The 'Round-the-World Crimes, #2

Having been disparaged in the newspaper as a "local yokel", that baleful buffoon, BULL'S-EYE, has resolved to commit a series of " 'round-the-world" crimes ... without ever leaving town!  

A plan, which seems only to EMPHASIZE the newspaper's point, not refute it.  
But I do have not have a Golden Age brain.

Naturally, Bull's-Eye has to advertise this plan to the word (and to The Green Arrow).

"The Green Arrow will stop him!"
We are all of us born into this world with the trusting innocence and naiveté of a Star City citizen.

Now that The Green Arrow and his sidekick know Bull's-Eye new M.O., they conduct an exhaustive analysis of his potential targets, warn those places and make arrangements to be immediately contacted directly in case of a Bull's-Eye attack.  Meanwhile, they methodically search all the abandoned warehouses, which, by law, all villains must hide out in.

Yes, Roy; knowing how and where a criminal is going to strike IS a great help in crimefighting.  Next time you see Bull's-Eye, perhaps you can politely ask him to somehow indicate where his next target it. Oh, wait, I forgot; HE ALREADY DOES THAT..

Nah, just kidding.  They do none of that because The Green Arrow is not a detective.  They just cruise around town in the gigantic Arrowcar, hoping they see one of Bull's-Eye signs that indicate where he will strike.

Or wait for the police to tell them where to go.
I'm sure there are a lot of police in Star City eager to tell The Green Arrow where to go.

I am enthralled by the name "ZOK" studios, one of the most counterintuitive in-story business names I have even seen.  Sure, nowadays, you might name a movie studio "Zok" as part of positioning its brand as a wacky outsider, a producer of exciting and unusual films.  But this is August of 1947 and one does not do that.  Movie studio names must reflect Size, Height, or Quality: Mammoth, Zenith, Utmost, Superior, Colossal, Apex.

And we all know EXACTLY where Apex Studios is.

I guess all the good names were taken by decent studios in serious cities like Coast City and Apex City, leaving Star City with only crappy names left like "Zok". So Zok-ward head the Quivering Duo, where Bull's-Eye is attacking the set of a bullfighting picture.

There's an interesting detail here I want to focus on.  At first, the film-makers are distressed at the interruption of their film-making. UNTIL...

"Relax! It's just that baleful buffoon Bull's-Eye!

They thought that they had reason to be upset; UNTIL they realized it was "just Bull's-Eye".  So either the Star City public doesn't take Bull's-Eye seriously (can you imagine?) or they are simply ON HIS SIDE, which is a measure of the popularity of The Green Arrow.

Points to Zok Motion Picture Studio for hiring culturally authentic actors.

Jeez, Bull's-Eye works that "costs a dime if you miss" bit to DEATH.  One day, I'd like to see Ollie take him at his word and, suddenly remembering that he's extremely wealthy, just unload a dump-truck of dimes on him, likely killing him with comic book irony.

It worked on Rocky Grimes, after all.

I'm actually impressed by what The Green Arrow does next. He ignores Bull's-Eye, who is clearly just trying to draw all the attention to himself, and focuses on stopping the henchmen, who are meanwhile robbing Zok Studios.

Payroll. It's always payroll.  Being a crook in the Golden Age was SO EASY.  No wonder they ran around Issuing Challenges and Daring The Authorities To Stop Them.

This, however, is where Bull's-Eye shows he's actually a clever villain rather than just a dumb crook. One of the readers of this blog is a long-time friend with whom I have worked many times, including producing some very complicated (but wildly successful and profitable) stage productions, and we have been asked repeatedly for The Secret of Our Success.  Naturally, there were many factors, but we always simply point out that, unlike everyone else, we assumed that some things would go wrong, and we PLANNED for it.  So, too, Bull's-Eye:

Bull's-Eye already ASSUMES The Green Arrow will catch his stooges.  In fact, he's counting on it.

I love the fact that riding a bull, and directing its course, is child's play for Bull's-Eye.  Bull's-Eye isn't the Joker's rival; he's the Joker's IDOL. Poor Joker; he'd love to be a carefree, laughing crime-clown, but he lives in Gotham City.  There, you have to rack up a substantial body count before the police, let alone, Batman will give you any attention.

"Not yet, Dick; the body count is still single-digit.  We mustn't dilute our brand."

Bull's-Eye merrily rides the bull through a fence and away from the studio, BUT The Green Arrow is also prepared with his anti-bull arrows!

We don't actually see The Green Arrow stop the bull, which happens between panels.  I assume Ollie, who, always remember, is a American tribal anthropologist, and Roy, who, always remember, was raised within such a tribe, simply shot it dead and justified it by making sure they used every part of the bull, letting nothing go to waste.  Regardless, Bull's-Eye was even prepared in case the bull got shot!

