Things That Made Me Happy...

in comics this week.

• FINALLY, someone told Pariah to stop talking like Marv Wolfman.
• Giant flying pockwatches. Complete with fob.
• I got to wear 3D goggles while reading a comic. I only wish I had gone out to restaurant to do it as publicly as possible.
• Supergirl's headband.
• I never thought I'd see anyone quote Seanbaby's Hostess page in a comic book.
• "I'm already retconning our whole thing." Priceless.
• You know, if Millenium Giants had only been one issue the first time, it probably would have been okay.
• Exposing the intrinsic creepiness of circus peanuts.
• Of course Ollie had the hots for Dinah's mother.
• Jonah Hex scalping someone. Who was dead already. Probably.
• Mon-El made me cry.
• Sword of the All-New Atom? Brilliant.
• Only Bart Allen would guest-star at his own funeral.
• "With friends like these, who needs enemies?" That is the best encapsulation of Silver Age Superman I have ever heard; bravo.
• Jonah Hex cleans up a saloon. Jonah would make a bad janitor but a great video games.
• Black Canary versus the League of Elvis Impersonators.
• Don't you think Wonder Girl could use a little time-out? Like, in therapy? Arkham, maybe?
  
• Say what you want about the Joker; he is a good showman.
• Apparently you don't have to be anatomically correct to be the dean of a major university.
• Ryan Choi looks really hot in that outfit; Ariel, do you know how to sew?

A DC Challenge

You--my friends!


I defy you to make sense of this panel.

Happy Fourth of Jean Loring

Today I post simply to thank reader Randy Sims for his generosity in sending me all three of the Sword-of-the-Atom Specials (1984, 1985, and 1988), and another comic too uproarious to be mentioned. Poor Devon made the mistake of reading the unmentioned issue before I could warn him, and had to be assisted to the couch for the administration of oxygen and palliative compounds.

Know, Randy, that you will see the results of your generosity. Not immediately, perhaps, but inevitably.

For now, I simply give you all the comforting thought that somehow, sometime, whether because you've done something wrong -- or perhaps something right -- or perhaps for no reason at all...

Jean Loring might come...









for you.

The Last Encore

Sigh.

I wasn't going to do this, because it seemed too obvious and because I was sure it was going to be beaten to death on every forum in existence. But I've been asked to do it anyway.

Please note, if you have not already, that the new teaser image of bad guys from Countdown is visual reference to "The Last Supper" of Leonardo DaVinci .


And, yes, I know that's a picture of a copy of the DaVinci and not the original; this is an exegesis, people, not a restoration class. The poses aren't exact, of course, but the reference is still pretty clear. I'm not sure whether that's pure genius or just pure kitsch, but I am sure it's rather ballsy.

Granny Goodness, Mary Marvel, and Eclipso replace Bartholomew, James the Lesser, and Andrew. Leonardo's trio seem to express surprise; DC's trio seem to express exultation or delight. Amusingly, Goodness's outfit is the same color scheme as Bartholomew's.

J'onn J'onnz, the Joker, and Catwoman replace Judas, Peter, and John. J'onnz as Judas the Betrayer is clever. Many will assume that it means JJ has betrayed the heroes and become a bad guy. I assume the opposite; in the context of the composition, at least, this suggests that JJ will betrayed Luthor and the other bad guys. Like Goodness, his blue and green outfit mimics that of his counterpart disciple. Some liberties have been taken with the arrangement of people and things in this trio (the Joker, for example, is the one doing Judas's whispering in John's ear routine), but it's close enough for government work and I still think J'onn, not Joker, is intended to represent Judas here. Of course, it works the other way, too. One can easily imagine the Joker betraying anybody. Catwoman (Holly, I assume) stands for John, the youngest of the apostles.

Lex Luthor is Jesus. There's a sentence I never expected to write. Luthor, being more of a drama queen than Jesus, is pulling a Jolson ("Lexor! How I love ya, how I love ya, my dear old Lexor!'). His outstretched blood-covered hands (whatever their more literal meaning in the story) probably mean to evoke stigmata, further cementing the "Savior of Humanity" between the two.

The Crabby Supermen replace Thomas, James the Greater, and Phillip. Like them, they seem kind of upset and focused on the center figure (Luthor/Jesus).

The Trickster, Desaad, and The Penguin replace Matthew, Jude, and Simon. The Trickster looks to the Penguin for explanation and guidance. Truly, don't we all?

The objects you should all recognize with the exception of Jean Loring's Hatbox of Evil at Eclipso's feet (oh, and the skis belong to the Black Racer). Beside the Hatbox of Evil is what I assume is the Crime Bible. Forgotten about that, hadn't you?

That's enough from me, though. Discuss.

JLA set; My guesses

Now that we've got that pesky Avengers set out of the way, we can all concentrate fully on Wizkids forthcoming "Justice League" expansion set for DC Heroclix!

Based on what I know, what follows are my guesses as to what will be in the set. Naturally, I'm sure I'll be spectacularly wrong (I mean, Bronze Tiger would simply never occur to me), but that doesn't stop me from having fun guessing.

