Monday, December 05, 2011

Green Lantern Filmation: Sirena's Final Hissy

Meanwhile, on the grim and forbidding Planetoid Sargasso...

Sirena, the Empress of Evil (tm), has launched her fleet against the decrepit Oans, who prepare to watch the own destruction from the comfort of their own comfty chairs, up from which, like good retirees, they would never pick their asses.

"Despite our infinite wisdom, we have deceived by the nurses, Ollie Ollie Oxenfru! For surely this spectacle is not Mattlock!" "Silence, Jolly Jowly Jerry-Tol, or our pudding rations will be threatened!"

Meanwhile, Kairo, Hal Jordan's Venusian Helper, manages to convince the kamikaze space-owl (whom he is now calling "Beepy" --or maybe "Beaky"-- instead of "Beefy") to fly into the Rapunzel-tower where Green Lantern is being held just out of arms reach of his power ring, and do its thing.

Which it does.

Here's the windup...

and the pitch...

and... STRIKE OUT!

Finally, someone dumber than Hal Jordan. At least when Hal got hit in the head with a space-owl he wasn't STARING RIGHT AT IT.

Hal, as predicted makes a dive for his ring.

Actually, it's more a dainty 'pluck'.

And shoves it onto his middle finger, which is not where one usually wears rings.

Why does Hal wear his power ring on his middle finger?

Because "FUCK YOU!", that's why.

The Eyes of Hal Jordan will still stare you death, power ring or no.

But Hal doesn't
follow rules, buddy; he breaks them. Or, perhaps, is simply blithely unaware of them, along with space-owls, highway signs, buttresses, the Twelve Steps and any other thing that might get in his way.

"Guh*hick*reat jzhob,
Beasty!", Hal congratulates the kamkazi-bird that just an hour ago attacked him and let him get captured in the first place. To be fair, Hal may not even know that, since he didn't even SEE the owl hit him ...

Which looks like this, in case you've forgotten

...and therefore just assumes that this is some new pet of Kairo's. Named "Beasty". I kind of give up at this point, because the only thing stupider than Hal recognizing the space-owl and treating it as if it were Kairo's familiar pet and calling it by a name he can't possibly have ever heard is ... his doing all that
AND GETTING THE BIRD'S NAME WRONG. Ironically, it's the only single word in the entire cartoon that Hal doesn't slur over. Even when doing the impossible, Hal not only does it incorrectly, but painstakingly incorrectly.

Hal rings his way out of prison, Kairo, with his pretty pretty eyelashes, mounts Hal...

Hey, I don't write 'em. I just call 'em as I see 'em.

and, because there is so little time left in the cartoon, Green Lantern does exactly what he should have done in the beginning: he boxing-gloves the entire Freakish Alien Horde into unconsciousness.

Hey! Hal can multi-task!

Wow; just like the "Before" and "After" photos at my 28th birthday party.
Except these guys are still wearing their unitards.

Green Lantern sends Kairo and Beastly (the owl's name changes every time it's said, by now) back to earth in the experimental space-plane with the other prisoners, while he goes off to kick Sirena's fleet's ass.


Note that the ships are yellow. Just like the Freakish Alien Minions. None of which bothers Hal's ring at all. Because while kamikaze space-owl cannons are
not too stupid for Filmation, apparently the power ring's traditional weakness to yellow is too stupid. Oh, and the "Chekov's gun" in the opening scene, where Hal didn't take the time to charge his power ring? Nope, that gun never gets fired, and Hal's ring doesn't come even close to running out of power. Why? Because Filmation doesn't follow rules, buddy, they break them.

In last, desperate attempt to save her plan, Sirena orders her armada to "fire their destructo-bombs" (as opposed, one supposes, to their constructo-bombs) at Green Lantern,

which he just sproings right back at them.

I'll say this for Hal: he's a FUN drunk.
Unlike Sinestro (mean drunk), John (sleepy drunk), Guy (lecherous drunk), or Kyle (sloppy drunk).

Her armada defeated, Sirena is sentenced to "a long-term of galactic confinement." Perhaps I'm just misunderstanding the term, but "galactic confinement" doesn't seem particularly onerous. "You may not leave the galaxy!" isn't much of a punishment, even for someone with a fleet of spaceships.

Back on earth, Hal and Kairo have a happy fade-out with Hal telling Kairo he can keep his space-owl pet, "Beastly", which is what they are calling it in the final scene.
You know, the longer you look at that, the creepier it gets.

If you don't believe any of this, watch the cartoon and tell me I'm lying. Meanwhile, Guardians bless writer George Kashdan ...

George. BEFORE martinis.

...for taking the ten minutes it took him to dash this episode on the back of a gin-ringed cocktail napkin before getting up from the breakfast table one morning, probably the same day as he wrote this incomparable classic.


Anonymous said...

In the interests of Internet historianship, here is a page covering this cartoon (plus a couple others) dating back to the 20th century:

You went much more in depth with your coverage, and I notice that Seanbaby didn't even notice Hal was on a bender this whole cartoon. There's maybe only one observation Seanbaby could add to your coverage: how SMALL Sirena's kingdom is. Based on body language and the fact that Sirena can just poke her head out the window to talk to the bat guys, we have to conclude that Hal got bonked on the head maybe 30 feet away from Sirena's castle.

Excellent work; thank you for keeping this seminal work of art in the public consciousness.

Noah said...

You know, "Space Owl Cannon" would be a great name for a band.

Bryan L said...

I think Beastly/Beefy/Beepy should be inducted into the Justice League. Let's face it, he could beat at least half of them. I presume you'll be commissioning a Beastly Space Owl Heroclix in short order, Scipio.

CobraMisfit said...

"Why does Hal wear his power ring on his middle finger?

Because "FUCK YOU!", that's why."

Possibly the best lines. Ever.

By the way, did anyone else notice that Hal actually changes clothes several times throughout the episode? One moment his gloves and boots are green, then next they are white (check out the "Hal vs Owl" pics against the "Hal vs. Destructo-bombs").

And why does Hal change clothes in the middle of a major space battle?

Because F*** YOU, that's why!

Scipio said...

Noah: Or a put-together quartet.

Bryan: With Charge and Exploit Weekend, no doubt.

Cobra: Perhaps we can work that line into next year's play....

As for Hal's clothing changes, THAT one you can chalk up to "This Filmation, baby!" Because Filmation can't be bothered with details like consistent coloring.

Anonymous said...

I finally figured out what that final Kairo / Bee Pee scene reminds me of:

SallyP said...

Actually...ALL the Green Lanterns wear their rings on their middle fingers! But I find your explanation to be the most sensible.

There is also this...

"I'll say this for Hal: he's a FUN drunk. Sinestro (mean drunk), John (sleepy drunk), Guy (lecherous drunk) and Kyle (sloppy drunk)

I believe that you have hit the nail on the proverbial head. Hal is indeed a fun drunk. Heck he probably dances on the tables.

I also greatly enjoyed the look in Beaky's (?) eye as Kairo mounted Hal for their flight. You can just see the tiny bird wheels turning...!