He has ... rockets up his legs and flying squirrel wings in his costume?  Bull's-Eye's the BEST.

How does he land safely? Please; dude invented parkour, while being shot at. He's ain't called "Leapo" for nothing.

Tomorrow: The Green Arrow gets two more shots at The Bull's-Eye!

"The "Round-the-World Crimes!", #1

 Let us visit our favorite time-stranded hero,

Yes, in the Golden Age, they called him "THE Green Arrow".  Not just in the logos, but the characters in the story did it, too.  If you think "The Batman" sounds silly, try saying "The Green Arrow" every time.

I say "time-stranded" because we must never forget that current continuity asserts that our modern-day Ollie (and Roy) were stranded in time (the 1940s, specifically).  I forget how and why, because I don't care. What I care about is the fact that THESE Golden Age The Green Arrow stories aren't some Earth-2 version of Ollie; they are actually OUR Ollie.  Meaning that Ollie adapted to the 1940s with GUSTO and appears to have loved it.  No whining about 'fat cats' and 'the little people'.  Just fighting dumb-@$$ villains like The Octopus.  It makes me love The Green Arrow.  Kind of.

Another character I love is The Green Arrow's nemesis, the hilariously unsubtle Joker-manqué, "Bull's-Eye", whom he faces off against in today's tale,

"The 'Round-the-World Crimes"
In the Golden Age, they still remember that it's actually "around-the-world" and accordingly used an apostrophe when dropping the "a".  

I appreciate how the "crime clown" motif was adapted for The Green Arrow.  Bull's-Eye is a former circus clown acrobat.

I can't tell you how much I love the name "Leapo".  
This being the DCU, I bet his real name is Lee Povitch.

He is so agile that the Quivering Duo can't hit him with their arrows.   This angle makes him a perfect foil for The Green Arrow and just different enough from the Joker to be his own man.

This Bull's-Eye story, however, is PARTICULARLY Jokeresque, as you will see.

"That Baleful Buffoon" isn't as awesome a sobriquet as "The Harlequin of Hate", but everything in Star City just hews to a lower standard.

One of the Joker's earliest schticks was announcing his crimes (and the murders that facilitated them) in advance as act of bravado, daring the authorities to stop him.

There's no reason work should be boring, you know.

The Joker does this for giggles.  Bull's-Eye does it out of necessity, because otherwise there is zero chance The Green Arrow would ever get near him.

Star City's motto: "We Grade On A Curve."

Bull's-Eye literally places a bull's-eye symbol to mark the place he intends to target, so that The Green Arrow can't miss.  Ollie's a phenomenal archer, but, as previously discussed, he's not really a detective.

Ollie and Roy costume up and head to the Tourism Agency, where, exactly as advertised, Bull's-Eye is pulling a caper.  

So, how long do you think Bull's-Eye & Co. had to kill time at World Tours Inc., waiting for the The Green Arrow to finally show up?
"Mr. Eye, perhaps you'd be interested in bundling a trip with hotel and rental car arrangements? It saves money and maximizes your freedom abroad!"

Note that there's none of that "THE Green Arrow" nonsense for Bull's-Eye. He has zero respect for or fear of Ollie.  I wouldn't be surprised if he already KNOWS Oliver Queen is the Green Arrow and just doesn't want to spoil the fun.  Bull's-Eye is everything the Joker wants to be and doesn't need to kill anybody to prove it.

"For the thrill!" = out of pity

Ollie and Roy do their usual "pin 'em to the wall with arrows" bit.

"It's South America for me!"
"It's <blank> for me!" is classic Golden Age prose. You hear it at least once in every JSA story, even though I don't think any real person has ever used the phrase this way.

Next comes this disturbingly ribald interchange:

"Can I choose... both?"

Bull's-Eye brushes off The Green Arrow's empty threat and leap(o)s off to freedom.

C'mon; you know the Joker is never actually this much fun.

I don't know how The Green Arrow wound up ass-on-floor during that interchange, and I don't care.  It's just the natural result of Leapo, a buffoon by choice, interacting with The Green Arrow, a buffoon by nature.

But now the story gets VERY Joker-y.

"Local yokel"? Yowtch.

Usually, I am inclined to be very sympathetic toward Leapo for his lack of recognition (and a decent challenge). But, realistically... YOU were the one who chose to be The Green Arrow's nemesis, Leapo. Don't be surprised when that doesn't exactly earn you a world of respect.

There's nothing more Jokerish than getting pissy about poor press and then coming up with a scheme to turn that situation around (thematically, if possible).

"Gotham City will rue the day it mentioned the word BONER!"
I think we all rue that day, Joker.

Please stop texting me these pics, Joker. You're no Jared Leto.