1. Bronze Tiger
2. Robin (in his new costume)
3. Connor Hawke (Green Arrow II)
4. Aquafake, Bored of Atlantis
5. Deadman
6. Classic Flash (Barry Allen)
7. Guy Gardner
8. Batman ("Aparo" version)
9. Zatanna (Headmistress of Hotath costume)
10. Lobo
11. Superman
    
12. Tharok (for the Fatal Five)
13. Captain Boomerang (for the Suicide Squad)
14. Brainiac 5 (for the Legion)
15. Dream Girl (for the Legion)
16. Power Ring (for the Crime Syndicate)
17. Batwoman (for the Batman Family)
18. the Penguin (for the Batman Enemies)
19. Brainiac, Silver Age (for the Superman Enemies)
20. Black Manta (Injustice League)
    
21. Crimson Fox
22. Prof. Ivo
23. Amazo
24. T.O.Morro
25. Tomorrow Woman
    
26. Dr. Destiny
27. Kanjar Ro
    
28. Classic Aquaman
29. Classic Green Arrow
30. Classic Green Lantern Hal Jordan
31. Jay Garrick
32. Mento or Niles Caulder
33. Captain Marvel Jr
34. Black Condor
35. Uncle Sam
    
36. Vibe
37. Gypsy
38. Per Degaton
39. Toyman
40. Granny Goodness
41. Classic Trickster
42. Pied Piper
43. Star Sapphire
44. Dr. Polaris
45. Dr. Light 2
    
46. Lightray
47. Bloodwynd
    
48. Firehawk
49. Wonder Woman 1,000,000
50. Golden Eagle
51. Rag Doll
52. Silver Banshee
53. Batman & Robin
54. Amazing Man
55. Gang of thugs
56. Nightwing
57. Grace Choi
58. Huntress
    
59. ?????
60. ???????!
    

Special figures confirmed Tournament LE: Starro Starro Controlled Flash
Starro Controlled Green Arrow
Starro Controlled Green Lantern
Starro Controlled Aquaman

Confirmed Mail-away Figure: The Phantom Stranger (as previously discussed)

1. Bronze Tiger
2. Robin (in his new costume)
3. Connor Hawke (Green Arrow II)
4. Aquafake, Bored of Atlantis
5. Deadman
6. Classic Flash (Barry Allen)
7. Guy Gardner
8. Batman ("Aparo" version)
9. Zatanna (Headmistress of Hotath costume)
10. Lobo
11. Superman

1-11. These aren't guesses at all. We know for a fact that these characters will be in the set, because we have either seen the sculpts in advertisements, seen the characters on the box art, or been specifically told by Wizkids they are in the set. You'll notice there's lots of JLA love in these eleven!

I've seen the Zatanna sculpt, by the way, and, unfortunately, its ass is not on fire. Which is a pity, because it would have been a good use of translucent plastic.

12. Tharok (for the Fatal Five)
13. Captain Boomerang (for the Suicide Squad)
14. Brainiac 5 (for the Legion)
15. Dream Girl (for the Legion)
16. Power Ring (for the Crime Syndicate)

12-16. These characters are near shoe-ins, because they fill in or complete existing theme teams. Tharok is the last of the Fatal Five, and with the new Legion starter out, is a lock. Classic Captain Boomerang is a little shakier, but he's the essential piece missing from the Suicide Squad and is needed for a Classic Central City Rogues team (which is important, since there's finally a Barry Allen Flash in this set).

The Legion will surely gets its usual two members per set. Dream Girl is a good bet because (1) she looks cool (2) she's a female figure (3) she'd bring Probability Control to Legion teams. Besidesm she pairs perfectly with Brainiac 5, who, like her, would be hard to hit (due to his force shield belt) and has 'distance powers' (e.g., Outwit and Perplex). A B5 figure came out in a previous set, but he's not quite up to snuff with the new Legionnaires. His Q rating is darned high; you can have a Legion without Quislet or Quantum Kid, but not without Brainiac 5; expect a remake. And, for those of you about to type

"But surely Starboy or the other Legionnaires from the Lightning Saga will be in the set instead!",

save it; the lead time on making Heroclix sets is too long to have yet been influenced by the Lightning Saga.

Power Ring, like Tharok, is the last member of his evil team (the Crime Syndicate) so he's a shoe-in, too.

17. Batwoman (for the Batman Family)
18. the Penguin (for the Batman Enemies)
19. Brainiac, Silver Age (for the Superman Enemies)
20. Black Manta (Injustice League)

17-20. These characters are additions to an existing Team Ability (most of the main Team Abilities get at least one new character per set, and with 60 characters now in each set rather than 48, it's more likely than ever to be a goal). The guesses here are a lot dicier than than 1-16.

Batwoman's got several things in her favorite: (1) Batman Team Ability, which is always popular. For pity's sake, they made Spoiler. (2) Wizkids always needs female figures to help balance the set. (3) She was riding quite high about the time this set would have been planned.

