Golden Age Aquaman is a nightmare

Given my fondness for Golden Age comics and for all things Aquaman, it might seem odd how little I have covered the stories of the Golden Age Aquaman.  Today, you'll see why.  It's because most of them are in the same vein as

from Adventure Comics #130, July 1948.

In which Golden Aquaman goes insane for some starlet. Specifically:

Esther.
Grable.
Just shoot me NOW.

It begins with Aquaman going to the movies.

"Went overboard"?
Typical Jameson-style pap from the Bugle; more interested in the pun than in the point.

This start highlights one of the annoying features of Golden Age Aquaman; he was pretty much raised in the ocean and lived there exclusively.  This rendered him an innocent on dry land and too many of his stories have a 'fish out of water' hook.  "I'll find out how the movie stars swim!"  Yeah, that sounds like useful research, Art.

Perfect example: Aquaman being a goober who gets yelled at for blocking the film.
Try this on modern Aquaman and he'll use his mind-powers to make you punch yourself in the face.  Repeatedly.

Naturally, Art falls for "Esther Grable" in a wildly disproportionate way.

Get some help, Art.

So, the obvious thing to do is to contact her agent or publicist and to arrange a meet-up, since they are both well-known celebrities.  Therefore, Aquaman does nearly the opposite: he boards a train for Hollywood.

I choose to interpret that white halo as Aquaman using his mental powers to make everyone around him treat this as perfectly normal.

Aqua-stalker's mania even bubbles to the surface of his sleeping:

How comforting to know in the Golden Age, if you made strange noises in your sleeping berth, kindly attendants would pop their heads in to watch you sleep.

Note that the continued halo indicates that, even in sleep, Aquaman's mental powers are so strong that they continue to force others to act as if this were all perfectly normal.

The next scene is Art descending upon Esther Grable at a strange, lonely spot.

Pretty sure you're the only thing making it "strange", Art.
Also: is it NOT a Strange, Lonely Spot for ... a boy?

Suddenly, Esther is attacked by a gorilla in pegged chinos.

I agree, Caption; that is definitely unbelievable.

Aquaman waves off the promise of a reward. Mostly.

"I don't want any reward --
I just want you to be my wife."
Smooth, Art.

I'm kind of curious what would constitute a "special autograph", but we'll never know since we move right to Our Hero demanding to Prove His Love through a series of Ridiculous Tasks.  

For a Golden Age Aquaman story, this reads a lot like a Silver Age Superman story.

Fortunately for Art, Esther Grable is every bit the equal in terribleness of Silver Age love interests and has no trouble conjuring up absurd feats by which Aquaman can prove himself worthy by expending incredible effort to satisfy her smallest whims.

And I do mean "incredible".

Aquaman dissing the utility of icebergs amuses me.  "If only all this stupid ice would MELT, raising sea-level and expanding my kingdom enormously!"

In Aquaman's dream, St. Louis is renamed "Otisburg".

Next up: pearls.  I mean, surely you saw THAT coming.

Eventually, Esther wound up the lesbian love-slave of a gang of Japanese Ama divers.  I learned that from Biography on A&E.

Of course, this is little challenge for Aquaman (who took a panel out to explain that removing the pearls is a favor to the oysters, since pearls are like kidney stones to them).

Esther then demonstrates powers of free association as mighty as those of Adam West's Batman while deciphering a supercriminal's clue.

Jump. Over a rainbow.  Okay, Esther, whatever.

But nothing is impossible for the man who can command sealife!

AQUA-FACTS

Writers of old comics LIVED for these moments.  Before the internet came along to ruin everything, COMICS were the source of most interesting knowledge for youngsters.  I remember a psychologist trying to test the limits of my vocabulary at age 12 (perhaps that was considered a proxy for intelligence at the time?). The last two words he threw at me, in near desperation, were "homunculus" and "ambergris", both of which I knew. When he shook his head and said, "how on earth do you know those?", my answer was obvious.

"You haven't read a lot of Vigilante stories, have you, doctor?"

"Or watched a lot of Batman?"

This last Aqua-stunt sells Esther who agrees to marry Art; but there's a glitch!  

<comedic brass instrument sound effect>

Art is so sheltered he has no concept of stunt doubles.

And he faints. As heroes do.

But, wait! What's THIS? A wavy border to the right-side of the panel? What could this mean!?

IT WAS ALL A DREAM!

A nightmare. Well, that does explain the oddity of the events and why a gorilla would wear chinos rather than capri pants at the beach.

Then it's all wrapped with a denouement of Art being a deluded **** to real-life Esther Grable for not living up to his parasocial concept of who she is.

Golden Age Aquaman is a real drip.

And, this, in short, is why I don't read more Golden Age Aquaman stories for you.