Vibe me!

It would be impossible to replicate the horror of the Justice League's Detroit era, its crabby mischaracterizations, its plots that are somehow simultaneously outre but still tedious, and its brainstomping dialog...


were it not for Steve Englehart.

Even though in his brief run on Batman years ago, Englehart managed to mischaracterize the Joker as an impractical loon rather than a brilliant but incidentally homicidal criminal mastermind and the Penguin as a clue-dropping Riddler clone, I am still going to choose to believe that his current arc in JLA Classified is an ingenius homage to the original awkwardness of Vibe's Jay El Lay, rather than just bad writing with drawn out meandering plotting (plodding?), unrecognizably unpalatable versions of well-known characters, and harsh entendre-driven dialog that makes you sorry you know English.

That choice made... let's revel in how expertly Englehart has mimicked the incomprehensible mess that was the Detroit League! Except, of course, for Vibe, who was aces.

Speaking of aces, this final (?) installment of "Game of Chance" begins with Scooby and the Gang hiding out in a cave from a forest fire started by the Royal Flush Gang. Is the fire an ingenious trap laid by the RFG to disable the only contemporary leaguers with power, intelligence, and experience (the Martian Manhunter and Aquaman)? Ah, no, actually. Queen just forgot to stamp out one of the cigarettes she been constantly smoking through the arc. No, really.

Anyway, J'onn is focused on the most important thing: WHERE has the Royal Flush Gang gone and IF they are nearby WHICH version might they be facing? Apparently, J'onn (and Englehart) forgot that an issue or so ago, the JLA killed two of the original gang and then let the other two go, actually stopping Vibe and Steel from going after them. And, since the gangs are essentially indistinguishable and rely on the same power of "stellaration", it makes no strategic differnce which gang it might be. It's not like the readers care!

It's followed by a cute scene where J'onn sends Vixen and Gypsy to scout ahead (because they're intelligent, prudent, and less likely to blunder their way into a conflict) while making Steel and Vibe stay behind (because they're too loud, aggressive, and stupid). J'onn, you are SO sexist! At least we get a cute panel of Vibe being petulant.

Adorable. Of course you're sneaky, sweetie. And the oufit helps.

Gloriously, this is followed hard upon by an entire pulse-pounding page of Aquaman ...

wait for it ...

falling down.

Phew!
I haven't been that excited since Aquaman found a comb in JLA 242!

Next we learn that the Martian Manhunter lied to them all about their camping trip, which was really just an excuse for him to have the time and opportunity to read their tiny little minds. Sadly, I can't label this an Englehartian mischaracterization of the Noble Martian Manhunter. J'onn's just a creepy snoop who plays headgames. J'onn's always been a creepy snoop who plays headgames.

Then we find out that animal-avatar Vixen plays little naughty games with the "furries" on the weekend:

A lot of guys feel that way, Vixen.

Actually, she's "channeling the powers of Grizzly" because she's in a cave. Apparently she and "Grizzly" are on a first name basis; I wonder, did she know Mr. Chocolate, and, if so, what was his first name?

Anyway, she follows that up with one of the JLDetroiters trademarks: the Apropos-of-nothing Sententious Assertion of Self-Definition ...

"I am the life of Africa -- for better or for worse."

I would say it's for the worse, if true. Are there a lot of grizzly bears in Africa, Vixen?

Have you ever paused to think about what a photo shoot with supermodel Mari (Vixen) McCabe is like? I picture it something like a scene out of Zoolander: "You're a monkey Derek. You're a monkey. Dance, monkey, in your little spangly shoes. Mash your cymbals, chimpy. Dance, Derek, dance." Hm... actually that sounds more like a date with Vibe.

Cut away to Gypsy who, stealthed, is running through the cave in her bare feet (because that's how she does everything), doing an extended interior monologue of Apropos-of-Nothing Sententious Assertions of Self-Definition about being "Roma" and "some of us gypsies have special powers that not even Zatanna could know" and how "J'onn with his telepathy cannot read my thoughts for I have gypsy thoughts."

Um, actually, "Gypsy", your name is Cindy Reynolds, your parents aren't "Roma", you grew up in a suburban Michigan cul-de-sac, which you left when no one would pay attention to your essay on A Tale of Two Cities, and you ran away (apparently, without shoes) to Detroit, where you were a street-thief whom Chuck Dixon dressed look like Cyndi Lauper. (Does Englehart not have access to Wikipedia? Or the DC Encyclopedia? Or Ridelin?) So if Gypsy is thinking any of things that Englehart puts in her thought balloons she is stark raving delusional.

Anyway, so she runs into Amos Fortune who's telling the RFG they're not going to be "stupid hearts or clubs" any more (which is really good, since, um, they were spades or clubs), and magically remodels them into Living Tarot Cards of Doom.

And, no, I did not make that up. Who could? I mean, other than Englehart?

Then, the JLA attacks the RFG, but, more importantly, J'onn J'onnz swears.

The Martian Manhunter swears.

JJ has done some pretty odd stuff over the years. So odd that it's really hard to say that anything's out of character for him (wait till you get a load of his new miniseries!). But having JJ swear is unimaginably out of character and if I had lain awake for 3 nights trying to come up with the least likely things for him to do or say, it still wouldn't have occurred to me to have him swear. Englehart is some kind of genius, I say.

Well, at least we get to see Vibe's Gary Coleman impression:

That is so cute. If I were Mr. Drummond, I'd adopt Vibe in a heartbeat.

Naturally, in the midst of the fight, King falls over dead from coughing (which in *kof* case you *kof* missed it, he's been *kof* doing in every *kof* word balloon for *kof* four koffin' issues) which causes the rest of the gang to start having heart attacks. At this point in the story, I can only ascribe everything about this story -- plot, characterization, dialog, and DC actually printing this comic-- to the effects of stellaration, because it defies all odds and logic.

Oh, and in other developments ...

We learn that "vibe" is a verb, baby.

Vibe me!

While the RFG is kicking the JLA's arse and the cliff in the cave (that's a BIG cave) is collapsing, the inevitable happens: a bear attacks the JLA.

Hey, Vixen, Grizzly called; he wants his powers back.
Oh, and I'm here to tell you the bear is not the only one freaked by this battle

Bear attacks; it's a Detroit thing.

In other ursinological news, we learn that bears do urinate in the woods, and, if possible, on Aquaman:

Urine ... same constituents-- as sea water-- kept me alive -- to help my team...

Well, apparently Vixen not the only one into all sorts of freaky stuff.

So, as the issue ends:

• The RFG loses the fight,
• we learn that Vixen is "in love" with Steel (even though she was sucking face with his godfather, Dale Gunn, about a week ago and hitting on the local preacher as well... oh, and has barely said 5 words to him in the entire JLDetroit run),
• we find out that Gypsy has precognition and knows how Vibe and Steel are going to die but doesn't warn them about it (because, like Supergirl, she doesn't believe you can change the future, so I guess it's good she didn't figure out Despero was going to kill her parents, huh?),
• but it's all okay because, well...

Vibe is still irresistible to any and all.

P.S. Note the joyous news that the story is CONTINUED IN THIS WEEK'S JSA CLASSIFIED.