Jive Turkeys of America

I want to talk about how, 

well, how STUPID

the Golden Age Justice Society of America stories were.

Sadly, this is one of the LESS stupid ones. Be glad I didn't pick the one where they fight King Bee.

But, honestly, even READING them is wearying, let alone writing about them.  They are exactly the comics that made people think "comics are stupid and just for kids" because they WERE stupid and just for kids.

I will however share ONE sequence from the JSA story ("Food for Starving Patriots", All-Star Comics #11)  that broke me:

People always wonder why Johnny Thunder was in the JSA, especially when he basically never uses the Thunderbolt, which constitutes his superpower.
Well, his OTHER superpower was being so stupid that he never questioned the insane and/or asinine things the real heroes did, like any sensible character would.

It's not clear where these culinary miracles (which are expanded to regular size with a Special Solutiion) come from. Did Hawkman (an archeologist) invent these shrunken meals himself?! How did he do this? Where did he acquire them and how can he have them in nearly unlimited quantities?  

This certainly seems to imply that he invented and makes them.
Where did he GET the thousands of turkey dinners to begin with?
From Shayera, I assume, slaving away in the Hawk-kitchen, putting little paper crowns on the ankles of each individual roasted turkey.

You are not told.  All you needed to know, apparently, was that he had them, because Our Allies in Europe were starving during the war, and this was the excuse for eight or so sub-stories about each of the JSA members being assigned to deliver them.

Because it's just not a JSA story without ASSIGNMENTS.

And if you are wondering, "Wouldn't eight stories in a row with, essentially, the same plot get rather tedious? ", then, congratulations, you are quite correct. But here's one representative scene from each that are sure to keep you from clamoring for more!

Doc M was the party animal of the original JSA.  He was made for the night.

Yep. This is the story that comes from.

I--I'm sure he means "English P.O.W. Camp". Pretty sure, at least.

I would make fun of Atom for being a Bossy Little Top but...
Bossy Little Tops are hot.

Always one for the personal touch, the Spectre takes the time to drop two Nazis off on Pluto. Just two, though.  Don't want to hog the whole war to yourself, you know.

Johnny puts the "slow" in Czechoslovakia.

Don't you think you might have left that joke for the Sandman, Doc F?

Ah, yes, Wesley Dodds, the mysterious, haunted chemist
and all-around laugh riot.

And, once you have finished your assignment, always remember you have to turn in a written report. Yes, really.

You just know that was all Sec. Woman's idea. She's so persnickety.

The Mixed-Up Martian Powers!

In our recent visit to the 1940s Star City, we had reason to mention Apex Studios, which is, naturally enough, in Apex City, where all businesses are named after the town, the Floridian home of 

J'onn visited Apex Studios at least once in Detective 268's memorable tale of

In which, once again, J'onn's powers cause more problems than they solve.

Martian-halitosis is darned inconvenient when one of your favorite powers is Marshalation.

Car 45, where are you? "Just around the corner"; of course.  
Apex City contains many wonders, yet is really dense.
Much like J'onn himself.

What IS it in the Apex City gene pool that DOES that to their chins?

It's a riddle with no answer.

J'onn makes a sound tactical decision that also allows lets him go solo, so he can use his panoply of Martian powers unobserved, because Ares forbid that Detective Jones should just take out his service revolver and shoot some thief in the leg.

And to get out of the car as soon as possible. Even J'onn's afraid of Slade's driving.

He changes into his Martian form, because I think at this point in his evolution, he couldn't do any Martian tricks while in human form.

I mean, any tricks EXCEPT shift back to his Martian form.

Then, the most natural thing in the world happens.

A flaming meteor from space lands at J'onn's feet.

J'onn is focused on the anomalous aspect of the meteor's flames not harming him, rather than the bizarre coincidence of a flaming meteor from space landing right next to him because flaming meteors from space fall on Apex City daily.

But how on earth can that be?

I see; thank you, Explanatory Floating Head of Wonder Woman.

Weird crap happens to J'onn constantly; if he actually stopped to deal with it, he'd never get anything done, so he presses on.

I think the meteor is a remnant of the planet Rastafaria. Just like "The Brother from Another Planet". 

NOW it gets more interesting than just random meteor strikes!

The metaphor of Detective Jones as a closeted Martian is always tantalizingly JUST out of reach for me.

Tee hee, J'onn's become the Bizarro Manhunter. This'll be good.

Yes. I can imagine that easily. Something ALWAYS goes wrong,
badly wrong for J'onn.  
He's the Charlie Brown of alien super-heroes.

I KNEW the internet would not fail to provide me with the image I needed.

