The Absorbascon

I agree with Sherri Ly of Fox News about DC Comics!

2012-01-20T10:55:00.030-05:00

Sherri Ly of Fox News,

Thank you SO MUCH for speaking out the TRUTH about DC Comics!

WASHINGTON - Most people think of comic books for kids,

Kids of ALL ages! Why, Simba Information claims that one in four comic book readers are over 65!

but many of today's comics are anything but that. Turn the pages of DC Comics now and you will find plenty of blood, sex and violence.

It's a sign of the times, I'm afraid. Like you, Sherri, I miss the good old days when DC Comics would never have been sullied with

blood

sex

and violence.

It is part of an edgy makeover that has caused controversy among some comic fans.

And it takes so much to provoke controversy this famously placid fanbase, Sherri! Clearly, this is world's worse than when Speedball became Penance, when a Latin America wrestler broke Batman in half over his knee, and when Superman/Flash/Wonder Woman/Green Lantern killed Zod/Zoom/Max Lord/the entire Green Lantern Corps and then the entire universe. .

DC Comics' characters include the likes of Batman, Wonder Woman and Superman.

Ah, sorry, Sherri; otherwise I agree with you completely, but I must correct you on this one small point. There are no characters that are "the likes of Batman, Wonder Woman, and Superman." Only Batman, Wonder Woman, and Superman are "the likes of Batman, Wonder Woman, and Superman." I am surprised a comic book expert like you doesn't know that.

Today, some of these superheroes would make Archie and Veronica blush. "They more or less darkened the characters up. Today, they introduce a lot more reality into it like homosexuality, adultery, all that stuff. It's in the books now," said comic collector Joe Blackwell.

Oh, SO true! I weep that the home medium of Archie and Veronica is being sullied by

violent superheroes

homosexuality

and adultery.

He started reading comics when he was eight years old, but they didn't look like the ones in stores now.

Joe Blackwell? The one in the "Rap with Cap" letters column in Captain America Vol 1 #160 (April 1973)? He's about my age then!

There is Batman and Catwoman having sex on the rooftop,

Remember this one from our childhood, Joe?

a drunken Bruce Wayne,

or the Batman Year One adaptation?

and graphic images of blood-splattered battles with heads chopped off.

Can't they keep it tidy, as they did in the Golden Age?

Sigh; we all miss the Spectre.

"It's sort of like a fictionalized Playboy for kids at its worst,"

said Neil Bernstein, Ph.D., a child psychologist and author of "How to Keep Your Teenager Out of Trouble."

Hm. That sounds way too much like a "Delinquency for Dummies" book; needs a punchier title!

Critics worry the once family friendly genre has gone too far. Psychologists point out the overexposure to sex and violence for young children can encourage aggression.

"I think too many kids would be put in harm's way or at risk," Bernstein said.

The female characters are more sexualized.

Totally with you on this point, Sherri. In my house, only MEN can be sexualized, like it should be.

One of the most noticeable transformations is Starfire. The character goes from a kids Cartoon Network superhero in a full-length jumpsuit to a scantily clad, voluptuous version in the comic Red Hood and the Outlaws. This Starfire is shown in a barely there bikini or the equivalent of pasties over her breasts and a thong. "Do you want to have sex?" she says propositioning her boyfriend's pal, and later says, "Love has nothing to do with it."

Oh, agreed! I don't know why they couldn't have just stuck her original portrayal:

I much preferred her as an unwilling sex-slave of sadistic slavering masters. This whole independent woman with an uppity "Down With Love" attitude approach? It sends the wrong message.

It is these kind of images and suggestive language that concern Bernstein.

"It's a misrepresentation of reality. It sends the wrong message," he said.

It's true, it is a misrepresentation of reality; few comic book readers are going to have voluptuous, scantily clad women asking them for one-night stands. Particularly alien princesses. I can honestly say it has never happened to me!

Relationships are portrayed as one night stands with rampant promiscuity. The treatment of women is more misogynistic.

"We want our kids to think sex is an act between two consenting mature individuals who care deeply for one another. That doesn't really come across and it's too easily to misconstrue things particularly for a kid," Bernstein said.

Sigh. We all miss Jim Corrigan.

The changes to DC comics appear to mirror the changes on the big screen. Remember the original Batman TV series? The superhero defeated the villains without a drop of blood shed. Fake punches came with a "Kapow" across the screen. Compare that to 2008’s Batman: The Dark Knight. In the comic world, that sells.

Indeed; any pre-New52 hero worth his salt knew how to do it tastefully:

snap their necks. Just as fatal as decapitation, but less blood. Saves on red ink, too. Kids need to know that being a criminal--and fighting them-- can be a clean and pleasant experience for everyone, including any bystanders watching.

"I think they're definitely trying to push the envelope, get people's attention with it," said Jared Smith, President of Big Planet Comics.

He sells hundred of titles at his Vienna, Va. comic book store, some for adults, some for kids. The re-launch of DC Comics he says drew a lot of attention. Sales surged for the new editions. A lot was driven by the hype, but sales he says have since leveled off. Many liked what they saw, but some turned off fans stopped buying.

"It made a lot of people unhappy with it or it was something they just didn't want to read," Smith said.

Important point, Sherri! I'm sure the reason that most of fans were unhappy was because Starfire was underclad, rather than, say, that DC invalidated most of the continuity they'd had spend the last thirty years patiently reading and paying for. Because, heaven knows, if it weren't for Starfire's overt sexuality ruining it, I'm sure I'd be an avid follower of Red Hood and the Outlaws.

These types of changes seem to be cyclical with comics to drive up sales. Smith says DC Comics had fallen behind its main rival Marvel and wanted to make a big change. In the last five years, he said DC Comics has gone from a more "lighthearted" comic that is "fun adventure for everyone" to one that is "much more violent, and in some cases, much more graphic in the violence."

I agree, Sherri, completely with your decision to point out that DC is only turning "darker" to keep up with Marvel, which is relentlessly grim with wife-beater Henry Pim, alcoholic man-whore Tony Stark, and obvious repressed-homosexual Dr Doom. But I also agree with your decision to focus only on DC's shortcomings and ignore Marvel's, whose big-budget movie success for 20th Century Fox are probably part of what is making Fox News criticism of DC Comics possible.

DC Comics was contacted for the story, but would not discuss its reasons for the re-launch or the content of its books. In a presentation, Smith says DC Comics "described what they were trying to do was to boost their sales, but they also wanted to bring back some old readers who may not read comics anymore, but also attract new people who have never read comics."

Based on his sales, Smith says the company was successful at getting lapsed readers to come back, but not necessarily bring in new comic fans.

DC Comics uses a voluntary rating system, like others in the industry. It serves as a guideline for buyers and there is no requirement that stores enforce it. The racier more graphic comics are rated teen (T) or teen plus (T+). That means they are not meant for young kids to read.

Middle schoolers who saw the comics had mixed reaction on the age appropriateness of the images. "There's a lot of sexual activity," Diego Meneses said immediately after looking at an edition of Catwoman. Under the guidelines, Catwoman's rating is T+. Meneses said you should be at least 16 years old to read it.

Look, I'm 100% on your side, Sherri; so, just one word to the wise: probably not a good idea to make a 12 year-old read something labelled by its publisher as "for ages 16 and up". Oh, and don't take little Diego to see "The Exorcist" or "Deep Throat".

Marguerita Garcia's jaw dropped when she took one look at the comics. "Scary," she said.

Garcia has an 11-year-old daughter who likes to read comics.

As in Archie & Veronica? Or as in Punisher War Journal? I think specifics will really help us make our case, Sherri!

She says parents need to be aware of what their kids are watching and reading. As for these comics, she said "I think it's too much even for 15."

I know! It's very disturbing and frustrating! If only publishers had a simple convenient labeling system for indicating that a book isn't for any 15 or younger!

Another 12-year-old didn't flinch at the images in Batman Detective Comics with the Joker's bloody head pinned to the wall.

Now, Sherri! Let's not overact, as that could undercut our case. That's not the Joker's head, just the skin peeled of from his face. As a comic book expert, you should be a little more particular about what qualifies as decapitation.

"It looks pretty awesome. It has a lot of colors … It's pretty creepy to look at, but not too much," he said.

Hm. One of those is gross. The other is terrifying. Your mileage may vary.

The content of the teen and teen plus rated comics seem contradictory to the audience targeted by the advertising inside. The images of bloodied bodies and sex scenes are accompanied by ads for Legos and milk.

I agrees; it's kind of sad really. Given the bloodied bodies and sex scenes, some ads like these would work much better:

"Why are we advertising for little kids in a comic book that's rated for mature teens? What's wrong with this?" asked Dr. Bernstein.

It's an interesting point! I just assume it's because in current society mature teens are the people most likely to have little kids.

At Big Planet Comics, Smith points parents who come looking to the kids section. The more mature DC Comics he tells them are not for young readers.

"There was definitely a shift on some of them towards a much more R-rated type of comic book," Smith said.

Don't expect that to change. DC comics is banking this is the future

Oh, and the past, too!

Scipio reads the Solicits

2012-01-17T12:17:00.003-05:00

JUSTICE LEAGUE #8
Written by GEOFF JOHNS
Art by CARLOS D’ANDA
Backup story art by GARY FRANK
Cover by JIM LEE and SCOTT WILLIAMS
1:25 Variant cover by MIKE CHOI
1:200 B&W Variant cover by JIM LEE
On sale APRIL 18 • 40 pg, FC, $3.99 US • RATED T
Combo pack edition: $4.99 US
In the five years that the Justice League has been a team, Green Arrow has never once been a member. And he intends to rectify that right here, right now! One member against his candidacy: Aquaman!
Plus, in “The Curse of Shazam” part 2, Billy arrives in his new foster home just as an ancient evil is uncovered halfway across the world.
This issue is also offered as a special combo pack edition, polybagged with a redemption code for a digital download of this issue.

ZOMG, cannot wait to watch Johns's Aquaman dissing Green Arrow. Or just punching him in the quiver.

JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL #8
Written by DAN JURGENS
Art by AARON LOPRESTI and MATT RYAN
Cover by DAVID FINCH and RICHARD FRIEND
On sale APRIL 4 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US • RATED T
The plan was for the JLI was to be installed as Earth’s official protective team. But once Breakdown attacked, that all came to a swift and sudden end. Now, as the pall of death and injury hang over the team, all that matters is survival. Featuring the introduction of a surprise new team member!

Well, that's cheery. Now with 63% less 'bwahaha' than the next leading brand. Isn't it vaguely odd that JLA should be funnier than JLI? And a surprise new team member? I assume this will be Vibe, whose appearance in the N52 is overdue. Perhaps this time he'll actually be from Puerto Rico. Or Tenerife. There's a LOT of dancing on Tenerife.

(Previous interior art shown)

AQUAMAN #8
Written by GEOFF JOHNS
Art and cover by IVAN REIS and JOE PRADO
1:25 B&W Variant cover by IVAN REIS and JOE PRADO
On sale APRIL 25 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US • RATED T
Part 2 of “The Other League”! As a deadly hunter continues his murderous quest for the Atlantean trident, an unknown chapter of Aquaman’s life is revealed! Before he was a part of the Justice League, Aquaman was Arthur, the man from Atlantis, and leader of a mysterious team of adventurers. Armed with weapons forged in Aquaman’s past, these men and women were on their way to becoming the most powerful people on Earth – until it all came crashing down.

Deadly hunter = ... the Fisherman? Let's hope so. A mysterious team of adventurers = ... the Sea Devils? NEPTUNE PLEASE let it be the Sea Devils.

WONDER WOMAN #8
Written by BRIAN AZZARELLO and CLIFF CHIANG
Art and cover by CLIFF CHIANG
1:25 B&W Variant cover by CLIFF CHIANG
On sale APRIL 18 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US • RATED T
To march on Hell itself, you’re going to need some sensational weapons – and Wonder Woman intends to call in a few family favors to get them! Armor of Hephaestus? Check. The pistols of Eros? Check! But will any of it be enough to wrest an innocent soul from the grasp of Hades? And what does Hermes know that Diana doesn’t…yet?

BWAHAHAHAHAHA, Wonder Woman pulls a Punisher pose with the Pistols of Eros; "Eat hot desire from my love gun, suckers!" This is automatically one of the greatest covers of all time. Kudos unto Azzarello for realizing that the Olympians aren't Amish and, just as in the ancient world, their appearances and tools would reflect the current state of humanity.

THE FLASH #8
Written by FRANCIS MANAPUL and BRIAN BUCCELLATO
Art by FRANCIS MANAPUL
Variant cover by KENNETH ROCAFORT
1:200 B&W Variant cover by FRANCIS MANAPUL
On sale APRIL 25 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US • RATED T
The Flash gets pulled into the Speed Force that gives him his super-speed powers…and he learns he’s not alone in there! Introducing Turbine, a prisoner of the Speed Force who just wants out – even if it means trading places with The Flash!

THANK MERCURY for new Flash villains. I am SO sick of the Rogues.

CAPTAIN ATOM #8
Written by J.T. KRUL
Art by FREDDIE WILLIAMS II
Cover by MIKE CHOI
On sale APRIL 18 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US • RATED T
Ever since a tragic accident turned him into the überpowerful Captain Atom, Nathaniel Adam has wanted nothing more than to connect and relate to the people around him again. But coming face-to-face with a future version of himself is not what he had in mind! What is the meaning for this strange encounter? What impending doom is the future Captain Atom trying to avoid? And what exactly is the timestream?!

My only real question is when Captain Atom meets himself is he as bored by him as we are?

THE FURY OF FIRESTORM: THE NUCLEAR MEN #8
Written by JOE HARRIS and ETHAN VAN SCIVER
Art and cover by ETHAN VAN SCIVER
On sale APRIL 25 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US • RATED T
Jason Rusch rockets to Europe to thwart the next Rogue attack, only to find that other Firestorms have beaten him to it! Introducing the all-new Firehawk, France’s own atomic defender, and Hurricane, Great Britain’s officially sanctioned Nuclear Man! Meanwhile, out of the ashes of last issue’s shocking climax, Ronnie Raymond and the Russian Firestorm, Pozhar, begin a long, mutual descent toward the dark underbelly of the Firestorm Protocols. New cowriter Joe Harris (Ghost Projekt) continues this acclaimed series with superstar artist Ethan Van Sciver, who provides another stunning issue of full interior art!

Um... Firestorm, Inc.? Really, ONE Firestorm is bad enough, DC; settle down.

GREEN ARROW #8
Written by ANN NOCENTI
Art by HARVEY TOLIBAO
Cover by HOWARD PORTER
On sale APRIL 4 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US • RATED T
Part two of a three-part story introducing new creative team of Ann Nocenti and Harvey Tolibao!
Green Arrow faces off against the enraged father of three beautiful sisters, which might not seem so unusual for Ollie until you add in the part about being trapped in a frozen tundra with a horde of bloodthirsty, mutating animals. Things aren’t what they seem as Green Arrow must race to uncover the truth about this “family” before he becomes a monster snack – or a frozen corpse!

Ladies and gentlemen, Oliver Queen starring in... "The Hangover" III.

MISTER TERRIFIC #8
Written by ERIC WALLACE
Art by GIANLUCA GUGLIOTTA and WAYNE FAUCHER
Cover by J.G. JONES
On sale APRIL 11 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US • RATED T • FINAL ISSUE
Guest-starring The Blackhawks! It’s Mister Terrific vs. the technological monstrosity called Digitus – and to destroy his greatest foe yet, Michael may be forced to destroy Holt Industries! But as one enemy is defeated, another rises from a shocking source: the U.S. Government! Also, betrayal rocks Mister Terrific’s life when he discovers that his ex-girlfriend, the mysterious Karen Starr, may be more than she seems.

The Blackhawks? Mister Terrific? Karen Starr? The U.S. Government? Hey, it's Cancelled Comics Cavalcade!

DC UNIVERSE PRESENTS #8
Written by DAN DIDIO and JERRY ORDWAY
Art by JERRY ORDWAY
Cover by RYAN SOOK
On sale APRIL 18 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US • RATED T
As more and more of the Challengers of the Unknown are killed in action, the remaining few must press ahead on their quest! They have to uncover the secret behind the talismans they’ve been collecting before Ace and the spirits from the Well of Souls can finish the job that started with the plane crash!

"As more and more of the Challengers of the Unknown are killed in action"... now THAT is about the only Challengers comic I can imagine enjoying.

THE SAVAGE HAWKMAN #8
Written by TONY S. DANIEL and JAMES BONNY
Art and cover by PHILIP TAN
On sale APRIL 25 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US • RATED T
Hawkman has a violent encounter with a past adversary: the beautiful alien shapeshifter Askana, who once tried to kill him! But his time she needs his help, claiming that agents from her homeworld have tracked her to Earth to terminate her. How can Hawkman trust her – or help her?

Why do I get the feeling that Hawkman's past has a lot more going for it than his future?

