When last we left Speed Saunders in his conflict with the counterfeit ring, he'd
locked the print guy in the closet,
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| Where I am sure he won't get hurt. Assuming Speed remembers to get him out. |
shot the gunsel who was sick of living in Grogan's shadow,
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| "No, it wasn't me, it was GEORGE GLASS...!" |
and started Dave Grogan on a merry chase we'll call Grogan's Run.
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| Keep staring at this panel. Now. Tell me, how long did it take you to realize that Grogan is vaulting over the fence BACKWARDS, in defiance of all physics? Wouldn't think such a bulky guy would be an urban parkour expert. |
Grogan's Run is a cleverer ploy than it might seem at first, since Speed always shadow-travels, tesseracts, skis, or uses the Speedmobile. I'm not sure we have evidence Speed even knows how to WALK let alone run. I'm sure he CAN, but he probably has to sing "Put One Foot In Front Of The Other" just to keep a steady pace; The Shield he ain't.
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| "Gus"? Who the grawlixes is GUS?!?! |
Wondering where the heck Grogan's Run leads to, since the hideout is blown? It leads ourobourotically back to the beginning of the story:
Well, since it's a "stationary" store, no wonder he stayed put.
Not to be all judgey (since that Speed's job), but it seems like an odd time to pop in to buy cigarettes again. Or maybe Grogan has guessed that Papa Bodega sicced Speed on him? Hm.
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| OH. "Gus" is PAPA BODEGA. That makes sense, then. |
Phew! Luckily Speed managed to One-Step fast enough to stop Grogan from killing Gus!
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| ... Wait. ... Whut? |
I... don't; I can't...
Gus is... THE HEAD OF THE COUNTERFEIT GANG?!
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| EVERYONE SHOOTS EVERYONE ELSE |
Speedslain THIS, Saunders!
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| No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. |
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| WHY DOES NO ONE HAVE DOOR LOCKS?! |
I... have read a lot of Speed Saunders stories.
I have seen goldfish marked with morse code, a little boy killed three different ways, people assassinated by surrealist art installations, random Persian jewels dropped at Speed's dinner table, stomach pumping, skiing scarecrows, crescent dresses, French maids who overshare, ambiguously monogrammed hand-kerchiefs, cross-dressing emerald thieves, (extra-)poisonous cigarettes, thudding sickening thumps, 45 caliber Chinese curtains, and things I've never ever shared with you, like killer bees, voodoo murders, exploding bowling balls, hypnotized snakes, and woolly mammoths.
But, no matter how bizarre, I don't think any of those stories can outdo the pure, raw illogicality of this mundane counterfeiting story.
LET'S RECAP:
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| These are the opening panels of The Grogan Case. It was only five pages ago, mind you. |
If Gus is the head of the counterfeiting ring then...
why is Grogan trying to give him a counterfeit bill?
Why are they pretending they don't know each other?
Why is Gus surprised at this bill?
FOR WHOM ARE THEY PUTTING ON THIS TRANSQUARTOMURALISTIC CHARADE, OTHER THAN US, THE READERS, OF WHOM THEY CANNOT BE AWARE?!?!?!
No, Speed Saunders. No, Fred Guardineer. I love you both, but...you have crossed a line this time.
Oh, and it's spelled "STATIONERY"!
I haven't responded to any of these Speed Saunders installments because I literally have no idea what to say in response to them. I have enough trouble processing the Speed Saunderses that follow what we could generously call "ordinary story logic". But this one ... it's a blow to the head that not even my man Hal Jordan would shake off.
ReplyDeleteMay I cleanse my mental palate by describing a story I would write if DC would ever let me? An early adventure of the Red Tornado learning about humanity. He's in Bialya and he comes across some orphans who see him as a djinn. So as he's trying to take care of them and find some place that would take them in, he tries to "serve" them and grant one wish a night. I haven't worked out what the wishes would be or how he grants them; it'd be something like one of those 1950s Superman stories. A lot of first-person narration as the Red Tornado gives his impressions of the children in his care and the adults he encounters.
- HJF1
I've expended significant mental energy on this Speed tale (apparently more than Fred Guardineer), trying to think of a way to make it work. I can't. I've consider fifth-dimensional hijinks, replacement by White Martians, bleedover from a parallel universe, time-travel shenanigans involving one or more Flashes, and I've got nothing. I don't think even Geoff Johns could retcon this into something that makes sense.
ReplyDelete"the Red Tornado" ONLY if, in his chaotic incompetence, he destroys the orphanage or some cultural landmark, which then causes a war. Because THAT's a Red Tornado story.
ReplyDeleteBryan,
ReplyDeleteMy ONLY theory is:
Grogan never actually MET Gus As The Boss, who communicated to him in some anonymous way.
Then after Grogan tried to pass Gus a false sawbuck and ran afoul of Speed, Grogran somehow DEDUCED that Gus was the secret leader and went to confront him about it.
Nothing in the story really supports that idea, but it's the ONLY context that makes ANY sense.
Your theory does make the most sense, Scipio. It's just weird that they didn't include a couple of lines to explain it that way. Without the story in front of me it's hard to say, but I feel like Grogan could have said something about "I've never met the boss; he's a mystery man." And then some sort of exclamation when he encounters Gus. I wonder if some paste-up production assistant left a couple word balloons on the floor all those years ago.
ReplyDelete