Sure enough, it goes even more wrong for J'onn as some workers notice him, report him to the House Committee of UnTerrestrial Activities, and he's burned at the stake like a witch.

 "I don't care what they do in the privacy of their own homes and alien bars, but do they have to GLOW in PUBLIC?"

It's little scenes like this that really hammer home the fact that the DCU, well, wasn't much of a "U" at all back in the day.  Each hero operated not merely in a vacuum, but in their own little world.  Which is terrible for J'onn, since he can't use his Marshalation in a vacuum.  It's also terrible because it means he can't simply say: "Hi, I'm an alien superhero, just like Superman, except green. One with a ridiculous allergy,  but that's not important right now."

Fortunately for J'onn, he is in the ONE PLACE where he can get away with this glowing alien bit.

At APEX MOVIE STUDIOS.

Imagine; J'onn looks exactly like a 1950s B-movie writer's idea of what an alien looks like! So, undaunted, 

Don't worry; he gets daunted pretty soon.

J'onn decides to phase through a nearby wall 

Payroll. It's always payroll.

and instead just smashes his face into it

Oops. Or, being an super-strong and indestructible alien lummox, crashes THROUGH it like he's Kool-Aid Man.

"YOU BLOCKHEAD!" shouts the director.  Actually, he blames it on the WALL, because everything on movie sets is fake and flimsy.

"AND DON'T CALL ME 'CHIEF'!"

Two power fails in a row is a pattern, so JJ decides to test his treasured lung power (Marshalation).

You probably don't floss enough, J'onn.

Just how DOES Apex Studio store its junked ships VERTICALLY?  Like J'onn, Apex City is special.

Being a detective, J'onn quickly deduces (with a little help from some starlets), that the meteor and/or its fire is the cause of his Mixed-Up Powers.

It's a Red Kryptonite story, in other words.

This presents J'onn with his WORST-CASE SCENARIO:

That is, an ORDINARY EARTH DETECTIVE who can casually crash through cement walls like he's Kool-Aid Man.

Oh, dear; the struggle is real.  Fortunately for J'onn, British comedic character actor Maurice Dallimore is on hand to steer him in the right direction.

"It is the considered opinion of Her Majesty's government that you must pursue the thief at all costs."

Sigh. J'onn.  Just turn BACK into your Earth guise as Detective Jones, take out your service revolver and SHOOT THE THIEF IN THE LEG.  Detective Jones could handle almost every situation you ever find yourself in, JJ, because your real problem is your ridiculous panoply of powers, mixed up or not.

Oh, no. A fire has broken out. In Apex City, American's Most Flammable Vacation Spot. Imagine.

Upon beginning his rescue, he immediately abandons the idea of doing it as An Ordinary Earth Detective and uses his Martian vision.

What will happen? Take a wild guess.

Oxygen-eating Vision. 
Sure, J'onn. Whatever.

Naturally, J'onn's mixed-up powers have given him exactly the ability he needs to rescue the men. At this point, just rename him Nemesis Kid or let him swallow the H Dial, why don't you.

With truly Charlie Brown levels of insecurity, J'onn notes that his colleague Slade now has the situation in hand, and concludes that he himself will be on no more use to the police and will have to quit.

"All I have is the powers of an ordinary Earth detective and the ability to walk casually through cement walls; I'm useless a police officer!"  Get some therapy, J'onn.

I'd love to just SLAP J'onn when he gets like this, but I'd only break my hand.  Besides, now that the universe has (again) brought JJ to the point of tears because he's a blockhead, it relents and gives him his powers back.

"As the Martian Manhunter reaches the wall..."
Were ya just gonna... crash through that wall, JJ, like the Kool-Aid Man again?  
Is that what you were going for?  smh

Sometimes the internet will NOT provide you just the image you need.

The Red K effect of the meteor ended once its flames died out.  Because Martian Manhunter stories always treat fire as if it's some sort of tangible, radioactive element, rather than just the result of a chemical combustion process.

Harrumph. Okay, maybe the mix-up left him unable to shapeshift back into Detective Jones. But his over-reliance on his 47 powers is still the root of his problems. 

Now, Batman would have that meteor encased in lucite, labelled, and displayed in the Hall of Trophies overnight and Superman would assign a team of robots at the Fortress of Solitude analyzing it to determine what caused the effect and whether it could be of any danger to him in the future.  The Martian Manhunter...?

To him, it was a Tuesday.

Today I learned

 Two-Face fought

the Ambiguously Gay Duo.

Who knew?

The 'Round-The-World Crimes, #3

Having pulled off his theft of the Zok Movie Studios payroll as his "visit to Spain", Bull's-Eye is on to his next target: the Red Fez Cafe!