We might a more obscure Batvillian like Killer Moth or Firefly, but my money's still on the Penguin. The Penguin's been made before, but he was notoriously unusable even at the time he was released. Factors in his favor; very high Q rating; previous sculpt was wrong (white suit); previous dial was unusable; Wizkids new dial designers have a much better handle on how to represent characters like the Penguin; and the Penguin (who has actually fought the JLA and the SuperFriends) makes much more sense in a JLA set then Killer Moth or Firefly. [Yes, Dale; I know that Killer Moth appeared in JLA #35....]

Similar logic applies to Brainiac. The Superman Enemies always need help. Besides, we've had Brainiac13 and the Terminator-Brainiac foisted on us in two previous sets; we deserve the Silver Age Brainiac everyone will recognize.

Black Manta? Well, yes, there are other Aquafoes to make, but here the "Penguin Logic" applies again. All the factors in Penguin's favor (except sculpt; the original Manta sculpt is fine) augur well for Manta as well. Besides, he could add to the figure with the Injustice League ability (look for an alternate Team Ability for IL figures, too; it's current definition is so unwieldy I don't think I've ever seen it used in play).

21. Crimson Fox
22. Prof. Ivo
23. Amazo
24. T.O. Morrow
25. Tomorrow Woman
26. Dr. Destiny
27. Kanjar Ro

21- 27. Well, it is a JLA themed set, after all! Wizkids has said, "all eras and versions of the Justice League" will be represented and nothing says "JLE" like ze Crimson Fox. I'm anxious to see how perfume is represented on her dial.

Prof. Ivo might not be that big on offense, but, since he's an invulnerable mad scientist, he could be a really annoying support piece. Imagine him with Imperviousness and Outwit down the dial!

Wizkids would be fools to pass on the opportunity to remake Ivo's creation, Amazo, for the JLA set, now that they have "special powers" at their disposal. Count on him, with some crazy power for copying the powers of other figures within his sight and range.

The original T.O. Morrow figure is still a lot of bang for the buck, but a new version with Probability Control is in order. And while I personally think "Tomorrow Woman" is embarrassingly ludicrous, she was popular in the way that All Things Morrison seem to be. Besides, she would bring telekinesis and pulse wave to the JLA table.

Dr. Destiny looks cool and is a quintessential JLA villain. And wicked, if he's got some special version of Mind Control that lets him control powerful figures without taking damage. Likewise Kanjar Ro. Okay, fine, Kanjar Ro doesn't look cool. In fact, he looks like a chinless stoolie you'd slap around at bar on Rimbor. But give him a big Gamma Gong with triple incapacitate and he's a serious problem.

28. Classic Aquaman
29. Classic Green Arrow
30. Classic Green Lantern Hal Jordan

28 - 30. This is reverse logic. First, you've got to know that Wizkids is making Starro-ed controlled versions of four characters as giveaways at its "Win a Giant Starro clix" contests. Those are Silver Age versions of Aquaman, Green Arrow, Green Lantern, and the Flash, all with little Starro-fish on their faces. I've seen these, and they are darned pretty. By simply making versions without the Starro-fish on the faces, they get four other figures easily. We know that there will be a Silver Age Flash in the set already, so that makes it even more likely that we'll get Silver Age Green Arrow, Green Lantern, and Aquaman, too.

31. Jay Garrick
32. Mento
33. Captain Marvel Jr
34. Black Condor
35. Uncle Sam

31 - 35. This is more team filling. Jay Garrick was in the first set, but will get a remake for several reasons. (1) He still costs around $30 on Ebay, so a lot of people don't have him. (2) We need a version with the JSA Team Ability. (3) We need a version with some defensive powers.

The Doom Patrol needs a new member, probably Mento, because while he's less important than the Chief, he's easier to represent and is more visual. The Marvel Family is missing only Junior, and the groovy new Black Condor will add to the Freedom Fighters (plus, he's a babe). So would Uncle Sam, whom I think they may make as a giant figure, to take advantage of the new booster boxes that allow them to easily mix figures of different sizes.

36. Vibe
37. Gypsy

36 & 37. Like it or not (okay ... not; no one likes it), the Justice League Detroit is one of the versions of the League. The JLD had three members unique to that version: Gypsy, Steel, and the irrepressible Vibe. Gypsy still has legs (though perhaps not shoes) having been seen repeatedly since the JLD days, even as an operative in Birds of Prey; besides, she's got the Distaff Factor in her favor. Steel? No, I think he'll wait until "Citizen Steel" makes his appearance; there's already a Heroclix figure named Steel, thank you very much. As for Vibe, well, I think we'll see him because he's more closely associated with JLD than any other character. Plus, with some Quake and some BREAKDANCING AGILITY (Deflection or Combat Reflexes), he'd be a nice dial to have on the team. Any team, really. Or, you could just put his sculpt on your nightstand and stare at it every night as you nod off to sleep.

