Speed Saunders and the Lost Ape

I'm sure that in your idle moments you have wondered what would happen if Speed Saunders took on a gorilla.  Let's find out!

What? Me, worry?

Sordid? Ew. What makes them say the waterfront is sordid?

DEAD END for these city kids. Officer Krupe Speed ain't.

Nothing sordid about an adult watching of bunch of semi-naked and naked boys cavorting in the toxic waterside of a major city.  Besides, these are Speed's pals.

Naked boy's on a first-name basis with The Speed Saunders and they are gorilla-gawking pals.  He's the Jimmy Olsen of the Saundersverse.

Not a ton, by the way; 500 lbs, tops.  Still, that doesn't look like an especially safe way to escort a gorilla.

I wonder where they are taking him!

In the Saundersverse, that's the same as a menagerie (or "zoo").

But the gorilla's stay at the zoo will be very short!

Well ,THAT's creepy. Even for a gorilla-napping.

The gorilla's disappearance causes alarm.

That is one ominous inky blackness.

That's a pretty cool use of the real-world headline clippings.  Whatever you can think of, the Golden Age probably did it first and you've just never seen it.

Fortunately, Golden Age citizens are a pretty jaded lot, so it's not like they are going to

Hm.  I guess gorillas were still relatively uncommon in comics at that point.

Speculation runs wild; where could an escaped gorilla have gone?

I really wish those two ladies had become recurring characters, just popping in for a synchronized "OMIGOSH" when appropriate (and, really, there are few points in any Speed Saunders story where OMIGOSH would NOT be an appropriate thing to say).

Their speculation is all in vain, for none would guess that the gorilla is DRIVING AWAY INTO THE COUNTRYSIDE MILES FROM THE ZOO.

Okay, fine; he's not driving. At least, I can't SEE whether's he driving.  

Turns out the gorilla has been kidnapped by a MAD SCIENTIST.

How dramatic!

Hm, don't think I've seen a mad scientist in a Speed Saunders story before.  But like Terentius Afer, nothing human (or even SIMIAN) is alien to Speed Saunders. So, naturally he gets assigned to the case.

At this point, they were still clinging to the charade that Speed Saunders was answerable to others and had to be "assigned" to cases. How quaint.

What does a mad scientist want a gorilla for? BRAIN SURGERY, what else?

Hm. I guess Dolores Winters wasn't available.

Note that this is nearly 15 years before The Gorilla Boss of Gotham did this and FORTY years before the Ultra-Humanite pulled this trick.

NEVER forget the Gorilla Boss of Gotham. Those who do are condemned to repeat him.

But actually, these mad scientists aren't transplanting any of their own brains into the gorilla; just... "a brain".  And even THAT isn't quite right because when the gorilla awakens, he doesn't think he's a human who OMIGOSH has been put in the body of a gorilla. 

Step 1. Obtain one (1) gorilla and one (1) human brain.
Step 2. Combine them by means of mad science.
Step 3. Get rich off this, somehow. And show all those fools who said you were mad, MAD!

No. He's just... a gorilla who suddenly has the intelligence of a human.  Maybe the scientist just squeezed the smart-juice out of the human brain and into the gorilla brain.  I don't know how these things work. I'm no brain surgeon, after all.

This is what happens when doctors don't have sufficient nursing staff.

Jeez, these scientists didn't really plan much beyond "finish surgery", and off to lunch they went, leaving their simian subject to wander off into the Saundersverse.

Sounds like they could have used some more brain juice.

What DO you do if you're a post-op gorilla with a human mind and poor grammar?  Obviously, you hop a freight train.

It's still a Speed Saunders story, after all; gotta move things along.

Then, in what seems increasing like a funny animal comic, the gorilla goes to a construction site to take a nap, because, I dunno, maybe it reminds him of Borneo.

PANIC!

Apparently, whatever little rest the gorilla got did wonders, at least for his elocution.

I swear that "Hey, what ails these people" is the single funniest thing I have ever seen a gorilla say.

