required.

Vibe, as a character, certainly had some flaws-- he was just a bit too brash, too irascible, too obviously a cultural reach-out.  In short, he was a tad too "Marvel'.  That's what DC had been going for and what they thought their readers wanted; a Marvel-style group of troubled misfits on a Marvel-style group with lots of internal conflict.   It's a valid editorial direction, sure...but it's not "the Justice League", and the readers rejected it rather strongly.   DC tried to recover, but big ships turn slowly.  By the time they started guest-starring the 'real' Leaguers to keep the boat afloat it had already run aground, and the Detroiters were done for. 

Again, Vibe had his flaws, but his biggest sin was being part and parcel of the failed Detroit League.  Of the three characters created specifically for the Detroit League, only one survived, no doubt by turning invisiblish and running away on her nearly-invulnerable feet.

Yet, as the linked article shows, Vibe will retain many of his core elements.  The vibration power.  The Detroit.  The "Low-rent" hero, um, vibe.  The connection with his brother.

But there are subtle changes calculated to make Vibe more viable.  Old Vibe was held back by his elder brother.  New Vibe is encouraged by him.  Old Vibe was over-confident and disrespectful; new Vibe is
more understated (as is his outfit).

I have high hopes for New Vibe.  Is he the brave and bold stroke he was in the Detroit League?

No.  But then again... this isn't the '80s.

Hall of Justice

The latest Heroclix output from Wizkids is the wonderful "Justice League 52" set.

The figures are dynamic looking.

The traditional super-uppercut.  Think about; it's amazing how often Superman does that.  

The dials are excellent.

Once day, they'll just make a dial that says, "Batman can do whatever you need him to. And then he can sic trained bats on an opponent, as a free action."

The special powers are very evocative of the characters.

Keep 'em flying, Hawkman.  Woof!

Heck, even they even managed to make a low-point Hal Jordan who's accurate, effective, but still an idiot:

In case you're wondering, figures who can take advantage of Hal's weakness toward yellow include Star Sapphire, Blue Beetle, Firestorm, Guy Gardner, the Composite Superman, Kyle Rayner, Mera, Saint Walker, the Martian Manhunter, Indigo-1, Brainiac, Larfleeze, Gypsy, Scar,  Dr. Mid-nite, John Stewart, Sgt Rock. Ganthet, Wonder Woman, Sinestro, Shazam, Amon Sur, The Penguin, Lyssa Drak, the Phantom Stranger, Power Ring, Jakeem Thunder, Yellow Lantern, Ch'p, Ambush Bug, Bruce Wayne, Zatanna, Alfred Pennyworth, Superman, Commissioner Gordon, Rachael freakin' Dawes, and Stan Lee.  This is now the only Hal Jordan figure I will play.

And in an even greater surprise, the new MAPS are good!  One is Paradise Island with the ocean running along its outside (Mera loves this) and the other is a very innovative Gotham Rooftop map (where I currently have Detective John Blake trying to help the Justice League defeat the Manhunter Grandmaster and his robotic minions).

To celebrate all the glories of the new Justice League Heroclix set, I have made a game map of the one JL-related location I have never dared to before:

THE SUPER-FRIENDS' HALL OF JUSTICE

The Hall of Justice is a pretty simple space.  I mean other than the highly recognizable pill-box table and "the Troubalert" video screen, the Super-Friends didn't really have lots of furniture and knickknacks. It's not "The Living Room of Justice"; it's a HALL, people.

The outside of the building is, of course, ridiculously iconic, and I did my best to represent it, given the awkwardness of an aerial view.  Tactically, there's a little hindering terrain for Batman to hide in, some water terrain for Aquaman to splash in, and lots of open area for Wonder Woman and Superman to charge around in.  But strategically it's all about the small entryway in the Hall of Justice's impregnable front wall. 

Ordinarily, walls and blocking terrain can be destroyed by anyone who can do 3 clicks of damage.  But I have given the Hall of Justice a trait that makes its hide nearly impenetrable.  It has the Heroclix Impervious power, reserved for super-tough characters like Superman.  Any damage done to it is reduced by two clicks, and when attacked it gets a "it tickles" roll; if it rolls 5 or 6 it takes no damage at all.  Plus, it has the Mystic ability, meaning that anyone who does manage to destroy one of its many squares takes an unavoidable and irreducible click of backlash damage.  In short, it ain't supposed to be easy to break into the Hall of Justice and it's probably more trouble than it's worth.  This will make control of that iconic entryway all the more important.

Many of the maps I design I never actually get printed for myself. But this one is too much fun to pass up, and I'm sure to get one so I can pit the Justice League against the Legion of Doom.  Or just to watch the Penguin slap Hal Jordan around like his bitch.

Shopping with the Shield 5: Check out time!

After saving the folks on the elevator (who were kind of asking for it, really; I mean, the elevator didn't even have an operator, for pete's sake). the Shield captures the racketeers in the store using one of his more amazing powers: tactile-escalator-reversing-telekinesis!

Your guess is as good as mine just what the Shield is actually doing here.  I prefer to imagine him using some sort of magnetic crotch power.

Once the so-called racketeers are corralled, the Shield goes to confront the REAL villain, whom he has deduced, from absolutely no evidence whatsoever, is Store President Stacey!

I can't believe I voted for that guy.

The Shield crushes Stacey with the overwhelming weight of his word balloons, using another one of his amazing powers, super-exposition.

"Wait, you're saying I had people KILLED in my store to lower business, rather than just, say, hiring surly staff or unsellable merchandise? That's ludicrous!"

"Oh my god, I'll confess to anything if you just STOP TALKING!"

But the Store President Stacey's knows the Shield's secret weakness:

HIDDEN BUTTONS.

The Shield never sees that coming. Even though it happens almost every issue.  Like any store president worth his salt, Stacey has a safe-room wall and a getaway plane just waiting at his disposal.

Gotta love the fact that the Shield leaves a Shield-shaped hole in every wall when he bursts through it, just like Roger Rabbit.

But Store President's getaway plane is no match for the Shields' pointy-toes of justice!

You know, maybe the Shield wasn't lying to Betty about liking women's shoes.  Just a thought.

The Shield really loves stopping planes.

And once it's all said and done and the bad guys turned over to the authorities, the Shield & Co. are rewarded with the most exciting thing one could hope for...

ANOTHER trip to Stacey's! 

Shopping with the Shield 4: The Shield gets the shaft!

Well, I made fun of Betty for sticking her leg out the back window of her kidnappers' vehicle yesterday, but it turns out a dropped shoe was all the clue the Shield needed to track her down to the racketeers' hideout,  where he immediately indulges in some of his favorites schticks, including

bursting through walls, being set on fire, and, wait for it...

being strapped down on the Table of Pain and Pleasure.

Really?  Will these villains never learn?

It actually not a bad trap, which takes advantage of the fact that although the Shield is nearly invulnerable, his friends are not.  

'Um... I didn't actually know where you were.  I just really like women's shoes and found this nice one and needed to find a match for it and, oh, I bet they have one at Stacey's; gotta go!'  Smooth, Shield, really smooth.

Of course, the Shield arrives just at Stacey's JUST in time to prevent another horrible tragedy.

Stacey's is known, of course, for its famous open elevators shafts with windows to the outside of the building.  Really, just exactly how all this is happening is anyone's guess.