I need Crisis Counseling!

Okay, gang; I need some help with the most recent (#5) issue of Infinite Crisis. I've loved the series, on the whole, but 5 left me saying "what the fo?" far too many times not to seek some "crisis counseling"... .

1. "They want to hold a Mass for everyone with a cape." Wait, so the world is falling apart, heroes are needed everywhere, and they all stop for a wafer break? What the fo? Also, I assume DC editorial is sufficiently godless not to understand that a Mass is a specific Catholic ritual with mystic transubstantiation and deophagy and not just "a hand-holding session in a cathedral". I'll just pretend "mass" is a typo for "service", and leave it at that; or maybe Mister Terrific was just being snide.

Oh, and DC? Showing us that there are people painfully excluded doesn't make their exclusion any less tacky. Still... it was nice to see somebody use the Gotham Cathedral for a change.

2. So, Hal ... when did flying inside the cathedral seem like a good idea to you? Is your leg broken that you couldn't walk the 30 feet to the door? Afraid of tripping?

3. Stripe -- you need a Ricki Lake makeover. You look like Frankenstein Junior.

4. "Why do I get the funny feelin' in my gut that we ain't the only ones here?" Gee, Ted, no reason, except because that's the kind of awkward transition phrase someone thought was needed to get us to the next sequence with Lois and Clark at the Daily Star. Note to writers on Wildcat's dialog: Ted Grant was almost a licensed physician; he's not Ben Grimm. I'll just pretend Johns let Wolfman write that panel.

5. So, Booster ... do you not have Bruce's phone number? Or was it more fun to go creeping around the Batcave, knowing your butt will get caught in some byzantine bat-trap? Or did someone just think that would be cool to draw?

6. Okay, Biker-shorts Superboy floating unconscious in a giant test tube is very hot. But, even though I read the Titan issue where they taking him to Luthor's Lair to get fixed, I have next to no idea when Luthor showed up, where the Titans are, or, for that matter, what the fo. At least I finally figured out why Lex was fondling Connor's jeans... .

7. Golden Age Superman is a total moron. Well, at least it makes our Superman look good.

8. Enough with the veneration of Golden Age Lois. Some of us, you know, have actually read the stories she appears and know full well that she was a vicious emasculating witch. I will believe a man can fly; I will not believe that Lois's poop don't stink.

9. Hi, Golden Age Wonder Woman (a.k.a. old lady in an age-inappropriate bathing costume)! Nice of you to sacrifice your eternal existence (and your husband's life) for a pointless guess spot playing Dr. Phil/Space Cabbie for Diana. Oh, by the way, your name isn't Diana Prince; that was someone else, whose identity you stole (or, rather, bought).

10. Earth Eight. Heh. I like that; I want to know who else really belongs on Earth-8. Is Earth-S Earth-5 or Earth-7? I guess the S (Shazam!) stands for 7.

11. Batman's Anti-Eye Team. Nice. Good group. I noticed Batman picked a crew of people who understand what it's like not to have superpowers. Smart, both emotionally and strategically, given the opponent.

12. Okay, I can accept that we needed the two-page spread of the alter-earths floating in the sky. But did we need to precede it with a two-page spread of Nightwing standing in an empty room? Who came up with that ... Devin Greyson?

13. Oh, hey, there's Superboy. At Titans Tower. Um, I guess he got out of the tube, changed out of the biker shorts, and flew over. I guess. Maybe he's still wearing the biker shorts, under the jeans? That's hot.

14. Dr. Light the hero? Didn't you just have all the power sucked out of her by Dr. Light the villain? Is there explanation of this, or did someone not know, or did someone say, "It's Crisis, we have to have her in it somewhere?" It's really not a good idea to have a hero and villain with the same name; kill her off or depower her, which would be a nice bookend to her creation in the first Crisis.

15. Barry's back. Good. Let's just leave it that way.

16. Oh, Superboy Prime -- dear. Shoulder pads?!? You are such an '80s character; go see Blockade Boy right away.

P.S. I don't care how super your hearing is, Clark; sound doesn't travel across the void of space between Earths 1 and 2. In space, no one can hear you scream "Lois!"...