Weapons are procured and the gorilla is chased, much to his growing consternation.

See, in a Captain Marvel comic, this funny guy would wind up befriending Billy Batson.  But Billy does not hang out with the boys who swim naked under the watchful eye of ace investigators.

But there's a reason for that old Borneo saying: "Jangan sekali-kali mengetuk gorila pintar di tapak pembinaan."

"Never corner an intelligent gorilla in a construction site."

Bet none of you chose "gorilla throws dynamite" in your What Happens Next betting pool.  But don't worry; I mean, it's not like a gorilla can accurately hit anybody with a stick of dynamite.

Sewers, however, are pretty easy targets.

So, we're going to ignore the fact that dynamite doesn't explode from concussion; it requires a trigger mechanism.

It looks something like this.

Scientifically accurate or not, the gorilla has just killed Many People, which makes him... Speed Saunders' most dangerous foe. Didn't see that coming.

There is a LOT of cartoon physics going on in this story.

These events do not endear humanity to our now grouchy gorilla and he swears vengeance, like Frankenstein's scorned monster.

The bandage is a nice touch.

Would've gotten back on the freight train myself.

And whom does he find back at the waterfront?

THE DEAD END KIDS.

But, against all reason, Speed intuited that gorilla would return there and has been lying in wait. Or he's just there hanging out watching adolescent boys fish.  Speed's a strange guy.

"I'll just watch quietly while he rends the brunet limb from limb.  
Then I'll save the blond kid, whom I like."

At this very early point in Speed's career, the writer (Gardner Fox, btw) was still making things happened at the waterfront, because ORIGINALLY Speed is supposed to be with the River Patrol.  It's a few more issues before Speed's apotheosis and he becomes the Platonic Ideal of Authority, capable of intervening in any situation, commandeering any vehicle, and subordinating any uniformed personnel, because, well, it's just FASTER, dang it.

SLOWLY?!  Remember this panel well, folks. It is the last time you will ever see Speed Saunders do anything "slowly".

A trap? Okay, that's more Speed-like.  I guess all the while the gorilla's been killing scores of people downtown, Speed's been at the central branch of the metropolitan library, researching gorilla traps, probably in the original Malaysian.  I can't wait to see what he's cooked up!

There aren't a LOT of wordless Speed Saunders panels, but each one is a context-free masterpiece of incomprehensibility.

TIME TO SPRING SPEED'S TRAP!

<eyeroll>

Really, Speed? You just magically called forth a bunch of Keystone Cops with billy clubs, as if you were a Heroclix figure with the special power to generate free bystander pogs?  And you thought that would capture a 500-pound intelligent gorilla? You need to leave the waterfront beat pronto, so you can spend more time at the library instead of watching naked boys swimming. 

Fortunately someone ELSE is there to take command of the situation!

THE MAD SCIENTIST!  Must have lunched near the Waterfront.

Phew!  As this creature's creator he'll be able to settle things down.

"I, Roskoffin, The Great Scientist!"
I love the Golden Age.

The Creature, overwhelmed by the desire for the loving approval of his Creator, embraces him in weeping relief!

Or..."BOP!"  Looks like the gorilla intends to put the 'coffin' in Roskoffin, or vice versa.

Wow. It's almost as if the mad scientist who decided to Tamper In God's Domain was dangerously overconfident. Lesson: if you are in Speed Saunders story do not try to exert any authority unless YOU are Speed Saunders.

Whoa. 

OMIGOSH! Is this where Speed does something amazing to stop the gorilla and save the scientist?

Hm. Apparently not.

So. No Speedsplanation.  No bizarre leaps of deduction (unless you count the "I figured he'd come back to the waterfront").  No gunfights. No fistfights.  No tesseracting.  No shadow-traveling.  No stomach-pumping.  Speed... doesn't do anything. At all.  Speed serves no narrative purpose in his own story.  It's not that the story didn't require Speed; it didn't require ANY protagonist AT ALL. 

Just when I think there's nothing Speed can do to surprise me...

