The Mystery of the Mystery Analysts of Gotham.... solved!

Today I solved a sixty-year old mystery about... The Mystery Analysts of Gotham!

 The Mystery Analysts of Gotham were a small club of crime-solvers introduced in Batman #164 (1964), the same issue that introduced the "New Look" Batman.

You remember: the New Look was when Batman had a tiger-head.  Never really caught on. Too hard to draw.

Mostly they seem to be a self-appointed clique of gatekeepers who decide whether you are good enough detective to sit at their table during Lunch Period.  Such things were more accepted 60 years ago.

Well, la-dee-dah. Who decorated their meeting room, Killer Moth?

Originally they seemed to consist of only eight people (including mystery novelist Kaye Daye, forensic science professor Ralph Vern, cold-case crime columnist Art Saddows, Police Commissioner James Gordon, and Batman).  A private investigator named Hugh Rankin tries to join but Batman blackballs him for falsely deducing what Batman looks like unmasked.

"But why... and by whom?"
Martin Tellman doesn't seem like much of a detective if he can't figure out who'd blackball Rankin for trying to uncover Batman's appearance.

Rankin must have somehow overcome this failure with a second successful bid for membership, because in later stories he is included as one of the members.  I'd like to imagine that after the first story, the other members simply told Batman to stop being a ****, and let Rankin in.

Or maybe Rankin KILLED Prof. Vern and when none of the MAoGs could prove it, they decided it was logical to have Rankin take Vern's place.

But the classic line-up of the Mystery Analysts of Gotham is in this picture:

Which is why there is virtually NO discussion of the Mystery Analysts of Gotham that does NOT include this picture.

Which contains many mysteries itself.  Who STARTED the Mystery Analysts of Gotham and was it sheerly out of vanity? Why is the District Attorney a member? I think of DAs as crime prosecutors, not crime solvers.  Was Harvey Dent ever in the Mystery Analysts of Gotham or is he before their time?  Why are Silver Age pipes so small?  Where DOES Kaye get those hats and why does she spell her name like that?  And, most perplexingly, is Batman's ego so fragile that the World's Greatest Detective needs to be part of the crime solving in-crowd clique?

But none of these are the mystery I have solved.  The biggest mystery about the original Mystery Analysts is that: we don't know who they all are.  

In their first story, there are some we already know (Gordon and Batman) and some others are introduced.

But then the narration makes clear that it's skipping over naming anyone else because there is no time:

See for yourself:

"HOLD, monsters,
ere your pirate caravanserai proceed against our wills to wed us all...!"

That blond guy in the green suit is not identified, even though he is the most outspoken member of the group.

Takes cajones to confront Batman.

Blond guy detective who takes charge in a roomful of other authorities?  Seems obvious to me just WHO that must be.

Bolstering my theory: if that's Speed Saunders in the green suit, it would explain why he's not introduced, because Speed Saunders requires no introduction.  Everyone automatically already knows who Speed Saunders, it's one of his powers.

As much fun as that all is, it's not really the reason for my post.  I have always been struck by just how superfluous the Mystery Analysts are IN GOTHAM CITY, where The World's Greatest Detective resides.  

The World's Greatest Detective.
Stupid Bronze Age Batman.

It's the other iconic heroes, the ones who AREN"t detectives, who NEED a group of mystery analysts. Who would help THEM when a mystery needs to be solved?

This is a mystery I will attempt to analyze in follow up posts, in which we "franchise" the concept of the Mystery Analysts to Metropolis, Coast City, Apex City, Central City, Star City, and wherever the heck Aquaman and Wonder Woman are.

Doll Man Moment: Making Gaines Proud

If you think Doll Man would hesitate for a moment to resort to the Injury-To-The-Eye Motif...

 

you are wrong.

The injury to the eye motif is an outstanding example of the brutal attitude cultivated in comic books — the threat or actual infliction of injury to the eyes of a victim, male or female. This detail, occurring in uncounted instances, shows perhaps the true color of crime comics better than anything else. It has no counterpart in any other literature of the world, for children or for adults.

According to our case material the brutalizing effect of this injury-to-the-eye motif is twofold. In the first place, it causes a blunting of the general sensibility. Children feel in a vague subconscious way that if this kind of thing is permitted then other acts are so much less serious that it cannot be so wrong to indulge in them either.

An eight-year-old girl said to her mother, “Let’s play a game. Someone is coming to see us. I’ll stamp on him, knock his eyes out and cut him up.”

But it has also a direct effect. Children have done deliberate harm to the eyes of other children, an occurrence which before the advent of crime comics I had never encountered among the thousands of children I examined. On a number of occasions I have asked juveniles who used homemade zip guns what harm they could do with so little power. I received prompt reply: “You shoot in the eye. Then it works.”

