Saturday, November 13, 2010

Leni Riefenstahl's Revenge!

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

So, H of the Comic Treadmill-- you're telling me there are...

It's a poseidon-send for Aquaman! DC editors/writers, wake up and do something with this.

It writes itself. Decades later, a Nazi underwater colony, tired of living like bums, attack Sub Diego. Or just start raiding ships. Let's see, this would be an excuse for Aquaman to team up with, say, Uncle Sam, who would look hilarious traipsing around on the ocean floor, not needing air, but still wearing redwhitenblue scuba gear and spouting folksy comebacks. Or even Black Manta, who is probably not someone U-Nazis would like very much. Aquaman and Black Manta teaming up to fight underwater Nazis? TELL me you wouldn't read that.

Now, naturally, Aquaman could mop up these aquanazis with no help at all, except for some Finny Friends. Face it, if you're just schlepping around underwater with no real weapons or protection and Aquaman gets mad at you--well, Nereus help you, 'cuz the sharks sure won't.

So, maybe these Nazis have acquired supernatural powers. Maybe they got bitten by one of the underwater vampires Swamp Thing killed in the 1980s, or the events of Blackest Night have turned them into underwater Nazi zombies, or Ocean Master is their new Fuehrer. Whatever! Just start TYPING, DC creative pool.

I swan! There's seventy years worth of crazy crap lurking in and around the DCU's oceans for Aquaman to deal with. When is DC going to get their act together and start using it?

Friday, November 12, 2010

If This Week were a Comic Book

If this week had been a comic book it would have been something like this.

Aquaman came to the rescue of a stranded cruise ship today. While delighted passengers watched with amazement, crustaceans crawled up the hull of the ship, carrying electric eels which they hooked up to power the generators, then graciously jumped into steam-pots to become the evening’s dinner, “My finny friends, even the ones without fins, are always happy to lend a claw to the over-privileged land-dwellers who prey on them," Aquaman said. “Might as well be comfortable while we are waiting for whales to tow the ship back to shore!” Ship’s engineers have confirmed that they have enough Spam to feed the electric eels that are continuing to power the air conditioners, casino, and karaoke machines.

Gabrielle Doe, a.k.a. “Halo”, marvels at how far she’s gone on “Dancing with the Superheroes”.

The Prime Minister of Italy received a vote of Extra Confidence today for hiring time consultant Rip Hunter to repair the 2000 year old House of the Gladiators near Mount Vesuvius. “It was not merely a cultural imperative, but a practical matter,” the PM pointed out. “He’s much cheaper than Cave Carson…"

Haitian government admits to inaction on cholera epidemic. “With all the super-science available at the Haiti office of STAR Labs, we could probably stop it immediately, using, oh, nanobots or some such,“ said Haitian President Wyclef Jean. “But we’ve kind of been hoping it would activate somebody’s metagene so we could have our own national superhero. Every year, we try to have several major disasters of a various kinds, just in case. In fact, we keep Paul Booker on retainer.”

President Obama arrived in Indonesia this week for a meeting with assembled superheroes of the archipelago, including Prince Elongated and Princess Star. Aquanus had been scheduled to join them , but was detained helping Aquaman take care of a cruiseshipful of spoiled Americans. The meeting went well, despite a potentially embarrassing incident where Herbintang disintegrated the main course at the ceremonial dinner. “It’s quite alright,” Obama quipped, “I hate Indonesian food any way!” The assembled heroes duly laughed at the president's lame joke for nearly 30 seconds while the credits rolled.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Grodd's Arboreal Imperative

And then there was that time Gorilla Grodd went on a severe diet.
And shaved his head.
And the rest of his body.
And became a human being who shops at an Amish clothing store.
And popped pills that make him think he can command trees.

Someone gave me some pills once in college that made me think I could command trees.
I had to skip the rest of the semester.

Yes, that really is Gorilla Grodd. And whatever drugs Grodd is taking have turned him into a hairless human, made him hallucinate that he can command trees, and, worst of all, caused him to build a salmon-colored factory with highly inappropriate architecture.

AND YET, still those drugs cannot diminish his ability to compose haiku, even when no one's looking.

Now to see how well
the pill works! Tree! Come t'ward me!
Tree! I command you!

Now THAT is some comic book haiku; you impress me, Grodd. If only you devoted your Force of Mind exclusively to creating haiku rather than enslaving humanity!

What haiku can YOU, dear readers, compose to celebrate Grodd's impressive achievement, even under the influence of mind&body-altering drugs?

Sunday, November 07, 2010

Silent Support

Lois is so supportive; she just can't help herself!

It's not like she sits around waiting for Superman to ask her out. She dates other guys, and supports them ... in her own inimitable way.

Like her beau, "Knuckles" Colosimo. Nice guy. Favors white fedoras. Volunteers at the local shelter, even.

If he has one "vice" it's his monthly underground spelling bee. Everybody antes up with phosphorescent poker chips, and tests one another's orthographicality.

Lois knew how much the city championship meant to Knuckles. She simply had to be there to cheer him on. Of course, she didn't want to be a distraction, so she put on a red dress, white gloves, and a veil, and hid on the roof, watching the competition through the skylight. So that no one would see her.

But when Knuckles was given the word "doctrinaire", she panicked. The championship was riding on it, and Knuckles always had such trouble remembering the gender of words of French origin! Poor Lo-Lo wanted to help, to shout out, as she pressed herself closer and closer to the weakening skylight, and Knuckles spelled out "A...I... R..."

Oh, no! No, Knuckles!
Don't stop!