Speed does nothing. And thereby surprises me.  You win again, Speed Saunders.

Things That Annoyed Me...

in JLA this week.

• Page 1, panel 1. The JLA justs leave holograms up and running all the time, apparently. Do they leave the TV on all the time, too?
• Page1, panel 2. Is it just me or is the dialog here nonsensical?
• Page 1, panel 3. "Reddy's been a bit withdrawn". As Dorothy Parker said when Calvin Coolidge died, "How can you tell?"
• Page 1, panel 4. Mr. Terrific isn't sneaky and manipulative. He's also not as obsessed with Red Tornado as Brad Meltzer is.
• Page 2, panel 1. Okay; I guess they do leave the TV on.
• Page 2, panel 2. So, neither Batman nor Mr. Terrific noticed the detachable lighting rods? Uh-huh.
• Page 2, panel 3. "If you need to sleep, I can have Sandman ..." What? Gas her? Jeez, Doc, no wonder you lost your license. Just give her a couch and a pillow.
• Page 3, panel 5. Of course life is sometimes random; that's part of the point. That's how you know that what happened to the Legionnaires was planned. Why is Batman spouting inaccurate aphorisms? Is Alfred feeding him fortune cookies?
• Page 4, panel 1. When did the JLA teleporter, which requires a receiving device, become a Star Trek transporter that doesn't?
• Page4, panel 3. I don't suppose she could have just answered the question politely. When did everyone in the JLA become a snitty Marvel character?
• Page 4, panel 4. If you want to see Gorilla City's "architectural advances" look at the skyline depicted by Carmine Infantino in the recent Flash Showcase Edition. All Benes chose to show us was a granite staircase, which, you know, I see a lot of here in Washington.
• Page 4, panel 6. Ooo. Vixen and the gorillas are SO much more civilized than Batman and Superman!
• Page 5, panel 1. Apparently Wildkitty grew up under a rock and never heard of Gorilla Grodd. Yeah, kid; you grew up in the DCU-- should a talking gorilla really surprise you that much, particularly when you're in Gorilla City?
  
• Page 5, panel 3. "The power of the full pride"? Gorilla are social animals, not pack animals; only predators are pack animals.
• Page 6, panel 1. Did Vixen not two pages ago insist that her powers aren't based on proximity? Then why is proximity to Gorilla City affecting her?
• Page 7, panel 2. When did Wildkitty Who Avoids Fights become Wildkitty Who's Spoiling For A Fight?
• Page 7, panels 6-8. The maximum speed of a Cheetah is 60, maybe 70, miles an hour, which is fast enough not to get hit on the highway but not fast enough to search Gorilla City with the Flash in half a second.
• Pages 8 - 9. See previous comments about "packs of gorillas". I'll just ignore the domesticated dinosaurs thing.
• Page 9-10, panel 1. Opposable toe; yeah, Brad, we get it; they're apes. They know that, and so do we, let's not belabor it.
• Page 9-10, panel 6. Brin Londo is surrounded by "people who were cut from his exact same cloth"? Gregarious herbivores are like a lone predator how, exactly? This is really just an excuse for the writer to visit Gorilla City, isn't it?
• Page 9-10, panel 8. It's a spaceship. I should hope the air is always regulated and that helmets are not necessary for take-off. If not, the JLA needs to start shopping at a new dealership.
• Page 11, panels 1-2. Metatextual commentary about what is really a Marvel phenomenon ,not a DC one? Annoying. Such metatextual commentary from Red Arrow? Extremely annoying.
• Page 11, panels 3-4. I think these are for perverts who own stereopticons.
• Pages 12-13. This story is accomplishing the nearly-impossible; it's making Hawkgirl unlikeable and making Red Arrow even more unlikeable. I don't really want heroes I'd be embarrassed to know personally.
• Page 14-15, panel 1. I could have happily lived the rest of my life without experiencing Power Girl talking about the size of anyone's testicles. Apparently, Power Girl's not just a 'broad', she's a sailor ... who collects rare first edition books with the money she earned as a software entrepreneur.
• Page 14-15, panel 5. So, Power Girl, known for wanting to spend time forming family relationship in the JSA on Earth, has spent the last six months on Thanagar helping to rebuild? Well ... isn't that both wildly out of character, inconsistent with recent continuity, and really convenient for creating an instant romance backstory!
• Page 16. Okay, even I, decapitation fan that I am, think it's odd for three villains to stand around staring at a brainless corpse, which is basically the equivalent of staring at the Ultra-Humanite's dirty laundry.
• Page 18, panels 1-2. I assume you don't need me to tell you that no one would mistake a girl squatting in front of a statue for a girl with wings, unless, you know, everyone is drawn. I mean, I Ching wouldn't make that mistake.
• Page 18, panel 13. Yeah, Power Girl; her wings aren't real. Gosh, no wonder they elected you chairperson!
• Page 20, panel 1 "Bruce, it's Dinah. Bruce, are you there? He's not answering?" Try calling him "Batman" and maybe he'll answer you. While you're at it, stop speaking in color-coded word-boxes that match your outfits; not even I'm gay enough to think that's a good idea.

