Speed Saunders and the Skull-Face Cult #4: Spirit Halloween

Yesterday I told you to imagine the titanic clash between Speed Saunders and Sam, the Gorilla-Person.  Well, today you will have to continue to do so because it happens off-panel. Yep, the very next panel after Skull-Face summoning Sam to deal with Speed's aggression shows not the battle, but simply the results of the battle.  Which is Sam carrying Speed around like a ventriloquist's dummy.

This is truly adorable.  Can't you just hear little Speed protesting that he's doesn't WANNA go to bed yet as his parental figures resolutely carry him off to his bedroom?

Skull-Face intends to show off his evil ingenuity to Speed, like he's some big villain.  But he botches his attempt at dialog in haiku, which shows just how low-rent he really is:

WHETHER YOU LIKE IT

OR NOT YOU'LL LEARN HOW A MAS-

TERMIND OPERATES.

That's just an embarrassing attempt at haiku; don't quit your day-job, Skull-Face.  But among Speed's opponents, Skull-Face is one of the closest to what we would call an actual villain, so let's indulge him and listen to his monologue.

The skeleton's a nice touch.  Plastic, no doubt.

Oh, fer-- Skull-Face is really just a villainous Avon Lady? I'm unimpressed.  

This is absurd.  Much like having eyebrows on a skull mask.

We were promised a whole CULT and all we got is this goober, some noxious Noxzema, and a gorilla in a dress.  Does he simply overcharge these wealthy girls for his product or does he extort them by threatening to withhold his villainous beauty cream if they don't ... put him in their wills?  And what about The Dead Pierre?  Was HE addicted to beauty cream?  How do you market a beauty cream that DEHYDRATES you?!  Sorry, Skull-Face; your racket somehow makes less sense than a spy ring based on coded goldfish.

Skull-Face, you see, is all style and no substance.  

The skeleton? The rat? The chain? All plastic.  Skull-Face, the Spirit Halloween villain.

I mean, how else do you explain all the little ivory skulls found by his victim's corpses? He must have placed them there himself, right? It's not like the girls went swimming with little ivory skulls in their hands.  Which means he's... lurking by the seashore, watching til one of his victims drops dead?  I'm sorry, I confess I am having trouble forcing THIS to make any sense:

Just how did this come about? THREE TIMES?!

At least S-F admits to killing The Dead Pierre, even if he offers no explanation for why.  Maybe The Dead Pierre was, like Speed, some kind of investigator and was on S-F's trail?  It's the only explanation. And how DID he kill The Dead Pierre? With poison beauty cream or a bullet to the torso? We never do find out.  This is one of those crappy horror movies where random events simply happen to scare the audience and the protagonist, and no narrative can force them to make sense in any other way.

It's Speed Saunders as directed by Mario Bava.

Left alone in a dungeon, Speed decides to escape by simply digging through the floor with his hands. 

In... Maine? Whatever, Speed. Nice view, at least.

No, really. It's a rather daring, if improbable, escape.  I suppose it's consistent with the whole watery setting of the piece and it's certainly in character for Spirit Halloween villain Skull-Face to have a dungeon with a clay floor.

But before tomorrow's exploration of what Speed does after his escape, I really need to draw your attention to this masterpiece of subtle symbolism:

With his own two hands, Speed and his eel will force themselves through your watery passage.  

Put THAT on your catalog cover, J. Crew!  

Speed Saunders and the Skull-Face Cult #3: KUNK

His Day of Pondering in The North Woods with The Dead Pierre having been interrupted by a damsel in distress, Speed is now rescuing

from a watery demise in the river.

I guess she's just unconscious, for no apparent reason.  Seems like a pretty wise choice if you're in a Speed Saunders story.

Ace Lifeguard Speed Saunders is naturally equal to the riverine emergency and swims That Fool Girl to (temporary) safety.

PHEW; they're safe. Wait, what is that orange thing emerging from a giant banana...?

Very temporary, in fact.

KUNK

Oh. It's a non-verbal Missing Link with a blackjack. Of course it is. Who works for Skull-Face of the Skull-Face Cult and is named "Sam". Yeah; yeah, that tracks.

