The Shield: Who He Is, and How He Came to Be

How does it begin, the glory that is the Shield?

With the least modest intro ever.

I bet Stan Lee's kicking himself for not thinking of this first.
"I'll rewrite the National Ant'hum to inclood Spiduh-Man's name!"

Our story begins in 1916, with the Shield's dad, an army intelligence officer, Lieutenant Higgins. Lt. Higgin's own intelligence is clearly directed forward, beyond the present and into the future. Although he's foresighted enough to already be wearing the fashions of three decades into the future, he's oblivious enough not to notice that his "superior" is actually a delusional (and rather effete) member of the Salvation Army.

"Further, you will procure for me a soft pretzel, lightly salted, no mustard. Good man."

Tom Higgins, you always know what to say: "Yes". You always say yes to anyone with a badge, or a flag... .

Anyway, like most junior army officers, Tom's also a cutting-edge biochemist.


Oh, how Colonel Pince-Nez would be displeased. You know, Tom, you were supposed to go to the Jersey Shore, not make immediately for your laboratory, where it looks like you employ your underage, unsupervised son in the mixing of highly volatile chemicals, in flagrant violation of several laws that didn't yet exist in 1916.

Thus did the young Shield invent the Flaming Pomegranate Cosmo,
that would one day put the fire in "Fire Island".

Actually, this is Joe Higgins IV. Tom's previous sons are dead (Joe I died from sulphuric asphyxiation, Joe II was reduced to handful of dried chemicals caused by Hantzsch pyridine synthesis, and Joe III experienced what the coroner could only deem "spontaneous combustion").

Meanwhile, his dad works to adapt Red Bull as a personal lubricant.

"Let's see, two quarts of Altoids cut with Viagra,
dissolved in a solution of two parts Moxie to one part absinthe..."

Suddenly, the smell of absinthe reminds Tom of his assignment on the Jersey shore...

"You do that, son, because if that suspension is allowed to separate, the components will spark a plasma explosion, vaporizing the apartment and probably a good chunk of Widow Haggerty's place next door. See you soon!"

Of course, instead of going to the Jersey Shore, the easily distracted Tom makes immediately for Georgetown, where he (like every other man) is stalked by Middle Eastern clothiers...


Really. Do NOT go clothes shopping in Georgetown, if you value your life, 'cuz those Middle-Eastern clothiers mean business, and they're armed with shoe trees...

"In the back seat, we have there suits just your size,
you will love the fit, and, for you, a special deal!"

Later, at the Haberdashery of Ambush, Tom escapes out the window while they're having his jacket altered:
Now we know where the Shield gets it from: apparently, the nervous habit of bursting into song at highly inappropriate moments (formally, Ethelmermania, or, colloquially, "Broadway Tour-ette's Syndrome") is genetic. The really gay among you may recognize Tom's little ditty from Act 2 of Cy Coleman's Defenestration Follies of 1940.

TO BE CONTINUED...