38. Per Degaton
39. Toyman
40. Granny Goodness
41. Classic Trickster
42. Pied Piper
43. Star Sapphire
44. Dr. Polaris

38 - 44. I hate having to pit hero teams against one another just because there aren't enough decent villains! We need those guys. Per Degaton isn't a JLA villain per se, but he's a high profile JSA villain and that's close enough. Besides a dial full of Probability Control would make him a great background figure on any villain team.

Toyman is the missing member of the Legion of Doom. Nuff said.

The Fourth World is (apparently) a necessary evil, so it's time for ridiculous Granny Goodness (or one of the Female Furies such as Lashina). What on earth would be on her dial I cannot imagine, unless they give her a Special Power like BUTT-UGLINESS: Granny Goodness may use a power action to automatically incapacitate any opposing figure the first time she comes within its line of sight.

The Trickster and the Pied Piper are safe bets for Flash Rogues because neither has been made yet (and, no, the "Kid Trickster" doesn't count, particularly since a stiff wind will take him out of the game). The Trickster could be the first flying DC villain to start with Perplex on his dial, and that could be very helpful to the Rogues (who need all the help they can get). And a mind-controlling Pied Piper tp use against any speedster under 100 points (which includes all of the Flash Family) would be useful.

We've got hordes of Green Lanterns and no villains for them to fight; bring on Star Sapphire, in as skimpy and as internet-enraging a costume as possible. Likewise for Dr. Polaris (although, not even I want to see Dr. Polaris in a skimpy costume. Well, not as a Heroclix figure, anyway...).

45. Dr. Light 2
46. Lightray
47. Bloodwynd
48. Firehawk
49. Wonder Woman 1,000,000
50. Golden Eagle

45 - 50. More JLA theme. Dr. Light 2 is definitely in the aforementioned category of necessary evils and she represents the beloved JLI era. Lightray helps fill out the New Gods roster, and was (at some point I'm glad to have missed) a JLA member. Bloodwynd pretty much existed only as a JLA member. Plus he's one of their few mystics and even fewer black members. Besides... he looks fantastic. Who cares what his dial says?

Firehawk? Why, yes, she was in the JLA; the one formed during 52! Besides, she's one of the few even remotely recognizable members of the Firestorm cast and has the Distaff Factor. We know there's going to be a member of the DC 1,000,000 version of the League (whatever it was called... Justice Legion A?). Wonder Woman One Million is the best candidate, other than Starman, from that group. But I'll think she'll get it because she easily dialable, looks cools, bolsters the Wonder Woman box of Heroclix, and has the Distaff Factor.

Golden Eagle was too a member of JLA (okay... mostly honorary). Besides, the Hawkman Family could use someone other than the Man and the Girl. And he plays nicely into the following Teen Titans set. Alright, fine! I just like Golden Eagle.

51. Rag Doll
52. Silver Banshee
53. Batman & Robin
54. Amazing Man
55. Gang of thugs
56. Nightwing
57. Grace Choi
58. Huntress

51 - 58. There's a lot going on here in this little grab-bag. Rag Doll works as a JSA villain, an Injustice League piece, and continues the expansion of the popular Secret Six. Silver Banshee? Well, the Superman Enemies really need a boost and a female foe wouldn't hurt either. Besides, has there every been a more fabulously designed "Nightmare of a Drag Queen" look than Silver Banshee? She should appear regularly in heavy metal videos and episodes of Queer Eye.

Batman & Robin. Yeah. Together. On one dial. The New Dial Mechanism of the Year is the "duo dial", as used for Cap & Bucky in the Avengers set. It's not exactly what I would use it for, but after the Avengers set, it seems pretty clear that if you ain't got an ampersand between your names, it ain't for you. So, unless they're planning on surprising us with Mr. Scarlet & Pinky or Dan the Dynamite & TNT, it'll be Batman & Robin.

Amazing Man. No, I'm not sure how I feel about Amazing Retcon Man, either. But he was a Justice League member, works with JSA teams, and adds to the list of black characters in clix. Not quite sure what they'd do with his dial, but I guess if they did the Absorbing Man they can do Amazing Man. As long as there's one click of "Amazingly Brittle Man"; that still amuses me.

Gang of Thugs. No, I don't really think we'll get this, but we should anyway, and they should have the new Duo Dial mechanism. That would make the perfect foils for Batman&Robin, plus the Batvillains (particularly the Mastermind ones) desperately need them. Besides, with them, we get to say "GET THEM, YOU FOOLS!" while playing. Really, what's the point of playing villains if you don't get to say, "GET THEM, YOU FOOLS!"?

Nightwing, of course, would add to the Outsiders team, the Batman Family, and still count as JLA (thanks to the horror that was "Obsidian Age"). Besides, a lot of people would like him to be remade. I've never had any problems with him as is, but he is kind of front-loaded and a new dial would do him better justice. Huntress likewise. As for Grace Choi, well, there's always got to be one character I can't believe they wasted plastic on, and that would be she.

As for the last two figures, well...

who do you think they will or should be?