DC's Second Wave

2012-01-12T11:20:00.002-05:00

So according to the today's news from DC Comics:

In May of 2012, DC Comics will release a “Second Wave” of titles as part of its historic DC COMICS-THE NEW 52 initiative. Six new, ongoing series will build on the shared universe and bold concepts introduced in September 2011 with the renumbering of DC Comics’ entire line of comic books.

Featuring a variety of different genres and storytelling sensibilities, the titles in the “Second Wave” will be helmed by some of the most legendary writers and artists in the comic book industry, and will also feature the first ongoing comic book series written by acclaimed novelist China Miéville.

“The excitement of the initial launch of DC COMICS-THE NEW 52 was in seeing the re-imagining of these classic characters and concepts,” said Bob Harras, DC Entertainment Editor-in-Chief. “The ‘Second Wave’ is all about world-building.”

DC COMICS-THE NEW 52 “Second Wave” includes:

BATMAN INCORPORATED – Writer: Grant Morrison. Artist: Chris Burnham. The acclaimed ongoing writer of ACTION COMICS, Grant Morrison, presents a fresh take on BATMAN INCORPORATED, in which the Batman brand is franchised globally in preparation for a major international threat.

EARTH 2 – Writer: James Robinson. Artist: Nicola Scott. The greatest heroes on a parallel Earth, the Justice Society combats threats that will set them on a collision course with other worlds.

WORLDS’ FINEST – Writer: Paul Levitz. Artists: George Perez and Kevin Maguire. Stranded on our world from a parallel reality, Huntress and Power Girl struggle to find their way back to Earth 2. Perez and Maguire will be the artists on alternating story arcs.

DIAL H – Writer: China Miéville. Artist: Mateus Santoluoco. The first ongoing series from acclaimed novelist China Miéville, this is a bold new take on a cult classic concept about the psychological effects on an everyman who accidentally gains powers to become a hero.

G.I. COMBAT – Writer: J.T. Krul. Artist: Ariel Olivetti. Featuring the return of a classic DC Comics series, THE WAR THAT TIME FORGOT, along with rotating back-up stories and creative teams – including THE UNKNOWN SOLDIER, with writers Justin Gray and Jimmy Palmiotti and artist Dan Panosian; and THE HAUNTED TANK, with writer John Arcudi and artist Scott Kolins.

THE RAVAGERS – Writer: Howard Mackie. Artist: Ian Churchill. Spinning off from TEEN TITANS and SUPERBOY, this series finds four superpowered teens on the run and fighting against the organization that wants to turn them into supervillains.

The six new series will replace BLACKHAWKS, HAWK AND DOVE, MEN OF WAR, MISTER TERRIFIC, O.M.A.C. and STATIC SHOCK, all of which will conclude with their eighth issues in April.

“Many of the characters from our canceled books will appear in DC COMICS-THE NEW 52 titles, and in some very surprising ways,” said Harras. “We’re developing stories that reach from cultures around the globe to parallel worlds. We’re just getting started.”

Setting the specifics of the changes aside for a moment, I am delighted that, simply put, DC had a PLAN. They didn't simply assume that all the books in the New 52 would do well enough to continue and had books ready to replace them with. Just as with its decision to revamp/reboot all its lines and to go same-day digital, DC is clearly doing more forward-thinking than they used to. I mean, maybe it's possible they are doing this on the fly, but I don't think so; it must take a while to scheme and staff new series, so I assume they must have had all these series saddled in the stable and ready to run. Good thinking, DC! Who said we learned nothing from the DC Implosion?

I haven't been reading BLACKHAWKS, HAWK AND DOVE, MEN OF WAR, MISTER TERRIFIC, O.M.A.C., or STATIC SHOCK, but apparently not many have been. I did give Mister Terrific and Static Shock a try, because I like those characters. But one of my New Year's resolutions was not to continue reading comics that aren't good just because I'm fond of the characters within them; and so, I dropped those titles pretty darned quickly.

It's sad; they are two characters who could definitely "rise up the ranks" (unlike, say, GEO-FORCE). Mister Terrific has a Golden Age legacy and a good modern background in the JSA titles; he's got interesting "powers" and, frankly, looks hot. Static Shock has youth appeal and is essentially the only "electricky" hero in the present-day DCU (at least, assuming that there is no Black Lightning in the new universe). I certainly find them more interesting than 'Cyborg', Marv Wolfman's unimaginative offspring, who's been elevated to take the Martian Manhunter's place as 'the founding member of the JLA whose publishing history doesn't merit his inclusion'.

The failure of their series is sad not only because I like them and because they are good characters with great potential, but because they were two of the pillars of DC's effort for greater ethnic diversity among its more visible heroes. Sure, the characters aren't going away, and may even be repurposed (I wouldn't be surprised to see Mister Terrific move to Earth-2 or Static join the Teen Titans); that's not the issue. But there's no question that, without titles of their own, they will be much less visible. I'd rather see them replace Batman and Guy Gardner in the Justice League International title.

O.M.A.C.? Well, it's crazy and that's not necessary bad; but it's Kirby-crazy, and that's never been a good fit with the DCU, in my opinion. So, OMAC, don't let the Boom Tube hit you on the way out.

As for HAWK AND DOVE, well, I'm not sure it's a concept that has ever worked all that well. They were meant to represent a cogent political and philosophical conflict during the era they were created. Attempts to re-cast them as agents of "chaos and order" or infuse a romantic conflict failed, and as plain old super-heroes, they just don't seem to cut it. Frankly, they seem as though they'd be more comfortable on some other Earth.

I crow on and on about 'liking war comics', but the reality is, I like the IDEA of war comics, I like the existence of war comics. That doesn't mean I gravitate toward reading them, and, in fact, I haven't been reading either Blackhawks or Men of War, so I'd be lying if I said I'd notice their absence. That said, I'm glad DC is following up with G.I.Combat. Sounds like it's going to be mostly "weird war" (which was always DC's strength in war comic), and that's what's most likely to get people like me to read it.

As for the Runaways-er, I mean 'the Ravagers'-- well, a spin-off of the current Teen Titans and Superboy inspires me little. I mean-- aren't you supposed to create spin-offs from things people LIKE....?

Batman Inc, well, that's in the big box o' Morrison, so there's no help for it. If it were going to be fun, using 'Batmen' in other countries to show cultural differences and to tell stories a bit more light-hearted -- or even just different -- than would work well in the current version of Gotham City, that would be great. But it's Morrison, so instead it will be cryptic, elliptic, and apocalyptic; for now, count me out.

Earth-2; now, there's the stuff. That's the other shoe we've all been waiting for. The revitalization of the JSA and their legacy characters was one of the great success stories of the previous age of comics. And now that the JSA no longer needs to fit in around the edges of the JLA, it can, and I'm guessing will, expand to become a JLU style organization for its Earth. I'm hoping it includes VIBE; I'm sure you are, too. That's the kind of wackiness Earth-2 will enable, much like a World's Finest starring Power Girl and Huntress, the 'breakout' characters from Earth-2 who suffered most from the effects of deracination when they became Earth-1-ified.

And speaking of wackiness: DIAL H. Really, it don't get no more wacky than that, and I am definitely on board for an issue or two just see how they play with the concept.

P.S. Read the Ray. I've been waiting years for a comic book about a permanently naked, hot Asian lifeguard and I don't want to see it cancelled. Besides: giant flying mutant jellyfish and the attack of "the Purple Rose of Cairo"? We need more of that sort of thing.

GIANT PENNY WEEK, epilog: The Batcave map!

2012-01-11T13:20:00.000-05:00

Our epilog to Giant Penny Week is a Heroclix map of the Giant Penny's home: THE BATCAVE!

Bruce's study has three points of access to the Batcave:

the service elevator behind one of the bookcases (which originated in the Silver Age);
the bat-poles (!!!) behind another bookcase (from the TV show, natch); and
the long winding stone staircase behind the grandfather clock (the usual means of descent during the Golden Age and early to mid Silver Age)

Rather than separate "rooms", the Batcave's areas are distinguished by levels (marked with numbers) as the cave floor terraces down to the waterline at Elevation 1. Batman's central 'work area' with the Batcomputer flows directly into the Batmobile's turntable area and the causeway out of the Batcave. Note the stone stairs go over the causeway and open up there to form a balcony looking out on the Batcave. As for how the Batplane gets out of the cave, um.... I dunno. A tunnel. Or a winch. Yes, it's usually a winch of some kind.

Most of the areas of the Batcave are pretty sparse, with just enough "stuff" to make each area unique. The exception, of course, is the hoarder's paradise, the "Hall of Trophies", home of the Giant Penny. I tried to use only trophies that I've seen appear there (or can reasonable infer). See if you can spot:

Diver Jones's tiger-headed diving suit
the giant eight ball (from a Two-Face story, as we've discussed)
Thomas Wayne's bat-man costume
a statute of the original Robin
a statute of Ace the Bat-hound
the Penguin's machine gun umbrella
the Joker-in-the-Box from "The 1,000 Secrets of the Batcave"
Mr Freeze's freeze-gun
The Red Hood's helmet and cape
the Tinytown house that saved Batman's life when he battled Dr. Doom, and the sarcophagus Doom died in
the harpoon cannon, giant die, and giant chess rook from that same story
trophies from the Killer Moth, Mad Hatter, and the Riddler.

Special thanks to Michael Bielaski for the robot dinosaur pic!

GIANT PENNY WEEK, #8: Haikuesday with the Giant Penny

2012-01-10T12:22:00.003-05:00

We have already noted two comic book haikus in the Giant Penny's original story, "The Penny Plunderers":

I call this one "Skinny's Epitaph":

Tough! But that's always
the risk a fellow takes when
he turns criminal.

I call this one "Joe's Two Cents" (a.k.a., "If Joe Coyne weren't a Sarcastic Wise-Ass, He'd be Alive and Batman & Robin would be Dead"):

So long! Here's two cents--

that's all your lives will be worth
in a little while.

But today we round out Giant Penny Week with ONE MORE. It's in Joe's famous meltdown scene, and I call it

NO GOOD AT ALL!

It's a pay phone ! I
need a single nickel to
be able to dial!

And that's the end of GIANT PENNY WEEK! Except for tomorrow's epilog, which is about the Giant Penny's home: the Batcave!

GIANT PENNY WEEK, #7: Adventures of the Giant Penny!

2012-01-09T14:08:00.011-05:00

As seen at "Comics Make No Sense", there's actual more than one giant penny rolling around Gotham:

"Gosh, Batman; the nobility of the almost-human giant penny!"

As pointed out yesterday, the Giant Penny weighs in the neighborhood of 49,000 pounds, which should mean that every one of the Penny Plunderers in this panel are DEAD (and that Batman is hella strong): And then there was the time that Bruce and Dick moved the 49,000 lb Giant Penny... BY HAND.

Gene Colan was a great guy; but getting the year on the Giant Penny wrong?
ONLY a Marvel person would make that mistake.

Speaking of the Marvel universe, apparently it's where the Giant Penny vacations:

The Giant Penny likes to lord it over pointless Kirbyesque whatnots: "So, what exactly are YOU supposed to be?"

Then (as previously covered the Comic Treadmill's exhaustive examination of ALL giant props) there was the time the Giant Penny decided to go bungee jumping from a helicopter.

Forty. Nine. THOUSAND. Pounds.

Or, one of my favorites: the time it finally had it out with the Robot Dinosaur.

"I'm the coolest trophy! Robots are cool; dinosaurs are cool; I am a ROBOT DINOSAUR."
"Yes, Rex, you've pointed that out before..."
"I'm also the largest trophy! And the most popular! Kids look at the Batcave and say, 'ooo, how cool it would be to have a Robot Dinosaur!' No kids says 'ooo, I want a Giant Penny!' "
"Rex, I'm warning you...."
"I bet they don't even know your NAME..."
"THAT DOES IT---!!!!!"

Little known fact: instead of "rock - paper -scissors" kids in the DCU play "Giant Penny - Joker Card - Robot Dinosaur".

GIANT PENNY WEEK, #6: Thoughts for Your Penny

2012-01-08T20:54:00.000-05:00

So, have you ever stopped to consider... how much the Giant Penny actually WEIGHS?

My estimate; oh, about .... 49,000 pounds.

Happy to show my work, by the way. The Giant Penny is depicted at various sizes, from between about 12 feet high (about twice as tall as Batman & Robin) or up to, oh, I'd say 16 feet high, tops.

Assuming the Penny is 12 feet high (that's usually how it's drawn) it would be about 9.6 inches thick (since it's proportionate with the dimensions of an actual penny, .75 inches in diameter by .05 inches thick).

Since the volume of a penny (even a giant one) would be (pi * radius * radius * height) that gives a volume of between 90 and 91 cubic feet. It's 90.7 if you assume it's a perfect cylinder; it's not, of course, since the heads and tails have raised and lowered areas to form the design. But it's close enough for comic books.

Assume the penny is made of the same stuff as a regular penny (which you KNOW it is, because Gotham City's Giant Props are NEVER just hollow mock-ups; they are always actual working giant versions of whatever they model).

Apparently, I'm not Joe Coyne's biggest fan after all.

In 1947 (that's the year on the Giant Penny, in case you never noticed, and the year the "Case of the Penny Plunderer" was published), pennies were about 95% copper (which weights 542 lbs per cubic foot) and 5% tin (which weights 456 lbs per cubic foot). So, since the Giant Penny is about 86.165 cubic feet of cooper plus about 9.535 cubic feet of tin...

the Giant Penny would weigh an estimated 48,769 lbs. A little less if they used zinc instead of tin.

Which makes some of things the Giant Penny does in tomorrow's post even MORE surprising...

GIANT PENNY WEEK, #5: Betrayed!

2012-01-07T13:58:00.007-05:00

So, after Batman & Robin escape Joe Coyne's deathtrap by making a battery out of two pennies in saltwater and tapping out an S.O.S. into the phone wires, they search the joint and find a clue to the Penny Plunderers next target: a yacht party that had rented some of Joe's arcade machines.

Batman flies after their escape boat with the Batplane, towing Robin along on water skis. Which makes perfect sense in a world where people make batteries out of pennies and salt water. In fact, I'm not sure why Batman didn't just putting giant pennies in the water and friggin' electrocute the Penny Plunderers. Must have seemed more fun for the artist to draw Robin landing on the gang's faces with his water skis. Besides, it would be impossible for a flying craft like the Batplane to hang something like a Giant Penny out the window. Or so you'd think; more on that later.

So, since it's pretty easy to escape a man in a plane and a boy on water skis once you're on land, the Penny Plunderers go to ground at the docks. UNTIL Joe has a bright idea, as bright as a copper penny:

"No, let's not try to escape Batman; let's try to capture him. Just like I did two pages ago, when I failed to kill him because I chose to set up a death trap rather than shooting him in the head. Why? Because I'm not just an obsessive gangster; because I'm a VILLAIN, goddammit, and I'm gonna act like one! Furthermore, just to show how unafraid of Batman I am, I'm going to use MYSELF as bait. Then I'm going to assume that you two losers, who just had the snot beat out of you by a teenager on water skis, are going to be able to "bottle Batman and Robin up" by, I don't know, sneaking up behind him or something, rather than just getting your asses kicked again by a boy in swimming trunks. And in the process I'm going to lock myself, unarmed, in a room I can't get out of, and call it 'trapping Batman & Robin'; I AM A GENIUS!!!!"

Joe E. Coyne: Genius At Work.

Oh, but the room in which Joe decides to seal himself lies deep with the Warehouse of Irony, for it (highly improbably) has a payphone in it. Which of course Joe can't use, because....

The irony of this is not lost on Joe.

Face-melting irony, in fact.

Although the irony not might be lost on Joe, Joe is certainly lost on the irony.

"Betrayed"? MMmm, no, I'd say it's more like you chose something worthless and nearly useless as your "crime symbol", Joe. Appropriately enough. But nothing is ever YOUR fault, is it, Joe?

In case you might have missed it, the caption box underlines the fact that the cause of Joe's death is COMIC BOOK IRONY.

PLEASE tell me this kid grows up to become The Penny Plunderer II.

And Joe Coyne goes to the electric chair, which I really really prefer to imagine being hooked up to two giant pennies immersed in salt water. Joe's story ends here; but the Giant Penny's story goes on!!

GIANT PENNY WEEK, #4: Death Trap!

2012-01-06T09:37:00.000-05:00

When last we left the Penny Plunderers, Joe Coyne had re-acquired one of his lost gang members, one who desperately hopes Joe doesn't realize that he ratted him out to Batman. But Joe does know. Penny for your thoughts, Joe!

Extra style points to Joe for taking the time and trouble to set up that damning fortune in the weight machine. Anyone can be evil; being a villain is about style, people!

