Backwards Science-Magic

 I am willing to confess that TODAY is the day I learned:

that Johnny Quick could turn OFF his speed by reciting his speed formula BACKWARDS.

And that's justcomic book logic!

Magical Marvel Moon Mystery

In The Magical Mysteries of SHAZAM! #6, Billy Batson receives the wisdom of Solomon when he becomes his superpowered alter ego.

However,

Solomon didn't understand gravity. Neither does Billy or his writer (Steve Orlando, who majored in creative writing instead of physics) since Billy's description is exactly the OPPOSITE of how gravity works.  As you plunge to the center of some large celestial body like the moon, an increasingly large amount of mass is above you--pulling you away from the center. When you reach the center of the gravitating mass... there's no more pull of gravity from the moon.  Well, more accurately, you have reached the point where the moon is pulling you equally in all directions; the combined pulls cancel one another out and the end effect is: zero gravity. 

Oom (the giant creature whom Billy has just entombed) might have difficult climbing out of that terribly deep hole (1080 miles, approximately), but it certainly won't be because of gravity. The moon's gravity, as pretty much anyone knows (or can look up) is only one sixth that of Earth's at the surface.  It wouldn't even reach that strength until Oom finally climbed to the TOP of the hole.

I know Billy's POWERS are magical, but his world should still have normal physics.

Speed Saunders and the Skull-Face Cult #5: DON'T STOP TO ARGUE!

When we last left Speed, he had swum to freedom via the underwater passage beneath the dungeon in Skull-Face's Spirit Halloween hideout, and was about to alert the State Troopers. Here's what Speed Saunders alerting the state troopers looks like:

In case you were wondering, that's Speed's badge in his hand, which apparently he takes with him in his trunks when he goes swimming on vacation.

Once again Speed has used his uber-authority to dragoon some poor placid peacekeeper into being his flunky.  "DON'T STOP TO ARGUE!"  I like to imagine Speed's given the poor man a few violent shakes to make him more amenable to persuasion.

What I find amusing is that Speed assumes Deputy Fife here has the slightest idea what he's talking about, even though the crimes in question happened 370 miles away in Saunders City.  Anyway, Speed's now has two uniforms to accompany him on his assault on Spirt Halloween.  He doesn't need their help, mind you; they're just there to marvel at how awesome Speed is.

That done, Speed calls Commissioner Safetybelt, his ostensible supervisor, who solved the murders off-panel in Speed's absence.  

Apparently this took Speed's colleagues longer than a week to figure out. No wonder Speed is famous.

Like one of the poor saps in the "USS Callister" episode of Black Mirror or the remaining inhabitants of Peaksville in the "It's A Good Life" episode of The Twilight Zone, Commissioner Safetybelt knows his entire existence hinges upon remaining in good favor with the Mad God Saunders. 

"That's a good thing you did, Speed. Real fine!"

"Peputation"? Sounds suspiciously like something Archie Andrews would have.  Let's assume he meant "reputation".  Speed's reputation is already infinite, so defeating the pathetic Skull-Face will be like spitting in the ocean.  Still, he's committed to it for the sake of The Dead Pierre, if nothing else.

Artist Fred Guardineer lavishes love on the following sequence in which Speed leads the two yokel cops in an underwater assault on Skull-Face's Spirit Halloween lair. This depiction includes a real nice slanted panel.  Golden Age comics were full of imaginative layouts.

WHO could Speed be shooting at it?!

NO! Not adorable, innocent SAM!
So long, Sam; as the fan-girls would say, you were too pure for this world.

As previously discussed, "Monster Men" are always expendable.

Officers Goofy & Max dutifully G-GAWSH at Speed's victory (or just at the giant gorilla-person in a dress), while Speed is in a hurry to pull The Fool Girl back into the plot, since we have not even SEEN her since their capture by Skull-Face, and Speed's only got a few more panels to wrap this up.  One of which is this artistic gem that really deserves to be hanging in some museum:

Or perhaps a marriage license bureau.

Fortunately, Speed finds the manager's office at Spirit Halloween right away, just in time to stop That Fool Girl from signing her fortune away, I guess. And his way of stopping her is, quite naturally, by pumping a barrage of bullets into an unarmed man's torso.

Like ya do.

Skull-Face may not be the most sophisticated of evil genius, but he IS smart enough to be wearing a bulletproof vest, which apparently gives him the power to simply walk away from Speed without being apprehended.

"Next time we meet...."
Skull-Face is VERY confident he's going to become a regular member of Speed's Rogues Gallery.

And that might have happened. He might have gotten away, it seems. If not for

Maybe Speed is powerless to stop Skull-Face from escaping but That Fool Girl is not.

Bet you didn't have THAT on your bingo card.