Why Gorillas are in Comic Books

Why are there so many gorillas in comics books?

There're probably no more than, say, 130,000 gorillas worldwide. In the U.S., there's only about 350. By comparison, there are over 51,000 dachshunds in the U.S. Gorillas are in the comics all the time; but how many times do you see a dachshund? Almost never, even though any fool knows dachshunds are more dangerous than gorillas.

This is kind of info I have to keep from my dog, because, while a ticked gorilla is still throwing leaves around and having an ostentatious hissy fit, the wily dachshund will have already tripped you, crushed your trachea, and, as you suffocate, be sitting on your chest chewing on your ribs while farting in your face. And wagging his tail.

That first face? A gentle giant of a vegetarian, our simple minded cousin who wants only to live in peace and indolence with Jane Goodall and her Everything Bag by his side. The second? Pure Evil with a Kung Fu Mouthgrip. There was no serpent in the Garden of Eden, folks; they just couldn't see the dachshund's legs. Forget that movie everyone's hyped about; when they come out with the sequel, "Dachshunds on a Plane", then I will be scared.

Yet gorillas, not dachshunds (or any other dog, for that matter), are the big threats in so many stories. Scores of gorillas, many of them bent on world domination. How many gorillas do you know in real life interested in world domination? Zero. Again, gorillas pale as a threat when compared to dachshunds, all of which are bent on world domination. Charles Heston would've lasted about 3 seconds on the Planet of the Dachshunds, people.

Yet in the comics, no animal guest star comes even close to the gorilla. Even perennial favorites like horsies, birds, and sharks. Gorillas have them all beat, and can turn up anywhere, except, you know, in an Aquaman story.

I think only dinosaurs come close to the gorilla in their comic book Q Rating. And dinosaurs aren't a threat to anybody. Not like dachshunds, which are a threat to everybody.

Smart money's on Schatzie, folks. I know what really killed the dinosaurs.

So why are gorillas everywhere in the comic books? Okay, I will tell you.

First, though, I need to qualify; when I say "everywhere in the comic books", I mean, "everywhere in DC comics" (and most of the older comics put out by other companies that DC later bought out or sued into submission for violating their copyright on the word "gorilla"). Marvel doesn't have gorillas; Marvel has zombies instead.

As our simian cousins, gorillas symbolize for us our baser, animal selves, our impulses toward violence and aggression. Everytime a hero faces a gunwielding thug, a pavement-cracking monster, a domineering supervillain, he's facing a manifestation of the antisocial human urge, the impetus toward violence for personal advancement at the expense of others. In short, as a rule, the antagonist in a most comic book stories is "the Evil Ape Within Us All". The hero represents our "better and wiser" selves, struggling to conquer the part of us that would shortsightedly harm society for personal gain.