I would comment how insane this panel is outside of context, but, really, it's more insane IN context.

So the Alley Oop character is something you'd expect would require explanation, but... you'd be wrong.   Every once in a while a character like this will turn up in a Speed Saunders story.  A big hulking subhuman to serve as the goon of some nameless mastermind.

After all, it IS where the word "goon" comes from.

It's just a Golden Age thing, and a very convenient one.  They don't need dialog, they can manhandle the hero without making him seem feeble and, when the time comes, the hero can just shoot them with impunity, because it's not like they are PEOPLE,  you know.  Nowadays, they would seem like an astonishing scientific discover that solidly trumps whatever dumb little crimes are happening in the story.  But in those days, poor creatures like Sam were just cannon fodder.

Or Sam could simply be a gorilla in a dress. Comics, you know.

I love the villain's lair set-up. "Would you care for some freshly roasted coffee beans, Mister Bond? Or perhaps some local produce?"

Where is this villain's lair? Well, presumably it's up there in The North Woods.  

Let's think about that a bit.  

The Skull-Face Cult, which has murdered three young women by the shores of New York some 370 miles away, is actually located in The North Woods, right where Speed happens to go on vacation when working on solving the murders.  And then they murder The Dead Pierre to...

to...

okay, I give up. I have zero idea why the Skull-Face Cult murdered The Dead Pierre.  It's never explained.  But it did give Speed the gift of A Day of Pondering.  I guess the Skull-Face Cult didn't want Speed to get bored or forget about them during his vacation.

My god, Speed's trapped in a Spirt Halloween store.

"I am known as Skull-Face."  You are? By whom? 

I am 100% certain one of these two is in that outfit.

Speed, utterly uncowed by the fact that he's been KUNKed on the head and is now captive at a Spirit Halloween in The North Woods, sasses the evil genius supposedly known as Skull-Face.

OMG, Sam is just SO ADORABLE.  He needs to be a plushie.

Even being nearly naked, wet, and trapped does not dim Speed's sense of his own authority.

Now you know why Sam was shown lurking in the background behind Speed.

Until tomorrow, just IMAGINE the titanic battle between Speed and Sam!

Speed Saunders and the Skull-Face Cult #2: A Day of Pondering

When we last left him, Speed Saunders, frustrated by the lack of progress in his current serial killer case, had absconded to The North Woods to vacation with his friend, Pierre (whom we have not yet seen), who is unaccountably late.  Speeds decides to take the canoe and go fishing without Pierre. Even though fishing from a canoe is a very bad idea. But...

What the heck can be wrong with a canoe?  Does it have a hole in it?

Without his telephone to chat with him, Speed just sort of narrates his own life. Who better?

"WHO KILLED MY SISTER?! WAS IT YOU?!?!?

See? I told you trying to fish from a canoe was a bad idea.. Well, at least the canoe doesn't have a hole in it; what it has in it is:

Of course it does.

What on earth?!  Who could have killed The Dead Pierre? This can't possibly have anything to do with the Skull-Face Cult killings, which took place over 300 miles away.

OR CAN IT...?!

Obviously, the corpse of Speed's (late) friend The Dead Pierre should lead to an immediate investigation with all the local authorities and put an end to Speed's vacation.  But what it actually leads to is... a Day of Pondering.

Yeah. Speed that Funny Air of Mystery is probably the stench of The Dead Pierre's body, which you left rotting back at the cabin while you posed for J. Crew's swimsuit catalog.

No, I did not skip anything; that is literally the next panel.  I guess Speed just left The Dead Pierre's body rotting back at the cabin for a day so he could go swimming to clear his head.  Speed invented nonchalance, people. Honi soit qui mal y pense.

Yet the plot must advance, so while Speed is swimming by the light of the silvery banana, who should come along but...

A Useful Female Informant!

Speed, who was about to go swimming alone, is incensed because this walk-on character dares to do the same... but she's a DAME!  The noive.  Then she does the ONE thing no one in the Saundersverse is EVER allowed to get away with...