My Hands-Down Favorite Moment in Sinestro Corps

As I'm sure you've heard or experienced firsthand already, there's quite a lot going in Sinestro Corps #1.

Quite a lot.

But I wanted to share with you my favorite moment. If you have your copy handy, please finger through to the section where Kyle, John, Guy, and Stewart are having lunch together at Cafe Oa. It's when Kyle is being vulnerable, sharing an intimate childhood memory with his friends about his recently deceased mother.


It's touching, with Kyle being so uncharacteristically serious and thoughtful and his friends quietly listening to him.

I just ... just can't help but imagine what's going through Hal Jordan's mind as Kyle tells him this story....

"GOD, my hands are beautiful!

Now these are what I could stare at for hours!
It's a pity no one can see my manicure through these gloves, though. Maybe I should switch to some fingerless ones? "

In Which I Speak the Name of Fear Itself

It is the name that fanboys dare not speak, and in a collective conspiracy of silence, we say it never. Perhaps it is for fear that to speak The Name is to invoke its evil, and that like the Devil or the Candyman, its mere mention would bring The Evil Itself upon us again.

We laugh blithely about the Joker, the Spectre, the Scarecrow, Neron, and Eclipso. We speak their names casually and constantly, as if these avatars of terror were old friends. For we do not fear their return. We welcome them with open arms, and, having learned of their advent, rush to share the good news with our friends.

But we do not speak the name of that which we truly fear. Which we meta-fear. The name of...

Aunt Harriet


Thanks to the new Batman Showcase edition, we get to remember that Bruce and Dick used to have an aunt living with them (does it really matter whose aunt she was?) who kept trying to uncover their secret identity.


I just love the panels above! I enjoy picturing Madge Blake toiling away in the hot sun, blacktopping an entire road by hand, by herself, in an afternoon.

"Goodness gracious! Blacktopping is such thirsty work! But I don't mind doing it, if it will help trap my beloved relatives in my web of manipulation and deceipt. Why, it's the least a citizen can do!"

I like to picture her eventually dying that way, laying some byzantine trap for her young charges, keeling over face-first from heat prostration into the still steaming pitch, which sears the flesh from her skull, and her attempts to scream as she loses consciousness are stifled by the black morass oozing down her throat. Then her corpse goes on to host some forgotten DC horror comic (Garden Shed of Mystery!), to be remembered only when aging hefty drag queens dress as her for Halloween ("What do you mean, who am I? I'm Harriet the Harridan, you nit! From Garden Shed of Mystery. Oh, for pete's sake... AUNT HARRIET!")

Or sometimes I just picture her snooping around until she tumbles down an open elevator shaft, clawing at the sides and the cable vainly, as her fingers are snapped and shredded, only to land with a wet thud on the roof of the Batcave service elevator, her broken bones piercing internal organs that will cause her to slowly hemorrhage to death over several excruciating hours of sharp pain, while a ridiculous flowered hat floats down to land squarely on her shocked face, so that her own death smells to her like VO5 and Dippity Doo. It's times like that I really wish I could draw.
Sometimes, I picture her succumbing to fates even more gruesome than those, like being slowly consumed by some hideous freak of nature...


So, if you're not afraid to speak The Name, how do you picture

Aunt Harriet

dying?


P.S. Oh, and in case you're wondering how Aunt Harriet began to suspect that Bruce and Dick were Batman and Robin...

she discovered the Batcave under Wayne Manor.

THEN she decided to prove they were Batman and Robin. Everything Morrison's ever done pales beside the craziness of that kind of Silver Age thinking.

Things That Made Me Happy...

in my comics this week.

• Watching the Sportsmaster spank the JSA.
• Okay, if those are Yankees fans, that is definitely another universe.
  
• Batman at the Korean War Memorial.
• For you kids out there. Just so you know.
• Traci Thirteen versus Eclipso and some of sweetest smack talk on record.
• The splash panel of Lesbian Heaven. Who knew it had owls?
• Jean Loring threatening to remove the hearts of innocent little babies. Probably with her teeth.
• Gosh, Forerunner's hair grows fast!
• Stygian Bees.
  
• Even Billy has trouble remembering that Captain Marvel's name isn't "Shazam".
• Wait; did Superman just Charge to hit her with a dumpster? That's 5 clicks plus 2 for the dumpster, and I think she may have taken knockback damage. I'm becoming increasingly convinced that they play Heroclix at DC HQ... a lot.
• The Monster Within Blue Beetle.
• The Reverse Flash versus the real Justice Leaguers, while the B Team stands around with their mouths open.
• Miss Martian versus Supergirl.
• Batman's Battle Laptop.
  
• Jimmy Olsen: blurring the line between bravery and outrageous stupidity for 60 years!
• The fact that everything I thought was going to happen at the end of Countdown happens by about, oh, halfway through Sinestro Corps. THEN it gets really serious.
• I cannot wait until Jaime Reyes meets his new girlfriend's father.
• Why Mrs. Rayner never got better.