Yep. That Fool Girl, who has said and done nothing (other than jump into a river and go unconscious) in this entire affair, suddenly springs into action when Speeds proves ineffective and pushes Skull-Face to a watery doom. Speed doesn't seem to have anything to do with this outcome at all.  Seems like she could have done that whether Speed showed up or not.  So, Speed's colleagues solved the murders and That Fool Girl stopped the killer.

Yeah, but none of THEM look this good in swimming trunks.

Every more embarrassing for Speed, SHE does the Speedsplanation!

I guess we finally got out our answer to our earlier question of "WHO KILLED MY SISTER?!"

So... this was her plan all along. Speed was really just a supporting character in HER story.  If Speed hadn't shown up, the outcome would have been the same.  Wow.  Also, Speed seems completely uninterested in the fact that That Fool Girl just killed a man in front of him.

Lest there be any doubt of that.

Well, all's well that ends well, I suppose!  But Speed and That Fool Girl decide to pretend that it was Speed who defeated Skull-Face instead of her.

It makes Speed happy.

And it saves HER from a murder charge!

Speed Saunders and the Skull-Face Cult #4: Spirit Halloween

Yesterday I told you to imagine the titanic clash between Speed Saunders and Sam, the Gorilla-Person.  Well, today you will have to continue to do so because it happens off-panel. Yep, the very next panel after Skull-Face summoning Sam to deal with Speed's aggression shows not the battle, but simply the results of the battle.  Which is Sam carrying Speed around like a ventriloquist's dummy.

This is truly adorable.  Can't you just hear little Speed protesting that he's doesn't WANNA go to bed yet as his parental figures resolutely carry him off to his bedroom?

Skull-Face intends to show off his evil ingenuity to Speed, like he's some big villain.  But he botches his attempt at dialog in haiku, which shows just how low-rent he really is:

WHETHER YOU LIKE IT

OR NOT YOU'LL LEARN HOW A MAS-

TERMIND OPERATES.

That's just an embarrassing attempt at haiku; don't quit your day-job, Skull-Face.  But among Speed's opponents, Skull-Face is one of the closest to what we would call an actual villain, so let's indulge him and listen to his monologue.

The skeleton's a nice touch.  Plastic, no doubt.

Oh, fer-- Skull-Face is really just a villainous Avon Lady? I'm unimpressed.  

This is absurd.  Much like having eyebrows on a skull mask.

We were promised a whole CULT and all we got is this goober, some noxious Noxzema, and a gorilla in a dress.  Does he simply overcharge these wealthy girls for his product or does he extort them by threatening to withhold his villainous beauty cream if they don't ... put him in their wills?  And what about The Dead Pierre?  Was HE addicted to beauty cream?  How do you market a beauty cream that DEHYDRATES you?!  Sorry, Skull-Face; your racket somehow makes less sense than a spy ring based on coded goldfish.

Skull-Face, you see, is all style and no substance.  

The skeleton? The rat? The chain? All plastic.  Skull-Face, the Spirit Halloween villain.

I mean, how else do you explain all the little ivory skulls found by his victim's corpses? He must have placed them there himself, right? It's not like the girls went swimming with little ivory skulls in their hands.  Which means he's... lurking by the seashore, watching til one of his victims drops dead?  I'm sorry, I confess I am having trouble forcing THIS to make any sense:

Just how did this come about? THREE TIMES?!

At least S-F admits to killing The Dead Pierre, even if he offers no explanation for why.  Maybe The Dead Pierre was, like Speed, some kind of investigator and was on S-F's trail?  It's the only explanation. And how DID he kill The Dead Pierre? With poison beauty cream or a bullet to the torso? We never do find out.  This is one of those crappy horror movies where random events simply happen to scare the audience and the protagonist, and no narrative can force them to make sense in any other way.

It's Speed Saunders as directed by Mario Bava.

Left alone in a dungeon, Speed decides to escape by simply digging through the floor with his hands. 

In... Maine? Whatever, Speed. Nice view, at least.

No, really. It's a rather daring, if improbable, escape.  I suppose it's consistent with the whole watery setting of the piece and it's certainly in character for Spirit Halloween villain Skull-Face to have a dungeon with a clay floor.

But before tomorrow's exploration of what Speed does after his escape, I really need to draw your attention to this masterpiece of subtle symbolism:

With his own two hands, Speed and his eel will force themselves through your watery passage.  

Put THAT on your catalog cover, J. Crew!  

Speed Saunders and the Skull-Face Cult #3: KUNK

His Day of Pondering in The North Woods with The Dead Pierre having been interrupted by a damsel in distress, Speed is now rescuing

from a watery demise in the river.

I guess she's just unconscious, for no apparent reason.  Seems like a pretty wise choice if you're in a Speed Saunders story.

Ace Lifeguard Speed Saunders is naturally equal to the riverine emergency and swims That Fool Girl to (temporary) safety.