So, too, then, Bull's-Eye, who decides to stab back at the idea that he's just a "local" by promising a ROUND-THE-WORLD crime-spree. WITHOUT LEAVING TOWN!

See, the Joker (or even the Penguin) would have just shot that guy on the spot.  But Star City simply doesn't have enough suitable manpower to enable such behavior.

Tomorrow we learn just what Bull's-Eye has in mind (and how he helps The Green Arrow keep up with him).

Backwards Science-Magic

 I am willing to confess that TODAY is the day I learned:

that Johnny Quick could turn OFF his speed by reciting his speed formula BACKWARDS.

And that's justcomic book logic!

Magical Marvel Moon Mystery

In The Magical Mysteries of SHAZAM! #6, Billy Batson receives the wisdom of Solomon when he becomes his superpowered alter ego.

However,

Solomon didn't understand gravity. Neither does Billy or his writer (Steve Orlando, who majored in creative writing instead of physics) since Billy's description is exactly the OPPOSITE of how gravity works.  As you plunge to the center of some large celestial body like the moon, an increasingly large amount of mass is above you--pulling you away from the center. When you reach the center of the gravitating mass... there's no more pull of gravity from the moon.  Well, more accurately, you have reached the point where the moon is pulling you equally in all directions; the combined pulls cancel one another out and the end effect is: zero gravity. 

Oom (the giant creature whom Billy has just entombed) might have difficult climbing out of that terribly deep hole (1080 miles, approximately), but it certainly won't be because of gravity. The moon's gravity, as pretty much anyone knows (or can look up) is only one sixth that of Earth's at the surface.  It wouldn't even reach that strength until Oom finally climbed to the TOP of the hole.

I know Billy's POWERS are magical, but his world should still have normal physics.

Speed Saunders and the Skull-Face Cult #5: DON'T STOP TO ARGUE!

When we last left Speed, he had swum to freedom via the underwater passage beneath the dungeon in Skull-Face's Spirit Halloween hideout, and was about to alert the State Troopers. Here's what Speed Saunders alerting the state troopers looks like:

In case you were wondering, that's Speed's badge in his hand, which apparently he takes with him in his trunks when he goes swimming on vacation.

Once again Speed has used his uber-authority to dragoon some poor placid peacekeeper into being his flunky.  "DON'T STOP TO ARGUE!"  I like to imagine Speed's given the poor man a few violent shakes to make him more amenable to persuasion.

What I find amusing is that Speed assumes Deputy Fife here has the slightest idea what he's talking about, even though the crimes in question happened 370 miles away in Saunders City.  Anyway, Speed's now has two uniforms to accompany him on his assault on Spirt Halloween.  He doesn't need their help, mind you; they're just there to marvel at how awesome Speed is.

That done, Speed calls Commissioner Safetybelt, his ostensible supervisor, who solved the murders off-panel in Speed's absence.  

Apparently this took Speed's colleagues longer than a week to figure out. No wonder Speed is famous.

Like one of the poor saps in the "USS Callister" episode of Black Mirror or the remaining inhabitants of Peaksville in the "It's A Good Life" episode of The Twilight Zone, Commissioner Safetybelt knows his entire existence hinges upon remaining in good favor with the Mad God Saunders. 

"That's a good thing you did, Speed. Real fine!"

"Peputation"? Sounds suspiciously like something Archie Andrews would have.  Let's assume he meant "reputation".  Speed's reputation is already infinite, so defeating the pathetic Skull-Face will be like spitting in the ocean.  Still, he's committed to it for the sake of The Dead Pierre, if nothing else.

Artist Fred Guardineer lavishes love on the following sequence in which Speed leads the two yokel cops in an underwater assault on Skull-Face's Spirit Halloween lair. This depiction includes a real nice slanted panel.  Golden Age comics were full of imaginative layouts.

WHO could Speed be shooting at it?!

NO! Not adorable, innocent SAM!
So long, Sam; as the fan-girls would say, you were too pure for this world.

As previously discussed, "Monster Men" are always expendable.

Officers Goofy & Max dutifully G-GAWSH at Speed's victory (or just at the giant gorilla-person in a dress), while Speed is in a hurry to pull The Fool Girl back into the plot, since we have not even SEEN her since their capture by Skull-Face, and Speed's only got a few more panels to wrap this up.  One of which is this artistic gem that really deserves to be hanging in some museum:

Or perhaps a marriage license bureau.

Fortunately, Speed finds the manager's office at Spirit Halloween right away, just in time to stop That Fool Girl from signing her fortune away, I guess. And his way of stopping her is, quite naturally, by pumping a barrage of bullets into an unarmed man's torso.

Like ya do.

Skull-Face may not be the most sophisticated of evil genius, but he IS smart enough to be wearing a bulletproof vest, which apparently gives him the power to simply walk away from Speed without being apprehended.