The children of the early forties pointed out the injury-to-the-eye to us as something horrible. The children of 1954 take it for granted. A generation is being desensitized by these literal horror images. One comic shows a man slashing another man across the eye balls with a sword. The victim: “MY EYES! I cannot see!”

In a Western comic book the “Gouger” is threatening the hero’s eye with his thumb, which has a very long and pointed nail. This is called the “killer’s manicure.” He says: “YORE EYES ARE GONNA POP LIKE GRAPES WHEN OL’ GOUGER GETS HIS HANDS ON YOU!… HERE GO THE PEEPERS!”

In one comic book a gangster gains control over another man’s racket and tapes his eyes “with gauze that has been smeared with an infectious substance!” He says: “When I get through with ya, ya’ll never look at another case of beer again!”

When a policeman is blinded, the criminal says: “Well, he don’t have to worry about them eyes no more!”

Girls are frequent victims of the eye motif, as in the typical: “My eyes! My eyes! Don’t! PLEASE! I’ll tell you anything you want to know, only don’t blind me! PLEASE!’”

The Seduction of the Innocent (1954), Dr. Frederic Wertham.

Speed Saunders and the Lost Ape

I'm sure that in your idle moments you have wondered what would happen if Speed Saunders took on a gorilla.  Let's find out!

What? Me, worry?

Sordid? Ew. What makes them say the waterfront is sordid?

DEAD END for these city kids. Officer Krupe Speed ain't.

Nothing sordid about an adult watching of bunch of semi-naked and naked boys cavorting in the toxic waterside of a major city.  Besides, these are Speed's pals.

Naked boy's on a first-name basis with The Speed Saunders and they are gorilla-gawking pals.  He's the Jimmy Olsen of the Saundersverse.

Not a ton, by the way; 500 lbs, tops.  Still, that doesn't look like an especially safe way to escort a gorilla.

I wonder where they are taking him!

In the Saundersverse, that's the same as a menagerie (or "zoo").

But the gorilla's stay at the zoo will be very short!

Well ,THAT's creepy. Even for a gorilla-napping.

The gorilla's disappearance causes alarm.

That is one ominous inky blackness.

That's a pretty cool use of the real-world headline clippings.  Whatever you can think of, the Golden Age probably did it first and you've just never seen it.

Fortunately, Golden Age citizens are a pretty jaded lot, so it's not like they are going to

Hm.  I guess gorillas were still relatively uncommon in comics at that point.

Speculation runs wild; where could an escaped gorilla have gone?

I really wish those two ladies had become recurring characters, just popping in for a synchronized "OMIGOSH" when appropriate (and, really, there are few points in any Speed Saunders story where OMIGOSH would NOT be an appropriate thing to say).

Their speculation is all in vain, for none would guess that the gorilla is DRIVING AWAY INTO THE COUNTRYSIDE MILES FROM THE ZOO.

Okay, fine; he's not driving. At least, I can't SEE whether's he driving.  

Turns out the gorilla has been kidnapped by a MAD SCIENTIST.

How dramatic!

Hm, don't think I've seen a mad scientist in a Speed Saunders story before.  But like Terentius Afer, nothing human (or even SIMIAN) is alien to Speed Saunders. So, naturally he gets assigned to the case.

At this point, they were still clinging to the charade that Speed Saunders was answerable to others and had to be "assigned" to cases. How quaint.

What does a mad scientist want a gorilla for? BRAIN SURGERY, what else?

Hm. I guess Dolores Winters wasn't available.

Note that this is nearly 15 years before The Gorilla Boss of Gotham did this and FORTY years before the Ultra-Humanite pulled this trick.

NEVER forget the Gorilla Boss of Gotham. Those who do are condemned to repeat him.

But actually, these mad scientists aren't transplanting any of their own brains into the gorilla; just... "a brain".  And even THAT isn't quite right because when the gorilla awakens, he doesn't think he's a human who OMIGOSH has been put in the body of a gorilla. 

Step 1. Obtain one (1) gorilla and one (1) human brain.
Step 2. Combine them by means of mad science.
Step 3. Get rich off this, somehow. And show all those fools who said you were mad, MAD!

No. He's just... a gorilla who suddenly has the intelligence of a human.  Maybe the scientist just squeezed the smart-juice out of the human brain and into the gorilla brain.  I don't know how these things work. I'm no brain surgeon, after all.

This is what happens when doctors don't have sufficient nursing staff.

Jeez, these scientists didn't really plan much beyond "finish surgery", and off to lunch they went, leaving their simian subject to wander off into the Saundersverse.