The 31st Century still observes Haikuesday

Well, it's not exactly "flowing", but Brainy's never really been the artistic type...

"All I really care
about is that we got who
we wanted." The End.

Perhaps you have your haiku on this panel or the Lightning Saga or the like?

NEW Big Monkey Podcast Availlable!

Please listen to us discuss:

The Legion of Super Heroes!

Something called, I believe, "the X-Men"!

And the Glory That is Heroclix!

P.S. You really do NOT want to miss Devon as the Voice of Orion. Really.

The Worst Comic Book Ever ...?

Usually, I try to focus on the positive here (I mean, as much as necessary snark allows). Nor do I usually rely heavily on the commentary of my fellow bloggers. But today I veer from that goal to examine a particular question:
Is it possible that JLA #10 is the worst superhero comic book ever?

Now, I realize that's not the claim that Greg Burgas is making. But one could make the case that it should be made.

First, let me clarify: by "worst", I do not mean on an absolute scale. Clearly, there are worse comics. I mean, after all, I own a complete run of the Detroit League. I've read Sword of Atlantis. I've read the Teen Titans Showcase Edition. Heck, I owned Dell's Super Heroes #1 (which really is the worst superhero comic book ever on an absolute scale); 40 years later, many of its readers still run shrieking from even a mention of the word "superhero", and some are still institutionalized and hoping that tonight is Pudding Night.

But we often temper our estimation of how "bad" something is by our expectations. You expect a cheap film made quickly with a hand-held camera and improvisational acting to be bad, which is why Blair Witch Project is "brilliant"; you expect a well-funded release from master of semiotic cinematography Peter Greenaway to be good, which is why The Pillow Book is nothing short of excruciating.

JLA #10 (and the "Lightning Saga" it culminates) comes with unavoidably high expectations. It's the JLA, for one thing. Plus, some new recruits the author has almost desperately been trying to sell us on as "JLA-level" and "part of the in-crowd". Add in the entire fricking JSA, a good chunk of the Legion of Super-Heroes, the (possible) return of the Wally West and Barry Allen, and tie it all up with a redux of the original "Revolving Door of Death" and its Ultimate Sacrifice. Oh, with special guest villains the Ultra-Humanite, Despero, and Per Degaton. And have it written by a best-selling author, one with deep love and knowledge of the characters involved, the same man who wrote the miniseries that sparked Infinite Crisis.

Really. If you're going to presume to do that, it had better be good. Perhaps even darned good. And, yet, as Greg Burgas correctly details ... it wasn't. Some have belittled his criticism of the issue, damning it as a reflection of his lack of familiarity with the beginning of the story and the characters in it, rather than any intrinsic deficiency in the storytelling.

I couldn't disagree with them more. Unlike Greg, I was familiar with every single reference, every single name, every single character backstory, not only from reading the beginning of the story, but from the reading the 50 years worth of comic book history it's based on. Yet I agree with his assessment wholeheartedly. As a commenter mentions, that background knowledge doesn't make the comic less confusing, just confusing for different reasons (such as internal contradictions, misplaced focus, mischaracterizations, defiance of continuity, etc.).

Confusing art. Did Zatanna magically elfinize Power
Girl's face, and did Wally spend his time off posing for Tom of Finland?

Confusing "dialog boxes". Not even I am gay enough to think that dialog boxes
should match someone's outfit [Blockade Boy: please weigh in on this].
Whose idea was this and do they still have a closet full of Garanimals?

Confusing dialog. I mean in the word b-- . I
guess we know what they're going-- . I mean, we don't really
care whether they fin--. Oh, apparently, Brad decided to use "serialocution"
again for the JLA and go it one better with ridiculous "stereophonic speech",
like Batman and Green Lantern use in this issue.

Confusing "moments". You "ducked"? Really, what the heck is that supposed to mean? Actually, I saw the lightning hit you, Karate Kid (through the force field, which you were supposed to have dropped). Is that just meaningful or just another one of those "cool moments" Brad seems to write everything around? I spent a year pondering what would assuredly be the ingenious, writer-ly ending of Identity
Crisis only to be blindsided by an absurdist conclusion so crazy that Jean
Loring herself wouldn't have dared write it and so scientifically preposterous
(even by the internal standards of comic book science) that even Gardner Fox
would have laughed at it. There are no satisfactory conclusions in any of Meltzer's writing, just red herrings and "gotchas".

Confusing characterization. No, I'm not bothered by the fact that the Legion keeps from Superman -- oh, excuse me... "Clark" (you know, I've read just about every Legion story ever written and I can't remember any one of them ever calling him "Clark") -- their purpose in being there. I mean, I love the Legionnaires, but they're secrective, deceptive jerks, and always have been. Did you know they used to mindwipe Superboy everytime he went back to his time, without his permission? Yeah, well, he didn't know that either....

