Friday, September 28, 2007

Things That Made Me Happy...

in my comics this week.

  • Pa Luthor.
  • Wendy and Marvin's unorthodox weightlifting program.
  • The Duke of Deception. Good to see ya again!
  • The Return of Uncle Sam and the Freedom Fighters. For a few pages, at least!
  • Brimstone with a starrophyte on its face.
  • Nazi Flash's costume.
  • Black Condor versus Firebrand on American Indian history.
  • Jimmy Olsen is a very hot mer-man. Bait my hook!
  • Tim's plan for making a 'real difference'. Tim Drake; still the coolest person in the DCU.
  • Circe's 'gift'. Clever way of having our cake and eating it, too. I like it. But I have little expectation that it will continue...
  • Martian Manhunter with a starrophyte on his face.
  • The Mask? Yeah, we definitely need her in WW's Rogues Gallery.
  • The Crime Society.
  • "He needs our help with his sexy fight!"
  • Wonder Girl I and Wonder Girl II are Nightwing and Robin. Yes, they are; the Dynastic Centerpiece model will not be denied.
  • Blue Beetle is a good student, and teaches Dr. Zuel a lesson.
  • Okay, could the dirty stinking Rannies have been any more vile to Adam Stranger this week? The scorpion stings, Adam; it is its nature.
  • We use their bones as fertilizer on the next crop? Now, THAT is over the top villainy.
  • Careful, Mxyzptlk; stare at the Fourth Wall long enough, and it will stare back at you!
  • Jaime Reyes's parents can make me cry every time they appear; it's their superpower.
  • The Red Bee's Ironically Apt Empowerment takes a turn for the worse.
  • Lex Luthor frenching Lois Lane.
  • What Lex Luthor did after frenching Lois Lane.
  • Heinrich Himmler as Max Headroom.
  • Heh. Timberwolf came before Wolverine. Never forget that.
  • PLEASE please please tell her name is "White Canary"... . PLEASE.
  • Jason Todd the Wishbone.
  • Piranhas and wasps in a death trap? Nice one, Morrison!
  • How Peacemaker ruined his boots in Arizona.
  • Snapper Carr versus Starro, I expected. Snapper Carr versus the Trinity, I did not expect.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Why We Hate Adam Strange and Rannies

I have always enjoyed having prowess with words, and have striven toward expressing any of my thoughts or feelings with clarity, and, if possible, with style. But I have fallen into hubris by thinking myself capable of expressing any of my thoughts or feelings.

The gods punish hubris. In my case, with the Showcase Presents: Adam Strange edition.

Just as Adam Strange vanquishes the absurd dangers that beset the feeble Rannians daily, so too he defies my vainly vaunted powers of self-expression. For my abilities in English fail utterly to find a way to express my hatred of Adam Strange and the dirty, stinking Rannians he protects, a hatred that burns hotter than the triple suns of Alpha Centauri.

A triple-sun with a stable planetary system? I can barely type that without stuttering in indignation for Gardner Fox's mockery of science!

My hatred of Adam Strange and the Dirty Stinking Rannies is a matter of public record, and the reasons are clear. That hatred was, indeed, almost my first "theme" on this blog. So the Showcase Presents: Adam Strange edition is like a 510-page slap across the face.

I bought it the day it came out. I read it every day. I am still not finished it, because every few panels I have to scream, or gargle, or wash my hands, or have my spleen attended to.

But it will not defeat me. I am no mere Cloud Creature or Giant Living Atom. I will not bow to thee, "Champion of Rann". Though it may take the remainder of my days, I shall document your turpitudes for all the world to see.

Those who do not truly believe they will be wanted content themselves with being needed, and Adam Strange is their avatar. And there are no needier people than the enfeebled Rannians, who can invent a beam for instantaneous teleportation across 25 trillion miles, but can't change a light bulb without the help of a fin-headed archaeologist that Josh Bernstein could beat up in under 60 seconds. It is the ultimate dysfunctional relationship in comics, with Adam Strange enmeshed in a codependency with an ENTIRE PLANET. Shudder.

On earth, children play at being cowboys, or astronauts, or heroes.

On Rann? Children play...

at being saved by Adam Strange.

Monday, September 24, 2007

The Madness of Queen Jean: The End...?!

When last we left Carter and Ray, they were imprisoned together and wearing harnesses (much like the young gentlemen in that film classic, The Super-Stalag of Space; but I digress).

Love really is blue.

Presiding over their cerulean imprisonment is the madwoman, Queen Jean, who answers the decades long mystery of "Whatever did happen to Phantom Lady's original outfit?"

Ray. Dude. It's been exactly one day. Man up.

So Hawkman and Atom decide to fall for each other... literally. They fake their deaths by falling over a cliff (saved, of course, by Hawkman's wondrous Nth metal).

The shock of seeing her lover plummet to his death breaks through Jean's madness, and she cries out to terrified agony at her loss!

Or not.

Then the Atom frees himself and Hawkman from their anti-theft harnesses using DC-patented silver-age-superscience.

Or simply "stuff like electricity".

Hawkman looks so disappointed when he says, "the harness is free". You know how he likes harnesses; I think he was hoping the Atom was hooking those electric cables to his nipples. Thanagarians are not delicate people.

Then, as they rush to kidnap Queen Jean and make their escape, Hawkman, in an uncharacteristically Morrisonesque violation of the fourth wall, comments on virtually every man I've ever dated...

Hook electric cables to your nipples too much, Hawkman,
and you burn them right off.

And if you don't laugh, I'll cave your skull in with my mace.

Once they reach Queen Jean, her relief at her imminent rescue is palpable!
Or not.

So, rather than using Hawkman's brawn or the Atom's brains, Ray guilts Don Quixote into letting them go with a black belt Emo-chop.

"These aren't the droids you're looking for..."

Frankly, I think Don's just terrified of Jean, and is happy to be rid of her.

So, Ray re-enbiggens them all, and Jean regains her senses

or they cure her.

Or not.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Heroclix Pogs: The Gashouser

Sunday is Special Pog Day at the Absorbascon and today's is a special guy: The Gashouser.

A "gashouser" is a barroom brawler, the kind of guy who turns violent and nasty when he's got some liquor in him (which is most of the time) and spend their nights shanking other ne'er-do-wells in the guts and smashing barstools over heads. You can see it just by looking in his eye! And remember, the last guy who called him "Pretty Boy" is still eating through a straw... .

He was probably some sort of sturdy dockworker before he turned to crime. As long as I'm getting into a fight every night, he thought, I might as well get paid for it!

Even at his young age, he's been in so many fights, he's developed Flurry and Combat Reflexes (like former boxing champ Rocky Davis of the Challengers of the Unknown, from whose token his combat values are taken).

Pity his poor Irish mother, who probably cries herself to sleep every night thinking of how far her little boy Percival has strayed, and it's anyone's guess whether he's broken more men's bones or ladies' hearts... .

The part of the Gashouser is being played by this guy.

Swimming Trophies

Finny friends, come to my aid! The all-power internet can't solve this riddle for me, but I bet you can.

Like Batman and Superman, Aquaman had a Hall of Trophies. It was in the Aquacave.

1. What items do we know were in the Aquacave?
2. What items are likely to have shown up as trophies, even if we never actually saw them?

I'm thinking of making a Heroclix map for the Aquacave, and I just gotta know what was in it...