Sounds like they could have used some more brain juice.

What DO you do if you're a post-op gorilla with a human mind and poor grammar?  Obviously, you hop a freight train.

It's still a Speed Saunders story, after all; gotta move things along.

Then, in what seems increasing like a funny animal comic, the gorilla goes to a construction site to take a nap, because, I dunno, maybe it reminds him of Borneo.

PANIC!

Apparently, whatever little rest the gorilla got did wonders, at least for his elocution.

I swear that "Hey, what ails these people" is the single funniest thing I have ever seen a gorilla say.

Weapons are procured and the gorilla is chased, much to his growing consternation.

See, in a Captain Marvel comic, this funny guy would wind up befriending Billy Batson.  But Billy does not hang out with the boys who swim naked under the watchful eye of ace investigators.

But there's a reason for that old Borneo saying: "Jangan sekali-kali mengetuk gorila pintar di tapak pembinaan."

"Never corner an intelligent gorilla in a construction site."

Bet none of you chose "gorilla throws dynamite" in your What Happens Next betting pool.  But don't worry; I mean, it's not like a gorilla can accurately hit anybody with a stick of dynamite.

Sewers, however, are pretty easy targets.

So, we're going to ignore the fact that dynamite doesn't explode from concussion; it requires a trigger mechanism.

It looks something like this.

Scientifically accurate or not, the gorilla has just killed Many People, which makes him... Speed Saunders' most dangerous foe. Didn't see that coming.

There is a LOT of cartoon physics going on in this story.

These events do not endear humanity to our now grouchy gorilla and he swears vengeance, like Frankenstein's scorned monster.

The bandage is a nice touch.

Would've gotten back on the freight train myself.

And whom does he find back at the waterfront?

THE DEAD END KIDS.

But, against all reason, Speed intuited that gorilla would return there and has been lying in wait. Or he's just there hanging out watching adolescent boys fish.  Speed's a strange guy.

"I'll just watch quietly while he rends the brunet limb from limb.  
Then I'll save the blond kid, whom I like."

At this very early point in Speed's career, the writer (Gardner Fox, btw) was still making things happened at the waterfront, because ORIGINALLY Speed is supposed to be with the River Patrol.  It's a few more issues before Speed's apotheosis and he becomes the Platonic Ideal of Authority, capable of intervening in any situation, commandeering any vehicle, and subordinating any uniformed personnel, because, well, it's just FASTER, dang it.

SLOWLY?!  Remember this panel well, folks. It is the last time you will ever see Speed Saunders do anything "slowly".

A trap? Okay, that's more Speed-like.  I guess all the while the gorilla's been killing scores of people downtown, Speed's been at the central branch of the metropolitan library, researching gorilla traps, probably in the original Malaysian.  I can't wait to see what he's cooked up!

There aren't a LOT of wordless Speed Saunders panels, but each one is a context-free masterpiece of incomprehensibility.

TIME TO SPRING SPEED'S TRAP!

<eyeroll>

Really, Speed? You just magically called forth a bunch of Keystone Cops with billy clubs, as if you were a Heroclix figure with the special power to generate free bystander pogs?  And you thought that would capture a 500-pound intelligent gorilla? You need to leave the waterfront beat pronto, so you can spend more time at the library instead of watching naked boys swimming. 

Fortunately someone ELSE is there to take command of the situation!

THE MAD SCIENTIST!  Must have lunched near the Waterfront.

Phew!  As this creature's creator he'll be able to settle things down.

"I, Roskoffin, The Great Scientist!"
I love the Golden Age.

The Creature, overwhelmed by the desire for the loving approval of his Creator, embraces him in weeping relief!

Or..."BOP!"  Looks like the gorilla intends to put the 'coffin' in Roskoffin, or vice versa.

Wow. It's almost as if the mad scientist who decided to Tamper In God's Domain was dangerously overconfident. Lesson: if you are in Speed Saunders story do not try to exert any authority unless YOU are Speed Saunders.

Whoa. 

OMIGOSH! Is this where Speed does something amazing to stop the gorilla and save the scientist?

Hm. Apparently not.

So. No Speedsplanation.  No bizarre leaps of deduction (unless you count the "I figured he'd come back to the waterfront").  No gunfights. No fistfights.  No tesseracting.  No shadow-traveling.  No stomach-pumping.  Speed... doesn't do anything. At all.  Speed serves no narrative purpose in his own story.  It's not that the story didn't require Speed; it didn't require ANY protagonist AT ALL. 

Just when I think there's nothing Speed can do to surprise me...

Speed does nothing. And thereby surprises me.  You win again, Speed Saunders.