300: The Real Story

Friends, bloggers, commenters; lend me your ears!

Though I am a classical scholar, trained for years and dedicated to preserving and disseminating the truth of our glorious ancient past, yet have I held my tongue about the deceptions of 300.

With untold talents of silver having flowed through the box office from legions of ticket-buyers, I have cowered in fear at its numberless fans, lest they advance upon me, overwhelming just as the Persian horde did the defenders of Thermopylae. But, by Zeus, no longer!

Compatriots of the internet, the heart within me forbids my tongue rest. Too long have I remained silent on this mockery of history, this 300, while my fellow citizens flock to drink at the poison well of its lies!

Thus I shall now tell ye the true story of the battle of Thermopylae and its real hero:

The Golden Age Starman!

During the Persian War, Starman, his faith in the human spirit unbreakable, advocated to the Athenians that slaves be armed and trained to help the defense of Greece and, thus, of western civilization.

"As you treat men," he argued, "so shall they behave! Let us treat our slaves as fellow citizens and, in their eagerness to prove themselves worthy, they shall out-do us in their bravery at arms in protecting our nations."

But the Athenians, scoffing at his faith in mere slaves, rejected his proposal. Defiant, Starman armed and trained his own slaves, preparing them to join him in battle against the Persian hordes.

Meanwhile, across the Aegean Sea, Xerxes organized the greatest army the world had ever seen, ready to launch his attack with his unfailing 'Immortals' and crush the Greeks forever. As the caption confirms.

But the genius of Starman being equal to the emergency, he crafted a plan. He and his followers would delay the Persian onslaught by occupying the narrow pass at Thermopylae.

This would Starman and his band of slave-warriors do, while the cowardly Leonidas and his weak-willed Spartans fled.

Inspiring his army of slaves with his unparalleled oratory, Starman led his troops to fight for the freedom of the very society that had denied them theirs.

Moved by this comic book irony, the tergiversatory Spartans finally found their backbones, and rallied to support the brave slaves.

Meanwhile Starman used his cosmic rod to hold back the Persian hordes. No, really. The contemporary sources all agree on that point.

The Spartans having relieved them of defending the pass, Starman and his brave slaves returned to Athens, having both saved Western civilization and taught it the error of its ways.