Tuesday, May 15, 2012

At room temp'rature

If you are familiar at all with those wacky creations of DC's late Silver Age, the Metal Men, then you've probably seem them do their standard "introposition" spiels. 

Whenever you see them do this (they do it in almost every story), you barely pay attention because it's become so formulaic.  Particularly Mercury's "did I ever mention that Mercury is the only metal etc." routine.

So would you notice if it were...

a haiku?


I'm assuming Mercury pronounces "temperature" with only three syllables, because, well, that's how everyone pronounces it.

We all know Mercury's the snooty one, but don't the other Metal Men deserve their own haikus?  Can you write them each their own haikus of self-introduction?

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So many haikus, so little time:

Doctor Will Magnus
Makes men of metal
The guy is insane.

Poor Platinum 'bot
Full of unrequited love
Doc thinks she's broken.

T- T- T- T- Tin
Can't get out a w- w- word
This is too easy.

Hi folks, I am Gold.
I'm really arrogant, too.
'Cause I'm so pretty.

I am Mercury
Forget the liquid metal
Doc makes me melt, too.

Iron is probably
The most useful Metal Man
Give him his own book.

I'm Lead, I told you.
A shield against harmful rays
Or a paperweight.

Whew! I'm haiku'ed out.
What if... the Metal
Men got a new D.C. book?
Eight issues and done.
You're too good for Doc.
I'll always love you, Tina!
Clank away with me!
Warning: The following contains inapproriate use of the haiku form and foul language.

Iron here. Just think
how I'd look if I'd been drawn
by Tom of Finland.

It's me, Mercury,
Voted most likely to be
kicked off the island.

Yeah, I'm Lead. So what?
Give me any crap, I'll pull
a Mon-El on you.

I'm Gold -- by my own
admission I'm just looking
to get pounded hard.

I'm T-T-Ti-T-
T-Ti--oh, f**k it.
Yeah, honestly, I always kind of wondered about Iron and Gold. You know, in their private time...
Although I am weak
My stutter makes haikus easy
See what I M-mean?

Industry? Iron.
Lovers? Misers? Gold.
Poison? Bullets? Me.

I'm Mercury, and
None need know I used to make
Cats dance in Japan

For the last time, NO!
You may NOT purchase my toe,

Hmmm...Perhaps I should!
It works for Doc Manhattan...
Go! Pantsless Iron!

Afterthought girlfriend
Bottle-blonde, credit-card name
Think a male wrote me?
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