Friday, August 25, 2023

How To Dress Like Speed Saunders: The Basics

 First and foremost you need the puce Glenurquhart Estate Check suit (or at least the jacket).

God bless Calvin Klein

Since no one would be caught dead wearing a tieless cutaway collar, let alone one in Cubicle Blue, I can only assume this is a mannequin, rather than a corpse.

Don't wear the jacket with TAN pants like this, not even if you are dead. Pair with solid black slacks; the inker will thank you for it.

If you want to go the whole nine yards, wear the whole suit. This should be reserved for full-body scenes like standing outside a building.

Sure it costs more, but it's worth it just for the Summoning Authority Figure scenes.

OBVIOUSLY, a pocket square is required. It must be white, in a two-point fold. Do not accouter it with a flat-line pocket square, as this unshaven fool has. There as many possible errors in this regard as there are pocket folds.

ONLY ONE of these is permissible. 

Remember, Speed Saunders is stylish, but not a DANDY.  He employs only the classic double-peak fold, distinguishing himself the single-peak-wearing clod (such as your Slam Bradley types) and the triple-peaked clowns (like Bentley of Scotland Yard).

Bentley, who wears white socks and brown shoes
with an undeserved blue double-breasted. Ugh.


A THREE-PIECE double-breasted.
Ugh; Bentley. Why hasn't anyone arrested YOU?!


No, the only choice for a Speed Saunders outfit is the two-point, thus:

I include this diagram for those of you who did not manage to acquire this knowledge at the orphanage or Reform School for Boys.


Wear these with any WHITE point-collar (and ONLY a point-collar) dress shirt.

Men's Dress Shirt Collar Types | The Various Styles Explained – Nimble Made
Remember, if you wear it with a button-down collar, the authorities have orders to shoot you on sight.


Off-setting the expense of the jacket/suit is the reverse-barbershop (black and red) tie, which can be gotten for a song.


Note that they could not even find a corpse or mannequin that would monstrously wear this knot with a spread collar thus. *shudder*

N.B. This tie MUST be Bendy Sinister.  If it is BENDY, rather than Bendy Sinister, children will point and mock, ladies avert their gaze, gentlemen shake their heads, and all members of the Speed Saunders Aficionados Club will deny you food, water, shelter, and witty conversation, and you will be subject to their pitiless Faces of Judgement. Furthermore, Metropolitan Libraries will be within their rights to forbid you entry.

Finally, the hat, which, always remember is to be one WHENEVER one is outside or soon to be outside. Do not remove your hat if you have to just tesseract inside for one or two panels to question someone.  It wastes too much time.

You will need TWO hats; a summer-weight orange trilby and a winter-weight orange trilby (if you don't already have them).

I am embarrassed for the sellers who were driven to nonsensically call it a "trilby fedora" because their customers are Americans or philistines.


NOT a fedora; a trilby.  We are Ace Investigators, not the Crimson Avenger. 

And that's it! So simple! You are now ready for your Speed Saunders cos-play.



7 comments:

  1. Arguably the most comprehensive Speed Saunders Dressing Guide ever created. Well done bringing some much-needed style to this lost and lonely world!

    Also, the Speed Saunders Aficionados Club does have TIME to say all of those words, so they just condense it down to "The Club." If you have to ask, then you aren't in it.

    Also also, single-peak pocket squares? Savages!

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  2. WHAT THE HELL IS A TRILBY FEDORA HAT?!?! IS THE BRIM ADJUSTABLE SO YOU CAN MAKE IT ONE OR THE OTHER?!?! WHO WOULD WEAR SUCH A THING?!?!?

    MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!

    - Hoosier X

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  3. "IS THE BRIM ADJUSTABLE SO YOU CAN MAKE IT ONE OR THE OTHER?!?!"

    RIGHT?!

    One's degree of sophistication in ANY field or topic can be quantified by how my distinctions in that area you can make. For example, little children may point to a horse and say "doggie!" because to them any quadruped is either a Doggy or a Kitty. This remains true in adults who are not well-versed in some particular topic. An aficionado of any kind (chocolate, wine, film, painting, architecture, pop culture, music, clothing, etc.) will make many more and finer distinctions within it then those with more casual familiarity.

    There are those who may point at a trilby (or a porkpie!) and say "fedora!" because to them all hats are either fedoras or ballcaps. And Jervis wept.

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  4. I want one of those kepis that you can inflate into a shako.

    - Hoosier X

    ReplyDelete
  5. "kepis that you can inflate into a shako."

    I just want one with a super-instant-mesmerizer in it.

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  6. What kind of cuffs should my shirt have?

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  7. Either a single or double Button-cuff will do. Clearly, if one is wearing a trilby, then cuff-links ar not called for.

    ReplyDelete