PHEW; they're safe. Wait, what is that orange thing emerging from a giant banana...?

Very temporary, in fact.

KUNK

Oh. It's a non-verbal Missing Link with a blackjack. Of course it is. Who works for Skull-Face of the Skull-Face Cult and is named "Sam". Yeah; yeah, that tracks.

I would comment how insane this panel is outside of context, but, really, it's more insane IN context.

So the Alley Oop character is something you'd expect would require explanation, but... you'd be wrong.   Every once in a while a character like this will turn up in a Speed Saunders story.  A big hulking subhuman to serve as the goon of some nameless mastermind.

After all, it IS where the word "goon" comes from.

It's just a Golden Age thing, and a very convenient one.  They don't need dialog, they can manhandle the hero without making him seem feeble and, when the time comes, the hero can just shoot them with impunity, because it's not like they are PEOPLE,  you know.  Nowadays, they would seem like an astonishing scientific discover that solidly trumps whatever dumb little crimes are happening in the story.  But in those days, poor creatures like Sam were just cannon fodder.

Or Sam could simply be a gorilla in a dress. Comics, you know.

I love the villain's lair set-up. "Would you care for some freshly roasted coffee beans, Mister Bond? Or perhaps some local produce?"

Where is this villain's lair? Well, presumably it's up there in The North Woods.  

Let's think about that a bit.  

The Skull-Face Cult, which has murdered three young women by the shores of New York some 370 miles away, is actually located in The North Woods, right where Speed happens to go on vacation when working on solving the murders.  And then they murder The Dead Pierre to...

to...

okay, I give up. I have zero idea why the Skull-Face Cult murdered The Dead Pierre.  It's never explained.  But it did give Speed the gift of A Day of Pondering.  I guess the Skull-Face Cult didn't want Speed to get bored or forget about them during his vacation.

My god, Speed's trapped in a Spirt Halloween store.

"I am known as Skull-Face."  You are? By whom? 

I am 100% certain one of these two is in that outfit.

Speed, utterly uncowed by the fact that he's been KUNKed on the head and is now captive at a Spirit Halloween in The North Woods, sasses the evil genius supposedly known as Skull-Face.

OMG, Sam is just SO ADORABLE.  He needs to be a plushie.

Even being nearly naked, wet, and trapped does not dim Speed's sense of his own authority.

Now you know why Sam was shown lurking in the background behind Speed.

Until tomorrow, just IMAGINE the titanic battle between Speed and Sam!

Speed Saunders and the Skull-Face Cult #2: A Day of Pondering

When we last left him, Speed Saunders, frustrated by the lack of progress in his current serial killer case, had absconded to The North Woods to vacation with his friend, Pierre (whom we have not yet seen), who is unaccountably late.  Speeds decides to take the canoe and go fishing without Pierre. Even though fishing from a canoe is a very bad idea. But...

What the heck can be wrong with a canoe?  Does it have a hole in it?

Without his telephone to chat with him, Speed just sort of narrates his own life. Who better?

"WHO KILLED MY SISTER?! WAS IT YOU?!?!?

See? I told you trying to fish from a canoe was a bad idea.. Well, at least the canoe doesn't have a hole in it; what it has in it is:

Of course it does.

What on earth?!  Who could have killed The Dead Pierre? This can't possibly have anything to do with the Skull-Face Cult killings, which took place over 300 miles away.

OR CAN IT...?!

Obviously, the corpse of Speed's (late) friend The Dead Pierre should lead to an immediate investigation with all the local authorities and put an end to Speed's vacation.  But what it actually leads to is... a Day of Pondering.

Yeah. Speed that Funny Air of Mystery is probably the stench of The Dead Pierre's body, which you left rotting back at the cabin while you posed for J. Crew's swimsuit catalog.

No, I did not skip anything; that is literally the next panel.  I guess Speed just left The Dead Pierre's body rotting back at the cabin for a day so he could go swimming to clear his head.  Speed invented nonchalance, people. Honi soit qui mal y pense.

Yet the plot must advance, so while Speed is swimming by the light of the silvery banana, who should come along but...

A Useful Female Informant!

Speed, who was about to go swimming alone, is incensed because this walk-on character dares to do the same... but she's a DAME!  The noive.  Then she does the ONE thing no one in the Saundersverse is EVER allowed to get away with...

SHE DISREGARDS SPEED SAUNDERS.

Dang. I don't know who this spunky gal is, but I like her already. Gal's got MOXIE and a swimming outfit to go with it.  Well, if there's a place to have Moxie, The North Woods would certainly be it.

Speed, you may remember, began his existence as an agent of the River Patrol (although that's long since been forgotten at this point).  But it has left him with a vestigial sense of guardianship over all bodies of water and their users.  Speed is life's lifeguard.