But why the JLA and JSA treat the LSH as a threat and why Superman doesn't
know that when they don't share information is because they are trying to
protect the future is utterly beyond my understanding of the characters.
Honestly, with all the first names, personal focus, heroes versus heroes rather
than villains, and Bendisian dialog, it's like I'm reading "What If...
Marvel Owned the JLA, the JSA, and the LSH?" It's pretty clear that what
you have here is a writer whose Child Within loves the DC characters, but whose Adolescent Within desperately needs to re-make them as hip, edgy, personalized Marvel characters. Comic book characters are like husbands; maybe you can improve the way they dress, but don't wed yourself to them if you're planning on changing them into a different person.

Confusing plot. Yeah, I think I'll leave this one to the Peanut Gallery.

Yet, there are some people who liked it. Well, historically speaking most JLA stories are, in fact, awful, no matter how fondly we remember them. If you're reading Countdown, I hope you are having as much fun as I am watching the Monitors try to lend dignity to the horrible old multiversal crossovers they are recalling; good luck with that when you're voicing over an image of Superman fighting Cary Bates. Oh, how I wish you we could retcon Superboy Prime into that battle, because the Rolling Head of Cary Bates would be my favorite comic book character of all time.

Anyway, you know what I think; what do you think?

Jean Loring Attacks!

Jean Loring & Co. (10 figures at 400 points)

ID	Name	Points
cd092	Eclipso	132
leF004	Feat Fortitude	25
cdF003	Feat Ambush	5
cdF006	Feat Running Start	5
leB001	Token Iris West-Allen	3
leB006	Token Carol Ferris	3
U030	Two-Face	61
icF004	Feat Sidekick (to Eclipso)	10
cd079	Mary Marvel	99
cd064	Dr. Light	57

vs.

Sword of Ray Palmer (12 figures at 399 points)

ID	Name	Points
o048	The Atom	64
oF010	Feat Thwart	15
oF003	Feat Dissent	18
o046	The All-New Atom	24
icF004	Feat Sidekick (to the Atom)	10
leF001	Feat Armor Piercing	10
o058	Hawkman	59
leF002	Feat Damage Shield	10
gi004	Rita Farr	76
cdF006	Feat Running Start	5
gi005	Giganta	108
cdF004	Feat The Society	0

Thinking Links

My take on Giganta.

Make blogging personalities dance to your tune!

Will you be part of ... the FLASH DASH?

How do you rate Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer?

Mike Carey's X-Men: Endangered Species.

Sword of the Atom: 4!!!!

Yeesh, I don't know about you, but after that chunk of synoptic exposition I need a drink. More happens in that box than in a year's subscription to Brian Michael Bendis's Secret War. Of course, in all fairness, that's only five issues.

Rimshot! I told you I'd be here all week, folks.

In issue 4 of Sword of the Atom, the Rebels attack the Teeny Tiny City and succeed only because the evil Skeeve Minister has already primed the palace guards for his own revolt. That's at least a refreshing change from the usual sword epic plot of Hearty Heroes Take the Palace by Killing People Three At A Time While Still Chatting With One Another. Meanwhile, King Moron the Apathetic has finally figured out that the Skeeve Minister is plotting to overthrow him and prepares to announce the treachery to the world.

So, naturally, the rebellion succeeds but the people reconcile with their misunderstood king, the plotter is imprisoned, and the Atom marries the king's daughter and sitteth at his right hand, yes?

No. Guess again.

The King, being an idiot, confronts the Skeeve Minister, who, naturally enough, just stabs the king in the back. Princess Metal-bra shows up just in time to watch Pops bleed to death. Ah, he had it coming; he never even bought her a chair to sit in, for pity's sake.

Dude; why do you let your daughter sit in the I'm The King's Slave-Whore spot? Ick-y.

Then while the Atom and his men are leaping around ridiculously on their saddled frogs, the Skeeve Minister decides to

ACTIVATE

THE

STAR DRIVE!!!!

This is pretty clever plotting, actually. It's already been established that the Wee Folk came to earth on a Teeny Tiny starship, who's power source hasn't been used in forever because they forgot the science behind it many many generations ago. And the power source? Wait for it...

The white dwarf star fragment that Ray was searching for when he fell out of his plane.

Now that, gang, is comic books. And it gets better. After eons of non-maintenance, the dang star drive has a busted framostat and leaks 'white dwarf star radiation' like a sieve. So the badly irradiated, addled, and probably dying Skeeve Minister staggers out into the city brandishing a Toxic Touch of Death (tm), like Prof. Radium. Or Plasmus. Or Clayface. Or Dr. Phosphorus. Or Mano. Or the Red Death. Or Mr. Bones. Or Syonide. Or Shego. Or... well, you get the idea.

"For stealing from Rita Farr's closet I condemn thee to death!"

This leads us to the best (non-Jean Loring) scene of the series, but before we get to it, we'll take a small detour to an earlier scene where the Rebels discover a traitor in their midst who's in cahoots with the Skeeve Minister. So they kindly offer him the Poison Arrow of Self-Hand-Impalement:

Do you think Green Arrow's got one of those, too?

Gee, I don't suppose they could have put that poison in a pill or something.