I bet you probably don't find Joe Coyne very threatening. He has no superpowers or special weapons. He has no disturbing deformity or demented worldview. He's just a creative hood with an obsession for pennies and less fashion sense than Jimmy Olsen. But you know what? He's still a Golden Age villain:

Golden Age gangsters are happy to shoot you dead, in a darkly ironic way. We may laugh at Joe Coyne because he's no Lex Luthor or Joker, but he's a great example of the transition of villainy that occurs across the Golden Age and into the Silver Age.

Old school crime comics had a host of gangsters, who to us would seem mostly interchangeable. Usually they were not distinguished by their appearance or obsessions, but rather by their criminal rackets. They were The Guy Who Fixed Prizefights or The Guy Who Preyed on Trucking Companies; how exciting. But Batman changed all that.

As has been pointed out a zillion times, Batman was, in many ways, not particularly original. His various characteristics (detective, polymath, pugilist, acrobat, wealthy socialist, dark vigilante, etc.) had all been seen in other characters, even in combination. There were other heroes who could do all the things that Batman could do. The difference is that the focus shifted away from what Batman could do-- because, as we know, Batman can do anything you need him to--and toward the way Batman did things. Batman was about STYLE, and that was the key to his popularity.

That, and his bottomless well of human sympathy.

His slate of foes, over time, naturally evolved in that direction as well. The emphasis shifted from scheme to theme. This was very liberating for the writers; once they had villains who were intrinsically engaging due to the style, they could focus on coming up with interesting, even outlandish, schemes for them to perpetrate. The combination was much more potent than the the old "Manny the Mafioso" gangster stories, and, to this day, colorful villains tend to squeeze out other, more mundane criminal threats.

[Oh, and for That Guy who's about to object that Dick Tracy and his villains Did It First: EHHNNKH! Sorry, wrong answer. If you'll check the debut dates of Tracy's villains, you'll notice that prior to Batman's debut in 1939, Tracy's foes are mooks like "the Smuggler", "the Squealer", "the Tramp", "the Stabber", and "Larceny Lou". With the possible exception of "The Blank", it wasn't until the 1940s that Tracy villains really went wacky.]

That's Batman's "sympathetic face", by the way.

Any way, Joe's basic tale is a classic gangster story of kid who makes the wrong choices. But his perception of a theme to his failure, his obsession with turning this theme to his advantage, the predictably his mania creates and the fact that his mania proves his ironic undoing: these are style markings of the supervillains to come. As is his use of thematic weapons to capture Batman and Robin when they show up:

Really. Supervillain or not, you have to respect someone who can beat the crap out of Batman and Robin with nothing but some pennies. In just two panels.

Then, in another moment of budding supervillainy, Joe, having knocked out Batman & Robin with nothing but a bunch of pennies, cobbles together a death trap with ordinarily household items.

One of those pennies should actually be colored GREY not ORANGE. It'll be important in a minute. Oh, and note the spices.

Batman, not to be outdone, spanks MacGyver's mama by getting out of trap using the two cents that Joe couldn't stop himself from tossing them in order to be an ironic asshole, some blotting paper, and salt water. Really, this is either the most awesomely absurd or absurdly awesome death-trap escape from anything, ever (you choose):

Thank goodness they store their condiments with the unused arcade machines. And that everyone in comic books knows Morse Code!

I tried to come with some reason while Batman would do this rather than just, say, pick the lock on the door. Only possibility: this means of escape was the optimum intersection of "awesome" and "ironic".

GIANT PENNY WEEK, #3: Attack of the Giant Penny!

2012-01-05T10:00:00.002-05:00

When last we left "the Case of the Penny Plunderers", Joe Coyne had pretensions of remaking himself as a "villain" rather than a mere crook by hewing to a lunatic "crime symbol". Using the power of free association that allows them to divine the schemes of the madmen they fight, Batman and Robin have not only figured out, just by reading the paper, that there is a "Penny Plunderer", but they've divined his next target.

The One-Penny Black, by the way, is a real thing. Golden Age writers like Bill Finger used to hang out in illicit trivia dens in Chinatown, lying on divans, soaking in all sorts of bizarre useless data that they might later incorporate into some plot point. You kids, with your internet, you know nothing of sacrifice.

The first appearance of the Giant Penny. And the much less famous Giant Stamp Tongs.

Rather than alert the police (because, you know, where's the fun in that?), they just lurk around in the shadows, until Coyne and his gang show up, whereupon there's lot of Patented Punning & Punching. And Batman showboating by means of functional giant props.

Just once I'd like to see one of those props turn out to be paper mache, so I could see Batman go crashing through it to a faceplant on the hard, cold floor, while the photographers from Picture News go to town. But I'm sure that's against the Gotham City Civil Code on Giant Props.

But sometimes the gods punish hubris immediately and Batman pays for his showboating with...

a roll of pennies to the forehead.

Hm. What's the word I'm looking for? Oh, yes:

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Batman's humiliation is deliciously augmented by the fact that Robin--and a roomful of Gothamites--are watching as Batman gets pwned by a Grade Z hoodlum with some pennies and falls off a giant stamp to the hard, cold floor. Where's Vicki Vale when you need her?

Before there were blogs, there were the Gotham tabloids.

The bad guys do the logical thing, which in Gotham means "escape via the rooftops after climbing up the giant postage stamp and out the skylight." Because, you know, the rooftops are the perfect way to flee from Batman. But one of them doesn't make it, and Batman, tries desperately to salvage his self-image by intimidating a skinny gunsel. Boy, I sure hope a member of Coyne's gang isn't eavesdropping from the skylight and kidnaps the squealer....!

Uh-oh. This won't end well...

P.S. Oh, I almost forgot....!

This is what the Giant Penny does:

Small wonder that the Giant Penny is the standard by which all other Giant Props are measured. But what's it feel like to get hit by a Giant Penny? Well, we'll be discussing that later.

Batman actually uses the Giant Penny against Coyne's gang, NOT vice versa. Then it's not seen again until it shows up three years later in the original Hall of Trophies story ("The Thousand and One Trophies of Batman", Detective #158, Apr 1950).

How did Batman get his gloves on the Giant Penny? Most readers think grateful citizens just up and give Batman trophies after he saves their asses (or gets them publicity by getting pwned on the front page of Picture News). Or they think that Batman pockets trophies from crime scenes when the police aren't looking. But that's silly. Clearly, Alfred spends most of his day on Ebay on Bruce's behalf, buying up relevant giant props from previous cases. And thanks to the Gotham City Civil Code on Giant Props, the expense is actually tax-deductible.

GIANT PENNY WEEK, #2: Meet Joe Coyne!

2012-01-04T12:13:00.003-05:00

The Case of the Penny Plunderers begins with the origin of our antagonist, Joe Coyne.

"Penniless"? "Coyne"? "Business in pennies"? Hm; I think I'm sensing a theme here...

"A measly two cents? What can I buy with that?" In 1947? Probably a new suit. In fact, sell 2.75 more newspapers, Joe, and that'll be enough for you to buy an automatic washing machine, a year's supply of gasoline, carpeting for the living room, a vacuum instead of a plastic broom, not to mention a forty-inch television set.

Actually, according to the on-line inflation calculator, Joe cannot, in fact, buy much with 2 cents, since in 1947 it was only worth the equivalent of 19 cents currently. But Joe could still buy almost ten times as much we could, so no sympathy for him here; heck, we can't even buy a stamp for 19 cents.

Yes, Joe; other guys have 'big bills' and you have only pennies, as you stand there in the Gotham night under a streetlight. Of course, some other guys with big bills have to stand in the Gotham night under a streetlight and watch their parents lie there dead in pools of their own blood. Beware of envy, Joe. Well, perhaps, as you say, it will be different when you grow up.

Or maybe not. Writer Bill Finger, with astonishing efficiency, let's us know that Joe got his chance, and he blew it. It's not just that he got a good job and got fired. He wasted it on, well, penny-ante gambling. But the key is: Joe didn't stop when he got caught once. Because Joe is a weak fool.

See? I told you.

Joe is weak and turns to crime. And he's clearly a fool for not casing the joint better. Joe, you shoulda spent some of those pennies on some crime comics and you'd know that already. Oh, and speaking of weak fools... who's your tailor, Joe?

But the Gotham penitentiary has its usual salutatory effect and Joe sees the error of his ways.

Psych!

Stop whining, Joe; at least you got a nicer outfit out of the deal.

Um... Joe? Brooding's not healthy. You just said "I hate pennies", which is crazy talk, and you keep shouting "COPPERS!" and "PENNIES!", kind of like Mr Crocker from Fairly Odd Parents. Now you're just making irrational, baseless connections in a paranoid attempt to displace your own failures and follies onto some sort of external conspiracy. Kind of like Umberto Eco. And you're doing that thing with your hands that people do right before they become comic book villains. Turn back, it's not too late, Joe, it's not too late!

This really needs in some museum somewhere. Or in every museum, everywhere.

Uh-oh; it is too late. You're making absurdist vows, are talking about having a 'crime symbol', and have degenerated to the point where you can only portrayed by John Astin or Raul Julia. And since both of them are dead, that's ... a bad sign.

Yep, Joe's definitely turned what I call "the Mad Hatter's Corner", the point at which, after a series of questionable decisions of increasing dubious morality, a character gets that one final chance to suck it up and be a normal person but instead says, "What the heck, I'm a Gothamite, I'm just gonna choose to round that corner into Crazytown and set up shop there!" Vowing to avenge your parents' death by fighting crime doesn't seem quite so crazy when compared to vowing to base on your crimes on pennies.

So... Joe embarks on a life of crime based on... pennies. Which is sure to turn out so much better than his previous life of crime. You know... the one ruined by pennies.

Well... at least Joe's dressed for Crazytown.

Let's see: penny arcade machines (heck, ANY pinball machine), bank tellers with no plexiglass barriers, no coin counting machine. It's seeming less and less likely that Joe Coyne will be in the next Batman film trilogy.

But how many opportunities for penny-related crimes can there be? I mean, even in Gotham?

Guys, guys; use bubble wrap!!!

Piggy banks. Of course Gotham has a millionaire with a "priceless collection" of something bizarre that relates to the villain's 'crime symbol' that he's willing to ransom back for a fortune. Because that's the kind of place Gotham is. At least piggy banks are more likely than Estruscan snoods.

Well, Joe should be okay; it's extremely unlikely that he's going to draw Batman and Robin's attention with these kinds of low-rent, low-risk heists. Unless Bruce and Dick are bored (since they have nothing to do other than fight all the crime in an enormous city, maintain the Batcave, and do all their millionaire philanthropist stuff) and are just sitting around trolling the newspaper for weird crap they can stick their noses into.

Oh, dear. This won't end well...

GIANT PENNY WEEK, #1: Case of the Penny Plunderer!

2012-01-03T10:28:00.004-05:00

We are familiar with the Giant Penny because of its prominence in the Batcave. For many decades, the Giant Penny has been constantly visible in the main area of the Batcave as one of its essential pieces of recognizable decor (along with the Robot Dinosaur and the Giant Joker Card). Indeed, the Giant Penny and its buddies are the icons by which artists let us know that we are in the Batcave. Rather than, say, the JLA Secret Sanctuary or the *snort* "Arrowcave". One wonders what trophies might be used to easily distinguish the Arrrowcave; probably a giant wooden nickel. But that's a discussion for another time.

Nowadays, we wouldn't hardly know the Batcave without the Giant Penny. But originally, the Giant Penny (along with its fellow Batman trophies) was housed in a separate, locked vaulted area within the Batcave: the Hall of Trophies. The Hall of Trophies wasn't introduced until 1950...three years after the Giant Penny first reared its head (um, so to speak) in this story:

Remember you have Bill Finger to thank for the Giant Penny. Meanwhile, do not look closely at the questionable perspective that is causing the bullets to hit the giant penny instead of Batman and Robin. I blame the artist; some guy named "Bob", apparently.

But do spend time reading that lovely Preface Box. So philosophic, so loaded with .... thoughts. I really miss Preface Boxes; they used to set the tone, they let you settle in as reader to hear the tale. They were like a warm cup of cocoa as you sit down at the fire to hear someone tell a ghost story. Through the Golden, Silver, and Bronze Ages, Preface Boxes were to comic books what the Invocation of the Muses was to ancient epic poetry. Since we've lost them, comics have changed from being a slow descent in a hot tub to a sudden jump into a chilly stream; oh, sure, you warm up once you start swimming your way through it, but it's not the same experience at all.

In the gentleman days of yore, the Preface Box was a warm hug before a long conversation over a candlelit dinner. Nowadays, it's not uncommon to put the title and authorial credits for a comic book story at the END of it, which is the literary equivalent of tossing someone your name and number only after rockin' it in the back of his van in the discotheque parking lot.

And the "Penny Plunderer" Preface Box is lavish enough not only to set up the mystery of why someone would be daft enough to focus their criminal career on pennies (unlike normal people, who never think about pennies at all, let alone think about pennies while shooting at Batman) but to set up its bizarre antagonist with such poetic elan, in a haiku titled "We Handle Pennies All the Time and Never Give Them Another Thought":

But, it was not so
with Joe Coyne. He thought about
pennies all the time.

Wow; Joe Coyne, elegantly wrapped up in 17 syllable, much like... like a roll of pennies. Don't you wish your current comic book writers took that kind of interest in their craft? Before we delve into the story proper, what kind of haiku can you compose to honor antagonist Joe Coyne, writer Bill Finger, the Giant Penny, or the late lamented Preface Box?

GIANT PENNY WEEK, #0: Better than Sauerkraut!

2012-01-02T09:38:00.001-05:00

There's an old New Year's tradition where I'm from of putting a penny on every window sill on new year's day to earn fortune. Or keep the devil away. Or instead of sauerkraut. Something like that.

So I'm going to observe that tradition this year with YOU and the most famous penny of all: The Giant Penny in the Batcave!

As we have discussed before (in what is apparently a seminal article, since every time I do research on the Batcave, the internet keeps taking me back to it), the Giant Penny comes from a very obscure, early Batman & Robin story (World's Finest Comics #30, 1947; reprinted in the 100-page giant comic Batman #256, 1974; and again in the marvelous trade paperback anthology Secrets of the Batcave, 2007) with an old-school, one-shot foe: Joe Coyne, the Penny Plunderer.

We've admired Joe's inspiration and his poetic prowess, but we've never really read his story together and what better time than Giant Penny Week?

What do you think, Joe?

Um...Ooooo-kay, Joe. I'll take that as a "yes".

So get your vinegar, lemon juice, and a pinch of salt together, and get ready for ...

Giant Penny Week.

Enter at your peril!

The JLA Satellite Heroclix Map!

2011-12-26T05:51:00.009-05:00

Like all decent citizens of the DCU's future, I celebrate Klordny; to Freedom, Friendship, and Frunt!

The "JLA Fortnight" series, chronicling the JLA's transition out of the Silver Age and into the Bronze Age and particularly their move from the Secret Sanctuary to the Satellite, has all been a build up to my Klordny gift to your: a custom Heroclix map of the JLA Satellite.

In designing the map, I had to review the published diagrams of the Satellite, which are rather inconsistent, except that they are all, you know... round.

Here's an excellent description of the history of the Satellite I found on an apparently inactive JLA site:

The Justice League's second headquarters was fixed orbit satellite orbiting Earth at Roche's Limit, 22,300 miles from the surface, and was constructed by Hawkman Katar Hol, Superman, and Green Lantern Hal Jordan. Originally, the main entrance was a teleportation tube (utilizing a Thanagarian Relativity Beam) inferred to be atop the building that at the time published DC Comics in New York City. It was never stated why this location was chosen, or whether this was the only terminal in existence. The JLA is shown to have the capacity to "beam up" people and things that are not in the terminal, ala the Star Trek transporters (JLOA-118, -129). This modification would, of course, eliminate the need for terminal tubes anywhere on the surface, since the teleporter could lock onto the homing mechanism in each JLAer's signal device and beam them aboard. Evidently it was an improvement Hawkman brought back from Thanagar (JLOA-117).

Although initial diagrams of the satellite depict but one of the decks (JLOA-78, -95), the entire satellite complex was eventually revealed (JLOA-130). These diagrams depict the satellite as it was at the time of its original construction. The varied appearance of the meeting room facilities would indicate that the space station was modified from time to time to fit the JLA's changing needs and tastes. Noteworthy areas were the Souvenir Room, the gymnasium, the computer facilities, and the outer rim (JLOA-104). An alien called the Dharlu resided in suspended animation in the station's computer terminal (JLOA-130). A device to travel to parallel dimensions called the Transmatter Cube was also installed (JLA-107). Another contribution from Hawkman's homeworld was the Thanagarian "healing ray" in the JLA's sick bay (JLOA-118).

The satellite was ravaged in the wake of a Martian invasion of Earth (JLOA-228-230). It was also subject to subsequent destruction following the Great Crisis in which a transformed Red Tornado exploded within the satellite (JLOA-A3). The remainder of the once-great orbiting headquarters fell to the onslaught of a rampaging Despero.