THAT
FOOL
GIRL!

I am sure That Fool Girl, who seems like a confident swimmer, was in no trouble at all until Speed decided she SHOULD be, at which point the Saundersverse rearranged itself to match Speed's idea.  "I lost The Dead Pierre; I'm not going to lose you, too, Fool Girl!"

You know what we be both awesome and typical for an SS story?  If That Fool Girl were already DEAD. She's not, though.

Even in the urgent situation that Speeds has conjured up out of nowhere, That Fool Girl cannot stare into Speed's Face of Judgement and so closes her eyes, bracing for his rescue.  But, surely, Lifeguard Saunders will save her and all will be well and the danger will be over.

Tomorrow: KUNK

Speed Saunders and the Skull-Face Cult #1: A Definite Plot

It begins with a lovely lady sunning herself by the sea.

OR DOES IT...?!

It does not. Because that lovely lady is, in fact, a lovely corpse, who died in the most decoratively dramatic pose possible.  Really; that entire panel is a work of true art.  

But, meanwhile, an hour later...

"A definite plot." Gee, ya think, Officer Dullard?  No wonder Speed is considered an Ace Investigator in his world.

Speed checks for "symptoms", the main one being, I suppose, that she's been dead an hour (at which point the body is already getting...unpleasant).

Heart failure? Did your little notebook tell you that, Speed? Did you have the corpse's stomach pumped off-panel?

By the way, if that Seashore is really that Lonely, how were the cops notified in time to show up a mere hour after the murder? These are the kind of details the readers of Speed Saunders' stories are simply not privy to.

"SQUIRREL!"

Speed, who misses nothing, notices a Really Obvious Clue.

I am not going to make a joke about the absurd clue.
Just pausing to note again: this panel is ART, people.

So usually, this corpse-confrontation would lead to some rapid speedstigation, with more bodies and suspects and clues.  But instead...

Seven DAYS?!  Speed is accustomed to wrapping things up in fewer than seven PAGES.  Naturally, after working (?) on the same case for a week, Speed is Fed Up With The Whole Thing.  So, he decides to do one of the things he does best:

Go on vacation.

How do we know that Speed is talking to his supervisor, Commission Safetybelt, rather than just a random cop at a desk? The cigar. Only a Boss would have a cigar.

Note that, naturally, Speed does not ASK to go on vacation. He simply INFORMS you that he is going on vacation and you should feel grateful he took the time to tell you.  I pity Commissioner Safetybelt, who's left to explain to the victims' families, that, although his best man was on the case, he gave up after a week and went mountaineering.

So Speed goes on vacation where he always go on vacation: The North Woods.

With that sleek design, the Speedmobile is equal to the challenge of any incline.

In literally no time, Speed is at a rustic cabin surveying his domain: reality.

There's a lot going on in this panel. Let's break it down...

Speed is now clearly in The North Woods, and, as we already know, that means bad things are going to happen.  Weird bad things.  Killer sleds. Scarecrow skiers.  Stuff like that.

Speed intends to go fishing.  Is there some significance to this action?  Is reeling in fish corpses from the water symbolic of the deaths of the victims as they emerged from the water? No, I think Speed just likes fishing, which is a fast and tasty way to legally surround yourself with corpses.

Speed thinks you can go fishing in a canoe. That is not what canoes are for, Speed. They do not provide the stability and room required to wrangle any substantial fish on your line into your craft.  Do not go fishing in a canoe.

Speed was supposed to meet someone here, named Pierre (who, I hope, knows not to fish from a canoe). Who is Pierre? Is he just a friend and does Speed have those?  We know he is a native to The North Woods, because of his French-Canadian name.  Does he have some connection to the case? Pay no attention to that. For now.

There are three tree stumps prominently figured. Why? Because stumps are, essentially, corpses of trees. They are evidence that trees have been murdered.  They might be there simply so that Speed is surrounded by corpses (what better environment to welcome him?). But I assert that they are representations of the Three Victims who have already been felled, cut down in their prime by the Skull-Face Cult.  They symbolize not only what has driven Speed to vacation in The North Woods, but also the fact that he has not really escaped it at all!  Is it just that these deaths haunt him or is it a sign of a more concrete connection?  We shall see.

There is a blood-red canoe under the porch. But pay no attention to that. For now.

Last, there is Speed's outfit.  Mere words would only detract from its glorious absurdity. Just appreciate that Speed (who is, don't forget, not merely an Ace Investigator, but a perfectly handsome and buff underwear model) can look good in ANYTHING, which is what models do.  This is why he wears so many ridiculous outfits: because he can.

Speed does his Ace Investigating for free. His real money comes from J. Crew.

Tomorrow, Speed's photoshoot ends and his vacation takes a quick turn into nightmare territory.