Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Tranquiliz-Globes

Drugs? We're from the 30th century; we don't need no stinkin' drugs!


Yes, folks, "Tranquiliz-Globes"(tm) will bring you relaxation and serenity ... by microwaving your brain.

Screw primitive 20th century voodoo like aromatherapy; in the 30th century, we attack the problem at its source: your brain. So effective are Tranquiliz-Globes that the salesdude can't even be bothered to change out of his bathrobe. Now that's tranquil.

Tranquiliz-Globes are not merely functional, but decorative! They come in a variety of designer colors sure to match any primary-hued home: Relaxo-Red, Glassy-Eyed Gold, and Lobotomy Lime. So, cast aside those tight plastiform cinchbelts and constricting metallene neo-tribal armbands and soak up the serenity of Tranquiliz-Globes.

While boiz and grrlz all enjoy Tranquiliz-Globes, some people are more susceptible to their charms:
Globe-girl's into it; like, "who needs a boyfriend when I've got Tranquiliz-Globes" kind of into it. She used to tell her man, "I have a headache" -- but not so with Tranquiliz-Globes! I'm guessing the effect is cumulative and this isn't her first Friday night with the globes; bet she's even got some in her walk-in closet.

In fact, use them often enough, and the haiku just .... flow naturally:

"How... soothing! I had
a headache before but now,
I feel -- wonderful!"


What haiku do Tranquiliz-Globes inspire ... in YOU?
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19 comments:

  1. Jeremy Rizza3/21/2006 7:26 AM

    Hee! That's got to be some Jerry Siegel dialog. He enjoyed using... ellipses!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mark3/21/2006 7:53 AM

    Become so relaxed
    That you don't notice the stench
    of microwaved brains

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous3/21/2006 8:59 AM

    Dangling, vibrating
    balls. No wonder Element
    Lad is never home.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Shawn Levasseur3/21/2006 10:34 AM

    Cross reference with the "Orbs" from Woody Allen's "Sleeper"

    ReplyDelete
  5. Jake3/21/2006 10:51 AM

    I'm relaxing while
    cooking my brain in my skull.
    Thanks Tranquiliz-Globes!

    Warning: Using Tranquiliz-Globes may result in nausea, diarrhea, headache, upset stomach, liver failure, sexual side effects, or death.

    Before using Tranquiliz-Globes, tell your doctor if you have cholecystitis, biliary obstruction, gallstone pancreatitis, or biliary-gastrointestinal fistula.

    Tranquiliz-Globes should not be used by women who are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant.

    Tranquiliz-Globes is a subsidiary of Kenmore.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous3/21/2006 11:41 AM

    Mother's Lil' Helper:
    New! Keep your overworked brain
    Enthralled by big balls!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Jeremy Rizza3/21/2006 12:43 PM

    I was so delightfully bemused I forgot to haiku earlier.

    My Tranquliz-Globes
    Relax your minds; plus there's the
    Roofies I slipped you.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Canton3/21/2006 12:59 PM

    Tranquiliz-Globes steeped
    In chamomile and incense.
    No, really. Honest.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Michael3/21/2006 1:07 PM

    Serenity now!
    Tranquiliz-Globes nuke your brain.
    Happy Festivus!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous3/21/2006 2:24 PM

    How did I get by
    Without my Tranquiliz-Globe?
    Oh, yeah! My brain worked!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Jeff R.3/21/2006 2:37 PM

    Headaches caused by the
    Planetary Chance Machine
    Cured by microwaves.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Jeff R.3/21/2006 4:37 PM

    (Globes and planets: my!
    In the future, everyone
    can be Hal Jordan)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Anonymous3/21/2006 4:39 PM

    To fully enjoy
    Tranquiliz-Globes, don't forget:
    Doff your tin-foil hat.


    You can trust your brain
    To the man in the yellow
    Bathrobe! Dig his globes!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Anonymous3/21/2006 5:45 PM

    The yellow bathrobe:
    A thirtieth century
    Lavatory?

    (Sorry, the typo "change out of his bathroom" screams for interpretation as "wearable toilets--OF THE FUTURE!"

    ReplyDelete
  15. Anonymous3/21/2006 5:47 PM

    Note that there's only four syllables in "lavatory".

    My meter weeps.

    Please add "gown" to that line if you're so inclined.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Scipio3/21/2006 8:57 PM

    Any reference to the Planetary Chance Machine automatically wins.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Anonymous3/21/2006 9:44 PM

    Can you feel the waves?
    Tranquiliz baking my brain,
    Maybe Bush was right

    ReplyDelete
  18. Anonymous3/21/2006 10:52 PM

    Scipio, I've been listening to Big Monkey Radio -- it's excellent. Any plans to do a podcast? It would be excellent.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Steven3/21/2006 10:53 PM

    Thank you, Jeff R. Thank you Scipio, for introducing me to the Planetary Chance Machine.

    I now know joy like I have never known before.

    ReplyDelete