SHE DISREGARDS SPEED SAUNDERS.

Dang. I don't know who this spunky gal is, but I like her already. Gal's got MOXIE and a swimming outfit to go with it.  Well, if there's a place to have Moxie, The North Woods would certainly be it.

Speed, you may remember, began his existence as an agent of the River Patrol (although that's long since been forgotten at this point).  But it has left him with a vestigial sense of guardianship over all bodies of water and their users.  Speed is life's lifeguard.

THAT
FOOL
GIRL!

I am sure That Fool Girl, who seems like a confident swimmer, was in no trouble at all until Speed decided she SHOULD be, at which point the Saundersverse rearranged itself to match Speed's idea.  "I lost The Dead Pierre; I'm not going to lose you, too, Fool Girl!"

You know what we be both awesome and typical for an SS story?  If That Fool Girl were already DEAD. She's not, though.

Even in the urgent situation that Speeds has conjured up out of nowhere, That Fool Girl cannot stare into Speed's Face of Judgement and so closes her eyes, bracing for his rescue.  But, surely, Lifeguard Saunders will save her and all will be well and the danger will be over.

Tomorrow: KUNK

Speed Saunders and the Skull-Face Cult #1: A Definite Plot

It begins with a lovely lady sunning herself by the sea.

OR DOES IT...?!

It does not. Because that lovely lady is, in fact, a lovely corpse, who died in the most decoratively dramatic pose possible.  Really; that entire panel is a work of true art.  

But, meanwhile, an hour later...

"A definite plot." Gee, ya think, Officer Dullard?  No wonder Speed is considered an Ace Investigator in his world.

Speed checks for "symptoms", the main one being, I suppose, that she's been dead an hour (at which point the body is already getting...unpleasant).

Heart failure? Did your little notebook tell you that, Speed? Did you have the corpse's stomach pumped off-panel?

By the way, if that Seashore is really that Lonely, how were the cops notified in time to show up a mere hour after the murder? These are the kind of details the readers of Speed Saunders' stories are simply not privy to.

"SQUIRREL!"

Speed, who misses nothing, notices a Really Obvious Clue.

I am not going to make a joke about the absurd clue.
Just pausing to note again: this panel is ART, people.

So usually, this corpse-confrontation would lead to some rapid speedstigation, with more bodies and suspects and clues.  But instead...

Seven DAYS?!  Speed is accustomed to wrapping things up in fewer than seven PAGES.  Naturally, after working (?) on the same case for a week, Speed is Fed Up With The Whole Thing.  So, he decides to do one of the things he does best:

Go on vacation.

How do we know that Speed is talking to his supervisor, Commission Safetybelt, rather than just a random cop at a desk? The cigar. Only a Boss would have a cigar.

Note that, naturally, Speed does not ASK to go on vacation. He simply INFORMS you that he is going on vacation and you should feel grateful he took the time to tell you.  I pity Commissioner Safetybelt, who's left to explain to the victims' families, that, although his best man was on the case, he gave up after a week and went mountaineering.

So Speed goes on vacation where he always go on vacation: The North Woods.

With that sleek design, the Speedmobile is equal to the challenge of any incline.

In literally no time, Speed is at a rustic cabin surveying his domain: reality.

There's a lot going on in this panel. Let's break it down...

Speed is now clearly in The North Woods, and, as we already know, that means bad things are going to happen.  Weird bad things.  Killer sleds. Scarecrow skiers.  Stuff like that.

Speed intends to go fishing.  Is there some significance to this action?  Is reeling in fish corpses from the water symbolic of the deaths of the victims as they emerged from the water? No, I think Speed just likes fishing, which is a fast and tasty way to legally surround yourself with corpses.

Speed thinks you can go fishing in a canoe. That is not what canoes are for, Speed. They do not provide the stability and room required to wrangle any substantial fish on your line into your craft.  Do not go fishing in a canoe.

Speed was supposed to meet someone here, named Pierre (who, I hope, knows not to fish from a canoe). Who is Pierre? Is he just a friend and does Speed have those?  We know he is a native to The North Woods, because of his French-Canadian name.  Does he have some connection to the case? Pay no attention to that. For now.