I'd say this scene scores about a two on the Rolling Head of Pantha Scale; maybe a three, since the arrow comes out the back of his hand and is a fatal wound.

So what happens to the Badly Irradiated Skeeve Minister with the Toxic Touch of Death is at least a three, maybe a four:

Do NOT borrow Roy Harper's Mr. Bubble without asking first.

This scene from 25 years ago is brought to you by the innocent comics of your youth, which, as you keep telling me, would never show graphic violence like the evil comics of today.

With the malfunctioning star drive threatening the city, it helps to have a world-expert in exotic physics on hand to run into the machine and say "This sucker's going to blow!"

Gil Kane! You naughty, naughty man!

But what happens when you put six-inch Ray Palmer with white dwarf star radiation? Six-foot Ray Palmer, of course. The Atom starts to grow back to his normal height, and since the Jungleputians are too stupid even to flee for their lives from the disintegrating star drive, 'giant' Ray begins to kick the city to pieces like an unwanted sand castle in order to drive them away a safe distance, then staggers off just before the big ka-blooey, and collapses by the Amazon river, conked out by the radiation exposure, only to be picked up by some passing boaters who take him to an urban hospital.

Yawn! Let's check in on the real action: Jean Loring.

"Who DARES disturb the Loring? I'll have their guts for garters!"

One of the things that makes Jean Loring's evil so impressive is that she does more of it without even getting out of bed than you or I do in a lifetime.

Jean Loring from Sword of the Atom 1:



Jean Loring from Sword of the Atom 2:


Jean Loring from Sword of the Atom 3:


Jean Loring in Sword of the Atom 4:


Naturally, Ray is impressed by Jean's tenacity.

And overjoyed to be reunited with his beloved wife and return to the comfort of her arms.

I mean, who wouldn't be?


And this, believe it or not, is the end of Sword of the Atom:

Look out, Ray! That purse might contain a miniaturized flamethrower!

So, do you think Jean ...

(a) actually packed that hat and those gloves for a trip to South America's most inaccessible tropicopolis (which = insane)
or

(b) decided, hey, as long as I'm in town, I think I'll go hat shopping instead of looking for my missing husband (which = evil)?

Sword of the Atom: 3!!!

Meanwhile, back in the states...

As the dust settles on Ray's teeny tiny headstone, Jean Loring moves on with her life heartlessly with "characteristic efficiency".

See? I told you.

While selling all Ray's old clothes on E-Bay, Jean's been shacking up with Paul Her Law Partner (the guy Ray caught her sucking face with in Issue 1, you'll recall). But suddenly, Jean, being insane, realizes that Ray isn't dead. Why? Because it would be annoying and inconvenient...

Interesting that none of this occurred to her, say, before the funeral, when the entire Justice League might have tried to find him. Or locked her away in Arkham.

You see, it's not like Ray's in trouble. Or hurt. Or held prisoner or trapped in the jungle or being attacked by reptiles. It's because he's messing with her.

It's all about you, isn't it, Jean?

Why did this occur to her at this point? Is Paul, perhaps ... not measuring up?

"You are, if you know what's good for you, bucko. Because I, Jean Loring, demand to be pleasured again. Now. So take one of those 'little helper pills' I've learned you take..."

"By rifling through your overnight bag, of course.
Enough back talk; snap to it, mister, or I get out the flamethrower!"

Meanwhile, back in the jungle...

Oh, um, let's see. The Rebels prepare to attack the city. Not wanting to be a burden, Taren takes a face dive into a swarm of army ants.

Remember, kids: stupidity = nobility.

Naturally, Princess Metal-Bra throws herself at Ray before the ants have even finished picking Taren's bones clean. I tell you, the people in Sword of the Atom don't waste a lot of time mourning or healing.


Meanwhile, back in the states...

Okay, it's not really the states. Having hopped on a plane, Jean's harshing the mellow at a hotel bar in Manaus, Brazil, while nursing a stiff drink.


See? I told you.

So, naturally, a fox like Jean gets hit on by the local booze hound (you know, the one who's in every other episode of Bewitched)

In case you really need to know.

Mr. Pig-With-A-Wooden-Leg gets both less (action) and more (terror) than he bargained for as he discovers (A) Jean is insane (B) she thinks her husband decided not to be dead simply to make her life miserable.

Even Death Itself backs off from Jean Loring. Do you blame it?

So Jean decides to find Ray,who could, in fact, be nestled somewhere in the molecules of the very bar she's sitting at.

Top Ten People You'd Rather Have Chasing You Than Jean Loring.
Mr. Zsazs
The Martian Manhunter
Batman
Deathstroke
Big Barda
The Joker
Darkseid
Validus
The Spectre
The Black Racer

"Fortunately, I remembered to pack my flamethrower.
Just in case."

So, this guy who just called Jean Loring crazy ... to her face. Think Eclipso ever got around to paying him a visit?

"Uh ...d-de certo, Senhora. Now, p-please... not to reach for thee thrower of flame!"