Ordinarily, I'd just link to such a thing, but I'm afraid the link will go inactive if the site is closed.

Anyway, the first diagram of the Satellite is this one:

DCU architects must be union. "You want more detail? That'll cost you extra, mister!"

A little later it got filled in a bit.

By "individual offices" we mean "phone booths". Only Clark and Ray seemed okay with them.

Eventually, the JLA seems to realize that the Satellite had no doors or hallways, which is inconvenient when only one of your members can vibrate through walls. So a new diagram was introduced. But first, a brief digression into utter madness!

Not NOW, Jean! Later!

In JLA 130, for no reason at all, DC re-does the "Hey, we have a new HQ in space" scene, replacing Flash for Green Arrow, even down to using some of the same dialog (which sounds ridiculous coming out of Flash's mouth, rather than Green Arrow's).

"Yes, yes! I was there! So get to the point!" Actually, Barry... that is the point. You were there... repeatedly. Flash was in the Satellite when it was introduced, had been shown to be in it repeatedly over the intervening FIFTY issues since then, and, in fact, was JUST IN IT LAST ISSUE (Justice League of America v 1 #129). In short, this scene one of the most flagrant, nonsensical, egregious, and pointless violations of continuity of all time. Oh, and it's stupid and out of character. Nice lettering, though.

Okay, I'm being unfair; this is presented as an "Untold Tale", an obvious excuse to re-introduce the Satellite with a new map. Still, writer Marty Pasko blundered badly in using Flash instead of Green Arrow. But this, I suppose, is far down on the list of crimes of the man who created Kobra and Ookla the Mok.

And it did give us this, the first multilevel diagram of the Satellite:

Hm. Architects on strike again, I see.

The original plan is kept as the "B" Deck. The all-important Observation Deck (which is just about the only part of the Satellite we ever really see) becomes "A" Deck. "C" Deck is added to house some HQ basics with private quarters on "D" & "E" Decks.

Once the Satellite goes multi-level, all architectural heck breaks loose in this next diagram from later in the series:

Oh, look there's an Annie's Pretzels next to the Apple Store!

Very thorough! WILDLY out of scale perhaps, but thorough. Somebody seemed to realize that imposing square room designs on a round satellite didn't make a lot of sense, got out their Trivial Pursuit pucks and went to town on this one.

This was the diagram that I used as the model for my first attempt at a custom Heroclix map for the JLA Satellite, but I found it unworkable; the six decks couldn't be well enough represented on even an expanded 3'x3' map. I would be "accurate" but awkward and not fun.

So, rather than go "literal" with the map, I decide to compose it in such a way as to include the elements of the existing diagram, with some more realistic proportioning. I also took inspiration from the way the Satellite scenes are drawn, rather than just the diagrams. So much of the action takes place on the Observation Deck that had to be the key place on the map not just the top sliver.

Also, with changing times, certain rooms now make more sense than others (even in "the past", as it continues to roll up behind the moving comic book timeline). For example, a physical library seems amusingly quaint in a satellite and was omitted. Conversely, the idea of a 'virtual training room', seen on various media versions of the Satellite, seemed like a must. I also had to do some creative "explosion" of the sections of the Satellite: the four areas beneath the Observation Deck are 'exploded' out and placed in what would otherwise be empty space between the hub of the Satellite and the outer ring.

Note that they kept the table from the original headquarters. Because they would. Also note the color-coding of each member's private quarters and the connection between the amphibious quarters and the pool (because, stupid though that is, they would have it). And if you look really really closely at the Atom's quarters, you'll see that, sitting on a table, is a miniature version of the entire room, just so that he can relax there at his miniature size.

All in all, I'm happy with the result and hope those of you who've been eager to play a Heroclix game set on the JLA Satellite will enjoy it.

JLA FORTNIGHT: Dennygration

2011-12-25T11:02:00.001-05:00

So, as you've probably noticed, the architect of all this chaos for the JLA at the end of SilverAge was Denny O'Neil. DC's iconic characters definitely needed some sort of revitalization; the goofy antics of Generalissimo Demmy Gog (JLA #66) seemed horribly out of place in the tumultuous late 1960s. O'Neil did more than his part to shake up the Silver Age's goofy status quo. O'Neill:

made Batman's world a serious one again,
brought Wonder Woman away from her mythical fantastical connections and grounded her as a non-super woman on her own,
raised Green Arrow's consciousness,
tried to wake up Green Lantern from his brain-dead stupor,
shipped the toxically ludicrous Martian Manhunter off-planet,
gave Snapper Carr a very dishonorable discharge,
classed up the JLA by getting them out a cave in New England and giving them a high-tech palace in orbit.

O'Neil was, in short, the Geoff Johns of his day.

I haven't presented the whole process in a tidy order (hey, this ain't the Comic Treadmill!), so here's a recap:

JLA #66: Denny O'Neil comes on board. Writes the "General Demmy Gog" story, one of the worst JLA stories ever written. Really, one of the worst stories ever written period.

JLA #67: An all-reprint issue.

JLA #68: JLA fights another Giant Amorphous Godlike Space Entity/Simpleton (in this case, "Neverwas").

JLA #69: The revelation that Wonder Woman is now powerless; Diana Prince goes on "permanent leave".

JLA #70: Denny and DC try to foist the "Mind-Grabber Kid" on the readers. Crickets are heard.

JLA #71. The Martian Manhunter, who's actually been absent from the title since #61, finally makes it official and leaves Earth. Oh, and everything and almost everyone on Mars is destroyed. More crickets are heard.

JLA #72: Red Tornado arrives and becomes the guest who never leaves. The Atom seems to be the only one with the guts to talk about the problem out loud.

JLA #73-74: The Aquarius story, in which Larry Lance is squished flat by a giant lint ball and his widow, Black Canary takes two panels to abandon her entire life and moves to Earth-1.

JLA #75: The 'canary cry' is discovered and Black Canary joins the JLA. She is the first member never to have had her own book, making her the Patron Saint of every crappy also-ran ever to join the League (I'm looking at YOU, Ralph Dibny).

JLA #76: Another all-reprint issue.

JLA #77: Snapper Carr (who, like the Martian Manhunter, hasn't been seen in some time any way) betrays the Justice League to the Joker. Crickets clap loudly.

JLA #78: The Satellite is introduced. Remarkably casually, I might add.

In fact, the Satellite in introduced almost absurbdly casually, even for the breezy Silver Age. The JLA is needed, so Superman and Green Lantern pick up Green Arrow and his new ridiculous facial hair and take him to.... the rooftop of DC Comics. Oh, it's not mentioned by name, but it's "That publishing company that's always bugging us for stories."

Oh, I'm sure their just begging for stories about YOU, Ollie.

The folks at DC (in exchange for a few licensing rights, I'm sure) have allowed the JLA to install a teleporter on their rooftop. Because NO ONE will notice a teleporter on a rooftop. Fortunately, there's no flying machines in the DCU and no one other than the Justice Leagues can fly!

"Heh. You're a funny guy, Arrow. You do realize that if I were to, say, accidentally sneeze right now or have a hand spasm, I might easily crush your left shoulder into paste? Kind of hard to use a bow and arrow when you only have the use of one arm."

As to why it has to be in an incredibly insecure place like a rooftop in downtown Manhattan, well, I guess the signal from the teleporter needs to be unimpeded by a roof. Or a passing plane. Or a flock of a geese. Or the horizon, given the fact that the Satellite, being in geosynchronous orbit must be above the equator and the rooftop of DC Comics is WAY north of the Topic of Cancer, and... oh, never mind, I'm getting a headache.

"Heh, by Rao, you sure are 'comical', Arrow. Yes, the tube is small, but that would help contain the debris if were to, say, accidentally sneeze or have an eye spasm and nuke your insides with my super-vision till you explode in a bloody mess."

Anyway, the teleporter is handwaved as Thanagarian tech (presumably based on the Twin Dogs of Sebek, but that's another story), and the Satellite is explained as...

as...

Um. Well, it's just... there. Who built it and when? How was it paid for? Who chose the color scheme for the decor? And how (literally) on Earth do the governments of the world feel about a Satellite of godlike beings hanging over their heads?

"Surprise! It's actually not a teleporter, just a big Kryptonian crystal cannon that shoots you out to land as a green blotch somewhere on the lower east side of a very large city on the Eastern seaboard! See, Ollie, I can be comical, too!"

And (most amusingly), how did all this happen without Green Arrow knowing a single thing about it? That, I think, says everything you need to know about Green Arrow's place in the Justice League (as even written by Denny O'Neil, who loves him most).

You know damn well the Martian Manhunter would have known about the Satellite. In fact, since he's a crazy homeless person, he'd probably already be living in it and named it something weird, like "M'artha".

And so, with the introduction of the Satellite (Feb 1970, by the way), the Bronze Age begins for the Justice League of America.

Tomorrow: JLA Satellite.... THE MAP!

JLA FORTNIGHT: BETRAYAL!

2011-12-23T21:33:00.000-05:00

So, who was it who ended the might "Secret Sanctuary" Era, which gave us the Justice League at their most iconic, reintroduced the superhero community back into the DCU, and set the model for all subsequent versions of DC's team of top-tier heroes?

Why, it's obvious, really: it was their weakest link, Lucas "Snapper" Carr.

As mentioned, Snapper Carr was the hip teenaged mascot of the Silver Age Justice League. Gardner Fox's idea of putting DC's greatest superheroes into one team was genius; his idea of creating giving them a "typical teenager" mascot for the readers to identify with... was not genius.

Aaaand... that's Snapper riding a magic carpet with Merlin while singing the Air Force theme. Sigh.

Snapper's horrible, mangled faux-hepcat lingo was an assault to the senses, an icepick in the ear, the offspring of the English language being raped by a hundred maniacs. Poor DC; they were just trying to reach out to The Young People, but the writers--laughably unfamiliar with young culture through anything other than its dated, funhouse portrayals on television--were no more prepared to do so than your grandmother would be ready for her improv rap solo at karaoke night.

The pain of "Snapper-speak" aside, Carr's presence in the JLA was going to be a problem regardless. Snapper was put in the awkard position of either

(A) being a useless distraction for the JLA from actual crime-fighting
or
(B) of saving the day with some ridiculous "Wesley Crusher" moment.

In a series where you have DC's seven most powerful and popular superheroes--each of whom did (or could) fill one or more comics a month with their own exploits-- vying for panel-space, every second wasted on Snapper's birthday cake, Snapper's finals, Snapper's date at the funhouse, Snapper's flying jalopy, or Snapper's homework assignment was an eternity of wasted opportunity for the reader.

See? Crowded book.

Snapper was an attempt to connect the Silver Age Justice League with someone "ordinary". And that was what doomed them. In a story that was, per Denny O'Neil's usual style, an interesting underlying concept but terribly written, Snapper is seduced by a grassroots movement for 'normal' people, distressed at how extreme and super people like the JLAers were overshadowing the mass of regular people who don't just occasionally dabble in saving the world, but who keep its spinning every day with their efforts.

It's all about YOU, isn't it, Clark?

Snapper's seduction into this movement isn't well handled or made believable... but it is a great idea. In Marvel, citizens are often shown to fear and distrust many of their heroes. This is a harder sell in the DCU, where any superhero worth naming has his own hometown museum and is on the authorities' speed-dial. But the idea that regular people would simply resent superfolk and worry about becoming reliant on them is quite realistic. This was also underlying concept of the well-written LEGENDS crossover miniseries that launched the post-Crisis DCU and was the only time, in my opinion, that Darkseid has ever been used well, if you're interested.

So Snapper-- the "JLA mascot"--becomes a movement spokesperson against the JLA. It is a devasting PR coup for the Normal Movement, masterminded by "Joe Dough, the Most Average Man in America" (heavy-handed character name and sobriquet courtesy of Denny O'Neill, the Most Non-Subtle Writer in Comics). After "Dough" convinces Snapper to give him the location of the JLA's "Secret Sanctuary", he is revealed to be none other than... the Joker.

Ouch; that hurts. On the one hand, the Joker is a supremely odd choice for orchestrating the undoing of the Silver Age JLA. For one thing, the Joker, for all his popularity and cultural resonance, is not exactly a "take on the JLA single-handed" level of villain. Plus, his reveal at the end is a one-way panel throwaway twist at the end of the story. He didn't need to be the villain of the piece at all; it might as well have been some 'normal person' bent on overthrowing the JLA.

On the other hand, the Joker is a perfect choice. First, he's "powerless", and his triumph (he kicks the JLA's asses with some crap from the Trophy Room) is a victory of the non-superpowered over the godlike Leaguers. Second, although powerless, he is very very much NOT normal. At all. That the Joker, of all people, should pass himself off as the sympathetic spokesman and leader of 'the common man' is a horrifying deception. Third, the Joker's victory is ideological, ironic, and accomplished through superior psychological gamesmanship, all of which is very typical of the character. Fourth, after 15 years of fighting a host of new and entirely ad hoc universe-shaking adversaries, the JLA is taken out by a single villain from one of their member's Rogues Gallery-- in fact, the most familiar villain imaginable--is a cruel irony, indeed.

Perhaps it was a brilliant commentary by Denny O'Neill on the JLA's problem: they were too distantly focused on otherworldly issues (or Snapper's birthday) to focus on cleaning up their own backyards of the villains who preyed on the common folk. Or perhaps it was a lazy last minute twist. In either case, you do not mind-wipe the Joker, so the Secret Sanctuary's utility as a headquarters for the Justice League was over.

What's a supergroup to do...?

JLA FORTNIGHT: Race war to the stars!

2011-12-22T20:21:00.001-05:00

When we last left the JLA in the final throes of its "Secret Sanctuary" Era, the powerless Diana Prince and her blind guide, the absurdly named I Ching, were at a carnival.

"Being with you is pointless, Ching; you are so Asian-y inscrutable."

"Of course you don't understand, Diana; you're a moron. And probably wearing something that makes you look highly scrutable, I'll wager."

"What in Gaea's name can I learn from CARNIES?"

"I don't know, Diana. Perhaps how to dress...?"

It's good to see some things never change, like the deep mutual hatred between Diana and Ching.

As luck, and Denny O'Neil's plot contrivance, would have it, there's some kind of crazy homeless person going berserk at the carnival!

"What causes commotion, Ching? Well, usually it's some sort of threatening disruption of...oh, you meant, 'what is causing the commotion'!"

"Yes, wise-ass. So it's a "man"? I guess I'll probably have to explain what one of those is to you, won't I?"

"Postpone our rest? Oh, really, Ching? And I was just about to pull up a lawn chair to watch!"

A crazy homeless person who is ....beating the snot out of Diana and Ching.

Claude Raines 1, Emma Peale 0. And, YES, Diana, you did the judo move perfectly. You do everything perfectly, Princess. Yeesh.

"Ching, look out for--oh, wait, ha, ha! I forgot to warn him OUT LOUD. Pity. Still, he's getting the crap beat out of him. Why, it's like he can't even see the guy! Oh, wait... that's right...!"

As entertaining as it is to watch a violent homeless person bitch-slap Diana and Ching around, it's even more entertaining when you realize that that crazy, violent homeless person is, of course....
J'onn J'onnz, the Martian Manhunter

I think someone needs a cookie.

Yes! Godlike alien J'onn having a freakout and beating the tar out of a powerless dress shop owner and a tiny old blind guy. That's what comics are all about.

"This is it; I am never letting Ching pick out my outfit again!"
And, for the record, Diana; J'onn will NEVER regain his balance.

Oh, wait, there's only one more thing that will make this incident perfect:

Faceplanting Batman. "But... but I'm the goddaMMFFFPHHH!"

Eat sawdust, stupid Bronze Age Batman.

Wild man. Mad dog. J'onn J'onnz is insane, people.

Oh, but don't believe me; believe HIM.

That wasn't "something in your mind", JJ; it was your mind. How snapped is JJ? Let's just say that if his daughter is running for Homecoming Queen, pull your daughter out of the contest immediately.

So someone gives JJ a cookie to calm him down, and, while Diana and Ching are having their bones reset, he calmly reveals that, "oh by the way, I've been lying to you about my backstory since I was introduced 15 years ago. I am essentially an escaped war criminal, and the Martian equivalent of Robert E. Lee."

That retcon is breezier than J'onn's Martian-breath. Still, the JLA is long since accustomed to rolling with whatever ridiculousness JJ spouts, since he's:

(A) powerful enough to kick any of their asses and
(B) crazy as a loon.

Therefore they do not say, "What do you mean there's a planet-threatening war going on on Mars the entire time we've been working with you, during which we've jaunted off to about 30 different alien worlds and could have stopped off on Mars to lend a hand at any point, particularly since that war might threaten Earth? And why did you just beat the crap out of an old blind guy at a carnival? ARE YOU INSANE?" Because they already know the answer to that question.

So instead they say, "Um, okay, J'onn sure. That sounds great; nice to know. Need a lift somewhere? Or will you just be wishing yourself into the cornfield now?"