There are three tree stumps prominently figured. Why? Because stumps are, essentially, corpses of trees. They are evidence that trees have been murdered.  They might be there simply so that Speed is surrounded by corpses (what better environment to welcome him?). But I assert that they are representations of the Three Victims who have already been felled, cut down in their prime by the Skull-Face Cult.  They symbolize not only what has driven Speed to vacation in The North Woods, but also the fact that he has not really escaped it at all!  Is it just that these deaths haunt him or is it a sign of a more concrete connection?  We shall see.

There is a blood-red canoe under the porch. But pay no attention to that. For now.

Last, there is Speed's outfit.  Mere words would only detract from its glorious absurdity. Just appreciate that Speed (who is, don't forget, not merely an Ace Investigator, but a perfectly handsome and buff underwear model) can look good in ANYTHING, which is what models do.  This is why he wears so many ridiculous outfits: because he can.

Speed does his Ace Investigating for free. His real money comes from J. Crew.

Tomorrow, Speed's photoshoot ends and his vacation takes a quick turn into nightmare territory.

Speed Saunders and the Skull-Face Cult #0: A Lonely Seashore

Are you ready for...? 

You aren't, by the way.

It begins

 

with this picturesque tableau

Remember this scene. We'll come back to it.

All of this in just the first panel.

Nice of her to wear a bathing costume that matches Speed's logo.

Please note this little guy, for future reference.

Tomorrow: A Definite Plot!

The Best Part of "Superman" (2025)

 ...is the mural in the Hall of Justice:

COMPUTER: ZOOM AND ENHANCE.

Much better.

Superman under the Gunn

Well, it wasn't as bad as I was afraid it would be.

But it wasn't nearly as good as it deserved to be.

Superman/Clark Kent  

David Corenswet

who is a REALLY BIG MAN, by the way--like, oddly, noticeably BIG, in a way no other Superman actor has ever been--

is quite fine as Superman.  He carries it off, remaining believable despite Gunn's, well, Gunnisms (more on those later).  He never swears (although there ARE several "goshes"), saves squirrels and (freaky bad CGI) babies, and really cares about people.  Aesthetically, I rather like that his costume is not skin-tight; after all, he's got on a working outfit for putting out fires, he's not an aerobics instructor.  

Et al. 

The movie is full of supporting characters who do next to nothing, such as Ron Troupe, Steve Lombard, Cat Grant, even Martha Kent.  But I mark that as a plus.  Anybody's real life has lot of "supporting characters" in it, who are not all always essential element to every "plot" you are experiencing.  I appreciate Gunn's inclusion of them just like that of the DCU's signature brands (Zesti Cola, Big Belly Burger, etc.).

Jimmy Olsen

The actor still seems a little off-model to me.  But he is more on-model than almost every OTHER live-action Jimmy Olsen.

I mean, we all know what Jimmy Olsen is SUPPOSED to look like.

But the character is used well in the film.  He's not a damsel in distress, but he's quirky, pro-active, gets his story in a characteristically weird way, and is, for no reason anyone in universe understands, attractive to the ladies.

Lois Lane

I don't know how this actress is but, well, not to be unkind, but she just doesn't seem IMPRESSIVE enough to be Lois Lane.  Although she is certainly more on model than that Amy Adams (?) person.  She simply doesn't seem sufficiently substantial to Superman's love interest (or even Clark's frankly).  I'm no fan of Margo Kidder, but at least her Lois Lane was someone to be reckoned with.

Lex 'Bingo Caller" Luthor (Nicholas Hoult)

Look. Nicholas Hoult seems very nice. And pretty. But he was in WAY over his head in this role. You know what more frightening than Hoult's Lex Luthor?  Gene Hackman saying, "Almost nobody", while not even ON SCREEN. Or "by causing the deaths of millions of innocent people".  

I am STILL unnerved by the inhuman coldness of that line, fifty years later.

Hackman's Luthor may have been goofy but... that was part of the point.  That didn't make him any less dangerous. Kind of goofy but still very dangerous is ALSO Superman's brand, remember.  