In Star City's famous Little Morocco neighborhood, of course.

"So I figure Bull's-Eye's world tour will take place right in town!"  Boy, nothing gets past you, does it, Ollie?  I don't know why Bruce says all those things about you.

Bull's-Eye is really the master of smack talk.  The Joker's too busy throwing flunkies at Batman to say anything other than, "Get him, you fools!"

I love the idea that Star City has "many colorful foreign sections." I would definitely write it that way. But nothing usual; only ethnic neighborhoods you never actually find: Uruguaytown; Moldovaville;  Little Yakutsk; Vatican Avenue. After all, Star City deserves some unique and charming character, and Green Arrow sure doesn't provide any.

Bull's-Eye's visit to the Red Fez seems desultory, merely a pit-stop to make sure Ollie can catch up with him. His real target lies elsewhere...

I'm just not going to ask how Ollie knows the manhole outside of the Red Fez leads to Chinatown.  But I'm sure it's due to some disastrous dinner date at the Red Fez.  

Roy is awesome; probably has the entire Chinese calendar of festivals memorized, in Chinese.   Let's hope Speed Saunders is there at the festival, examining a bloody corpse in the street, and Ollie trips over him on the way out of the sewer.

Ah, yes.  The Feast of the Purple Dragon. I never miss the one here in the District.

Bull's-Eye, a planner, has already weaponized the purple dragon itself as his mean of robbing the Chinatown bank (which, as always, is closed on the Feast of Purple Dragon).

In comics, flames will melt ANYTHING.
Except Superman, of course.

This is the moment Ollie's been waiting for: the chance to do some high wire acrobatics on an arrow line. He lives for that.

Poor Roy, passive-aggressively trying to rein Ollie in at every turn, to no avail. "So, this is a bank robbery and there are already police here armed with guns, so maybe we could hang b--"
"TALLY-HOooooOOOOO!"

Meanwhile, Bull's-Eye is making good his exit via the back alley.

Oh, fer-- you're not REALLY going to fall for this, are you, Leapo?

Well, look at that. A giant target that Bull's-Eye didn't put there just happens to be in the alley blocking his getaway.  What an odd coincidence <eyeroll>.

The Green Arrow's maneuvers at this point are solid; he goes OVER the bank, having reasoned Bull's-Eye escape route is in the back.

Unless Roy suggested it off-panel. Possibly in Chinese.

Fisticuffs are a lot more effective than arrows in close quarters.

"This is too much!"
HAW! I love Bull's-Eye.

Bull's-Eye fed-up reaction at this point is priceless.  And familiar. Where have I seen this scene before...?

Oh,  yeah. Guess Frank Miller's a Bull's-Eye fan, too.

SHOOT HIM, LEAPO, SHOOT HIM!

Sorry; wrong comic.

SHOOT HIM, LE-- Oh. I guess not.
Apparently The Green Arrow is better prepared than The Batman today.

Clearly, Bull's-Eye is not prepared for the unlikely event of The Green Arrow having a brain in his head; he's got no rockets up his leg-sleeves this time!  But there is one obvious (and thematic) exit available to him; the giant target!

No toon can resist the old "Shave and a Haircut"!

Bull's-Eye can't resist jumping THROUGH the bull's-eye as a means of escape; it's just too on-point.

But...WHAT'S THIS?!

<sad trombone noise>

LMAO. Nice one, Ollie.  Somehow, in the amount of time it took Bull's-Eye to jump into the sewer outside the Red Fez, you:

• determined he was going to rob the Chinatown bank;
• deduced his likely avenue of exit;
• acquired or manufactured a giant bull's-eye sign;
• hung it in the alley behind the bank;
• alerted the police to park a paddy-wagon behind it;
• and returned with Roy to the rooftop of the building across the bank.

Yeah; no; I ain't buying it.  It's a nice idea, and if this were a Batman story, the writers would have found a way to give Batman the time to do all that.  But this is a The Green Arrow story, and he was simply allowed to catch Bull's-Eye because there were only two more panels left and it was time for the writers to head to their local Red Fez for some highballs.

Although the Joker has certainly fought The Green Arrow,

The Joker #4, 'natch.

we've never had the chance to see Bull's-Eye go up against The Batman. HOWEVER...

Yeesh; prison life was hard on Leapo.  Somebody must have cut his nose off. My money's on the Penguin.

in 1961, he WAS the person who inspired another criminal to become "The Blue Bowman" to fight Batman.

But we aren't going to waste any time on Phil Cobb.  
Bull's-Eye he ain't.