Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Talking Head Week #2: Mid-Day Melee at Midway Museum!

Now, thanks to enough acres of exposition to earn us three credits at community college, we know a great deal about the backstory of this Talking Head.  

Of course, we still have no idea how it works, what information it has and how it got in there, how it talks, or, well, anything useful.  But this is a Hawkman story.  So, for example, if you're told two identical ancient Egyptian statues of black pharaoh hounds have the power of and the hold the secret to teleportation, then, by the Veil of Valmorra, you darned well better just believe it.

But, meanwhile, as the last several thousand years of history were rolling by, a patient man in questionable headgear lurks in the shadows at the Midway Museum...

See, Shiera? This is the kind of stuff that happens when you share that much time and personal info on Tinder.  

While "That Bearded Guy the Hawks Don't Remember from that Wild Night in Punjab" lurks in hope of running into the Hawks, CAW goons also show up at the museum, emerging from their inconspicuous getaway limo, armed with futuristic weaponry and the fashion sense of an '80s aerobics instructor...

For a Hawkman story, that actually kind of makes sense. I mean, you know...terrorist-sense. 

I suppose it's easier for CAW goons to rob a museum in the broad daylight, for some reason.  I can imagine the meeting...

"The Division Head has delegated us the task of a creating a distraction for the Hawks with a decoy robbery at the Midway Museum!  We'll break in and steal something under cover of night." 

"We can't! That requires a lock-pick and a flashlight and black ski-masks!  All we have are incapacitator rayguns and our Captain Scarlet cosplay outfits."  

"Then noon it is!"

"Fortunately we caught them unawares in the midst of the Museum staff's annual frug contest!" 

Recognizing the CAW agents (because, who wouldn't in those outfits?) Punjab the Trailer sets off the security alarm in hopes of stopping them.

The 'tinkle!' really makes this panel, doesn't it?

The Hawks are peeved that (yet again) an emergency in their own museum has interrupted their mask-and-gear-time sexy-play.

 "Sigh! Why does the alarm always ring when you're in the sex club?"

The CAW goons seem quite pleased when the Winged Wonders show up right away.  Apparently the Hawks reputation as "instant action" precedes them.  Ahem.

"Ha! Let's see how they handle my Tri-Tronged Spinach Vermicelli Tornado Gun!"

This is CAW's M.O., by the way.  They use an endless array of hapax-phenomenal high-tech gadgets.  They use them to steal ancient treasures.  Ancient treasures that they can use or sell to make...more gadgets.  It makes sense to them, at least.  I think they all grew up in Central City or something.

Fortunately for Hawkman, the weapon's Anti-Matter Whirly Currents (pat. pend.) move at about the speed of a zamboni.

"Whirly Currents" would be a great quartet name, don't you think?

That's Hawkman's M.O. btw.  If you're any fan of Silver Age Hawkman you'll know that, despite being an extraterrestrial lawman from a highly scientific world of omnipotent gadgetry, he always fights high-tech attacks with ancient earth weaponry and low-tech combat.  There is some sort of in-house excuse for this (like, the Hawks use primitive earth weapons to fight crime in order to avoid any of their otherwordly god-tech falling into the wrong hands), but we all know it was just a way of reconciling the Golden Age Hawkman's ancient Egyptian origins with the Silver Age love of sci-fi.  

As a result, Hawkman shatters the Whirly Current Pistol with a stone hatchet and the CAW agent with a right hook.

Dang, I hate to admit it, but...yeah. Hawkman's really hot. And not in a nice way.

Meanwhile, as Hawkman is doing his rough trade act like he's in a Dark Alley Media porno, Hawkgirl is attacked by the Pink Bubble Gun. And, yes, I spelled that correctly.

Little-known Hawk Fact: Dr. Seuss used to work in CAW's R&D department.  

You know what makes it easy to fight the Hawks? The fact that they are always flying toward you at full speed in a closed environment.  Heck, even Green Arrow and that kid he hangs out with could defeat them by just holding up boxing glove arrows, without even firing them or anything.

Anyway, in true Hawk-style, Shiera just grabs an ancient and probably priceless shield and shoves it into Mr. Bubble's face at, oh, I'm guessing about 60 mph.  I'd hate to see how the Hawks would treat valuable antiques if they weren't MUSEUM CURATORS.

The Top Ten Places Safer for Your Priceless Artifact than the Midway Museum:
  1. The Firepits of Apokolips
  2. Barry Allen's lab during a storm
  3. In a Robin costume
  4. The Human Bomb's backpack
  5. The Globe atop the Daily Planet
  6. Hal Jordan's bed
  7. An Alan Moore story
  8. The Arkham Asylum Rec Room
  9. Solomon Grundy's toy box
  10. In a Haley's Circus trapeze act

So that's it for the CAW agent, right? Not so fast...!

From the Dick Dastardly footwear collection

What a heel! How will our pinioned pretty prevent those piercing projectiles from perforating her plumed personage?!

Find out tomorrow, same Hawk-time, same Hawk-channel.


Anonymous said...

You know what? I finally realize I'm sold on the concept. The only version of the Hawks that works is the Silver Age swinger variety. Forget the Egyptian reincarnation angle, or at least keep it to previous lives; this time 'round they're Thanagarians on earth who really enjoy the challenges of doing things old school. They keep a few cherished high-tech devices of course, and they understand that indoor plumbing and Brazilian waxes are just a matter of being civilized. But fists and crossbows are the way they like to fight crime.

Joshua Roots said...

"Sounds as if we were expected. If I know CAW-and I do-we've run smack-bang into an ambush!"

Let me see if I understand this: Hawkman has faced CAW enough that he can easily assume an ambush. CAW's MO is to use high-tech to steal ancient tech, usually from museums. The alarm is from the Midway Museum. Hawkman, knowing all this, decides the best course is to instantly charge into action with literally no plan other than Hulk Smash With Axe.

No wonder their backgrounds have become, "die and reincarnate over and over".

Cameron Vale said...

Maybe Hawkman and Hawkgirl are just abusing their curator positions to get their hands on some sweet primitive weaponry. Hence the masks.

John said...

In Katar and Shayera's defense, the mook-CAWs look pretty dopey posing with their super-science gadgets, whereas the "smack it with a heavy thing" approach of the Hawks looks great and is far more effective. So, I really can't fault them for leaning that way.

I can, however, fault beardo for hiding behind a glass display case during the day. If he needed to tinkle, as the sound effects indicate, surely the museum has better facilities for that.

Anonymous said...

KLONK! These really are some great sound effects.

SallyP said...

I will say, that the two goon's black and red costumes are actually... pretty stylish.