Friday, October 15, 2010

Jean Loring: Still Crazy After All These Years


"Um, yes, Jean, "Ray answered. "It was ... 'that man' who locked you, er, I mean, us in. I'll have the police take care him, don't worry.

"Now, just to be safe, I"m going to lock you in AGAIN, until a different man, a very nice one, in a nice white coat, comes to pick you up and take you somewhere safer... a nice, beautiful home in the countryside where you can wander, heavily sedated and supervised, through the gardens all day..."

Monday, October 11, 2010

Pep 35: Dear Libby's advice on Victory Gardens

Dear Libby,
I want to plant a Victory Garden in my backyard to help the war effort. But it's a too large for me to till regularly all by myself. I am SO worried I won't be able to handle it. What should I do?
VERY WARY QUITE CONTRARY, Roanoke VA

Dear Contrary:

Use a tank! They're great for churning up the soil and you can get them surprisingly cheap at the Army Surplus Store.

Be careful, though; sometimes the used ones still have previous operators lurking inside! Before use your second-hand tank, have your friendly neighborhood Hangman clean it out thoroughly.

Dear Libby,
Following your advice, I've been using a tank to till the soil in my garden. But how do I keep caked dirt and mud from clogging up the treads?
TREAD ON ME, Bangor ME

Dear Tread,

Simple! The answer is a point-tata-ed blonde.

Strap one of these Vicki Vale wannabes onto your tank treads, and watch as those wire-rimmed push-ups, pointy shoes, and teeth-filled shriek-holes simply tear up the turf. Remember, you'll need to change them after every few uses; nobody wants to plow with a dirty hoe.

Besides, hoe-girls are cheap. Certainly cheaper than tanks. Arm yourself with some of these bullet-bra babes and tank-gardening will be a truly harrowing experience.

Dear Libby,

Help! My backyard plantings were doing so well. But now it's infested with Japanazis! What's a victory gardener to do?
NIPPED IN THE BUDS

Dear Buds,
Uh-oh; those veggie-loving dirt-diggers can do some serious damage to a Victory Garden with those offensively exaggerated chompers, can't they? Recently, my friend The Shield had this problem. His own Patriot Patch was beset by Nipponese airmen. His solution...?
Fight flier with flier! Wrap yourself in an American flag, which they can't help but zero in on. Grab the first one that comes close and use it to beat the others senseless as they're drawn toward you like moths to a flame.