There's never really any explanation why he's at the carnival, or dressed like the Invisible Man (particularly since he's a shapeshifter who can turn invisible), or freaks out violently just because there's a fire-eater there (dude; just walk away and get an ice cream cone, or better yet, just create one with your mind). But it's the Martian Manhunter, after all; if you are looking for sensible or even comprehensible explanations of his behavior then you've missed the point of the character.

Shhhhhuuuure, J'onn, whatever you say. Heh heh, yep, water is sure great.

Turns out that one of J'onn's previously unmentioned godlike powers is the ability to violate the Fourth Wall with his mind and telepathically influence comic book writers and editors, because they obligingly backed up J'onn's crazy story by retconning all of Mars to fit his babblings.

Suddenly there were two 'races" on Mars, the white and green, who'd been engaging in a long race war and J'onn had been exiled to the Martian desert wastelands by his enemy, Commander Blanx, for 13 years.

In a hilarious send-up of The Lorax, Blanx basically sells off Mars to be strip-mined. In essence, Mars is the West Virginia of the solar system.

Denny O'Neil was fond of writing stories that contained veiled social commentary. If by 'veiled' one means "festooned in neon tubing, sparklers, and 'THIS IS OUR MESSAGE, STUPID!' arrows". This is one of the more subtle ones.

So JJ and the Leaguers go clobber B'illy Blanx's little mob of white Martians, but don't manage to stop him before he burns off everything on Mars including the atmosphere. A few Martians escape in a starship for parts unknown while J'onn, the perennially calm stable center of the JLA, beats Blanx to death with a Mars globe.
Yes, really.

Oh, and somewhere during all that, Hal falls asleep.

Yeah, well, staying up till 5AM with three Pan-Am girls will do that to you, Hal.

Unfortunately, Superman catches Hal right before he lands, or I'd be sharing with you a picture of Hal getting hit in the head WITH MARS. Which would be impressive, even for Hal, particularly if, unlike Blanx, he survived getting hit in the head with Mars. Oh, how many licks does it take to get to the center of Hal Jordan's noggin? The world may never know.

The upshot of all of this is J'onn leaves Earth to search the stars for the S.S. Martian Minnow and the JLA lets him because he's

(A) powerful enough to kick any of their asses and
(B) crazy as a loon.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out, er, I mean, "godspeed!"

So, the Manhunter is put on a bus and Earth-2 rejects Red Tornado and Black Canary are sniffing around the campfire, begging for scraps of readership. What other disaster could befall the Silver Age Justice League?

I'll give you a hint: what is the sound of one hand snapping...?

JLA FORTNIGHT: Black (Canary) Widow

2011-12-21T19:43:00.000-05:00

Meanwhile, at "the beginning of the end" for the Secret Sanctuary Era of the Justice League of America...

As mentioned in our last post, after Red Tornado's disastrous arrival, Black Canary arrives to Earth-1. Like all Golden Age Heroes worth their salt (and associated with the Justice Society), when the Silver Age arrived Black Canary was determined to live on the parallel world of Earth-2. UNTIL...

a disastrous team-up between the JLA and JSA, where her husband got killed. For no particular reason (although I will blame Red Tornado), the JLA and JSA join forces to fight the usual Ersatzian Threat. You know, some cosmicky extra-dimensional, one-shot villain, with vague motivations. This time, apparently, the moon was in the seventh house, because they fought Aquarius, the Living Tiki Mug.

He really needs to be wearing a paper umbrella behind his ear.

The JSA Snowglobe is still the most popular purchase at the Earth-2 Gift Shop.

Aquarius (again, for no real reason) kills Black Canary's husband Larry with a giant lint ball.

"HA! Foolish human! You've fallen into my lint trap!"

Actually, Larry voluntarily jumped in front of the giant lint ball to save Black Canary's life. The lint ball was about to crush HER instead, because she was stuck to the ground in front of it. And just why was Black Canary stuck to the ground in front of it....?

Green Arrow's stickum-shaft, that's why.

C'mon; you didn't really think I'd posted that just for fun, did you...?

Oh, and, to be honest with you; that's NOT a ball of lint. It's a ball of cosmic power from Starman's rod. Yes, let's repeat that. Black Canary's husband was crushed to death by a ball of power from the cosmic rod of her ex-lover because she was glued to the ground with her legs open by the stickum-shaft of her future lover, Green Arrow. Top that, Scott Lobdell.

This is kind of ironic, since Larry was always a classless jerk, a shiftless freedloader and skeevy gumshoe who was a millstone around Canary's neck.

What a charmer. No wonder Green Arrow looked good to her.

Of course, what happens afterwards is even more ironic: she takes up almost immediately with another classless jerk, the self-righteous blowhard and skeevy crimefighter who's the reason her husband is dead.

"We're both crippled, Green Arrow; you by your ridiculous facial hair...me by my 20 lb. Tammy Wynette wig."

You see, once Larry is dead, Black Canary does what any grieving widow would do...

LEAVES HER UNIVERSE ENTIRELY.

Panel 1: "This entire universe reminds me too much of my husband."
Panel 2: A panel that reads very, very badly out of context.

In the process of migrating to Earth-1, Black Canary--somehow--acquires a superpower: -superscreaming.

Actually, if you pay attention to the story, you notice that Black Canary's power is NOT generated by her voice. It's psionic; the 'canary cry' is something that she generates with her mind, not her voice. It's more sensible, I think, and something I'd like to see reasserted when she is reintroduced as part of the Earth-2 JSA in the New 52.

Black Canary gains superpowers right after Wonder Woman loses hers. This is perfect timing, because now she can join the JLA to take the place of Wonder Woman, who having lost her powers, quits the group, and takes up a new hobby:

hating I Ching.

"What in Hades did you drag me to a carnival for, old fool? Can't you see I'm not dressed for it? Oh, that's right; you can't."

"To teach you the simple childlike delight of laughter, you brain-dead cow. Now LAUGH, wench, LAUGH."

Coincidentally, this blissful little scene of Wonder Woman and I Ching snipping at each other is the beginning of another nail in the coffin of the Secret Sanctuary era, which I like to call...

"RACE WAR TO THE STARS!" So, stay tuned.

JLA HQ FORTNIGHT: A Tornado is a disaster, by the way

2011-12-16T06:58:00.000-05:00

So, it’s the Silver Age, and the Justice League of America has a sweet “modernistically outfitted” cavern headquarters, a host of one-shot, ugly, and incompetent foes, and a sidekick so moronic that even Green Lantern and Green Arrow look smart standing beside him. Their stories make absolutely zero sense; in fact, some of them are not merely nonsensical but actively anti-sensical, like a collaboration between Grant Morrison and Willy Wonka, as produced by the Brothers Krofft. But it doesn’t matter because they are the Justice League of America, and if they shat delicious Fruit Pies, readers would eat them up.

I think it's the antennae that really make this panel.

Nothing could possibly touch them….

UNTIL…!

Many are the world’s natural disasters; fire, flood, pestilence, famine, earthquake, Jean Loring, hurricanes, and slowly advancing glaciation. And the JLA was equal to them all. So it took an un-natural disaster to begin their eventual doom. I speak, of course, of…

THE RED TORNADO.

Kill it, Barry; kill it NOW, while you can.

The well-schooled among you will already know that the original, Golden Age Red Tornado was a comedy character. Burly grocery owner Abigail “Ma” Hunkel was inspired by her children’s love of Green Lantern comics to cobble together an impromptu costume and clean up her neighborhood as the gender-blurred crimefighter, the Red Tornado. Originally a throwaway concept, the Red Tornado, as one of the earlier superhero parodies, gained immediate popularity and wound up engulfing her home strip/book “Scribbly the Boy Cartoonist”.

In the Golden Age this is what we meant by being a pot-head.

As part of the bizarre meta-miscegenation of publishers in the Golden Age, the Red Tornado migrated from American Publishing to DC Comics just long enough to pop her (potted) head in at the first meeting of the Justice Society of America. It’s odd. Somewhat less odd when you remember that Sheldon Mayer created both the Red Tornado and the JSA. But it’s still odd.

The Red Tornado: A Legacy of Dignity

Oh, but the Red Tornado’s revenge for not being invited to join the JSA would come later. Some 25 years later, the Silver Age decided to do with the Red Tornado what it did best: out-weird the Golden Age.

The Red Tornado was re-imagined as an android weapon designed by T.O. Morrow to kill the Justice Society and the Justice League. Which he did.

Don’t cry, kids; they died, but got better later.

See, Barry? You NEVER listen to me.

Essentially, the Silver Age Red Tornado was designed to f*** things up. He was, as his name implied, a walking disaster. He was a fumbling Frankenstein monster who ruined everything he touched. Don’t believe me? Fine; then believe the JLA members themselves:

Okay, we all know Superman's a dick, but when Wonder Woman tells you you're an incompetent boob, you better believe her. Because Wonder Woman knows boobs.

Anyone wanna guess how this turns out...?

Well, not a walking disaster, exactly; more of a twirling one, really. Speaking of twirling disasters, with the arrival of Red Tornado, the twirl-tastic Mars-halationing Martian Manhunter became even more redundant in the JLA .

I mean, nobody else could do that like J’onn. Except Superman. And the Flash. And Red Tornado. Or Wonder Woman twirling her lasso really fast. Or Green Lantern with a fan-construct. Or Batman using a Bat-bee-fan from his utility belt.

Plus, the devastating Tornado cleared a path for another ex-pat Earth-Two-er, Black Canary, to join the JLA and soften it up with all her tears.

Blah blah tragedy blah blah blah Black Canary blah blah suffering

But Martian Manhunter and Black Canary are the stars of the next two segments of the Demise of the Silver Age Justice League of America, part of what drives them off the Earth into the Bronze Age and the satellite 22,300 miles away. Stay tuned!

JLA HQ: GA + BC = S-S!

2011-12-15T06:26:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow we'll look at the arrival of that clanking catastrophe, Red Tornado, and his fellow Earth-2 reject, the weeping widow, Black Canary. For now, enjoy this teaser: the first time Green Arrow meets Black Canary.

He shoots her with.... his stickum-shaft.

Um... no, Ollie; no, it's not.

Somehow I can't help but think there's some sort of subtle symbolism going on here, but I can't quite put my finger on it....

JLA HQ: The Origin of Happy Harbor

2011-12-13T12:55:00.001-05:00

So when the Justice League of America originally formed, narrative efficiency demanded that they have a common place where they could meet together, in private: a Justice League of America headquarters.

The solution was, of course, a cave. Why? Because this is not Marvel, people. DC heroes do not hang out like commoners in shiny, public (and highly ostentatious) skyscrapers. Dignity forbids. Therefore, like decent people, the Justice League naturally hung out together in a large cavern (like the Batcave, the Fortress of Solitude, the *snicker* Arrowcave, the Aquacave, the Martian Manhunter's mountain getaway, or Barry Allen's absurdly large laboratory in his Central City apartment).

Their "Secret Sanctuary" is presented in their first story (Brave & the Bold #28, where they fight Starro, 'natch) as a fait accompli, no backstory provided. This is the Silver Age, people; information is dispensed to the readers on a need-to-know basis. It was simply a "modernistically outfitted cavern" (circa 1960, that is) that was... somewhere.

So, who do you think got stuck with cutting that chartreuse carpet so it fit flush with the jagged wall of rock on the left? I'm thinking Barry.

You are objecting right now: "But, the Secret Sanctuary was in Happy Harbor, Rhode Island." Well, read the original story more carefully; at no point does it state that the Secret Sanctuary is in Happy Harbor. Starro (or his surrogates--don't ask) attack in three different locations: in the air near an unspecific mountain range, at "Science City", and in Happy Harbor (where that ridiculous dork, Snapper Carr, lives).

In fact, in their second story, where they combat the inept Xotar the Weapons Master, it is specifically stated that the closest town is.... Middledale. We know only that Middledale is somewhere on the East Coast and has mountains nearby (one of which houses the Secret Sanctuary).

Yes, Snapper Carr is seen in the cavern... but after being brought there by Justice Leaguers. Which almost implies that he's NOT nearby. It isn't until the JLA's sixth story ("The Slave Ship of Space!", Justice League of America #3, 1961) that it's shown that Snapper lives close enough to drive to the Sanctuary. Again, another narrative convenience. I contend that the Secret Sanctuary was not originally supposed to be thought of as being in Happy Harbor; you weren't supposed to think of it as being anywhere in particular at all (other than, you know, a cave in a mountain, which is where decent people meet). DC comics are famous for this kind of geographic vagueness; if you want to see an A1 sissy fight, just walk into a roomful of comic book geeks and innocently ask, "So, where in the U.S is Metropolis, any how?"

But the ugly "necessity" of having that babbling moron, Snapper Carr, in nearly every story increasingly pinned the Secret Sanctuary to his hometown of Happy Harbor, which is of course a ludicrous place for it to be. For one thing: it's in Rhode Island, which is pretty much a ludicrous place for anything to be, let alone the headquarters of the most famous superheroes in the DCU. Second, Rhode Island isn't exactly centrally located for either the U.S., hotspots of supervillainous trouble, or the heroes themselves (all of whose cities lie, to some degree, south or west of Rhode Island). Plus, Rhode Island's not easy to get to (unless, like Snapper, you already live there) and its main plus in that respect is that, being on the sea, Aquaman can get there without bumming a ride from Green Lantern or Wonder Woman.

In fact, Happy Harbor is so ludicrously unlikely a spot for the JLA's HQ that almost the only reason to put it there is because...

it's ludicrously unlikely.

Think: if you were a supervillain, would it ever occur to you in a million years that the JLA would hole up in ... a small town in Rhode Island? I mean, unless you noticed they seemed to have a hep-talking adolescent mascot who lives there? And that's really not a criticism of the concept of the Secret Sanctuary being in Happy Harbor, but rather of the concept of Snapper Carr himself. One of many.

Kill it, Barry. Kill it NOW, while you still can.

So in a sense Happy Harbor is the perfect place to put the JLA's Secret Sanctuary, precisely because it's such an unlikely spot for it. As opposed to, say (just off the top of my head)... making Washington DC an even BIGGER terrorist target by putting a "Hall of Justice" on the National Mall, where Batman would have to gas a horde of protestors every time he wanted to land the Batplane. Not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you.

One of the early riddles of the Secret Sanctuary is how the members get in and out without being seen. Sure, most of the members have powers that allow them to arrive fairly stealthily. It ain't called the Invisible Plane for nothing, and, by comic book convention, one can always assume that, given sufficient time to prepare, Batman can do anything, no matter how unlikely, including arrive in the Batplane unnoticed. But the whole theory is spoiled by the same thing that spoils most things in the JLA:

Green Arrow.

Kill it, Barry. Kill it NOW, while you still can.

Green Arrow, with his idiotic Arrowplane.

blah blah failure blah blah blah Green Arrow blah blah turmoil

There is no friggin' way you can arrive unnoticed in a bright yellow jet fighter... unless you are in the boonies, in a small town whose view of the misty bay over which you approach is obscured by a big mountain. Just like Happy Harbor.

Oh and for those of you still fretting over why GREEN Arrow has a YELLOW plane: stop being stupid, the reasons are obvious.

One: it has to be yellow, otherwise it wouldn't match the Arrowcar.

Be really glad you didn't grow up in Star City.

Two: if you had a sweet jet fighter and wanted to make sure that certified moron and 'test-pilot-whose-job-it-is-to-crash-planes' Hal Jordan kept his stinking green mitts off the darned thing, what color would YOU paint it?

"No MAN can. But Jean is another story entirely."

2011-12-12T08:22:00.001-05:00

As mention in our last post, next up at the Absorbascon is a celebration of the formation of the--

Oh, sorry about that. Ahem. A celebration of the formation of the Justice League in the DC's "New 52", in which we'll--

Okay, Jean Loring; I hear you! And I realize that I would ignore the demands of the DCU's craziest denizen at my peril. So, we will in fact be giving attention to some of your further adventures, as part of our forthcoming series:

JLA HQ Fortnight!

Because it takes more than a week, you know. Stay tuned.

JLA HQ: Split-leveling the scene!

2011-12-09T05:44:00.005-05:00

In the coming weeks, to celebrate the (re-)formation of the JLA in the New 52, we're going to be taking a look at how the JLA made the shift from the Secret Sanctuary to the Satellite, how that marked the end of the Silver Age, making fun of easy targets Green Arrow, Red Tornado, Martian Manhunter, and Denny O'Neil.

We'll kick this celebration off with a new JLA HQ Heroclix map (below) and culminate it with something many people have been asking for... my map of the JLA Satellite; don't miss it!

In a recent post, I shared a custom Heroclix map of the JLA's original HQ, "the Secret Sanctuary".

But now I have already designed another version of the Secret Sanctuary that would more accurately portray the claustrophobic feel of its original depictions. It will be based on the black and white cutaway diagram that was DC's first attempt to show the layout of the JLA HQ, which can be seen here at the DC Database.

