What Aquaman Does

Some sad Marvel cynic on another blog (which shall remain nameless) finds it oh-so-amusing that silly DC folk like me (including me specifically) can be so passionate over an 'obvious D lister' like Aquaman.

Uh-huh. Well, I know what Aquaman can do. I don't really know what Namor does, other than throw hissy fits and make long speeches while bursting through the surface of the sea; I mean, Lloyd Bridges can do that on a bad day. I guess Namor's pointy ears, itsy bitsy footsie wings, and preposterous speech patterns make him cool.

I wouldn't know what's cool; after all, I read Aquaman.

Anyway, for those who just don't get it, this may help.

Here's Aquaman, casually bitch-slapping all-powerful sorceror Felix Faust into submission with some flying fish while the entire Justice League stands around pathetically helpless. "Thud", you'll note, is the sound of a wizard getting hit in the face with a fish.

Superman stops you. Batman captures you. Wonder Woman defeats you.

Aquaman humilates you.
Utterly.
Every time.

Everyone bested by Aquaman is publicly humiliated, with an indelible scarring effect on their permanent criminal record.


"Say, Shifty-- how'd you wind up here in the joint?"

"Oh, in mid-heist, I was bitch-slapped by a flying fish, then after being pinned to wall by an archery-trained octopus, tiny hermit crabs attacked my testicles and my screaming brought the cops. And all the while, Aquaman just stood off to the side with his hands on his hips, laughing and laughing...."


Do you have any idea what happens in prison to people who've been captured by sealife? I don't like to think about it. Okay, okay-- I do like to think about it, but that's beside the point. Let's just say it's the kind of stuff even HBO won't show.


Being humiliated by Aquaman ends your criminal career. That's why the guy's got next to no rogue's gallery; no one wants to go up against Aquaman a second time. Cutlass Charlie? The Invisible Un-Thing? Shark Nelson? Even the AWESOME HUMAN FLYING FISH? Gone; done; history.

Everyone's afraid to tackle him; it seems easy, but when he beats you -- and he will -- he will humiliate you and your career will be over. Nope; it's just too great a risk.

Aquaman does not have time to punch you; he's too busy laughing. Got to wrap this up quickly, so I can get to bed and dream up new ways of torturing people with fish! "Ever wonder what it would be like if a pufferfish swam down your throat while an electric eel nested in your colon? Let's find out!!!"

The man loves his work. I do, too.