Thus, the comic book battle between Good and Evil is a symbolization of the inner struggle between the Angel and the Ape in our souls. Small wonder, then, that one of the most common tropes in comics is an initial meeting between two heroes where a misunderstanding leads them to fight, usually ending when both parties think better of it, check their natural aggression, and work out their situation intellectually, through talking together.

Similarly, it is understandably axiomatic that heroes (who represent the cooperative spirit of society) work well together and villains (who embody selfish individualism) do not. The inversion of this pattern, therefore, often packs a punch in comic book lore. Conflict and crosspurposes among the member of a hero team or cooperation by the members of a Rogue's Gallery stab at our innate fears that the society that sustains us is potential unstable. DC's made good currency of this lately with the Secret Society of Supervillains versus the dissolution of the JLA. In Alex Ross's Justice, the Legion of Doom takes the threat one step further by not only banding together, but pretending to adopt humanity's best interests as its own.

Meanwhile, back in the jungle... . When a hero confronts a gorilla as his antagonist, he's facing the purest symbol of amoral, antisocial, animalistic selfishness. Mind you, I'm not saying that's really what gorillas are like; as previously mentioned, gorillas aren't really nasty at all (not like the you-know-what, which I can't type now because the dog just walked in the room and, trust me, it knows when it's being dissed and I have no intention of ticking off something that lives in my house and can eat bones). That's just what gorillas symbolize in our culture.

So when a comic book gorilla evinces intelligence, talks, plans, and uses higher abilities to plot its antisocial agenda, it becomes the personification of our fear that the Forces of Evil will finally get their act together, curbing their own animal natures just enough to advance their own agenda and become serious threats to our society. This is why writing Gorilla Grodd as a rabid savage is stupid and boring.

This is why it is very cool, on the other hand, that the well-written Gorilla Grodd ran the original Secret Society of Supervillains in the 1970s comic, on the JLU animated series, and (I'm betting) the new Society now that Alexander Luthor isn't in charge.

Anyway, that is why there are so many gorillas in comic books.

Or maybe they're just cool and pump up sales; who can say?

Heroclix Mod Mod

I'd say we're due for a Heroclix post!


Wizkids is pumping out the DC 'clix this year: The Brave & the Bold set at year's start, two
starter/collector minisets (Blackest Night and Brightest Day seven-piece sets) , and the forthcoming DC 75th Anniversary Set.






Some of the 75th Anniversary pieces have been revealed already, such as long-awaited Golden Agers like the original Mr. Terrific and Crimson Avenger, essential foes like Ragdoll and Ocean Master, boss/minions like Sgt. Rock/Easy Company, more full-spectrum lanterns, and wacky factors like Sargon the Sorceror and Detective Chimp.


But what would a DC Anniversary set be without.... gorillas?







Okay, I'm not expecting "JLApe" pieces (glorious though those would be). But I will be surprised and disappointed if we don't get something like gorilla generics for Grodd (as part of the latest craze for more functional generics that use some sort of 'minion' power that weighs heavily in favor of using them with their appropriate 'boss' figures). C'mon; you KNOW you want to be able to field a team of nothing but gorillas.


So I'm preparing. My (plastic) crack customizing team in the sub-sub-basement of the Pentagon (you know-- where they kept the Telephone Avatar?) has prepared this little gem representing one of the great One-Off Gorilla Characters of all time....

THE MOD GORILLA BOSS

For those few of you who don't already know, the Mod Gorilla Boss was a criminal mastermind who drank a "gorilla serum" (I bet you didn't know there WAS such a thing! Darn you, FDA!) and probably spent most of his ill-gotten gorilla-crime-gains at Gambi's tailor shop buying silverback-sized pinstriped zoot suits and french-cuff shirts. And he fought Animal Man. And by "fought" I mean, "tossed him around like a ragdoll until the gorilla serum wore off".

Naturally, a character this inspired belongs in my Heroclix collection. And so, behold:


I considered giving him a Special Trait that lets him use Animal Man as a permanent Light Object if he manages to kayo him. But I think I'll just keep that as a House Rule.