There are several challenges in this attempt at a "claustrophic" version of the Secret Sanctuary. Like most of the famous "DC headquarters cutaways", the diagram has levels stacked on top of one another, something which doesn't convey easily to Heroclix maps. Plus, there are a few matters of scale that are, to be kind, wildly off-base. For example, while it is easy to believe that the JLA would have meetings in an area no bigger than a split-level suburban home, it is NOT easy to believe that they can park the Invisible Plane, the Arrowplane, and the Batplane in hanger exactly that same size. And that's to say nothing of squeezing a pool, a gym, a lab, and a trophy room into the basement.

But I found a way to get it in all on one map, believe it or not. So, while my other version of the Secret Sanctuary is like playing in a football stadium, the second version is more like trying to storm a castle.

Starting areas for heroes and villains are marked in slightly different colors. Villain teams have two starting areas: the entrance cave and hangar (they've managed to break in somehow). The heroes are caught unawares; they are spread out at various locations in the Sanctuary; note that no two of their starting squares are adjacent!

Some special types of "territory" are included, out of necessity, including ELEVATOR squares and the INVISIBLE PLANE squares (it's explained on the map). The white "walls" denote areas' being on different levels, so those cannot be "broken through".

I went for total authenticity here, which is why the meeting room and balcony are such god-awful colors: I actually color-sampled the original comic panels of those locations to make sure the colors were (hideous but) authentic. There are no bedrooms (they didn't seem to have private quarters in the Sanctuary); but I did add bathrooms, just for realism's sake.

Authenticity is also responsible for the somewhat goofy looking scanners in the entryway and the very odd service elevator to the generator room. Weird, perhaps, but it was there in the original diagram so I wanted to maneuver it in.

Special touches include Aquaman's water passage from the swimming pool to the water outside (which is de rigeur to be authentic!) and a hologram in the cave disguising the entry tunnel.

I'm happy to send the JPG file to anyone who'd be interested in printing it.

Grim and Forbidding Haiku

2011-12-06T16:10:00.001-05:00

It's Haikuesday at the Absorbascon, and this week, with only a little bit of careful listening, our haiku came to us readily from the evil lips of Sirena, Empress of the Planetoid Sargasso.

This poem is called...

"NO MATTER!"

He can go nowhere.

Now Green Lantern will surely

come for these earthmen.

So nihilistic. So fatalistic. So hopeless! Some Blue Lantern needs to kick her butt. Not that they do that, of course. Perhaps they could just inspire the crap out of her; it would serve her right.

What haiku can you compose about Sirena or how here attempt to conquer by capturing Green Lantern was foiled by Kairo the Venusian Helper and Beefy the Space-Owl?

Green Lantern Filmation: Sirena's Final Hissy

2011-12-05T18:05:00.000-05:00

Meanwhile, on the grim and forbidding Planetoid Sargasso...

Sirena, the Empress of Evil (tm), has launched her fleet against the decrepit Oans, who prepare to watch the own destruction from the comfort of their own comfty chairs, up from which, like good retirees, they would never pick their asses.

"Despite our infinite wisdom, we have deceived by the nurses, Ollie Ollie Oxenfru! For surely this spectacle is not Mattlock!" "Silence, Jolly Jowly Jerry-Tol, or our pudding rations will be threatened!"

Meanwhile, Kairo, Hal Jordan's Venusian Helper, manages to convince the kamikaze space-owl (whom he is now calling "Beepy" --or maybe "Beaky"-- instead of "Beefy") to fly into the Rapunzel-tower where Green Lantern is being held just out of arms reach of his power ring, and do its thing.

Which it does.

Here's the windup...

and the pitch...

and... STRIKE OUT!

Finally, someone dumber than Hal Jordan. At least when Hal got hit in the head with a space-owl he wasn't STARING RIGHT AT IT.

Hal, as predicted makes a dive for his ring.

Actually, it's more a dainty 'pluck'.

And shoves it onto his middle finger, which is not where one usually wears rings.

Why does Hal wear his power ring on his middle finger?

Because "FUCK YOU!", that's why.

The Eyes of Hal Jordan will still stare you death, power ring or no.

But Hal doesn't follow rules, buddy; he breaks them. Or, perhaps, is simply blithely unaware of them, along with space-owls, highway signs, buttresses, the Twelve Steps and any other thing that might get in his way.

"Guh*hick*reat jzhob, Beasty!", Hal congratulates the kamkazi-bird that just an hour ago attacked him and let him get captured in the first place. To be fair, Hal may not even know that, since he didn't even SEE the owl hit him ...

Which looks like this, in case you've forgotten

...and therefore just assumes that this is some new pet of Kairo's. Named "Beasty". I kind of give up at this point, because the only thing stupider than Hal recognizing the space-owl and treating it as if it were Kairo's familiar pet and calling it by a name he can't possibly have ever heard is ... his doing all that AND GETTING THE BIRD'S NAME WRONG. Ironically, it's the only single word in the entire cartoon that Hal doesn't slur over. Even when doing the impossible, Hal not only does it incorrectly, but painstakingly incorrectly.

Hal rings his way out of prison, Kairo, with his pretty pretty eyelashes, mounts Hal...

Hey, I don't write 'em. I just call 'em as I see 'em.

and, because there is so little time left in the cartoon, Green Lantern does exactly what he should have done in the beginning: he boxing-gloves the entire Freakish Alien Horde into unconsciousness.

Hey! Hal can multi-task!

Wow; just like the "Before" and "After" photos at my 28th birthday party.
Except these guys are still wearing their unitards.

Green Lantern sends Kairo and Beastly (the owl's name changes every time it's said, by now) back to earth in the experimental space-plane with the other prisoners, while he goes off to kick Sirena's fleet's ass.

Literally.

Note that the ships are yellow. Just like the Freakish Alien Minions. None of which bothers Hal's ring at all. Because while kamikaze space-owl cannons are not too stupid for Filmation, apparently the power ring's traditional weakness to yellow is too stupid. Oh, and the "Chekov's gun" in the opening scene, where Hal didn't take the time to charge his power ring? Nope, that gun never gets fired, and Hal's ring doesn't come even close to running out of power. Why? Because Filmation doesn't follow rules, buddy, they break them.

In last, desperate attempt to save her plan, Sirena orders her armada to "fire their destructo-bombs" (as opposed, one supposes, to their constructo-bombs) at Green Lantern,

which he just sproings right back at them.

I'll say this for Hal: he's a FUN drunk.
Unlike Sinestro (mean drunk), John (sleepy drunk), Guy (lecherous drunk), or Kyle (sloppy drunk).

Her armada defeated, Sirena is sentenced to "a long-term of galactic confinement." Perhaps I'm just misunderstanding the term, but "galactic confinement" doesn't seem particularly onerous. "You may not leave the galaxy!" isn't much of a punishment, even for someone with a fleet of spaceships.

Back on earth, Hal and Kairo have a happy fade-out with Hal telling Kairo he can keep his space-owl pet, "Beastly", which is what they are calling it in the final scene.

You know, the longer you look at that, the creepier it gets.

If you don't believe any of this, watch the cartoon and tell me I'm lying. Meanwhile, Guardians bless writer George Kashdan ...

George. BEFORE martinis.

...for taking the ten minutes it took him to dash this episode on the back of a gin-ringed cocktail napkin before getting up from the breakfast table one morning, probably the same day as he wrote this incomparable classic.

Green Lantern Filmation: The Guardians Order Take-Out!

2011-11-25T12:56:00.017-05:00

Meanwhile, on the Planetoid Sargasso….!

Equatorial rings are SO 1990s.

Which is "grim and forbidding". Because authoritarian announcer Ted Knight said so. Which is pretty much the final word on any factual matter.

Hal Jordan, having been hit in the head with a radar-guided space-owl, is dragged off

Which looks like this, in case you've forgotten.

by the Freakish Bat-Creature Minions of Sirena, Empress of Evil™, who is now free to initiate her attack on Oa.

The Sargassonian Fleet. Or four hotdog carts in Dubai. Hard to tell.

So, what’s the motivation to attack Oa, anyway? Perhaps we’ll find out soon. Meanwhile, the Freakish Alien Bat-Creatures do the logical thing: lock Green Lantern up in a windowless cell deep with the bowels of the earth behind many secure doors and seal his power ring in a steel box and bury it miles and miles away.

BWaahaahaha! Just kidding! This is Filmation, folks, so they do no such thing. They dump Hal like a rag doll on the floor of a Rapunzel-tower in their Magic Kingdom Castle, plop his ring on a wooden table right in front of him, and sit down to glare at him menacingly over that table with their improbably red eyes. Well, not sit, really, because there are no chairs. For that matter, I’m not sure the Freakish Alien Bat-Creatures can sit; another triumph of martini-guzzling Cartoon Evolution. Anyway, the whole set up is nearly foolproof and nothing could possibly go wrong, unless, I dunno, Hal gets the chance to grab his ring or something.

In fact, being a clever and resourceful superhero, I’m betting Green Lantern concocts some clever subterfuge to distract the Freakish Alien Bat-Creatures. Like suddenly shouting, “HEY, FREAKS! WHERE ARE YOUR FRICKIN’ HANDS, HUH?” Then, while they stare stupefied at the mysteriously empty points on the end of their wings and try to remember who dressed them in these blue unitards (I’m guessing Sirena, which would have been a sight; “No, you fools! First you must step INTO the leg holes, and then wriggle your left wing through the---arrgh! Very well, I’ll do it MYSELF!”), Hal knocks over the table so that the ring falls his way, while he does a Kirk-roll, slips it on his finger and then melts the whole shoddy castle in "a bath of green heat", while announcing every action out loud to no one, in as clear a voice as his TBI-addled brain can muster.

Bwaahahahaha! Just kidding! This is Hal Jordan, folks, so he does no such thing. He lies there in a heap, until Mr Schienman, er, I mean, one of the Guardians of the Universe sends a glowing ghost-o-gram to Hal’s Venusian helper, Kairo...

And on the way back, bring me a blintz. Wait—what’s that, Murray? Okay! Alright, make that two blintzes.

...telling him to stop arguing with the space-owl that hit GL in the head and go save Hal, because Hal’s his ride home.

And, oh, what a ride he is.

In other words, “Get off your ass and back on to Hal’s”. What the Guardian actually says, by the way, is "Green Lantern and his ring are in the topmost chamber of the castle; go; help him!" To which any normal person would reply, "Um, if Green Lantern and his ring are in the same place, why the heck does he need help from Eddie Munster in a jumpsuit?" But Kairo is not a normal person, he's a Venusian helper with a space-owl.

A space-owl?! Yes , in the time that it took the All-Male Horde of Freakish Alien Bat-Creature to haul Hal’s ride-able butt off to the Rapunzel tower, Kairo has inexplicably befriended Sirena’s space-owl and is treating it like it’s been his dog for the last five years: “Cut it out! I don’t have time to play with you now, Beefy! Green Lantern’s in trouble!”

Duck, Kairo, DUCK!

To which my official reaction would have to be: WTF?! This thing is the crazed predator that willingly flew head-first into the back of Hal Jordan’s skull

Which looks like this in case you’ve forgotten.

When and how did it become Kairo’s pal? When did it get a name? Did Kairo name it, and why? 'Cuz I'm having a hard time imagining that Sirena, Empress of Evil (tm), would name her killer space-owl "Beefy".

Kairo, why would you name the alien creature that just knocked out your friend? And name it "Beefy"? It's like watching a thug clobber your friend with blackjack, and then hanging out with him; "Hey, you're kind of cute; I'll call you Beefy."

Why the hell would you call a space-owl “Beefy” rather than “Raptor Redfeather”? And just what kinds of drugs did Filmation employees use, anyway? Really, this makes about as much sense as cutting back from a scene where the Joker and Harley Quin capture Batman to discover that, during the commercials, Robin became Harley’s boyfriend and started calling her “Betty”. “Cut it out! I don’t have time to play with you now, Betty! Batman’s in trouble!”

Anyway, logic be damned, Kairo and Beefy -- or Beepy (really, it’s hard to tell what Kairo is calling him, so thick is his Venusian accent, and it never sounds the same twice)-- climb the Rapunzel tower to rescue stupid, stupid Hal...

"I may be stupid... but I'm really, really good-looking."

...and, in the process, make evident exactly why Sirena is so motivated to conquer Oa.

Oa is a pretty shiny planet that would make a fabulous earring, the kind one might wear to a Klordny party at Legion Headquarters.

Sargasso, on other hand, is a crappy planetoid that looks like it was made out of mashed potatoes, sorghum, and food coloring.

But with a lovely view of the river, according to the real estate ad.

Oa has pretty shiny architecture that looks like something little Helen Frankenthaler would have made in crafts class at Color Field Elementary out of cellophane, frosting, and jimmies.

Or like C’thulu’s really pretty sister. The one who used to pick on him all the time.

Sargasso has a warped and bent castle that looks like somebody dropped Victor Von Doom’s birthday cake.

“I will have my revenge on gravity for this outrage! Curse you, RICHARDS!!!!!”

Geez, no wonder Sirena spent all her resources building a fleet of ships with which to conquer Oa. Rather than, say, creating a nice low-profiled neo-urbanist community for her and her All-Male Horde of Freakish Alien Bat-Creatures. Why build when you can “borrow”? Plus Oa already comes with its own All-Male Horde of Identical Alien Creatures: The Guardians.

Looks like somebody should have taken their Metamucil, like the nurse told them to.

And the only thing that could possibly stop her invasion is a precariously perched Venusian helper, a fickle space-owl, and a semi-conscious Hal Jordan.

Guess who wins?

NEXT UP: Sirena’s Final Hissy-Fit!

Green Lantern Filmation 3: Angry Birds!

2011-11-23T09:58:00.001-05:00

When we last left Green Lantern, he’d fallen for the bait set by Sirena, Evil Empress ™, who’d kidnapped some pilot and Hal Jordan’s “Venusian helper”, Kairo, as part of plot to neutralize GL so she can invade Oa.

"Um... you do realize you have no hands, right?"

"Okay. Forget I said anything."

Sirena sends her All-Male Horde of Identical Freakish Yellow Bat-Creatures to attack GL. Meanwhile, Hal and Kairo prepare for battle by girding their loins…

with each other.

Whoa. Um… can I get a “Venusian helper”, please?

You know, this seems vaguely familiar; where have I seen this scene before?

Oh, yes; now, I remember:

Yes, thanks to me (and my good pal and faithful reader, Noah Van Google), you now know that the Ambiguously Gay Duo’s characteristic “flight pattern” is taken from Hal and Kairo fighting the Bat-Creatures of Planetoid Sargasso. You’re welcome. And when that wins you a Trivial Pursuit game, I expect you to thank me publicly.

But it’s okay. I mean, it’s not as if Hal could use his power ring to whip up any number of contraptions that he and Kairo could travel in, or as if he could just, you know, leave Kairo where he was. He has absolutely no choice but to have Kairo snugly ride his butt like that. I guess Sally’s right; GL butts are something special, after all.

Anyway, it turns out that the Identical Freakish Yellow Bat-Creatures can shoot frickin’ zappy beams from their horns; yikes! Score another one for Cartoon Evolution and its proclivity to generate unlikely beings after spending the afternoon at the airfield bar with Hal Jordan. PLUS, the dang things are YELLOW, meaning Hal’s power ring is powerless to affect them. Right?

WRONG! Because this is Filmation, baby; welcome to Earth-F.

Hal decides to show off for the Venusian helper riding his butt (because drunk people love being clever and because Kairo has long beautiful eyelashes), slurring “Wash me t*turn thayruh own beams againsht ‘um!”, and simply bends the freakish bat-creature’s horns back at them.

You just know that young Hal used grab Jim Jordan’s arm and make him punch himself in the face, repeating, “Why do you keep hitting yourself? Why do you keep hitting yourself?” Jerk.

Her freakish horde stymied, Sirena decides to deal with Green Lantern herself, shouting imperiously, “I’ll deal with Green Lantern myself!”. So she activates a miniature magnowave that tunes in on Hal’s brainwaves.

Honestly, that’s impressive enough; just being able to build a device that can detect Hal Jordan’s brainwaves should get her a Nobel Prize, 'cuz that's harder than finding FTL neutrinos.

But then, it gets even better. While Hal stands around smugly preening for his Venusian helper...

“Didja see how I handled those Freakish Bat-Creature? Pretty cool, huh?”

...she takes an outré tack by launching an Angry Bird ™ at him.

...and...

"Stop that pigeon, NOW!"

Thud.

Make sure you watch the actual video; the sound effect alone is worth it. You need to know what the sound of a space owl hitting Hal Jordan in the head is.

You know, all of the millions of times Hal’s been hit in the head? This is pretty much at the top of that list. It doesn’t get better than watching Hal Jordan get hit in the head by an Angry Bird ™. In fact, I’d love to have that little sequence as a GIF that I could use in my sidebar, or in my online forum signatures, or as an image on my digital flicker ring. It would soothe my soul in times of crisis.

