Sword of the Atom: 4!!!!

Yeesh, I don't know about you, but after that chunk of synoptic exposition I need a drink. More happens in that box than in a year's subscription to Brian Michael Bendis's Secret War. Of course, in all fairness, that's only five issues.

Rimshot! I told you I'd be here all week, folks.

In issue 4 of Sword of the Atom, the Rebels attack the Teeny Tiny City and succeed only because the evil Skeeve Minister has already primed the palace guards for his own revolt. That's at least a refreshing change from the usual sword epic plot of Hearty Heroes Take the Palace by Killing People Three At A Time While Still Chatting With One Another. Meanwhile, King Moron the Apathetic has finally figured out that the Skeeve Minister is plotting to overthrow him and prepares to announce the treachery to the world.

So, naturally, the rebellion succeeds but the people reconcile with their misunderstood king, the plotter is imprisoned, and the Atom marries the king's daughter and sitteth at his right hand, yes?

No. Guess again.

The King, being an idiot, confronts the Skeeve Minister, who, naturally enough, just stabs the king in the back. Princess Metal-bra shows up just in time to watch Pops bleed to death. Ah, he had it coming; he never even bought her a chair to sit in, for pity's sake.

Dude; why do you let your daughter sit in the I'm The King's Slave-Whore spot? Ick-y.

Then while the Atom and his men are leaping around ridiculously on their saddled frogs, the Skeeve Minister decides to

ACTIVATE

THE

STAR DRIVE!!!!

This is pretty clever plotting, actually. It's already been established that the Wee Folk came to earth on a Teeny Tiny starship, who's power source hasn't been used in forever because they forgot the science behind it many many generations ago. And the power source? Wait for it...

The white dwarf star fragment that Ray was searching for when he fell out of his plane.

Now that, gang, is comic books. And it gets better. After eons of non-maintenance, the dang star drive has a busted framostat and leaks 'white dwarf star radiation' like a sieve. So the badly irradiated, addled, and probably dying Skeeve Minister staggers out into the city brandishing a Toxic Touch of Death (tm), like Prof. Radium. Or Plasmus. Or Clayface. Or Dr. Phosphorus. Or Mano. Or the Red Death. Or Mr. Bones. Or Syonide. Or Shego. Or... well, you get the idea.

"For stealing from Rita Farr's closet I condemn thee to death!"

This leads us to the best (non-Jean Loring) scene of the series, but before we get to it, we'll take a small detour to an earlier scene where the Rebels discover a traitor in their midst who's in cahoots with the Skeeve Minister. So they kindly offer him the Poison Arrow of Self-Hand-Impalement:

Do you think Green Arrow's got one of those, too?

Gee, I don't suppose they could have put that poison in a pill or something.

I'd say this scene scores about a two on the Rolling Head of Pantha Scale; maybe a three, since the arrow comes out the back of his hand and is a fatal wound.

So what happens to the Badly Irradiated Skeeve Minister with the Toxic Touch of Death is at least a three, maybe a four:

Do NOT borrow Roy Harper's Mr. Bubble without asking first.

This scene from 25 years ago is brought to you by the innocent comics of your youth, which, as you keep telling me, would never show graphic violence like the evil comics of today.

With the malfunctioning star drive threatening the city, it helps to have a world-expert in exotic physics on hand to run into the machine and say "This sucker's going to blow!"

Gil Kane! You naughty, naughty man!

But what happens when you put six-inch Ray Palmer with white dwarf star radiation? Six-foot Ray Palmer, of course. The Atom starts to grow back to his normal height, and since the Jungleputians are too stupid even to flee for their lives from the disintegrating star drive, 'giant' Ray begins to kick the city to pieces like an unwanted sand castle in order to drive them away a safe distance, then staggers off just before the big ka-blooey, and collapses by the Amazon river, conked out by the radiation exposure, only to be picked up by some passing boaters who take him to an urban hospital.

Yawn! Let's check in on the real action: Jean Loring.

"Who DARES disturb the Loring? I'll have their guts for garters!"

One of the things that makes Jean Loring's evil so impressive is that she does more of it without even getting out of bed than you or I do in a lifetime.

Jean Loring from Sword of the Atom 1:



Jean Loring from Sword of the Atom 2:


Jean Loring from Sword of the Atom 3:


Jean Loring in Sword of the Atom 4:


Naturally, Ray is impressed by Jean's tenacity.

And overjoyed to be reunited with his beloved wife and return to the comfort of her arms.

I mean, who wouldn't be?


And this, believe it or not, is the end of Sword of the Atom:

Look out, Ray! That purse might contain a miniaturized flamethrower!

So, do you think Jean ...

(a) actually packed that hat and those gloves for a trip to South America's most inaccessible tropicopolis (which = insane)
or

(b) decided, hey, as long as I'm in town, I think I'll go hat shopping instead of looking for my missing husband (which = evil)?