Kevin Spacey could say "kryptonite" in the goofiest way imaginable, but I never doubted that he was exactly as brilliant as he claimed, dangerously as heck, and irremediably. And that's just Spacey, not even Spacey's Luthor.  

Even Jesse Eisenberg

poor, terminally weird Jesse Eisenberg

seemed achingly smart (as all he characters do, I believe).

Hoult did the one thing you can't do as Luthor; he made me doubt Luthor's intelligence. Badly. 

This man shouting 'brains over brawn!' as he threatens to burst the seems of his clothing with every movement and is literally taking over a foreign country with massive firepower is ...
well, I will be kind and call it "comic book irony".

Eve Teschmacher

At first, I didn't like her. Then eventually I realized what they were doing with her and that everything I thought was wrong about her was.... my mistake.  Also on the villain's side of things, I have to confess that Gunn's geek bait of Sydney Happersen and Otis Berg ... yeah, fine. He made me smile with those.

Hawkgirl

And the award for Least Impressive Hawkgirl of All Time goes to... whoever that actress was. Really, I can't even be bothered to look it up.

4

Quick, at this point what could be more trite than Alan Tudyk as an alien or a robot (AGAIN)?  Answer: Alan Tudyk as an Alien Robot.  This is the same kind of casting from the Geek Toolbox that gives us geek favorite Nathan Filion, looking every bit of 75 years old as Guy Gardner.

Mister Terrific

Fine; Mister Terrific WAS exactly as bad-ass as he should be.  But why he should occasionally sound like a cast member of "Good Times' simply because he is black is beyond me and not really in character.

Metamorpho

Metamorpho looked terrible (and not in the way he is supposed to). Naturally, Andrew Carrigan was flawless in the part, because he always is.  But the character uses his powers in EXACTLY the way he CAN'T, according to every single story the character has appeared in since his inception.  It's just another piece of evidence that Gunn doesn't really care about what the characters are, but only about what function they can serve in the story he wants to tell.

Plot Twist

Believe it or not, I actually approve of the plot involving Jor-El and Lara. But I also remember that John Byrne did it first.

Plot Problems

I'm only going to list one:

Lex is desperate to make Superman look bad, eh?  But he never uses HIS OWN SUPERMAN CLONE to frame Superman?  Stupid.

Atrocious Gunnism

Oh, they were legion, I'm afraid.  Here's a few.

• Fight scenes with diegetic pop music scores.  I would have preferred simply watching Mr. Terrific kick ass, thank you.
• Supergirl as a drunken frat girl for comic relief.
• Krypto as comic relief. "What?! Krypto's out of control! That's hilarious!" No, it's not. The ONLY Krypto joke that comes close to landing is the dog's perfectly natural reaction to a T-Sphere.
• The Kents as comic relief.  Just because the Kents are "simple farm folk" doesn't mean they would use bad grammar.  
• The sadly GotG-style "Justice Gang" as comic relief. By the way, the idea that such a group would have a corporate sponsor WITHOUT yet having an agreed upon name and image is embarrassingly unrealistic.  
• Was the Justice Gang fighting a giant evil beach ball in the background of a very serious conversation supposed to be funny?  It wasn't.  But that's just about what I would expect from Gunn.
• "So is 'Gary'." Is that supposed to be funny? Not only do I not find Gunn funny, I frequently can't even recognize his attempts at humor as such.  
• Oh, no, are plunky sidekicks are about to fall off the edge of the building! Oh, whoops, it's okay!
• "I'm doing ... important stuff."  Yeah; no. Superman is not a Marvel character, Gunn.
• Clark Kent, a professional reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, completely blind-sided and nonplussed by Lois's straightforward report questions during their 'interview'?  Leading to their faux relatable-couple badinage?  Ugh. Gunn really can only write one style of character, it seems.

Many people will simply be happy to get a non-grimdark version of Superman and, yes, that's in the plus column.  I simply hope that it is the message that resounds from this film, rather than Gunn's goofy, Marvel-style take on things.