Also, props to Sirena for having the presence of mind to develop a radar-guided space-owl cannon for just such an occasion. Ordinarily, I’m a foe of surrealism in superhero media, but nothing provides the element of surprise like a radar-guided space-owl cannon. This is the kind of stuff Grant Morrison has been doing drugs for decades trying to write; back in the day, thin-tied Manhattanites like George Kashdan used to bang this stuff out every day before noon, before they'd even had their fourth martini of the day. Score at halftime: George Kashdan 8, Grant Morrison 0.

With Hal characteristically unconscious…

Dude! I was so wasted last night. I don’t remember a thing we did…!

Sirena’s Freakish Yellow Bat-Minions swoop in and remove his ring.

Without hands.

Somehow.

“With his ring, he’s powerless!” Sirena exults.

Oh, silly Sirena! Sure, he’s superpowerless…

EXCEPT FROM THE WAIST DOWN.

Never forget that.

NEXT UP: Kairo and the Angry Bird ™ versus Sargassonian architecture!

Green Lantern Filmation 2: SIRENA!

2011-11-20T19:28:00.011-05:00

When last we left Green Lantern, he was in a Filmation cartoon, in which a young space pilot and Hal Jordan's "Venusian helper", Kairo, have been sucked down to the Planetoid Sargasso by a bacon-flavored tractor beam.

Hal states (out loud, to no one) that he hasn't got time to charge his power ring. Then, naturally, he goes right outside and changes to Green Lantern in broad daylight at his workplace. Because, as mentioned last time, Hal's an idiot.

"No t*time to re-sharge my-ee bower rig; godda ged t'them FASHT!"

Stupid, stupid, Hal.

Hal's in a big rush so he immediately flies off to save them....
LATER THAT NIGHT.

Obviously Hal decided to spend a couple hours at the airfield bar, fortifying his willpower, while he waited to leave Earth under cover of darkness. That explains why, as mentioned last time, Green Lantern sounds hilariously drunk every time he speaks.

Hal lands on Sargasso where he immediately runs into Kairo. It's a small planetoid.

The best way to keep from injuring yourself before strenuous heroics is thorough stretching.

"What th'--? I though' I wash head'd t' Orion? What the hell'r' you doin here, Kh*kairo? Where rrr the guhreen aylee-en babes? My head hurtsh..."

Only $39.99, Hal is composed of a realistic-feeling silicone compound
for your deep and lasting enjoyment.

Kairo explains to GL that the bacon-flavor tractor beam is being generated by a giant electromagnetic sombrero....

Yeah, it kinda hurts my head, too, Kairo.

which GL melts with "a bath in green heat". When you drink enough, you to start to talk like that all the time.

For fun, print this pic out on a box-framed canvas and give it to a relative for Christmas. Make sure you have your camera ready when they open it.

This now badly damaged sombrero is in fact "an electronomagnawave apparatus" owned by the ruler of Planetoid Sargasso, who is...

Society can never repay the debt it owes George Kashdan.

SIRENA EMPRESS OF EVIL!

Only $39.99, Sirena is composed of a realistic-feeling silicone compound
for your deep and lasting enjoyment.

Here seen giving the captured space pilot his annual review, Sirena, like most Filmation villians, has a large all-male posse of identical freakish minions with no possible genetic connection to her or anything else that Evolution could devise, even if Evolution spent the entire afternoon with Hal Jordan at the airfield bar.

They. Have. No. Hands.
How did they put on those cobalt unis with matching legwarmers?
And a cinch belt, no less?

We discover that luring Green Lantern to Planetoid Sargasso is not a problem for Sirena; in fact, it's what she's been trying to do. Because once she's captured Hal Jordan, the Guardians will be helpless without his protection and she will be able to attack Oa and have all its sweet avant-garde architecture for herself. Yep; the Guardians would be totally helpless without good ole' Hal Jordan to protect them.

Anyway, when her electronomagnawave apparatus is destroyed, she knows that she has succeeded because "only Green Lantern could destroy my electronomagnawave apparatus". Yep, only Green Lantern with his power ring could do that. Or any one of over a hundred space-capable superheroes, including Ultraa, Beppo the Supermonkey, or Space Cabbie.

Overwhelmed by happiness at the idea that Hal Jordan, rather than Space Cabbie, has come to kick her ass, she breaks out into a celebratory vogue:

Well! I know what I'm wearing next Halloween!
Just have to find yellow bat-creature costumes in Chris and Josh's size.

NEXT UP: Sirena attacks Hal; three guesses who wins.

Green Lantern Filmation!

2011-11-16T14:56:00.001-05:00

Before there was Young Justice, and Batman: Brave and the Bold, and Teen Titans, Batman and Superman the Animated Series, and The Batman, and Justice League (limited and unlimited)—even before the frickin’ SuperFriends—there was… Filmation.

Which doesn’t get enough love, in my estimation. When Filmation got the gig to make cartoons (that’s what people used to call “animated series”) of Batman, Superman, and Aquaman, Filmation was four years old, had about 12 bucks per episode to work with, didn’t hire warehouses of artists in some foreign company working for pennies, had a mannequin for a receptionist, and used about five voice actors, including Master of a Thousand Shrieking Alien Despot Voices, Ted Knight.

In fact, they had to bluff Elliot S! Maggin with some shenanigans to get the job. Of course, "bluffing Elliot S! Maggin" is pretty much in the same box as surprising your infant by magically 'reappearing' when you play peekaboo. They probably just told him that villainous cats banished by Krypto into the Phantom Zone were whispering story ideas into their ears at night and he was sold.

What they lacked in ability and resources, they made up for with ingenuity (like making up the story about the Phantom Zone cats). For example, Filmation’s animation was certainly not sophisticated, but (as previously mentioned), they understood how to make Aquaman cool. Heck, they never let Aqualad leave his side, and even Mr Bean looks cool in comparison when standing with Aqualad.

But in addition to their work on Batman, Superman, and Aquaman, they did a smaller number of “Side B” cartoons of other DC heroes, including the Teen Titans, the Atom, Hawkman, the Flash, the Justice League, and one of the Absorbascon’s favorite whipping boys, Green Lantern (Hal Jordan).

Let’s watch one of the GL Filmation cartoons together, shall we? You can currently watch the whole thing here, but I’m going to use screen caps below anyway.

“BY THE POWER OF THE MYSTIC GUARDIANS OF THE UNIVERSE….”

Filmation often had little oopsies in their coloring department for a few frames, but this next frame isn’t one of them. For some reason, they decided not to make the Guardians blue. It kind of robs them of their Alien Dignity. When not colored blue, the Guardians just look like some old guy who gives the counterman at the corner deli a hard time.

“You call this fresh?”

The visuals may not be helping the Guardians’ credibility, but the audio does; nobody but nobody in animation could generate awesome majesty and sincerity with his voice alone than Ted Knight (whom most remember only as “Ted Baxter”, the pompous and moronic newscaster on the Mary Tyler Moore Show). Ted Knight was an orator; he didn’t just say his lines, he practically SANG them. If Ted Knight says Mr Scheinmann up there is one of the “Miss Tick GAHHR dee ahns uvthuh YOO nee verse”, then you will damn well believe it and bow down accordingly.

Why, the voice of Ted Knight even makes you take Hal Jordan seriously.

Stupid, stupid Hal Jordan.

At least, until Hal starts talking. More on that later.

Smug, smirking Hal Jordan. Lap it up, ladies and Geoff Johns.

So the Mystic Guardians of the Universe live on...

...a giant glowball. Jeez, Jor-El would have a conniption.

Actually, they live on Oa, with its awesome but impractical architecture.

Little known fact: on February 4, 1989, the day after all the Filmation animators were fired by L’Oreal, they were all hired by an architecture firm in Dubai.

The story starts with Hal Jordan sitting on his phat ass at home, long-distance coaching some sucker who’s taking some experimental flight into space, sidekicked for no apparent reason by “Kairo”, Green Lantern’s Venusian Man Friday.

"Hey, Kairo; let's see what's on the Bacon Channel. Mmmmm...bacon."

I’ve never heard an explanation why Filmation decided to recast/replace Tom “Pie-Face” Kalmaku, Hal’s Eskimo mechanic, with some blue kid from Venus named after an Egyptian cafe. Probably because Green Lantern needed a “space-oriented” sidekick and an Aleutian simply wasn’t exotic enough. Or perhaps it’s the Conservation of Blue theory; if the Guardians weren’t going to blue, somebody in the cast had to be.

"Hear me, MetroCity! You WILL bow down to Megamind!!!"

Regardless, the use of Kairo accomplished one important thing: it let Ted Knight use a Venusian accent, which … well, you’ll just have to hear it for yourself. It’s kind of what you’d get if Squiggy from Laverne & Shirley had a son with Pebbles Flintstone and raised him in the Philippines.

This is also the point where Hal Jordan starts talking, losing all the credibility that announcer Ted “Voice of Awesome” Knight had build up for him. Hal sounds exactly like the drunk at the bar in every other episode of Bewitched. “I wan’ choo to shteer offfff, Thom, yer too closhe t’ the Shargasho pl*hic*planneetoid.”

Guardians bless brilliant B-movie actor Gerald Mohr, the "King of Cool", for his work as the voice of Green Lantern. Hal Jordan’s voice falls about halfway between Dean Martin and Foster Brooks, and it is priceless. Once you hearit, suddenly the whole “Hal gets arrested for DWI” thing falls into place for you. All the while you thought Hal was just an idiot. Now you know better; he’s a drunken idiot. No wonder he’s benched at home driving flight simulators while somebody goes out to drive the spacecraft.

Naturally, coached by Hal, they shteer—sorry—steer the spacecraft right toward the evil and odiferous Sargasso Planetoid, whose stinkyon emanations overwhelm them.

"Can't resist... smell of... bacon!"

So Hal Jordan does what any sensible, subtle hero would do: steps outside in the middle of the airfield where he works and changes into Green Lantern in public.

Stupid, stupid Hal.

NEXT UP: We meet our villain!

The Secret Sanctuary

2011-11-14T20:10:00.008-05:00

In the Silver Age, when the Justice League was created, creators and artists were not focused on extraneous details. If it wasn't necessary to the plot, it didn't get in (and that included characterization).

In its first stories, the Justice League simply... existed. There was no long, drawn out story of Who It Was and How It Came To Be. Later, someone threw together a typically wacky tale of how the League was informed, involving the absurd Ersatzians, er, I mean Appellaxians and their attempt to take over Earth as a side-effect of their electoral process.

So, too, the JLA's HQ was introduced without ceremony or elaboration. They had a "secret sanctuary". It was deep within a hollowed out mountain.

Later on we learned that the Secret Sanctuary was, for no fathomable reason at all, in Rhode Island, by the ocean. Are there mountains sitting by the sea in Rhode Island? I don't think so. That's probably why the writers picked Rhode Island; chances are, most of their reader had never been there and hadn't the slightest idea what it was like.

The JLA holed up in the Secret Sanctuary for the entire Silver Age. Their tenure there--and indeed the Silver Age itself--came to an end when Snapper Carr betrayed the Justice League to the Joker, and the JLA modern to a very non-secret sanctuary "in geosynchronous orbit 22,300 miles above the earth" (as we were reminded in every story).

In later years, the Sanctuary would be used by Justice League successors, like the Detroit League, Young Justice and (briefly) the Justice Society. Those stays gave us several artistic interpretations of the Sanctuary, made possible by the fact that, as originally presented the Sanctuary was a tiny and unprepossessing place.

See those two empty chairs? Batman and Superman's.
They seldom hung out with the JLA during the Silver Age.
Too busy walking their dogs in capes, I suppose.

That was it. An open-face garage for Diana's plane, a meeting table in a cramped lounge, and some funky stairs up to a library and communication center. That was it; the HQ for the world's most astonishing and powerful superteam was little more than a carriage house.

Even later, when it started to be implied that the Sanctuary might be larger, we had no idea what that meant. For the longest time, so much of whatever non-action scenes the plot required in JLA stories took place while they all sat around that damned table trying to figure out what the heck Snapper was saying, so there were few visual clues as to anything else in the Sanctuary.

Eventually, various inconsistent cutaway plans were drafted (see link above). But I only used what I saw in the stories themselves when I made...

The Secret Sanctuary Map!

A custom Heroclix map of the Justice League of America's original headquarters!

I started with a few ideas. "The Conference Table" had to be in the middle of a big, cavernous space. Each of the original Leaguers should have their own quarters in the Sanctuary (even though they were never seen in the stories, it simply made sense as a practical matter), plus a guest room. There had to be a "library level". There had to be a waterway to Aquaman's room, and there had to be exits to the hangar and to the harbor.

I threw in some trophies as hindering terrain (since in JLA: Year One, the League was shown to keep trophies in their main hall rather than in a separate Trophy Room). I added a Teleportation Pad, since that figures so prominently in the Young Justice cartoon, and few suitable items of ostentation like the world rug and the "justice for all" inscription.

The map is fairly straightforward with the exception of Aquaman's uniquely amphibian living quarters, whose "dry room" has a hatch that leads to a pipeway that connects Arthur's bedroom directly with the underground stream that leads to the harbor.

If you print this map (PosterBrain will do a fine job for you; tell Poppy that Scipio sent you!), have fun by having each of the Leaguers start in their own bedroom and the attackers come in from the harbor and teleportation pad. Battle will probably take place in the main hall, with some maneuvering on the library level and the balcony of the quarters level. Let Aquaman take full advantage of the underground stream to sneak up behind his foes. If you field Batman make sure he hugs the walls where the trophies are, otherwise he'll be a sitting duck.

Some day I may try to compose a map that hews much more closely to the original, smaller design of the Secret Sanctuary, rather than being inspired by elements added later. But for now, enjoy this map and the individual touches that each hero brought to his or her living quarters.

Veteran's Day

2011-11-10T10:18:00.001-05:00

Today is the Marine Corps Birthday (for those who don’t know) and tomorrow is Veterans’ Day, which is why tonight you’ll probably be able to find me face down on the floor at the NoVa Irish Brogue and tomorrow at an elementary school lecturing children about the importance of supporting our troops. Wait, change that: face UP. I learned my lesson last year.

Given the prevalence of the military in society, it’s interesting how few DC comic heroes have any military background. Captain Atom is Air Force, of course, but other than that it’s slim pickings. Remember, this whole “Hal Jordan was in the Air Force” thing is a retcon (by Mark Waid, I think, in JLA: Year One); before that, Hal was “just” a commercial test pilot (and one who almost never flew a plane, I might add). So, too, the “John Stewart was in the Marines” thing (an invention of the Justice League animated series). Before her reboot after Crisis, in fact, the only big DC hero with any military background was Wonder Wonder. She was a Lieutenant (and eventually rose to Major). And then, as I recall, she did what a lot of former Army Majors do: became a UN attache and opened a mod dress shop. Diana’s a hard woman to understand.

DC used to have lots of war comics, and I’m glad to see them attempting to revive the tradition in the New 52 with Men of War. While they are at, I would like to see them bring back (in some form), one of favorites here at the Absorbascon: Capt. Storm.

Now, I’ve had a lot of fun at Capt. Storm’s expense, but conceptually he’s one of DC’s greatest heroes: a military man, injured in battle, who struggles to return to fighting strength so he can continue to defend his country. Plus, there’s the whole “hot Hawaiian nurse” thing. I think it’s great that Sgt. Rock/Easy Company’s legacy continue, but, given how many Wounded Warriors the US has as a result of years of conflict in the middle east, we need a “wounded warrior hero” more than ever. And I’m not talking about “I lost my hand, but now I have one made out of energy/water/indestructible alien metal that can turn into a machine gun”. I’m talking about, “my artificial leg is not as good as my real one but I’m going to overcome that”.

Because that’s a type of heroism I think comics could use a little more of.

Cool and Unusual

2011-11-07T11:22:00.006-05:00

Riddle me this, dear readers! What is harder to become the harder you try to become it?

Answer: Cool.

“Cool” as a label is fairly new when compared to more venerable terms of praise like “nice”, “excellent”, or “great”. “Cool” as a slang for “fashionable”, “in style”, or “exemplary in its good qualities” began in about 1933, in large part due to its usage by jazz saxophonist Lester Young.

Lester Young would have sweated "cool", if he ever sweated.

But the term found broader exposure in the beatnik culture of the 1950s and the term really came into its own, I’d say, by about 1953 when the term “uncool” became common. Nothing so firmly cements a concept that being able to label all things either “X” or “un-X”.

A beatnik One who was so cool, he was also smokin' hot. Woof.

A comparative newcomer in the world of Webster, perhaps, among “slang” words no term has had great longevity than “cool”. Most of its contemporary fellows from the 1930s have aged and withered. Seldom do you hear current teenager describe an option as “jake”, condemn someone as a “whanger”, or dismiss the unlikely as “bushwa”. Yet “cool” remains.