"Next time we meet...."
Skull-Face is VERY confident he's going to become a regular member of Speed's Rogues Gallery.

And that might have happened. He might have gotten away, it seems. If not for

Maybe Speed is powerless to stop Skull-Face from escaping but That Fool Girl is not.

Bet you didn't have THAT on your bingo card.

Yep. That Fool Girl, who has said and done nothing (other than jump into a river and go unconscious) in this entire affair, suddenly springs into action when Speeds proves ineffective and pushes Skull-Face to a watery doom. Speed doesn't seem to have anything to do with this outcome at all.  Seems like she could have done that whether Speed showed up or not.  So, Speed's colleagues solved the murders and That Fool Girl stopped the killer.

Yeah, but none of THEM look this good in swimming trunks.

Every more embarrassing for Speed, SHE does the Speedsplanation!

I guess we finally got out our answer to our earlier question of "WHO KILLED MY SISTER?!"

So... this was her plan all along. Speed was really just a supporting character in HER story.  If Speed hadn't shown up, the outcome would have been the same.  Wow.  Also, Speed seems completely uninterested in the fact that That Fool Girl just killed a man in front of him.

Lest there be any doubt of that.

Well, all's well that ends well, I suppose!  But Speed and That Fool Girl decide to pretend that it was Speed who defeated Skull-Face instead of her.

It makes Speed happy.

And it saves HER from a murder charge!

Speed Saunders and the Skull-Face Cult #4: Spirit Halloween

Yesterday I told you to imagine the titanic clash between Speed Saunders and Sam, the Gorilla-Person.  Well, today you will have to continue to do so because it happens off-panel. Yep, the very next panel after Skull-Face summoning Sam to deal with Speed's aggression shows not the battle, but simply the results of the battle.  Which is Sam carrying Speed around like a ventriloquist's dummy.

This is truly adorable.  Can't you just hear little Speed protesting that he's doesn't WANNA go to bed yet as his parental figures resolutely carry him off to his bedroom?

Skull-Face intends to show off his evil ingenuity to Speed, like he's some big villain.  But he botches his attempt at dialog in haiku, which shows just how low-rent he really is:

WHETHER YOU LIKE IT

OR NOT YOU'LL LEARN HOW A MAS-

TERMIND OPERATES.

That's just an embarrassing attempt at haiku; don't quit your day-job, Skull-Face.  But among Speed's opponents, Skull-Face is one of the closest to what we would call an actual villain, so let's indulge him and listen to his monologue.

The skeleton's a nice touch.  Plastic, no doubt.

Oh, fer-- Skull-Face is really just a villainous Avon Lady? I'm unimpressed.  

This is absurd.  Much like having eyebrows on a skull mask.

We were promised a whole CULT and all we got is this goober, some noxious Noxzema, and a gorilla in a dress.  Does he simply overcharge these wealthy girls for his product or does he extort them by threatening to withhold his villainous beauty cream if they don't ... put him in their wills?  And what about The Dead Pierre?  Was HE addicted to beauty cream?  How do you market a beauty cream that DEHYDRATES you?!  Sorry, Skull-Face; your racket somehow makes less sense than a spy ring based on coded goldfish.

Skull-Face, you see, is all style and no substance.  

The skeleton? The rat? The chain? All plastic.  Skull-Face, the Spirit Halloween villain.

I mean, how else do you explain all the little ivory skulls found by his victim's corpses? He must have placed them there himself, right? It's not like the girls went swimming with little ivory skulls in their hands.  Which means he's... lurking by the seashore, watching til one of his victims drops dead?  I'm sorry, I confess I am having trouble forcing THIS to make any sense:

Just how did this come about? THREE TIMES?!

At least S-F admits to killing The Dead Pierre, even if he offers no explanation for why.  Maybe The Dead Pierre was, like Speed, some kind of investigator and was on S-F's trail?  It's the only explanation. And how DID he kill The Dead Pierre? With poison beauty cream or a bullet to the torso? We never do find out.  This is one of those crappy horror movies where random events simply happen to scare the audience and the protagonist, and no narrative can force them to make sense in any other way.

It's Speed Saunders as directed by Mario Bava.

Left alone in a dungeon, Speed decides to escape by simply digging through the floor with his hands. 

In... Maine? Whatever, Speed. Nice view, at least.

No, really. It's a rather daring, if improbable, escape.  I suppose it's consistent with the whole watery setting of the piece and it's certainly in character for Spirit Halloween villain Skull-Face to have a dungeon with a clay floor.

But before tomorrow's exploration of what Speed does after his escape, I really need to draw your attention to this masterpiece of subtle symbolism:

With his own two hands, Speed and his eel will force themselves through your watery passage.  

Put THAT on your catalog cover, J. Crew!