Perhaps it is because the concept it represents is so useful. Even-temperedness, unconscious superiority, effortlessness, indifference to the judgments of others—all the things that teenagers in particular long for so earnestly and (generally) find so difficult to attain are what defines “cool”.

The adolescent within us is always concerned with what is “cool”. As adults we may label it slightly differently (“This character has a richness, charm, and depth that both instantly engages the reader and enables the writer to convey subtle but cogent satire” is really just critic-speak for “I like this character; he’s cool.”), but we are still often concerned with what is cool.

For example…. the essential conflict between Batman fans and Superman fans? It’s not “human” versus “superhuman”. It’s about coolness; Batman is “cool”; Superman is not “cool” (as some people define it).

Batman inspires fear and awe.

As does Superman... in his own way.

At least, that’s the traditional view of the characters. If you consider them as people, however, it’s easy to make the opposite case. Batman is less cool than Superman, as a person, because Batman strives to impress others and Superman does not. Such is the quixotic difficulty of pinning down what is “cool”.

But, as in the riddle above, one thing that is generally agreed upon is that “being cool” can never be the result of a conscious effort to “be cool”. The same can be said of any “cool” substitute, such as “edgy”,“bizarre”, or “outre”. We all know people who try to be “cool” and therefore are not. So, too, there are those striving desperately to be unique, or eccentric. The person striving to be “cool” is seeking admiration or popularity among his peers; the person striving to be “unusual” is seeking individuation from his peers. But the idea is the same.

Which leads me to my real point: Why So Many Modern Villains Suck. They suck because the writers are striving too hard to make them cool or unusual. They don’t happen to be eccentric, which lends them interest; their purpose is to be eccentric, which is not really interesting at all.

Take yer classic villains from Batman’s rogues gallery (or even Flash’s or Superman’s). Are they bizarre and eccentric? Of course. But that’s HOW they do things, now WHAT they do. WHAT they do is being professional criminals: in short, they steal things and kill people as part of the process. They are trying to be successful criminals, they aren’t trying to be bizarre; they simple ARE bizarre.

“Professor Pyg”? “The Dollmaker”? Mr Szasz? Deathstroke? Bane? Doomsday? Sorry, modern writers; you are obviously trying too hard to create characters whose very purpose is to be bizarre or bad-ass. As in the Batman/Superman example above, I make the distinction between the purpose of the character and the purpose of the “person”. Because, sure, when a writer creates a villain, he wants him to be a credible threat and be unique in some way. Nothing wrong with that, I’m not saying there is. But when being bizarre seems to be the only purpose of the “person” the character is… well, that’s just some writer trying too hard to cool. And failing.

Ask yourself which of those the Joker currently is the next time a writer uses him…

Sword of the Atom map!

2011-10-31T06:49:00.000-05:00

How to celebrate Halloween at the Absorbascon, I wondered? Then it occurred to me to do something inspired by DC Comic's most terrifying character: Jean Loring.

I was going to make a Heroclix map of Ray Palmer's driveway, with a parked car within which one of my Jean Loring custom figures could suck face with her lawyer/lover Paul. Or a map of Queen Jean's throne room. Or of the brain-sucking lab in the ancient undersea kingdom of Lemuria, from which Jean almost destroyed earth. Or just a giant map of nothing but the inside of Sue Dibny's brain; finally, a reason for me to field the Elongated Man.

But the brain of Sue Dibny got put on hold when I thought of making of the miniature kingdom of Morlaidh featured in the "Sword of the Atom" miniseries, where the horror of Jean Loring made being trapped at minute size in the Amazon surrounded by hostile vermin and aliens seem like a vacation for Ray Palmer by comparison.

You can actually play either half of the map entirely by itself (the adobe settlement features lots of elevated terrain and the jungle lots of hindering terrain). Or you can play the whole map as a run-of-the mill walled village in a jungle. Or...

you can play it as designed, with the jungle being "normal sized" terrain and the village being "miniature terrain" or Morlaidh. If you'll look carefully the center of the jungle, you'll see that (thanks the power of vector graphics) the entire village is right there in the center at its "normal" size". Only when a figure is adjacent to that square can it absorb the white dwarf radiation that allows it to "shrink down" and be placed in the Morlaidh. You can allow any character with shrinking powers (e.g., the Atom, Shrinking Violet, Rita Farr, or the Martian Manhunter, who can have any power he wants) to transition between the two halves of the map at will. There are scores of ways to customize play with such a map, and I leave it to you to experiment.

This isn't by any means the first "miniature scale" map anyone has made, but I think this is the first one designed with a transition become normal-sized and miniature terrain, which is really what you need to have the most fun with shrinking characters.

Things That Made Me Happy...

2011-10-27T07:26:00.004-05:00

...in my comics this week.

Aquaman #2. "More food?" cutaway to "Mommy! Mommy!" LMAO! I know some of you aren't fans of Geoff John's willingness to embrace gore in comic books, but you have to admit: he's a great horror writer.

Flash #2. Barry took the time to pay for the apples. Of course he did.

All-Star Western #2. "Oderint dum metuant." Heh heh, not enough jussive subjunctive in comics books nowadays, I say!

Aquaman #2. "Maybe there's more food there." That was the sentence that made me realize that the language the Trench are speaking isn't just chicken scratches; it's an actual "Interlac-style" transliteration alphabet. The artist didn't have to take the trouble to do that, particularly since no one is likely to notice, but it's gets a big slow clap from me!

Flash #2. I love that Flash is dealing with crazy mad Silver Age science. And is kind of rough on treadmills.

Superman #2. Sure, the idea of a opponents that everyone except Superman can see is scientifically ridiculous. But then again... so is Superman. So I loved it; it was exactly the kind of thing you would have seen on the cover of a Bronze Age Superman comic.

Savage Hawkman #2. "With innocent lives in the balance, are Morphicius' newfound powers too powerful to stop?" Oh; apparently not.

Aquaman #2. If this were the Silver Age, "Aqua-Boy Goes Skiing!" would have been a perfect back-up story. Yeah, now I want a whole "The Adventures of Aquaman as a Boy!" series. "Aquaboy in Vegas!"; "Aquaboy at the Mall of America!"; "Aquaboy, Prince of the Salt Lake!". They practically write themselves!

Superman #2. Oh the comic book irony! "I've often saved the Planet by giving them headlines; but now their headlines are saving me!" Really, I'm highly amused that the "all-new Superman" reads just like it was written in 1974.

JLDark. On the one hand, I completely understand where Dawn is coming from and she's completely right. On the other hand, if my boyfriend could do that, I would make a different choice. In fact, I'd make a different choice every night.

Flash #2. That is a perfect--and perfectly simple--cliffhanger to leave Barry with. Bravo, Manapul et al.!

Aquaman #2. Okay, the Trench are spooky and all, but if they really stop to eat their own, well, they're not going to be a very effective fighting force, are they?

Flash #2. Wow, the kidnappers dumped Iris as fast as they could, didn't they? I mean, who can blame them? And apparently, "mean" is the perfect insulator when you're hurled from a moving vehicle, because her hair doesn't even looked mussed.

All-Star Western #2. Okay, that panel of Jonah saying, "Evenin', boys" is one of the gayest panels I've ever seen (and I've read Anthro). Or maybe it's just me.

Flash #2. Um... Barry? What about the driver of the car? Oh, well, I hope at least your apple tasted good.

All-Star Western #2. Hm; since the first "doctor in psychology" graduated from Johns Hopkins in 1886, it's fair to say that Dr. Arkham is very much on the cutting edge of his profession, isn't it?

ACTION!

2011-10-24T11:16:00.003-05:00

I have one of the new iPad touch-screen portable computer-like devices. It's what I'm reading my comics on now.

But I'm also using it for other applications, including watching videos/movies. High on my list of early purchase (right after the Filmation cartoons of Aquaman, Swift and Powerful Monarch of the Ocean) were the Fleischer Superman cartoons. If you've never seen them... well, do; they are still astonishing today, and even more astonishing when you remember when and how they were made.

Entirely aside from being masterpieces of the art of animation, the Fleischer cartoons had an enormous impact in cementing much of the Superman mythos in the public mind (including the idea that Superman could actually fly, not just leap tall buildings in single bound, a transition that he made over the course of Fleischer series itself).

Superman does many amazing thing in the Fleischer cartoon. He fights lions, and robots, and Japanazis, oh my. He lifts heavy objects, he does moves quickly, and he withstands violent attacks by man, machine, and nature. But there is one thing he does not do (or hardly ever does, that I can tell)...

TALK.

Granted, there's not a lot of talking in these cartoons at all. There's just enough palaver to set up the situations and for some lightly humorous/ironic epilogues with Clark and Lois. But once the fit hits the shan, Superman is all about ACTION. Superman has stuff to do, it's difficult stuff, and he has to do it fast. He has no time for chatter and no one really to chatter with any way. And it is bracing to see.

It makes for an interesting disjunct. Clark Kent is a man of words. He talks; he types. He's not cowardly, by any means, but while he's trying to talk his way around situations, Lois is stealing his press pass, jumping into robot's backs, and slipping onto top secret aeroplanes.

Superman, on the other hand, does not talk. It's nearly definitional: if the situation is dire enough for Superman to go in to action, there is no time or opportunity for talking and talking won't do any good any way.

It's an interesting and refreshingly simple approach. I'd like to see in tried in comic books. I'd like to read at least a year's worth of Superman/Action comics where Superman gives no monologues, be they inner (those are for supporting characters) or outer (those are for villians), engages in no dialog (if you want an interview, talk to Clark Kent), and just... DOES stuff.

I'd buy that for a year. Would you?

Things That Made Me Happy...

2011-10-20T06:51:00.011-05:00

in my comics this week.

JLA #2: "I can keep us on point." Oh, I know plenty of organizations other than the Justice League that could use someone with that superpower.

Batman #2: I am fairly sure that's the only POV shot from a cadaver's organs I've ever seen. NICE.

JLA #2: Wow, the Batman/GL/Flash fight against Superman reads like a straight up Heroclix game, doesn't it? Batman attempts to use Outwit against Superman, but misses the Attack roll. GL attacks Superman with a Running Shot, then pushes with Willpower to attempt to Incapacitate him, failing. Superman counter-attacks, with GL protecting himself with Energy Shield/Deflection and protecting Batman with Defend (or you could also perceive it as GL erecting a Barrier to protect them both). Flash shows up with a Hypersonic Speed attack and knocks Superman away from GL and Batman with either Force Blast or Quake. He then Outwits Superman's attack powers, ties him up with Close Combat so that Batman and GL are safe, and uses some combination of Combat Reflexes and Super-Senses to avoid Superman's attack. Flash is probably trying to force Superman to Push and wear himself out. The Indomitable Superman, however, despite Flash's defensive powers (or by Outwitting them) makes the attack roll with doubles, which knocks back Flash quite a few spaces. But then Batman starts talking, which pretty much wins the game automatically.

Batman #2: The Wayne Tower's thirteenth guardian.

JLA #2: Superman's local 'fortress of solitude'. That's genius, and very much in tune with his portrayal in his own books.

Batman #2: Okay, Batman is officially so good that I think I can drop the inaccurately named Detective Comics from my weekly pulls. Not one but essentially TWO "Batman Cold Opens". More clever applications of super-modern technology as begun in last month's issue, that very much "keeps it simple" for the sake of story-telling. Pitch-perfect interaction between Batman and Nightwing. Cart-loads of actual detecting, by both Bruce and Jim. Oh, and Batman running his motorcycle off the rooftop of an elevated train into a low-flying helicopter... while chatting with Alfred. If this book doesn't make you happy, then you probably just don't like Batman.

JLA #2: Black and blue? I have never heard that one before. Perfect. Hilarious. Instant classic. I'll be using that phrase now, much more often than the old fashioned "WF"...

Wonder Woman #2: Strife (and the Gods generally) defeating mortals indirectly through their application of their own natures. Strife doesn't hit her foes in the face; she has her foes do that to one another.

JLA #2: "The Guardians tell me everything." Ladies and gentlemen, let's put our hands together for Hal Jordan, one of DC's greatest natural comedians.

Batman #2: The great work on building Gotham's history continues, incorporating elements from the recent Batman film franchise, from Anton Furst's Gotham, from the current All-Star Western storyline, and tip-of-the-hat homages toward Owlman.

JLA #2. Barry doesn't even bother to pretend he could keep his secret identity from Superman and Batman.

Wonder Woman #2: Hippolyta. You just know she plays rugby.

JLA #2: In a very logical turn of events and one consistent with the character of Central City, the Flash is preventing Barry from fighting crime. OH, the comic book irony!

Batman #2: Why Lincoln March -- and Bruce Wayne -- love Gotham City so much. Now that makes sense.

Wonder Woman #2: Well, there's the traditional mythical origin of Wonder Woman, with its weirdness duly noted. But is it a clever lie, with Diana's real origin being that one that's been leaked on the internet? If so, it would explain why some god doesn't just zap her back into the Pygmalion dust she came from. Because, gosh, she's mighty lippy toward the gods, isn't she?

JLA #2: "I never break the law." Suddenly, I looked at those four characters, and their different personalities and perspectives all snapped into place. Barry the cop; Hal the marshal; Bruce the detective; Superman the vigilante. Nice done, Geoff.

Batman #2: Gotham City has its own nursery rhymes (and apparently in free verse). Well, of course it does!

Wonder Woman #2: "Cockless coop" is not a phrase I ever expected to read in my comics. Or is it 'co-op'? Because that would be even funnier.

JLA #2: The personality pairings. You may not like Geoff Johns' plotting (or as some wags would have it ,"plodding"), but his talent for characterization shines here. He knows that the key to writing the JL as an Ensemble Cast won't be simply defining each character, but defining each character pairing. Batman and GL are the odd couple crime-fighting duo. Flash and GL, the best friends in a road comedy. Batman and Flash are instantly the Detective and the Forensics Expert. Superman and GL are the Action-oriented Powerhouses. And, after only a brief conversation, Batman and Superman become the Vigilantes as well as the Adults and the Big Picture Guys.

Green Arrow Rant

2011-10-17T13:57:00.005-05:00

I am about to rant. I am probably going to get flamed for it.

Perhaps those flames will counter my wave of indignation and we'll all wind up letting off a little steam.

But I cannot sit silently after reading this article, which reveals that filmmaker and journalist Ann Nocenti will be taking over writing duties on Green Arrow.

Now, Ms Nocenti's got more than enough pedigree (certainly enough to write Green Arrow, snort!); she wrote a passel of comics for Marvel in the '80s. In addition to some strong 'socially relevant' stories for Daredevil, she wrote a miniseries starring, Dazzler, which immediately gives her credit for gumption in my book.

Plus, I am delighted to see that she recognizes at least two of the Seven Deadly Enemies of Comic Books (Self-Referentialism and Decompression).

"Over the years I'd run into a comic here and there, and I would try and read it. It was like multiple characters, lots of characters squashed onto a page. A story you couldn't really get into. You had no idea of what was going on, and I thought, ‘They kinda lost their way, they're not telling single stories anymore.' "

This is very encouraging; if Nocenti can bring the 'done-in-one' to Green Arrow (and perhaps bring the practice back into fashion), she will have my admiration and thanks.

But I'm much less encouraged that she apparently knows zero about Green Arrow.

"Green Arrow," aka Oliver Green, is a rich billionaire based in Star City, which is apparently based on Seattle. "He's modeled after Robin Hood, so I guess his origin story is ‘steal from the rich and give to the poor,' " she says.

Nocenti didn't know anything about the character until she read Wikipedia. "The thing that struck me the most was the phrase that kept coming up over and over — ‘thrill-seeking activist.' Which I can get behind because I'm kinda a thrill-seeking activist."

I get it, DC; you're doing whatever you can to try to find more female writers. Ordinarily I might not favor that kind of 'reverse-sexism', but given the atrocious portrayals of Starfire and Catwoman since the reboot, it's pretty clear that something needs to be done to ameliorate the Slavering Fanboy Writer Syndrome that's smothering comic books.

But really... even I think Ollie deserves a writer -- male or female -- who doesn't have to look him up on Wikipedia to find out who he is. Is this one of the "1001 Ways to Defeat Green Arrow"? Give him a writer who admittedly knows nothing about him? Have we forgotten Jodi Picoult already?

Green Arrow has a Golden Age pedigree, with a longer and more consistent publishing history than anyone other than the other original JLAers. And you pick someone to write him who managed to be a comic book writer for, oh, 15 years, without ever having heard of Green Arrow?

I can't believe I'm saying this, but: GREEN ARROW DESERVES BETTER. DC, don't give you characters short-shrift in the rush to diversify your writing staff.

We love you, Seattle!

2011-10-11T10:37:00.003-05:00

OMG, at first I was SO EXCITED when I read this...!!!!

But then I realized it wasn't Green Arrow. :- (